Infertility Archives

From a woman in the U.S: I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. The last year of our relationship was on and off. We had a really really rough relationship simply because, he always assumed I was cheating on him. I never in the 4 years we were together cheated on him. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone in my life.

We tried for 3 years to get pregnant. We changed our diet, I quit smoking, we tried some natural remedies, and still…3 years and no baby.

The last year we were on and off, I kept to myself. I went on a few dates, but nothing ever manifested from them. He on the other hand, slept with a lot of females. The last time we talked was just before Christmas in 2019. A month and half went by before we finally spoke again. When we started talking, everything seemed to be going pretty good. We were flirting with each other, and even talked about possibly going on a date.

And then, he dropped the bomb on me that he got some girl pregnant in the month and 1/2 that we hadn’t talked. I was in shock and instantly heartbroken. I left work for the day because I couldn’t stop the tears from filling my heart with ache. Later that night, we talked on the phone for 3 hours and I just cried. More than I had every cried before. I felt like I was robbed of what was suppose to be MINE. It was absolutely the most worse I had ever felt. I felt shattered, and completely broken and like something died in my heart and soul.

Now, he wants us to keep “talking” and has made comments about how even though she is having his 1st, that he can still have more kids with “someone” else. (Meaning me) I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. Do I keep talking to him and see where this goes??? Or, do I take this as a sign to leave him alone and finally move on?

I keep trying to explain to him that a baby changes everything, especially because now….he has a baby mom that’s going to be in his life forever. He said he’s not involved with the girl at all anymore, that he only checks up on her for the baby. He says he’s completely single, and free to do what he wants. But, I’m having a VERY VERY HARD TIME ACCEPTING that he’s having a baby with someone else. I want to walk away but I also want to see what happens. He’s the only man that has sparked my soul in the last 5 years, and every time we stop talking, it never seems to last that long. We’re both CONSTANTLY running back to each other.

Please Please HELP ME. I’m so sad about the whole situation that tears are just casually falling out of my eyes like water from a faucet. I just feel like I put in the time and work! 4 YEARS and now someone else gets to reap my benefits? I don’t know what to do, should I forgive him in due time and see if maybe I CAN handle this or should I just walk away.

I’m sure I don’t have the whole story. This is so complicated. But my first impression on reading your letter was asking myself why you stayed with in a “rough” relationship with a guy who was constantly accusing you of cheating. Now he says he’s “totally single.” But he’s not. As you pointed out, he’s tied to a child for the rest of his life. The fact that he is uninvolved with the woman is, to me, a negative comment on his character. He does have a responsibility to her and his child. You deserve better — much better.

I do understand your pain. Dealing with infertility is one heartache after another. It’s possible you are mourning the baby you thought you would have with him more than the guy himself. I do understand your longing and grief. I also understand your disappointment and anger. But I don’t think the way to resolve this is to return to a guy like him.

I urge you to find a therapist immediately. You need more help and support than I can give you in an advice column. A therapist can hear the details and can help you come to some new understanding of just why someone who treats you so badly is the only guy “who sparked your soul.” You need support in grieving for the relationship and for the failed attempts to have a baby. And you need some guidance and support in finding the kind of guy you (and any child you have in the future) deserves.

You are still young. You have time to do your therapeutic work and to find the right man to love and with whom to have a family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

From Brazil: I read a ton of articles about this subject, but my case doesn’t fit any of those. My girlfriend is 31 years old (I’m 24) and we’ve been together for a little over a year. I love here as deeply as I possibly could and I wanna build my life with her.

In june she discovered that she’s infertile, the chance of having a baby is 5% max., if not totally impossible. That didn’t affected me at all!! I’ve never wanted to have children anyway, and I always thought adoption is AWESOME.

After that first discovery, she did many exames with other doctors, but I wasn’t asking a lot about the treatment fearing that it would make her even more anxious. A terrilbe mistake. She did other exames showing how infertile she was and she did’nt tell me a word until a few day ago. In addition, one of her relatives (thank God it wasn’t a close one) got arrested for murder. Everything in one month. I tried to be as loving and caring as i could, but I could indeed feel that she was kind of avoiding me.

Now, she’s devastated. She keeps saying that she feels like she’s taking my right to have a kid, she can’t even imagine telling our friends and especially my family. She’s is so stubborn that she haven’t told her family yet. She’s taking a ton of hormones to stabilize her period (polycystic ovaries) and she is NOT at her normal state. I can’t figure it out how to take this burden of her away.

I sad that I didn’t care, that we’re a couple, no one know what the future holds, that I always thought that adoption was awesome (too soon perhaps?) and we’re going to figure this out togheter, but she just couldn’t just accept that. She asked to take some time off on last monday (07/06), crying a lot, I can see that she really loves me. On the next day, I summarize everything that I feel: we’re a couple, she’s going to organize her life but I will ALWAYS be here for her.

How can I convince her that isolation is a terrible mistake, that she’s is not taking anything from me, that she needs psychological help and that we’re better and stronger together?

Thank you so much for this chance!!!!!

Thank you for writing. I applaud your attitude. There are so many children in the world who need the kind of loving parents you would be. But right now your girlfriend is in mourning. She isn’t ready to think about adoption as an option.

I’m guessing that she put off thinking about having children until she met a guy like you. Now, at 31, she finds that it’s likely she can’t be a birth parent. Like most women, she probably had fantasies about her future children. She is now grieving those children she will not have.

It really is a kind of death.Taking hormones and not telling her family are only signs of the usual elements of grief: denial, bargaining and anger. With help, she will eventually move to acceptance but it will take time.

Unlike other deaths, there are no rituals to help in the process. There is no wake or funeral. There is no grave to visit. Other people often don’t understand.

You aren’t saying anything wrong. You may be saying it at the wrong time. You are moving to what you can do. She needs to first be supported in her grief.

I suggest you encourage her to cry and to tell you about what she had imagined her future children with you would be like. Be sad with her. Think together about some kind of private ritual the two of you could perform to say goodbye to those mythical children. Plant some flowers. Burn a candle. Do whatever would be meaningful to her. Only when she has time to truly accept the loss will she be able to embrace other children; children who need her and who can receive all the mothering and love she can give.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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