Flash Backs Archives

I’ve been going through a lot lately. My mom won’t talk to me because I celebrated Christmas for the first time. Also about 3 weeks ago I had a close friend over for a few drinks and I didn’t want her driving home so I asked her to spend the night. Then in the middle of the night, I went to the living room to see if my boyfriend wanted to come back to bed since he couldn’t sleep earlier. When I got there I saw my friend kneeling beside my boyfriend with her arms around him and her head on his chest. His arms were also around her and he was sleeping. So I asked what is going on and when my boyfriend saw me standing there he thought this doesn’t look good at all. I ran to our bedroom crying and slammed the door. About a few minutes later he came in the room and said nothing happened. I went to work the next morning and my so-called friend was texting me apologizing and I said if it happens again there will be severe consequences. I hated her so much for such a long time and now I don’t trust her at all.

It made me have flash backs when I was a teenager seeing my mom seek the comfort of another man and that lead her to have an affair with that man. My bf at first was comforting and understanding but then after he stopped being that way and took my so-called friends side. He denies it but I kept accusing him. It got so bad my depression that he almost asked me to leave because I told him you might of well have slept with her. Recently we went away for the weekend and he brought up the issue. It really upset me because I didnt want to think about it. He told me that he misses how it was before between my so-called friend and I. I told him that it won’t ever go back to the way it was because of what you and her did to me. The damage is done and can’t be repaired. He also said he was going to continue to be her friend and I said ya but she can’t come over anymore. My bf also comments on how great other women look and it makes me feel like I’m ugly. Like today I showed him a bikini and he asked me if it comes with the body. That made me feel like crap. I don’t like him touching me anymore. I’ve also have thoughts everyday about sitting on the kitchen floor with a chefs knife and slowly cutting away at my wrists. Then having him finding me on the bloody floor. I need help about what to do. I’ve tried talking to my bf about how I’m feeling but he just gets mad at me. Please HELP.

This is a complex situation. Your boyfriend seems to have an affinity for your friend and you can’t let go of their betrayal of you. You said in your letter that “the damage is done and it can’t be repaired.” This problem may be repairable but it will require a serious commitment to healing the relationship on the part of both you and your boyfriend. It may also necessitate couples counseling.

You are having thoughts of suicide but seemingly not because you want to end your life. Rather, the purpose would be to punish those who hurt you. Thus the motivation is punishment of the other, not to harm yourself. In essence, you want others to experience the pain and suffering you have endured. Your hurt feelings are understandable but your approach to dealing with them is not healthy. There are other ways to communicate your hurt feelings that do not involve harming yourself.

You say that your boyfriend makes you feel a particular way. Please keep in mind that no one can make you feel anything. Feelings emanate from within you. Your boyfriend may say hurtful and inappropriate things but the feelings generated as a result are yours. The fact that you feel inadequate because of his comments may indicate low self-esteem. Individual counseling could help develop healthy self-esteem.

Your boyfriend betrayed you. Now he cannot understand why you’re having difficulty coming to terms with what he has done. You essentially caught him cheating and he wants to remain in contact with the friend he cheated with. He cannot expect you to simply “get over it.” He has hurt you and if he wants the relationship to continue, then he needs to demonstrate, with actions, not words, that he is worthy of your forgiveness. Thus far there’s little to no evidence of him fully appreciating the pain that he has caused you. If this does not change, the relationship may not be salvageable.

As I mentioned above, you may want to consult a couples therapist. It would be the most efficient way to handle this problem. If your boyfriend is unwilling to attend couples counseling, then you should consider going alone, to an individual therapist. The individual therapist could provide you with the advice and guidance necessary to navigate this complex relationship.

If you feel suicidal, then go to an emergency room or call 911 immediately. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Flash Backs

Recent and Past Problems with Friends, Boyfriend

BF has anger issues