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I have lost interest in many things

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 14th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 15 and in the past year since 9th grade I’ve changed. Last year, my grades were fine and I was happy. This year though, I’ve noticed that I have lost interest in many things (ex. I used to play guitar alot and one day I just stopped being interested in music spontaniously, and this happenes frequently now) also I have been having problems with anger. I try to not show it but lately I have been getting so angry and some things that I need to break something or like punch a wall. Also When I get mad I start to get pains in my chest sometimes from getting so mad. Normally, if my parents are getting angry at me I will start to get a headache and I don’t seem to think as well. I wouldn’t say I have a low self esteem but I don’t like to socialize a ton and I haven’t had a girlfriend yet, I have also noticed my grades are going down this year which has caused me to get angry and start to give up. Any advice? Thanks (Also if it helps I don’t smoke, do drugs or drink, I mostly keep to myself and like to be alone or with one person)

It’s hard to know from your letter if you are having symptoms of a psychological problem or if you are going through the usual, though painful, growing pains of being 15. There’s no getting around the fact that adolescence is a challenging time of life for just about everyone.

I can tell you think hard about things so perhaps you can consider some ideas.

It’s not at all unusual for kids your age to try on different activities and interests and reject most of them. It’s like trying on jeans. You might take 20 pair into the dressing room and only buy the one that fits best. You don’t scold yourself for not buying the other 19. They just didn’t fit. The same thing applies to trying on sports, hobbies, and interests – even people. It’s also not unusual to feel uncomfortable socially or to not have a girlfriend yet. It’s a little appreciated fact that over half of young people don’t have a special boy- or girlfriend while in high school. These people need to get into a new environment with new people to meet the right person. And it’s also not that unusual for a young man your age to feel angry and irritable. Your hormones are changing. You’re aware of more things that you find troublesome. You don’t like being treated like a kid anymore.

My advice is that you be patient with yourself and take more charge of your life. If you want better grades, a young man as thoughtful as you are can decide to do the work to get them. If you want to socialize more, put yourself into situations where you get some practice (like an organized club or theatre group or sport). You are doing well controlling your anger but you aren’t figuring out what you can do so that you aren’t in situations where you might get so angry. Maybe, for example, you and your folks are at the point where you can discuss your differences differently.

On the other hand, if you start to have trouble with sleep or appetite and find that you are irritable more times than not, it’s possible that you are getting depressed. If you think that might be the case, ask your folks to make you an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation. Having a counselor to talk to can prevent a depression from getting worse and can help you learn skills to get back to your usual self.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Acquiring a counselor

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 24th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

The year 2009 was a very traumatic one for me and my family. I started school in September and I was working very well. Early October I started to get depressed, and I was not coping with the work. I was very open about it, which helped me. I remember being in the computer room at school with my friends talking about wanting to die and my having no direction educationally. I had a very bad headache that day and I was jittery and conveyed the view that I wasn’t serious and was just having a bad day. That is true yet not true. Me and my friends talked about it, for some reason we are very open and tend to be able to articulate problems in a very direct conversation. *I am not like this at present, but I am generally like this as a person* In the end I went to sleep at school, skipped a class to do so and felt much better after. Skipping classes can sometimes add to my problems. I tend to pick and choose… For example, I never attend gym class or participate. I may have come into school an hour late on occasions so I can miss the morning class. However, I always make sure to find out the work I’ve missed and study. In fact, I love to learn. In classwork and homework I get A’s and A+’s but exams are a straight fail… Especially recently, I couldn’t revise because I was with my family constantly, I was required to shop, clean, be hospitable to guests and I had family staying over. In all honesty my attempt to study for my exams scored me 10 minutes of swearing in a car by my mother as she drove me home. On my birthday.

I have been depressed for many years, and also failing exams for the same amount of time. I believe I am smart, and for some reason all my endeavours are vocational and I don’t do the normal teenage things. I enjoy studying and being in the library. Probably because I can’t deal with a lot of noise and I like silence. But it’s hard. Everyone seems to be on a different level to me, they are normal. I am not. I do blame it on the depression. I am a bit of an introvert and have poor verbal communiction skills. I would like to talk to people but I can’t, maybe because whenever my mother shouted at me she would never listen or would only hear what she wanted to hear. I told her I was depressed and she has acknowledged this verbally to me, but only once. This was when she got mad at me last. I don’t talk to her or anyone because I don’t have anything good to say or anything to say that somebody can’t think for themselves. I give great advice and have been told I should be “a motivational speaker” but that’s about it.

Reasons why I am depressed vary. Sometimes it’s because nobody *teachers, family* tries to help me, or if they do they try to cheer me up, which leaves me empty because you’re trying to make everything okay on the spot. It doesn’t work like that. In early October my grandmother was brutally murdered in another country. We didn’t know until early December, I didn’t see my father for 2+ months while he did the police’s work along with other family members. They found her and they did all the work, right up to December 24th. This situation hurts me… I’ve seen what was to be seen and that does not affect me, but the sheer destruction of the situation gets me. My family is a big one and eveybody has been strained emotionally, financially and everything… And even so, only one person has truley acknowledged that this is hard for me. What I find hard is the life of my grandmother being taken, my mother telling everybody *I mean that* like it’s good to be linked to tragedy ; that my family needs counselling to this day. I had to leave the country right after I was given some stupid swine flu pill from the government, technically speaking, and it nearly killed me. I ended up missing almost a month, maybe just 2 and a bit weeks, of school. When I came back I felt ‘out of the loop’. So I skipped my math class to do some other work, I didn’t want to go because I knew I wouldn’t learn anything. Also, I was upset that my homeroom teacher told the class that my grandmother ‘died’ *she did this when I was late, in other words behind my back*. When to me it was much more than that! Some teachers and pupils didn’t know, including my math teacher and people were asking me how my holiday was. Really??

The math teacher told me to go and see her, I did, she asked me why I missed my class etc etc then a lady came in who I’d never seen before. They started talking to me about school and where I’d been schooled before and my math teacher informed the lady about me cutting her class. In my defence I said I had work to do, I know it wasn’t called for but I hadn’t been in school for a while. My math teacher agreed that I hadn’t been at school and she said she would look into it. This was the first time I realised not everyone knew, I didn’t want people to know initially but it just goes to show that the people who needed to know didn’t and the people who didn’t did.

Apparently I had told my math teacher that I needed help with organising my papers so the lady then told me to go and see her in the next period. I did. My math teacher met the lady by the door of her office and passed her a note. My math teacher looked at me either sad or disappointed. So I could tell she had found out about my loss. During the organising session she asked me questions which I half answered and she asked me one particular one that got on my nerves, “so do you have family in another country that you go and visit often?” I immediately said “no” and she backed off. I asked where the bin was, and she answered me with curiosity and as I went to the bin she covered the note with her hand. So I knew the content of the note was based on my grandmother. I was upset. I hate my business being circulated as it is.

Also, the fact I don’t remember telling my teacher I need help with organisation brought to my attention that my memory is going. I often don’t remember what I’ve done, some experiences, what I’ve said, other peoples reactions, things I recently learnt. I need help. Teachers don’t help me which is fine because they are not counsellors, but I can’t take it. I don’t even think I can verbally tell someone, a counsellor what’s wrong. But I can’t move forward unless I get help. I’m depressed, I have mood swings, I no longer get angry which is worrying to me because it shows I have no emotion left, I talk to myself about a bad situation rather than the person I want to say it to, I constantly need isolation, I have no trust in anyone, I can’t talk, I cant say what’s wrong…

I just want someone to talk to, that will help me. I really dislike school but love to learn, I can’t deal with noises, I am anaemic which is getting on my nerves, I am always tired, once I slept for 20 hours. I just want to succeed in life. I know what I want but I get so low sometimes. I fear my family members death sometimes, and I invision it and how I would feel. So I constantly feel that I have to be nice. Which I don’t have a problem with but it’s just………………..

I don’t want to harm myself, I want to stay alive, I want to stay true to myself and succeed. But to find a counsellor I have no approach and I need confidentiality, I dont want anyone to even know I’m going… I hope you understand what I’ve written, I have a hard time explaining things.

What a hard, hard year you and your family had. You explained things just fine. It makes sense to me that you are feeling down and overwhelmed. The events of the past year would be overwhelming for everyone. I have to wonder if your parents may be having as tough a time as you are. They too suffered a shocking loss. They too are dealing with what it means to bridge two cultures. They too didn’t have each other’s support since your father had to be away to work with the police. It just could be that your mother isn’t able to help you because she is too stressed herself. It sounds like your teachers tried to help you but did it so awkwardly that their help wasn’t helpful. Whatever good reasons there may be that the adults around you couldn’t help, it has left you feeling alone and scared.

Your letter shows you to be intelligent and sensitive. I think you may be grieving your grandmother and the family that you used to have even more than you think you are. Grief makes people do many things that may seem unusual. In your case, you withdraw from other people and even from yourself. You feel you can’t trust anyone. You are disorganized and have trouble with memory. And you get scared that other members of your family will die. On top of all that, you also report that you are anemic and that you get headaches. It may be that medical issues are contributing to your depressed feelings. It makes sense to me that you are depressed and immobilized.

I’m very glad you found the library and books as retreats from a world that at times feels very painful. The library is your sanctuary where there are no demands and plenty of interesting things to distract you from a daily life that seems much too hard. It has given you a much-needed rest. As helpful as that may be, though, you also need to take more charge of your life if things are to improve.

I encourage you to follow your own good instincts. Find a counselor to help you, preferably one who understands cross-cultural issues. Yes, it’s hard to find just the right person but please believe me: It’s worth the effort. You should see your doctor for the medical problems anyway. While you are there, ask your doctor for some names of counselors. Take your letter with you to your first appointment. It is an articulate and thoughtful description of your problems. Sharing it will help you get started. Finally, please understand that counselors do respect confidentiality. What you and your counselor talk about is strictly between the two of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is DID Ruining My Life?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 15th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have suffered MH problems from aroound the age of 6 (now 24) at 14 I was put on anti-d’s and at 19 I was diagnosed with OCD and BPD. The thing im struggling with the most is my severe dissociation, for many years i thought i had just been falling asleep or blacking out, i started to notice the signs; a funny smell, headache and stiff neck but still couldnt control it happening, then people started saying things like “oh u were behaving very oddly the other day” and i wouldnt even recall that i had seen them, my mother once said “I dont know why in some situations you start acting like a man, smoking walking and talking like one” over the past two years ive communicated more with the voices in my head to which i had previously thought everyone had, i now know there names and communicate the most with a 15 year old called Billy, my ex partner said he used to come out alot and was quite aggressive in his manner she said he liked different things to me and stuff, ive in the past been arrested for assault and not remembered a thing about whats happened.. then there are child alters that come out less often but when one did my ex said “if u saw what u were like u would be very embarrassed”.

Ive just finished DBT and other than simply losing time i didnt tell her about the alters, although im pretty sure she has spoken to Billy and not realised it “u were very aggressive when u spoke to me”…again no recollection.. she once said she felt i was very fragmented and that my dissociation is more severe than it to just be a symptom of BPD.

I know its not seizures because when i was in psych hospital they sent me for an EEG and it was clear.. ive done the sdq20 privately online and scored within the DID bracket. I see a psychiatrist every three months (im in the uk) and i have a care-co-ordinator.. its getting worse of late and billy is expressing he wants to kill people especially my mum.. the last few times ive found smahed objects and theres been self harm, i have also come to in some odd places… in the harbour, on the motorway.

I dont know where to go from here or even if i def have DID, i feel too embarrassed to tell my psychiatrist, because when i mentioned it in hospital it was swept under the carpet. and i fear they wont believe me because it sounds so odd but i really dont want someone dying all because i didnt get help.. i/he has already come close to killing my cousin apparently i had the strength of an ox, a mad look in my eye and i knocked her out then repeatidly kicked her in the head. Im really scared please help.

I would suggest that you make a detailed list of your symptoms and bring them to your psychiatrist. Perhaps he misunderstood you and this could explain why he did not provide you with a satisfactory response. It might have been a simple miscommunication. A detailed list would give him the opportunity to fully analyze your symptoms and come to a conclusion about what your diagnosis might be.

If you do try to speak to your psychiatrist and still feel as though he is not addressing your symptoms, you can always seek a second opinion or even a third. Search for a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or who has experience treating individuals with this disorder.

Some clinicians never see a case of DID during their entire careers. This could explain why some mental health professionals are not fully convinced that DID exists, although it is a recognized disorder in the DSM-IV.

Though you might have DID, it’s also important to realize that you may not. It’s best not to assume that you have the disorder. At this time, I think it’s important that you are properly evaluated by a mental health professional. It is imperative that you do this sooner than later especially because of your fear that you may harm someone. It would also be helpful if you had a trusted friend or family member who could be with you and monitor your behavior. This person could objectively verify whether or not you are engaging in a particular type of behavior. He or she could also speak to your psychiatrist and corroborate your behavior and symptoms. This might help your doctor to understand more of what you’re going through.

I hope you’re able to find the help that you need. If you believe that you may be a danger to yourself or others, please do not hesitate to go to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. The emergency room can provide you with immediate help. Please take care. I wish you well.

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Extreme Anxiety

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 11th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For as long as I can remember I have had extreme anxiety issues. I have social anxiety, but the main source of my anxiety is my health. I can’t do anything, and I mean anything without worrying that I am going to die. For example, me and my family went to Disneyland the other day, I was having panic attacks and worrying that I would either just drop dead for no reason or since I had a little bit of a headache that day I was scared was going to have a brain aneurysm. Its always something everyday with my health, it’s exhuasting. All I want to do is sleep all day or just zone out in front of the TV so I dont have to think.

I also have other symptoms, but am not sure if they are part of the anxiety or not they are: feeling like I am in a dream or like a spaced out feeling, weird “what if” thoughts (ex: What if I killed myself or someone else?) and by no means do I want to do this or even have the urge, but since I thought it I get anxiety about it, thinking I am crazy for thinking such things or I am afraid I might sleep walk or something and do it out of my control.

I dont have a job right now and no health insurance, I am just trying to figure out whats going on with me. I am sick of feeling like this. I just want to feel “normal”.

I should mention that I have been on Effexor XR since my daughter was born in 2006, I had Postpartum Depression. I am still taking the Effexor XR, which doesn’t seem to help much anymore, and I am taking 1mg Ativan as needed. I hope you can give me some insight and direction from where to go from here.

Thank you

Thank you for writing. The first thing to do is to go back to the doctor who prescribed the Effexor. The period of time that a postpartum depression generally lasts is long over. If you haven’t been back for a discussion about your symptoms and how you are doing on the medication, you should immediately make an appointment. One of the potential side effects of Effexor is anxiety. What you are taking for depression may possibly be contributing to your anxiety. If your PCP or OB-GYN has been prescribing your medication, I do suggest you see a psychiatrist to get a specialist’s take on whether you still need the medication or if you are taking the right one.

Meanwhile — you really should consider finding some therapy for yourself. Some cognitive-behavioral therapy could help you get your anxiety under more control so that you can enjoy life. I know you have no health insurance. Before you give up on the idea of getting any help, I do suggest that you talk with your doctor or spiritual leader about any free or low-cost resources that may be available in your area. Many private therapists also offer a sliding fee scale or low-income slots.

Please be more concerned about finding treatment and less concerned about finding a label for yourself. As you said, the important thing is to get back to feeling “normal.” You deserve it. Your daughter deserves to have a mom who feels stable and able to cope.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Can’t Control Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 22nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a Secondary school student and aged 16. Since past year, my everyday life was just like a nightmare. I always felt dizzy and headache, after I took panadol, I didn’t feel better at all. As well, I don’t want to eat the food that I love to eat before. I have no mood to eat.

Every night, I couldn’t sleep well. I have been suffering from insomnia for a long time and I usually woke up in very early morning. I have tried to take more and more sleeping pills, but that’s completely useless for me. I feel absolutely unbearable and tired because I need to go to school on the other day.

In school time, it’s hardly for me to concentrate. When I need to do some thinking work, e.g. math, I couldn’t think as fast as my classmates, I’m worried that I’ll fail in my academic study. My mood will always goes up and down, I feel that I’ve lose control on my emotions. I am going crazy, and I can’t stop it.

Sometimes, I really wanna escape from all my friends, and I’d hide myself into a wardrobe. Hiding inside there, I don’t have to talk to anyone as I have no energy to talk. Most of the days, I feel sad for no reasons and non-stop crying, but still for no reasons. Therefore sometimes, I’ll try to hurt myself with cutter. This action can really help my to clam down, but I’d become more depress for my guiltiness.

In this half year, I feel that the situation has become more serious and urgent, as I started to have the suicide attempts. This thought always appear in my mind, and I really afraid that I can’t control myself. I want to disappear from this world.

Thus, can you give me some suggestions in order to solve my problems? How can I stop the suicide attempts? Please help me, I really want to know what happen? Thanks.

It is very concerning that you are contemplating suicide and have made attempts to harm yourself. In addition, you feel as though you cannot control yourself. You need to speak to someone about these issues immediately. This is a crisis-level situation. Go to your parents, a trusted relative, a member of the congregation, or anyone else who you believe can help. The problem has escalated and you should not be dealing with it alone.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to say when asking for help. What is most important is to be honest. It would be difficult to effectively help you if you had not completely told the truth. You can try saying something to your parents such as: “I believe that I may have depression. I cry a lot, I can’t sleep or concentrate, my grades are slipping, my mood is unstable, I have lost my appetite, and I have thoughts of hurting myself. I don’t feel good. I’m not sure how to handle my problems. Sometimes I hurt myself because I don’t know how else to feel better. I believe that I need professional help. Can you please help me?”

If you are uncomfortable speaking to your parents then please alert somebody at the school. It is important that you do not keep this problem a secret any longer. Also, if you feel that you cannot control your behavior and may harm yourself then go to the hospital immediately or call emergency services. The hospital can help you and keep you safe. They can also help you access mental health treatment.

People with depression oftentimes have tunnel vision. They do not see reality clearly. They mistakenly feel as though their situation will never change or improve. In the case of someone who is suicidal, this type of thinking reinforces the idea that one should end their life. It is important to realize that depression causes irrational and illogical thinking. The truth is that things can get better with the proper help. The proof of this is that worldwide many people suffer with depression but once they receive help, they are able to recover from their condition.

It is important that you surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible. This would include friends and family. I understand that this will be a difficult task because you’re not feeling very sociable but it is imperative that you do not isolate yourself. The more you isolate yourself the more likely it is that you will continue to view your situation as hopeless. Even if you feel the desire to isolate, force yourself to be in the presence of others. It can protect you from continued self-harm.

Please speak to someone immediately about the issues outlined in your letter. You may be suffering from depression. There is help available. Please take care and do not hesitate to write back if you have any additional questions. I wish you well.

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I feel like God is unhappy with me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 24th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am always feeling like I am making wrong decisions. I suffer frequent headaches and when I do, I feel like I have done something that has angered or upset God. I am taking prescription meds for the headache, depression, and anxiety, but it doesn’t always work. I believe that God heals, so why won’t He heal me? I feel like the reason He won’t heal me is because He is mad or upset with me for something I did or did not do. I am constantly in fear because I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I speak with my pastor and other Christians who all say God isn’t mad at me. But if He isn’t mad, why am I continuing to suffer? I want to do His will in my life but I don’t know what it is, and feel that may be the reason for my punishment. In the biblical sence, I am supposed to put others first before myself. But my doctors, therapists, and family all tell me that I need to come first before I can help others. How can I care for my own health as well as other people’s needs as a Christian should? I am actually having anxiety as I write this because I am afraid that God will be mad at me or upset with me if I send it,possibly because I am under the impression that Christians are supposed to be happy all of the time, and not sick or stressed. How can I be a good witness for God if I am anxious, and panicky all of the time? Please help! I need peace!

You dear person. You are trying so hard to be good that you are making yourself feel very bad. I’m not a pastor, but I do know this. You are treating god as though he is human – and not a very nice human at that. The god of Christianity is not a vengeful god who makes people miserable because he is mad at them. The father of Jesus is a god who forgives and loves and tries to help people also be forgiving and loving. I sincerely doubt that your physical suffering has anything to do with your spiritual relationship with god. Embrace the comfort that a relationship with a loving god can give you. Turn to your physicians and mental health professionals to help you in the physical world.

You say that your medications aren’t working. The best treatment for what you are describing is a combination of medication and talk therapy. Make sure that your therapist and your prescriber are in regular contact. Your therapist can give your prescriber information he or she needs to adjust your medications. Do spend at least part of your therapy time working on refining your coping skills so you have more tools for taming your anxiety. Please also stay in touch with your pastor and allow yourself the comfort of prayer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Headache, tiredness and worries

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 5th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i’m a fresh graduate, 25 and male, looking for a job in Hong Cong. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety. i took medicine, sertraline because my student counselor asked me to see the doctor in May. After a few days, i had a mild headache. Then after 2 months, i saw the doctor again to tell him the problems of headache. He thought i had no need to take the medicine and should focus on seeking a job. Then, after half a month, i still had a bad headache so i saw him the third time and i took the medicine again. Now, my headache happens every day, but it’s very terrible in some period of time.

Besides, i have felt extremely exhausted like i have done a ton of things or jobs in a day. i feel extremely extremely tired and didn’t want to do anything. in fact, it’s okay to do something like watching tvs or listening to music. in particular, i feel completely tired when waking up in the morning. it’s too hard for me to be like a normal person who feels good and can do cleaning at least once every day. I usually need to sit down and thought what’s wrong with me and how i can overcome this, but this makes me upset and sad.

by the way, i think at this moment i can’t do a job although i can find a job. it’s because of the tiredness. in addition, i have stomach problems and some illnesses too.

Thus, I am worrying too much that i quite often check my body or go to see a doctor. That wastes time and money. i think i feel sick, but it almost had no problems and i am just fine. in fact, i know this problem but i should make sure that’s ok when i feel just a little bit uncomfortable or sick.

in addition to health problems, i am quite anxious of my daily life, even trivial things, like what i need to do next hour or something. i always want to finish my jobs quickly and perfectly, so that i am not worried. However, this doesn’t work and even makes me worst. Actually, i feel a bit tired of this pattern of thinking because it makes me anxious and gives me some pressure. And i can tell you that it’s not normal.
thank you so much.

You’re right. It’s not normal for a young person to have so much anxiety and depression that he is unable to function. That doesn’t mean that it is that unusual. Many recent graduates have a difficult time for a while. They have been in the rhythm of school and focused on getting their degree for years. Once they get it, they aren’t quite sure how to move to the next stage of life. Some, like you, develop symptoms.

I”m very glad you’re under a doctor’s care. It is always important to make sure that your symptoms aren’t caused by a medical condition. You and your doctor seem to have ruled that out. That being the case, your symptoms do seem to suggest anxiety and depression.

Studies show that anxiety is underdiagnosed in Asians. It may be that your treaters underestimate how serious the problem has become. If you feel this is the case, it may be important for you to emphasize how much you are suffering.

Medication alone isn’t working for you so it might be helpful to add other elements to your treatment. In the States, I would suggest you seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been shown to be one of the most effective for dealing with anxiety and depression. If you would like to learn more about it, go to this link.

In addition, it’s particularly important that you pay attention to your physical health. That means eating right and getting some exercise every day – even if you don’t particularly feel like it. Some mindfulness strategies like meditation or self-hypnosis or yoga often help to lower the intensity of anxiety. Finally, you might find it helpful to join one of our online support groups. Members of the community can offer both emotional support and practical help.

I strongly suggest you find a mental health professional to help you develop a comprehensive treatment plan and to provide you with support. If you could pull yourself out of this on your own, you would have done so already. With a more intensive treatment strategy, I have every reason to believe that you will get through this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Grieving BF can’t love new baby

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 12th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a 26 year old female i have been with my fiancee for about 14 months we now have a baby boy who is a month old about 2months ago i found out that he had been seeing some one on the side whom he worked with. He told me that he was not happy anymore with me and he couldn’t tell me why just that he wasn’t happy. About 2 weeks ago we separated he didn’t want to see his son and had really nothing to say to me.

last week i took the baby to see him and we talked and decided that i was going to move back in and that he was done seeing the other woman and he said she would get over it he was even talking about changing shifts at the job to avoid anymore problem he told me that he loved me and our baby and that was what he wanted, things were going well we were acting as if nothing had happend and it was wonderful

2 nights ago he went crazy and i had to call a family member of his to come help me he had locked his self in our bathroom and was threatening to kill himself and he got very physically violent in ways i had never seen him act. I will add that he is 37 and he lost his first and only child before ours 12 years ago tomarrow in a car accident.

Last night he wakes up from a nap and tells me he is tired of living with a headache and that he can’t force his self to be happy and askes me to take my boys and leave, told me he wasn’t asking me to move out just to give him time and space to himself to think and decide what he wants.

I will add that this is a man that is a alcoholic in the first 3 days i was gone from the home i found 5 empty beer cases on my porch and i believe that he needs help for that along with mental help am i wrong for thinking that?

Do you think it would be wrong for a family member to have him commited for mental health help even tho he is going to get extremely upset with everyone. And do you think i am wasting my time waiting for him to decide what he wants or could it be he knows he mad the mistake and don’t how to deal with it and could it be that he still hasn’t found the right way of dealing with the anniversary of his sons death.

I love this man with everything in me and i want us to make things work but how do you do that when the other person won’t try and get help all they say is there not going to help me it would be a waste of time.

What a painful and difficult situation for both of you. It certainly sounds like having a child has triggered unresolved grief and pain in your fiance. He is casting about for a way to dull the pain. Alcohol, an affair, and even suicide all look like options to him. Sadly, he is missing out on the baby he has while he mourns the child he lost.

Sometimes people who have lost a child are terrified to love another. They know how vulnerable being a parent makes us. They never want to feel that kind of loss again so don’t let themselves get close.

Some people believe (consciously or unconsciously) that moving on means disrespect for the child they lost. They don’t want “help” because they feel that it would be in some way abandoning the child.

No. I don’t think you are wasting your time to try to support a man who is in this much pain. Your baby is only a month old. Standing by him now may mean that you can yet make a family. If you love him, you need to be patient and you need to get some practical advice. Please consider finding a therapist, not because I think you are ill but because I think this situation would be difficult for anyone. A therapist can give you the support you need and can help you figure out what to do. Once the therapist knows you and your story, she or he can also invite your boyfriend to join you in a few sessions. Sometimes this is a way to show someone that help is actually helpful.

It’s unlikely that you can commit your boyfriend unless he is actively suicidal. It would be far, far better for him to face his pain and accept some help. I hope you can talk with him lovingly and gently. I hope you can let him know that you understand how overwhelmed he is feeling and that you want to be with him in his grief. And I hope the two of you will seek out some counseling to help you through this difficult, difficult time.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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