Tag:

Impulses

Sexual Aversion Interfering with Social Relationships

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 26, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 19 years old and soon to turn 20. I have led a normal, happy life but I’ve never taken much of an interest in seeking out new friends, other than a few close buddies, or engaged in typical teenager activities like going to parties or getting a girlfriend. Recently I built up enough courage to tell both of my parents the reason behind my introverted tendencies is a loathing of the idea of sex.

They did some research and seem to think I’m asexual. I had been doing research for some time before them and I believe I have Sexual Aversion Disorder. I hesitate to label myself with a “Disorder” because I do not view myself as needing to be “fixed.”

Ever since I was first capable of sexual feeling I have harbored an intense hatred for that particular part of my person. I know I’m not asexual because I still feel sexual urges just like most anyone else. However when I act on these impulses by way of masturbation I am afterwards flooded with overwhelming feelings of rage and self-hatred. Occasionally I will go so far as to hurt myself in an attempt to condition myself against doing it again. I feel as if I will never be able to wash away the disgrace of the terrible thing I’ve done. I have no history of past sexual abuse and the topic of sex was never considered taboo around my family, this is just the way I am.

This in turn has led to an avoidance of social interaction with my peers. I never went and hung out with my high school buddies because I was afraid I would inevitably find myself confronted with a sexual situation.

It’s for this same reason I never took the effort to try and establish a relationship with any girls I liked. I could never bring myself to be sexual with someone I might come to care about. I feel as if love is this intensely beautiful and spiritual bond between two people and sex is this horrible vile act that’s degrading to both people involved. I always wanted to try at a serious relationship, but I looked around me and saw nothing but temperamental flings and one night stands at parties. I knew I didn’t want something like that. I couldn’t bring myself to take the effort to get to know a girl only to have to tell her something along the lines of “I really like you, and it’s for that reason I don’t want to have sex with you.” That would be awkward indeed.

I don’t want to spend my life as some kind of recluse because of this, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know where to turn or what steps to take next. Should I be talking to a professional? Or is there something else I can be doing to work this out? I really appreciate any advice I can get. Thank you.

Sexual desire is a biological urge. Hunger is also a biological urge. You should feel no more guilty about experiencing sexual desire than you should about experiencing hunger. Both are natural, biological urges. Once those urges or needs are satisfied, you move on. Sexual desire is a feeling that should produce no guilt or shame. You don’t eat every time you are hungry but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of feeling hungry.

At some point your life, you came to associate sexual desire with something that is shameful. It’s likely not something that you can remember and it may have been a benign event that led to the association. You stated that you do not have a history of sexual abuse but many people who have been sexually abused have no memory of the event, even multiple events.

A sex therapist could assist you with this issue. A sex therapist is an individual who specializes in the sexual aspects of relationships and helping individuals to develop a healthy sexual life. As you noted, this issue has prevented you from developing healthy relationships. The inability to participate in romantic relationships will disrupt your happiness. In that sense, this is a major issue that needs to be addressed. Sex therapists deal with these types of issues on a regular basis. Don’t ignore the issue or simply hope that it will go away. With treatment, this problem can be resolved. You may only need a few sessions to break this association. I hope that you will consider it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

March 26, 2023 0 comments

Always Expect to be Left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 27, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 27, 2022 0 comments

I feel like I’m losing my mind

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 30, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 36 years old, I’ve been married 5 yrs, but been off and on with my children’s father for 18 yrs. We have 4 children, a 16, 14, 10 & 5 y/o. My relationship with my children’s father has never been healthy (I realize that now). There’s been infidelity, emotionally abuse, once in a while physically abusive, I had began to be physical to. (He’s good at making the color black look white or laughing when I’m hurting or just ignore me all together) After marriage the physical abuse wasn’t as frequent but he became more fierce. We’ve been ok, as long as he’s kept happy our family seems to function somehow.

The problem now is that he suffered a brain injury, which has left him with short term memory loss, easily agitated, lacks impulse control. He has no connection with myself or my children, with the exception of my 10 y/o boy, he makes an effort with him and has become a lot more selfish. There’s times he does and says things that just don’t make sense, they sound odd and crazy. I feel like i’m losing my mind and I don’t know if I should be worried or whether staying to help him is going to help him, I know i’m not willing to put my children through what I went through, their father is not the same. I just don’t know how to handle this or if it’s even wise to for the sake of my children, myself, and him. I also don’t want to abandon him if he needs the help…i really don’t know what is the best thing for all of us…

I don’t know what’s best for you either. But I do know that you are asking the right questions. I do understand that it complicates things immeasurably that your husband now may not be able to control his violent impulses. My guess is that you could manage the odd and unusual. It’s the impulse control and anger issues that make the situation harder. You’re trying to figure out how to be compassionate toward him and at the same time protect your children from a distressing to dangerous situation.

From my point of view, the welfare of children comes first. You now understand that your kids have already watched their mom be in a relationship that is physically and emotionally abusive for many years. That’s been their model for marriage and family and unless you do something about it, they are apt to repeat it. You need to find a way to show them that treating people you love that way is absolutely not okay. At the same time, you want them to learn that a good person doesn’t abandon a partner when things get rough. Balancing those two issues is your difficult dilemma.

If your children are being emotionally or physically hurt by him, do consider whether there are alternative ways to provide care for your husband without living with him. If you haven’t already, I suggest you contact The Centre for Neuro Skills. I don’t have personal experience with this group so I can’t offer an endorsement. But I have looked at their website and it looks like a good place for you to start looking for more services and practical help.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

June 30, 2011 0 comments

Worried About Getting Worse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 11, 2010

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been diagnosed with major depression, but I think I may have something else. I am worried i could be a danger to others.

I often have fantasies of poisoning and hurting other people. I feel an incredible urge to poison and when I did I felt a rush of adrenaline. I actually liked it. I have already poisoned one woman I roomed with. I was kicked out of that lodge for that and sent to the hospital. They put me on wellbutrin XL for my depression and abilify for my psychosis. I don’t think they are working. Aside from my violent fantasy’s I am a cutter. I have intentionally overdosed to hurt myself. I am often suicidal. Everyone in my family is dead and I have not really dealt with that yet. I am a binge eater and sometimes I throw up my food to get rid of it. I have an imaginary world I escape into even at my age. I often feel like crying. I want a relationship but always break them off after around 2 weeks. I don’t have many friends because I am very self conscious. I sometimes steal small things from other people’s houses and cars. I feel no remorse for this but I know it is wrong. At this point I have been able to fight my urge to hurt someone else, but It is a struggle and I feel I will eventually lose. I often feel the best way to make sure other’s are safe is to kill myself.

I am at a loss as to what I should do. Somebody please help me! I am miserable and I hate myself.

If you believe that you are a danger to yourself or someone else then go to a hospital immediately. The hospital can keep you safe. When you go to the hospital tell them what you wrote in this letter which is that you have a strong urge to poison someone. You should also inform them that you have harmed someone in the past and that you’re worried that you may do it again. They will likely hospitalize you and you can get the help you need immediately.

My main concern is that you seem unable to stop yourself from harming people. You have succumbed to your impulses in the past and that is concerning. You may need to be hospitalized at this time but you also should consider entering an intensive treatment program. Perhaps it is the psychosis that is driving you to want to hurt yourself or someone else.

Perhaps there are other explanations for why you want to harm yourself or another individual. As you mentioned you feel a sense of pleasure when you think of hurting someone. That sense of pleasure needs to be addressed and extinguished. That may be accomplished with a partial hospitalization program, a competent therapist or a team of therapists. The desire you feel to harm others or yourself is not something that should be ignored. It is not normal or healthy and it may be dangerous.

As I mentioned above, if you believe that you may harm others or yourself then go to the hospital. If there is no immediate danger then the hospital may not be helpful but treatment for these issues is strongly recommended. You should contact a therapist or an intensive treatment program as soon as possible and enter treatment. A therapy program could help you address your issues. Perhaps you could learn to redirect your unhealthy impulses toward a healthier outlet.

I am encouraged that you recognize that there is something wrong. I hope this recognition means that you are willing to attend treatment. You have already harmed someone and were punished, albeit not very harshly. At this point in time you recognize that those destructive thoughts have returned and you feel the urge to repeat your actions. Now is the time to do what is necessary to prevent a tragedy. At this juncture, your thoughts are only thoughts. Thoughts cannot harm another person but they may eventually lead you to engage in a serious or deadly crime. It is your responsibility to seek help for this problem. If left unchecked there is a chance you could seriously harm or kill another person and may be imprisoned for the rest of your life. You may even be given the death penalty. For the sake of yourself and the lives of innocent individuals please seek help immediately. Here is a website that may assist you in finding a therapist in your community. I thank you for your question and hope you will get the help that you need.

January 11, 2010 0 comments