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Grad School

Should I stay with my boyfriend?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 27th, 2024

I’ve been a single mom since i was 16 years old. i grad high school but me and my first born son’s father split up after about 4 yrs together. i had no support from the father so me and my son moved with my familysupporting my son with 2-3 jobs w/ help of my parents during and after high school where i found my ex-husband 6 months of relocating. we married because we found i was pregnant, i moved in and he changed becoming abusive physically, emotionally, finacially during my pregancy w/ my baby girl until what ended our marriage 4 months later was the death of my son who died at the age of 4 in 2006. eventually i learned my ex-husband beat my son which resulted in his death and at first i couldn’t believe it. soon after i learned there were 2 other times he punched my son and threatened that if my son ever told anyone about the abuse he would kill mommy. my ex is in prison serving a 10 yr sentence for 2nd deg murder and we had not gone to trial so i still have no closure as to what exactly happened except from what evidence says.

as for our daughter i gave birth 2 months after my son’s death went through court ordered therapy, dom viloence classes, cps visits, the works as well as depression and my ex making life hell by threatening me and denying my daughter just for a picture. this tore my world in so many ways im lost. only reason for living is my children even keeping a job and friends has been difficult and avoiding things that remind me of tragedy like mine, a person shouldn’t live like that.

im currently in a relationship, we dated for a year before making the it official. we been together for 2.5 years. he had been to every court hearing and known the situation and was understanding. i gave him a chance because i thought he was consistant, that he must be sencere in wanting to be with me and “claim” my daughter as his own but with in this year living w/ him, i’ve noticed he has become comfortable,friends first, making time for them not me resulting in jealousy towards his friends, neglecting me and my daughter at times except when he wants to have sex w/ me or my daughter’s bdays and appt. but partying and alcohol is more important.

if there’s a celebration or party where it involves drinks, he’s there leaves 10 pm and back by 6am resulting him in sleep all day or until he has to go work. he does this 1-3x a wk. im pregnant with his child now, 4 mon preg. after knowing for 3 mon he still has not told his fam im preg and keeps making excuses of when or why he hasn’t told them. im starting to think he is ashamed of me.

my car got repossessed so i have no car and i moved back in with my parents, i borrow my parents car if possible or catch the bus. he works as a bartender sometimes he works double shifts but i dont understand why he makes time for drinking and going out and not me or important things. he’s come to every appt so far that’s it. he expects me to get $ from my parents but if ask he gives $ sometimes and for them to get me a car. we have not even prepared for the baby at all because he says he has no $ to buy nessecity but he can get a new navigation system/ dvd/ ipod player, windows tinted, new 26″ rims, full back tattoo, shopping spree at nike town…need i say more?

within these past 4 months. he is a good guy just not responsible or ready. he pays $1200-1400 for 2 bedrm condo wont relocate to a bigger place for cheap because he likes the condo better and whats worse i let a friend of mine move in, they aren’t fooling around but he won’t put her out because he said she helps pay bills and wants to cram 4 of us in the master which is not big enough. i know i may nag but he doesn’t listen to me and ignores me. if he doesn’t want to talk about it he wont. i’ve cried out to him and he has not reacted.

he had asked me if right after i give birth from my c-section if i can go to work with a toddler and an infant at home yet he claims we cant afford daycare…he doesn’t buy food so my welfare $ buys food n diapers.i am on food stamps and cash assistance through the state while my boyfriend spends money on materialistic things for his plessure while he tells me he has no $. i try to take into consideration that he has no kids and he works a lot but it would be nice to be appreciated and recognized and that he would do things w/out me having to state the obvious. he says he loves me and want us to marry someday and hv more kids but now im not too sure. his father gave me useful advice about him, if he dont wanna do something he wont do it and there is no budging him. worst of all he’s going on a snowboarding trip a month before i deliver. what should i do? am i being unreasonable? am i going crazy? how can i get my life going?

-desperate and hopeless.

What a sad and difficult life you’ve been living. I hope you reread this letter and think about your own question: “Need I say more?” From my point of view, you don’t need to say another word. You have terrible taste in men. You keep trying to make a loving family with men who don’t have it in them to be responsible and loving toward you or your children.

Your current boyfriend is no exception. He helped you make a baby but he’s in no way interested in stepping up and becoming a responsible father. He takes and takes and takes from you and even wants you to go right to work after having your baby so you can give him some more.

My best suggestion to you is that you stop providing him with the money to buy his toys and focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Get into therapy to learn how to choose winners instead of losers for a partner. Go to school and get a trade. You need to have the skills to get a good job to support your kids. Meanwhile, I’m glad you have the kind of folks who will take you in. I hope it’s a positive environment so you can stay there awhile until you get on your feet. Therapy and some support from friends and family will help you get the confidence and skills you need to feel okay about going it alone until you find the right guy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 27, 2024 0 comment

Depressed and Refusing Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 30th, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I am a 4th year psychology student getting my bachelor’s in the spring. I am hoping to go to grad school and become a clinical psychologist, but I would like some help with my current situation.

My fiancé and I have been living together for the past 2 years now and everything has been going well for the most part. About a year and a half ago she began seeing a psychologist for depression and bouts of rage.

In high school, she had been put on Prozac by a psychiatrist but found that it made her much more apathetic than feeling better, by the way. Now she swears that no medication will ever make her feel better and refuses any doctor who tells her that what she needs is an anti-depressant.

The problem is, lately things have been getting much worse for her. This spring, she dropped out of college, after struggling for 3 years (great grades but “can’t find anything that [she] likes at all” in her art school). Since then, she has been working as a bartender at a restaurant that treats her horribly, but she seems to have developed learned hopelessness and refuses to leave thinking that there are no other opportunities (they work her over 40 hours a week, void her checks because she “makes enough in tips to cover minimum wage”, make her work off the clock or threaten to fire her, keep her on longer than her scheduled times, etc.). In addition, she no longer feels comfortable in our home that we have been refinishing and tells me that “we need to move somewhere else where [she] is more comfortable,” but her expectations are unrealistic for our price capabilities. Also, the last month or so, our sex life has become nearly nonexistent. She claims that she really wants to be physical, but when it comes to it, she feels that “[her] body just shudders and says that it needs to stop.” I can hardly touch her now. She assures me that she loves me still and wants to be with me, but things are becoming incredibly strained because of all of this.

In addition, she has told me that she is never happy anymore, as well as stating that she wishes she weren’t here several times (to which I discussed with her that if she was suicidal that I would have to seek help, and she assures me that she could never commit suicide). She is hopeless most of the time, tired most days, feels that she cannot make any friends or keep any real friendships. She has great difficulty going out in public and avoids almost all social settings unless it is with her only 2 friends, or completely private (e.g. a movie with me). Even at times like this, she will find something that upsets her and sulk and demand to leave.

I am incredibly worried about her and feel that I have no options to help her. I have suggested finding a psychologist who will work with her on cognitive behavioral therapy, but she refuses. Also, she has told me that she will not take any sort of medication for depression, so I have no idea what other options there are left.

Is there anything that I can do at all, or is this completely up to her? I have told her that I am willing to go to counseling with her, whether it be couples, group, individual, or anything else, but she has never followed through on any of it.

Please help me to show my fiance that she can be happy!

You’ve modified your lifestyle to accommodate her evolving needs. You’re supportive and loving. You’re even willing to attend treatment with her. You are clearly doing everything you can to help your fiancé. You’re doing what every loving partner should do when presented with such a situation but at this point she’s unwilling to accept help.

You’re in a predicament. She didn’t cause herself to be depressed but it is up to her to decide that she wants help. You can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do.

You’re not left with many options but there is something else you can try. Give her an ultimatum: agree to participate in therapy for at least six months or you are not getting married. That may seem like a harsh tactic but your options are limited. It may be necessary to save the relationship and her well-being.

If her ultimate decision is that she’s unwilling to seek help, you then have to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship. It would be difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable and who is unwilling to attempt to help themselves. It won’t be easy for you to stay and you may begin to resent her. Her unwillingness to seek help undoubtedly affects the relationship and your happiness.

If you’re ensure about how to proceed, then consider consulting a therapist. I am suggesting that you see a therapist when it’s your fiancée who is depressed because it’s a delicate situation and a difficult dilemma, especially if your fiancée continues to refuse help. You’d feel much better if you had objective, sound clinical advice about how to navigate this most important relationship. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

November 30, 2023 0 comment

Depressed and Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 15th, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am depressed, lonely and feel unable to reach out for friends. I have a history of depression from my teenage years that was treated with medication. I am 23 and have quickly sunk into a depression. My mother has been dealing for a few months with cancer and she has always been my rock, but now she has no attention to give to me and naturally everybody else in my family is focusing on her as well.

I had lost my job and dropped out of this semester of grad school because i felt too overwhelmed to handle class and work and my mother… I also have been living 60 miles away from my friends and have no friends where i live.

So I am lonely as can be, far from the few people that might offer me love. I have not told my parents that I lost my job or that I am so sad, all because i feel guilty taking attention way form my mother or making her feel bad. Last week I was so sad that I just started crying on the sidewalk as my roommate was talking to me.

I have had nobody to share my pain with and it’s so hard to reach out. I have been staying in bed till noon and watching TV all day, just trying to hide from the world.
I am so depressed. I need help. What do I do?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with a difficult situation. Having a close relative with cancer has to be difficult, especially when that person served as your main support. I know that you don’t want to ask for help and support but that is exactly what you need at this time.

You assume that you’d be a burden on your family but I doubt that would be the case. It’s not uncommon for people with depression to feel like they are a bother to other people. If you reached out to your family and told them about your depression there is a good chance they’d respond in a supportive way. You may even find that they are also having a tough time trying to cope with your mother’s diagnosis. You could lean on each other.

Even though there is a good chance your family would be supportive of you if they knew about your depression I think it would be helpful if you sought additional supports outside the family. The additional support could either be a support group or an individual counselor. Both might be necessary. The reason I am suggesting that you find support outside of your immediate family and friends is that it may be difficult for them to give you the full attention that you may need at this time. Also you described having fairly serious symptoms of depression. Your friends and family may be able to offer you some support and that is good. But given the extent of your depression (i.e. you’ve already quit school, are struggling with work and spend half the day in bed) there support alone may not be enough. Your depression symptoms may require professional treatment.

There are many great support groups for individuals who have family members with cancer. Some of the support groups are web-based. There are also many in-person support groups that allow you to interact with others who have relatives with cancer. Both may be helpful to you. A list of possible online and group supports can be found here.

It makes sense that you would be having difficulty at this point in time. Your mother was diagnosed with cancer. You lost your main support system and in turn, you’re finding it difficult to function day to day. I know it is a challenge but try to reach out for help from support groups and/or a mental health professional. You need to do this not only for yourself but for your mother who most likely needs you to be her “rock” while she is battling cancer. Be there for yourself and be there for your mother. You can’t appropriately assist your mother until you help yourself. Don’t give up and please consider outside help for this very difficult life circumstance. You need and deserve the help.

July 15, 2023 0 comment

How Do I Stop Fighting with My Parents?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 7th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Up until recently, I’ve had a great relationship with my parents. I’m currently in my last year of university, and I’m trying to figure out what the next step in my life will be. I have applied to graduate school and have been accepted at one school and wait-listed at a second. I realized during the application process that the school that has accepted me is not a good fit for my personality or my academic and career goals. I’m not certain that a PhD program is what I want anymore, anyway–especially at a university that I’m not too keen on in the first place.

A lot has changed in my life lately, and I’ve recently returned from studying abroad and realized that there many more opportunities and avenues to pursue than I’d originally imagined. I’ve tried discussing these concerns with my parents, but whenever I do they either tell me to just go to grad school as planned, or they get scared that I’m throwing away an opportunity and will end up doing something that will screw up my life forever, which inevitably ends up in a long argument that leaves everyone angry.

I told my mother the other day that all I want is for them to trust that I will make informed decisions, follow my heart, and learn from any mistakes that I make. I understand that they want nothing less than the best for me, but over the years I’ve come to see that there are things about me that they will never understand because they’ve never experienced what I have. I’ve studied in a foreign country and have been abroad several times since I was a teenager; they’ve never left the United States. I’m trilingual, but they only speak English. I’m majoring in the sciences, but they’ve never set foot in a lab.

I’ve never disagreed with my parents over something this major before–even when I was in junior high and high school, we got along very well. Am I being immature or short-sighted for not wanting to go to a graduate school that I feel is not right for me? (For the record, I’m going to follow up my applications at the other universities I’ve applied to and seeing what happens there. Also, we’ve agreed from day 1 that they will not be paying for my graduate education–I will). I feel terrible knowing that I’ve scared and upset my parents, but I also know that I’m an adult and I need to what I feel is right for me and to accept the consequences of my choices. I want to have a good relationship with my parents, so what can I do to fix this?

Congratulations on your considerable achievements. From what you say, you are making some very mature and reasonable decisions about the direction you want to take. You’re probably right that your parents are frightened for you. The economy stinks. You have what seems to be a sure thing in the acceptance. They saw smooth sailing ahead for you and now you’re making waves.

But here’s the thing: At some point, every young adult has to separate in order to become a full adult. Sadly, that separation often seems to have to be done in anger. It doesn’t. You are not separating from loving your parents. You have no desire to drive a wedge that will be permanent. What you do want to do is to claim your own path. Since you are paying for your own graduate education, you do have the right and the responsibility to choose for yourself.

You can’t fix the conflict. But you can fix the anger. Stop arguing. Arguing gives the impression that you can be talked or argued out of a decision. Instead, emphasize that you love them very much and wish they’d give you their blessing. But be clear that your decision about what you study and the career you choose is yours to make. If your folks invite you to fight about it, simply restate that you love them and that you know they want the best for you but that you are clear about what you are going to do. Then change the subject to something you all enjoy. Be sure to express your appreciation to them for raising you to be the kind of person who has had the courage to travel abroad, the dedication to do so well academically, and the appreciation for the importance of family. They’ve raised you well but now it’s time for you to take on responsibility for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 7, 2022 0 comment