Life Stage Archives

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and for a good portion of that time we were long distance. 4 months ago we moved in together. recently he and i have begun to discuss introducing me to his 2 boys (3 & 7). we both figured that it was a good time, we have been together for a while and we are very much in love and want much more together, i have met his family and his ex-wife.we have finished getting settled and going through the growing pains of moving states and moving in together. now seems to be a good time to begin integrating me into their lives.

although everything seems to be lining up well, there is one major speed bump. im 23 and he is 30, ive never had kids and he has, i have never thought i would want kids of my own but he told me that he knows for sure that he doesnt want anymore. my concern is that im still young and my thought that i may not want kids of my own could change as i get older (or so im told) and i dont want to be the woman that comes and goes in the kids life if i decide later that i want kids and he doesnt…. should i put everything off until i know for sure or should i take a chance and hope it all works out? any advice would be more than welcome!

You are asking good and important questions. Those questions are so good I am surprised you actually moved across states to move in with your guy before you answered them. His children are a fact in his life. Being with him means you have children – two of them. They are going to be a central part of your life and his for at least 20 years. If you move any further into this relationship, you’re a mother. It looks to me like you didn’t factor that into your decision-making.

I think you should take your own good sense seriously. Asking the question about meeting the children is a way you are asking the question about whether you want to enter your boyfriend’s life. At 30, he is at a different life stage than you are. Some women (and men) like the opportunity to fold themselves into a lifestyle that is already pretty established. But others like to be with age-mates and discover how life unfolds together. It looks to me like you are having your doubts.

You owe it to yourself, your boyfriend, and the children to take a step back to think about all these things before you complicate matters further by being introduced to the children. Young children love easily. It’s not fair to them to get into their lives if you’re uncertain. They’ve already had to manage the breakup of their mom and dad.

The fact that you are thinking hard about the implications of meeting the kids tells me that you are a thoughtful and sensitive person. I suspect that you got so swept up in love that you lost sight of some of your central values. You’re now at one of those moments where a decision will take you down one path or another. That deserves some time and consideration.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My what I think is to be anxiety has taken over my thoughts. There isn’t a day that goes by that my mind is not consumed by insecurity, stress, and obsessive thoughts. There is no reason of these emotions, they are just there. I am 16 years old and people might say I have a good life. I have friends and can get girls, but inside, I don’t feel right. It’s like I haven’t found myself. I take Zoloft for anxiety, but I think there is way more to it than anxiety. My thoughts often feel “cloudy” and I get off track easily. I feel like this issue is holding me back from doing some fun things and having a great life. I used to be a real good student, but now my grades are dropping extremely. I often find myself looking in the mirror, it’s like I have to. I don’t know why, but I think it’s me trying to find who I am. It’s like I have no personality. I am way overly conscious of my looks. When ever I learn about a new disease, or disorder, I focus all my energy on that and I think I have it. I once convinced myself I was mentally retarded. I just wish I could be somewhat normal in the inside as everyone else. I know you’re suppose to accept who you are, but I think this is something that needs to be dealt with. I have an appointment in about a month with the therapist. I was just wondering if anyone could give me a head start on all this. I tried to explain it as well as I could and any advise or information would be appreciated.

I am sorry that you are struggling. In some respects, what you have described is normal for a teenager but there is also clear evidence of the symptoms of depression and anxiety. During your high school years, it is normal to struggle with self-esteem and identity development issues. Developmentally, you may be experiencing the “identity versus identity confusion” stage. This stage generally occurs during one’s high school years. At this life stage, individuals are attempting to find their own identity. It typically involves trying to fit in with other people, joining new groups, etc. It is essentially a time of trying to determine who you are and where you fit in. It is a normal, healthy and necessary stage of life.

Your obsession with having a particular disease is not a normal part of this stage. That obsession is a symptom often associated with anxiety, specifically obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This does not mean that you have OCD but it is a sign that anxiety is a definitive presence in your life.

Having “cloudy” thoughts and feeling as though you have “no personality” may be side effects of antidepressant medication. It is not uncommon for people who take antidepressant medication to report that they feel numb or lack a normal range of emotions. Some individuals report that they have difficulty with concentration while taking antidepressant medications. In many cases however, it is difficult to distinguish between medication side effects and psychological disorder symptoms. Even so, you should check with your prescribing physician to assess the possibility that some of your symptoms may be caused by medication side effects. In addition, be sure to discuss those and all other symptoms with your new therapist.

I am glad that you have made an appointment to see a therapist. You are taking a proactive approach in dealing with your issues. From my perspective, you are doing exactly what you need to be. One additional recommendation I have for you is to educate yourself about anxiety disorders and low self-esteem issues. You can accomplish this by reading books, reviewing websites, talking to other teens, or joining support groups, (online or in-person). I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Life Stage

Should I Meet My Boyfriend’s Children?

Can’t Stand This Anxiety