Idea What Kind Archives

Should I return to the UK to get treatment? In short, I had the typical bad childhood. My father was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mum and brother and was constantly in and out of prison. Both of my parents tried to kill themselves and as a teenager I would binge drink, take hard drugs, self harm and starve myself.

Now I’m 21 and I’ll be honest, I thought I would just grow out of that behavior. But I have great difficulty controlling my moods which bounce around from suicidal, euphoric to violent or anxious every hour or so, sometimes within minutes. I have extreme difficulty in making decisions as my thoughts, feelings, opinions and pretty much my whole personality changes around 2 or 3 times A day. I don’t feel like I can trust my thoughts and honestly I have no idea what kind of person I am. I often make impulsive decisions like sleeping with my boss or quitting my job and moving to China. Decisions that I almost always regret and normally I don’t know why I made that decision. I obsess over people in extreme ways and then despise them as soon as I feel they have disappointed me, which maybe just a bored look they gave me or a flippant comment they made. I have weird thoughts and often feel as if people are watching my every move or have ulterior motives no matter what they do, I feel as though i have a rational and irrational side and they are constantly at battle.

Sometimes I talk to people who really I know don’t exist but knowing this doesn’t make it any less real.

I still self harm,I binge drink and am very promiscuous, often engaging in unprotected sex with violent and abusive men and women. I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think its time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone, no amount of meditation or self reflection has helped me. My behavior damages my relationships, careers and has left me scarred and bruised. I’m currently living in China, from the research I have done, mental health services are not exactly common. My Chinese is poor and I don’t have the money to pay for a private English speaking therapist.

My question is,is my behavior just part of my personality or is there really some kind of treatment that could make me better? If I return to England I will have to start again, but I really can’t live like this. Is there anything I can do to fix myself? At times I have random impulses to kill myself and extreme urges to throw myself off of balconies or in front of trains. I’m hit by waves of grief which cripple and make it impossible for me to move.

Is it time to admit that I can’t cure myself and get some help? I assume the first step would be seeing my doctor?

Thanks for your help.

You may have had a breakthrough of sorts: “I have been moving all over the world trying to get away from this but I think it’s time to stop and admit that I can’t do this alone…”

You’re right. You can’t do this alone but that’s not to say that you have failed. You’re making the assumption that if only you would’ve tried harder you would’ve succeeded. Mental health professionals spend years in training, earning advanced degrees, learning complicated skills to treat mental health disorders. Without years of training and experience, it is immensely difficult to effectively treat mental health disorders.

You also have a skewed view of your childhood. You described it as “typical” but there’s no such thing as a “typical” bad childhood. No two people, not even siblings who share the same household, have the same experience. What might’ve been traumatic for you may not have been traumatic for a sibling and vice versa. The way in which we are raised, our social class, level of social support, family dynamics, and many other factors, affect our personality, temperament, attitude and shape our worldview.

You could read self-help books. Some of the best include those by M. Scott Peck, David Burns and Abraham Maslow. Maslow’s work is particularly important because he studied psychologically healthy people and described their characteristics. You could benefit by reading about the characteristics of self-actualizing people.

If it’s possible for you to consult a mental health professional, you should. Along with your own self-help research, it could significantly improve your life. Never think that you are beyond help. The people who are the most difficult to help, are those who don’t want help and that’s simply not the case with you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

To begin, I live with my mother and two brothers. My mother has been going threw a divorce from my step father for 2 years (who I’ve lived with since I was about 6 months old and is the father of the two brothers I currently live with). My biological father lives in Israel and has never really been involved in my life, just weekly phone calls.
Anyhow, we just moved out of our house and into a new one and I have been constantly fighting with my mother. I feel like she actually hates me, and over the past couple of months our relationship has been crumbling. I try to work as much as I can (babysitting, piano lessons, etc) while going to school, and I pay for/ do everything on my own. Gas, laundry, insurance, etc.

And my mom says all of these hurtful comments to me and I honestly don’t understand why and I guess the reason Im on this forum is to see is maybe you have a clue? She tells me Im a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, inconsiderate.. but I really don’t see how?! She tells me I have no idea what she is going threw, no idea what kind of stress she is under, but not once has she asked me how Im handling this divorce? How is school? Hows my LIFE..

For instance.. my car completely broke and its 800$ to repair and I don’t have that kind of money and she tells me she wont help me because of the way I treat her, and thats not her priority. I’m not even expecting her to pay, but the fact that she shows no sympathy for how Im going to commute to school or work is upsetting.

She does anything for my brothers, but wont do anything for me.. she’s never really shown me affection, I cant remember the last time she said “I love you” or even given me a hug without me having to mention her lack of affection first. I’m not sure what to do anymore because it’s starting to really wear me down.

Another issue I have is with my step father.. he’s under the impression he’s always been here all my life. But in actuality he hasn’t, he has never supported me finically, and only until recently- maybe even the divorce- has he started to become in tune with my life emotionally. Anyhow, I was telling him about my issues with my mother and he offers to sell me his car.. which is JUNK for 1300 (WAAAAY OVER PRICED) .. and then he tells me I can rent out the room in his house for 300 a month.. should I be appalled? He claims to be my father and he’s asking me for money to live with him? Idk Im utterly disturbed and I feel like I no longer have anyone to rely on.. not even my parents/mother
Im not even sure what my question is.

What a mess! Sometimes life is indeed very, very unfair. It sounds to me like you’re doing everything that can be expected of you and more. Your mother may be projecting her feelings about herself onto you. Money seems tight all around so both parents cast about for ways to keep or get what money they can, forgetting that you are still their child, not an adult who should take total care of herself financially. But having some guesses about the reasons for their behavior isn’t going to make you feel any better.

I don’t think you are going to talk sense into either of these people. They are going to have to come to terms with themselves in their own time. What you can do is focus on making a life for yourself. At 18, you are almost at a point where you can be independent. If you want to go to college, study hard so you will qualify for some scholarship aid. If you aren’t interested in more schooling, start thinking about how you can make enough money to get a place with a friend or two.

Most important, look for other adults who can mentor and support you. Not all of us get the family we deserve. Sometimes we have to make a new “chosen family” to get the emotional base and practical support we need. Perhaps one of your friends has a family that is happy to fold you in. Or maybe you have an adult friend through school or work or an activity you belong to. Nurture those relationships. They can enrich your life.

Hopefully, your folks will eventually come to their senses and be more parental. But if they can’t or won’t, you’ll feel better if you have developed a circle of caring people you care about.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Idea What Kind

Losing Control?

Trouble with Parents