Financial Responsibility Archives

From the U.S.: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. We just officially moved in together a few weeks ago and are on the way towards an engagement. Let me first start by saying that I do love him, very much. He is my best friend.

Despite all of that; however, I still am having doubts. I have gone through minute periods of time in the past where I’ve become overwhelmed and stressed about the future of our relationship but have always come back to him and the fact that I do love him and I want to be with him. We’ve never broken up, but we have taken a week apart from each other with no contact. He is currently looking for a “big boy” job (he graduated college in December) and is working at a restaurant for the time being.

We just had to pay “our” rent for the first time and he was responsible for a larger share because I paid a larger share upon move-in. The problem was that he didn’t have that money, so I had to pay for it. Then the next day, he accidentally cut himself and had to get stitches. We are on separate insurances, obviously, but I had to pay his copay because he didn’t have the money. My biggest concern is that he is going to become complacent where he is and this will always be an issue.

I do not mind things being 50/50, but I cannot and will not cover his side on money all the time. In college, I lent him money multiple times and have paid for more dinners and dates than he has throughout our relationship.

My parents have been married for over 25 years and I have seen them at their best and at their worst. They were both married before they met each other and that has caused me to be terrified of divorce. I am worried that we will not make it and that I am looking past major issues because I am scared of life without him and starting over. Recently, I have found myself thinking “what if” and thinking about other men and other possibilities. Please help me! I do genuinely love this man and I do want things to work. I don’t want to have doubts or question things, I want to know I am making the right decision.

I think you need to listen to your wise self. You have doubts because there is reason to have them. Throughout the history of your relationship, he has “borrowed” money or not paid his share. Why do you think it will be different now? That is not to say that all marriages need to be alike in terms of the division of financial responsibilities. But for a marriage to last, there has to be a clear agreement and reliable follow through by the people involved — and there has to be an understanding of how you will handle things when circumstances change. (Will he step up, for example, if you need to cut back your contribution in order to get more schooling or to take a different job? How will you divide responsibilities if you have a child?) You and your boyfriend don’t seem to be on the same page.

I worry that by not paying attention to your doubts you are setting yourself up for the divorce you fear. However much you love this man, you can’t count on him to do his financial part. That is going to get old real quick. You and your boyfriend need to come to an agreement he can stick to and you can live with.

That may mean taking a step back from living together. You both need to know that you are serious. If you can’t negotiate a real agreement on your own, it would be advisable to go to see a couples counselor for a few sessions to work it through. Please do this work before you get engaged. If you don’t it will likely become an issue that will erode your relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend has a child from a previous marriage. Well ive been feeling like “my clock is ticking” i know im only 22 but i cant stop thinking about having a baby. I dont know how to talk about it with my boyfriend and when i try he doesnt understand where im coming from and he says “i already have one” and it hurts my feelings cause its like hes saying “well i have one and u dont and too bad for u” and he says he wants more kids but when hes ready and then sometimes he say if i got pregnant it wouldnt be a problem and he wouldnt care cause he wants to have a baby with me and it will be just sooner rather than later. It confuses me. So how do i bring up the subject and see if he would rather have one now than later since he says it wouldnt be a problem anyways?

You don’t bring it up. Neither one of you is ready to have a baby. Your focus should be on each other and making your relationship as deep and solid as you can. Babies need to have parents who are fully committed to making a life together. Nowhere in your letter do you mention such a commitment or marriage.

At 22, your biological clock for bearing children is certainly not ticking. I have a guess that the talk about babies is more about wanting to pull your boyfriend closer to you. He does have a big commitment elsewhere. His other child will always be his first one. He will always have responsibilities toward that child. You can’t compete with that and you shouldn’t.

At some point, you will also be one of the adults in that child’s life. She or he will be spending time with the two of you and there will be times when you will effectively be a co-parent. It’s important for you to embrace that as an opportunity to love and make a difference in another young person’s life. Your relationship with the child and with your boyfriend, and your success as a parent to your own biological child will be affected by how you manage it.

When your boyfriend says he already has one, it is probably his way of telling you that he isn’t ready to add emotional and financial responsibility for another child to his life at this point. You should be in full support of his involvement and financial support of the child he already has. How he manages those obligations will be reflected in how he handles parenting a child you eventually have together.

Unlike your boyfriend, I don’t have trouble telling you that a pregnancy at this point is a very big problem. It’s unfair to your boyfriend, to your future child, and to yourself. You have more growing to do before you can be the kind of mother every child deserves.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Financial Responsibility

He Doesn’t Pay His Share

Boyfriend and I Disagree on More Kids