Tag:

Living A Lie

Racist dad won’t accept her boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 28, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years! I am so in love with him. We get along fine, no complaints in the relationship. Well about the 1st year we had been dating my dad shoved me up against my closet door and kicked me out of the house for dating my boyfriend because of his color. While out of my house during year 2 of me and his relationship i was allowed home because my dad got into a really bad car accident. He soon recovered and started walking again. For the past 4 years my dad just assumes that i dont have a boyfriend. He always talks about me getting a boyfriend. I am 22 years old, in love with this guy that my dad doesnt approve of because of his skin color. I am stressed out as about the time i leave my house and either move in with my bf or live by myself how to deal with my family not talking to me, because i know they won’t because of when i was kicked out the first year. I want to know how to deal with this? when is the right time, after i get a job, to tell them about me and my boyfriend being together for so long? I’m scared of what it may come down to, I’m happy it’s my life, I’m responsible, mature, and understand life. Please help me with what i should do.

As you’ve discovered: Avoiding a problem sometimes creates yet another one. You now have both the issue of who you are dating and the fact that you’ve been living a lie for so long. Your parents will rightfully see this as an indication that you aren’t as mature as you think you are. Further, they are likely to think less of your boyfriend because he participated in the lie and didn’t insist that the two of you work it out with your folks.

You have a very, very difficult decision to make. If your father represents the feelings of the whole family, making a life with your boyfriend will mean losing your family of origin – at least for a time. People don’t change just because we want them to. What you can hope for is that the family will eventually come around. They are more likely to do so if you and your sweetheart make a good life for yourselves and if it is clear that you love and cherish each other. Further, people are more likely to make up if they part ways without loud, angry words, incriminations, and accusations. If instead you simply, clearly and, above all, calmly tell your parents how much you love them, how much you appreciate all they’ve done for you, and how much you regret that your choice is something they can’t support, they are more likely to reach out to you after they’ve had more time. After all, they love you and don’t want to lose you as much as you love them. If there is someone in the family who can be an ally, do have a conversation with them to see if there are ways they can lend their support.

I don’t know enough about the situation to know about timing. I do know that the longer you live a lie, the harder it is to undo it. I suggest that you get yourself a counselor. You need an ongoing relationship with someone who can look at the situation objectively and who can help you through the difficult conversations and decisions that are coming your way. Your boyfriend should participate. If the two of you want to be together, you need to take on this big challenge — together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 28, 2011 0 comments

How do I end it?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 13, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I thought for many years that I lack emotion and as I get older I have come to realize that this is true and has been present since childhood; pictures that I have taken I noticed that I never smiled. I have been trying very hard to fit in and express the correct emotion by studying others in a given situation. I suffer from social anxiety and isolating myself doesn’t improve my situation. Despite this I am a union representative at work and I am an excellent student in college; although I would prefer to be a missionary but I know I have a bad habit of doing what is expected.

I know I meet all of the criteria’s of a loner but I wanted to change that so I decided to get married. I thought this would help me fit in and may help me express emotion naturally. I have been living a lie trying to convince others that I party and drink just what they expect but it gets difficult and confusing trying to be someone else; I just figured I would become that someone else. I know I jumped the gun thinking about marriage since I have never had a boyfriend or been sexually active.

Anyway, I met a guy at work and I knew I shouldn’t have but we started seeing each other but have kept our relationship a secret because other men would be jealous. We have known each other for 2 years and I guess dating for 2 months if that’s what people call it. We were intimate about 3 weeks ago and I didn’t feel pleasure or pain for that matter. I thought this would work but it didn’t and I just want to crawl back in my shell; at least I tried.

The problem I am having now is that he is in love with me but I have no feeling for him at all. It disgusts me to kiss him or hug him. He’s not an unattractive guy; it’s just me. I don’t know how to break it off with him. He told me several times that he has had his heart broken and he really wants to settle down and given his age (34) I understand. However, I know I am not the one for him or anybody for that matter. I made a huge mistake and I don’t want to break his heart, although I don’t know what that feels like but I watch people become depressed after ending their relationships. I’m not worried about him causing trouble at work seeing that we are on different shifts and I am his union representative and he needs me (I just got this position otherwise I wouldn’t have pursued this relationship; other than this we are equal status employees).
How do I end this relationship?

Gently and soon. I do understand what you were trying to do. I do applaud you for taking some risks. But this man deserves to have someone in his life who loves him wholeheartedly, not someone who is in the relationship primarily to struggle with her own issues. Follow your good instincts. Thank him for his love and attention. Tell him some of what you have told me to make it clear to him that it isn’t about him but rather that it is about your own unresolved problems. Let him know that you wish it were different and that he is a fine and good person in your eyes. Free him to find someone who can reciprocate his love.

Then get some therapy. Your impulse to make change is a good one! Anxiety is treatable. There are better ways to handle it than living this double life. Furthermore, there are reasons you feel so disconnected from others – and from yourself. Therapy will help you understand yourself better and will help you develop a more honest approach to life. You deserve to be able to look in the mirror each day and feel that you are a person with integrity. It’s lonely in that shell of yours. I think you also deserve to have help developing into the kind of genuine person you want to be. I searched the web for mental health services in your city. There are several centers that offer the full range of psychiatric and counseling services. Please ask your doctor or someone you trust for a recommendation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 13, 2011 0 comments

Depression due to sexuality issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 14, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I suffered from depression from January 2010 to January 2011. Honestly, I think I still suffer from it but, its harder to put a label on it ever since I quit counseling.
Now that I am going to start meeting with a new counselor, I need to know how or when to tell my new counselor about my sexuality issues. How do you tell someone something so
personal about your life? How do I open up about the issue?

I am a female who is attracted to other females, as well as men…the wierd thing is, I hate the idea of sex because ((I will never do this, nor have I ever done this)) but, in my head, sex and power and violation are always connected. Without that, sex is confusing to me. For me, it is always about power and control…it’s never been about intimacy. It makes me feel like a terrible person on the inside to think of sex in this way…….thats why I am depressed and also, because I am attracted to females and I live in a conservative Christian family and feel like a black sheep, like they would never understand or hear me, if I opened up about it. I hate feeling depressed about my sexuality but, its such a private and intimate topic to discuss in counseling and I wish to know how to articulate these same feelings to my new counselor so I can move forward and overcome my depression. I feel like I’m living a lie with my family, due to not sharing this intimate detail of my life with them. However, the helplessness I feel leads me to depression because I don’t feel as if there is any other choice?

You’ve written an articulate letter about a sensitive topic. I’m sure that there are many people reading it who understand. Sadly, you’re not alone in feeling so alone. Issues of sexuality and family acceptance are often what bring people into therapy.

Once you’ve established that you like and trust your new counselor, a simple way for you to introduce the issues is to ask him or her to read your letter. I do think it’s essential that you find some way to do this and do this early. It would be very difficult for a therapist to be effective in treating your depression without understanding such a central issue in your life. We therapists only have whatever people tell us to go on. When information isn’t shared, it’s hard for us to do our best.

Although I could venture some guesses about the basis for your beliefs and feelings about sex, I’d be stretching. Such issues are so individual and so complicated, that a general response often entirely misses the point. You’ve been wise to find a counselor who can really get to know and understand you. I urge you to make the commmitment to be a good partner in the effort.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 14, 2011 0 comments