I fake all emotions and interactions, and I hate sex: I’ve been tossed around to several therapists and psychologists, because at an early age I loved to kill things; bugs, frogs, birds, etc. I don’t know what it is that’s caused me to be that way, but whatever. All I know is that whenever any random emotion has struck me, I’m quick to thinking about killing. It used to be wanting to kill small animals with my step-dad’s old hunting knife, but now it’s progressed to wanting to kill people. Nobody really in specific, unless there’s a person who has directly given me hell. Many people fake emotion every day, but I feel like I fake them all, except for anger. I want to use knives and sharp objects to sever a person’s aorta, and I want to watch the lights in their eyes go out; I don’t want it for the blood, I don’t want it for any reason other than to kill. I can’t explain it. The only thing close to this that I’ve been able to find in my studies is sociopathy or sadism. Neither of these seem to fit me though, because both conditions usually include having some kind of sexual need. Sociopaths typically excessively masturbate, whereas I never have. Sadists usually yearn for a masochistic sexual partner to torture and humiliate, whereas I’ve never wanted it. Sex has always been a thing that I find disgusting, messy, and unnecessary for recreation. I have a girlfriend who wants sex, and I’ve always just had to act like I want it too, but honestly, I’d rather be doing anything else than having sex. I seem to fit the profile of a sociopath because of the whole lacking empathy thing, but I don’t rejoice (nor mourn) in the act of manipulating people for any reason. I don’t want to know what’s wrong so that I can get help – I just don’t want to end up having to go to prison. I want to know how to control my urges before they control me. If that takes getting help, so be it, but if there’s any other way, I’d love to know. Thank you.
Your asking for help is encouraging because it shows that you care about what happens to you and perhaps to other people. Anger may be the only emotion that you currently feel, but your letter indicates that you may be capable of experiencing other types of emotions. It’s a hopeful sign.
The fact that you are worried about being punished is also a good thing. It could prevent you from engaging in crimes. You are very correct to worry about going to prison, especially if you are having trouble in controlling your behavior. Prison is far worse than almost anyone would imagine. You do not want to experience, the frightening reality of incarceration.
If you can’t control your urges, then you have no other choice than to seek professional help. As you have noted, not addressing this problem could lead to criminal acts and imprisonment. If you want to avoid this outcome, then you must do whatever is necessary to prevent it from happening. Ask your parents for their assistance or speak to your school guidance counselor about consulting a mental professional. Treatment is the solution to your problem. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle