My parents have said many times that I’m cold blooded because i don’t feel sad or pity when people die in terrorist attack like they do, i really don’t understand why i should, it’s not me. I tried to drown my sister out of jealousy but i played the victim so I didn’t get punished. I like to break friendships up and make my friends hate each other. I like to wreck other people’s groups. I like to twist people’s words to make them feel bad and apologize/’comfort’ me. I only want to become a surgeon when i graduate because i want to operate on people not because i want to help them and my mother always say that of me, but even though that is not my goal, they are still helped in the end, so what’s the problem? I once ran away from home for a while so that my parents can get worried and be punished. I pretend to be the innocent and lovely person around other people. I once accidentally poisoned a cat but I don’t feel regret. I was happy when my baby cousin had a hole in his heart because he was born near my birthday and he took the spotlight away from me. I was mad my granddad died a week before my birthday so my family wont celebrate my birthday cause they are greiving. I fantasize about murdering or torturing people that has wronged me, but i wont do it cuz i will get a criminal record . I wasnt brought up in a abusive family and i have never had a traumatised childhood. I dont know what’s wrong with me.
The fact that you worry about going to prison might prevent you from harming strangers, but it does not seem to prevent you from wreaking havoc in the lives of those closest to you. There are occasions when you purposely harm them and subsequently feel no remorse. These are worrisome behaviors and responses.
I can’t answer the question of what is “wrong” with you, on the basis of a short letter, but generally speaking you seem geared towards harming rather than helping people. How you treat people is a choice. You can choose to do good or you can choose to do harm. For reasons that are not well understood, some people choose the latter.
In a broader, more philosophical context, our choices are considered good or evil. To help someone or to relieve their suffering is considered good. To do the opposite, to intentionally behave in ways that harm people, is considered evil. As the famous Stanford psychologist, Dr. Philip Zimbardo explains, “Evil is knowing better but willingly doing worse.”
The first step in changing negative behavior is acknowledgement. By acknowledging these issues and by asking your question, you are behaving responsibly and in my view, trying to change your behavior. It would suggest a desire to change. That is hopeful and encouraging.
Your next step should be asking your parents to assist you in finding a local therapist. Counseling will help to correct your thinking and behavior. You will learn how to move away from behavior and tendencies that could lead you into trouble. If you were to carry out your fantasies, you could be facing a lifetime in prison or, depending on where you live, the death penalty. You must do everything in your power to correct this problem. Counseling is the ideal solution. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle