Tag:

Manic Depression

I Don’t Feel Like Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 4th, 2023

I am 17 diagnosed with Manic Depression, and Cluster B Trait. I am currently on Prozac and Resperadone (pardon my spelling).

Lately I have been discussing the strangest conversations in my head. Let me explain. I think I’m different and that I have a power no one else posses. I’m not human. And I discuss in my head that my kin (aka master) will be coming to pick me up. That’s just one conversation not enough time to discuss all of that.

I don’t let myself sleep because I feel like I will be attacked or worse taken advantage because of who I am. I came home one day the back door was open (my brother says it wasn’t but I’m pretty sure it was) so I grabbed the stake knife and walked through out the house to see myself in the mirror with a knife… I sat in the living room quite course TV, phone, internet wasnt working. He might have found me…hopefully I’m about to turn whole.

I know others can read my mind. They look at me funny when I think about things as if they heard me. They are stronger than me. But the moon is my strength.
Am I schizophrenic? I need to know…. Because reality and dream world all seem to blend into one big dark hole and I’m lost in there somewhere….who am I?

I can’t determine if you have schizophrenia based upon a brief correspondence. Though I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, your symptoms are concerning. Your thoughts are not reality-based. For instance, you described feeling nonhuman, having extraordinary powers and believing that people can read your mind. None of those things could be true yet they feel very real to you. You seem to have had a break with reality, also known as psychosis. Psychosis is associated with disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

You said that you “don’t let yourself sleep.” Your lack of sleep is likely exacerbating your symptoms. Without the proper sleep, your symptoms will worsen.

It seems as though you are in frequent contact with mental health professionals. You should immediately report your symptoms to them. Your treatment team may want to change your medication and revise your treatment plan. Changes to your medicine could stabilize your symptoms and allow you to function normally again. Tell them about your symptoms immediately.

Your safety, and the safety of others, is of paramount concern. It’s alarming that you recently felt compelled to protect yourself with a steak knife from an imaginary attacker. Surely, this incident frightened your family. If you feel as though you may be a danger to yourself or to others, call emergency services. Don’t hesitate to call for help.

There may be a few things you can do to help yourself more, too.

Practice Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is crucial for your overall well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, mindfulness, or creative pursuits.
Connect with Loved Ones: Spending time with friends and family members who support and care for you can help you feel more connected to yourself and your identity. Reach out to those who are important to you and make time for quality connections.
Reframe Negative Thoughts: Try to reframe negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself into a more positive light. This can involve challenging unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more realistic and self-compassionate perspectives.
Reflect on Your Interests and Values: Take some time to reflect on your personal interests and values. Engaging in activities that align with your passions and beliefs can help you feel more connected to your authentic self.
Set Small, Achievable Goals: Setting small, achievable goals for yourself can help boost your confidence and provide a sense of purpose. This can involve setting goals for personal growth, self-care, or pursuing your interests. Celebrate your successes along the way and be gentle with yourself as you work towards your goals.

Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 15, 2022 0 comment

Getting Help Online?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 13th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I need to find a way to talk to a therapist, but I don’t want my family to find out about it. I live with my mom, brothers, and sister. My mom knows I’m in a bad place in terms of mental health and has said that she would support me seeing someone, but she makes fun of people we know for seeking treatment. She thinks that depression is something you can choose to have or not have. I have been suffering for 3 years and I don’t think anyone would choose this. She has told me I don’t have a right to be upset because at my age (24) I have nothing to be down about. I could go on and on about why it’s not a good idea that they know, but I think you can see what I mean. The problem is that since I have a disability she wants to know where I am all the time. I think the only way for me to get treatment would be online when she’s away, but I don’t have any money because I’m still trying to get a job. What choices do I have? I live in Illinois

It’s a shame that your mother has such old-fashioned ideas about therapy. People go for therapy for many reasons. Sometimes they are dealing with a mental illness. Sometimes they want support to cope with a challenging situation. Sometimes they don’t want to burden or burn out family and friends so they talk to a therapist instead. And sometimes people go to a therapist for personal growth. Talking with someone who can provide perspective and experience can often be useful.

Depression isn’t something you can talk yourself out of. But you can take some steps to help yourself.

First: Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Often what looks like depression is a result of poor sleep habits, lack of enough physical exercise or poor food choices. To some extent, our moods are a reflection or how we care for our body.

2) You can use a book to coach you. Two books that some of my clients have found particularly useful are:
“The Depression Workbook: A Guide for Living with Depression and Manic Depression,” by Mary Ellen Copeland and Matthew McKay and “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns, M.D.

3) You could join the depression support group on LifeHelper. People like yourself share what is working for them and offer each other support.

4) The Depression and Bipolar Alliance website has a support group locator on it. Try this link: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_landing

Those are a few places to start. But I also hope you can stand up for yourself with your mother. At 24, you have a right to make your own decisions about what is good for you. Since you are disabled, I’m guessing that you have some health insurance to help you pay for therapy. I hope you will also eventually see a therapist if you continue to suffer in spite of your efforts to take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 13, 2022 0 comment

When Does Schizophrenia Show Up in Women?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 3rd, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Both of my parents are mentally ill, my mother suffering from Schizophrenia and my father from Manic Depression. Both of my parents had regular auditory hallucinations and paranoia.

At 21, I’ve yet to suffer from any of their symptoms, but have been struggling with PTSD and related anxiety. Since I was aware enough to know my parents were ill, I’ve constantly monitored myself to make sure I wasn’t sick like they were.

From reading on this site and others, it appears that Schizophrenia shows up in women later than men. Could someone please talk about this more? Since I’m a 21 year old woman, I’d like to know if it’s possible for me to still develop Schizophrenia (though I show no signs of it now and haven’t in the past). I also just want to know at what age can I finally relax and know I’m past the threshold.

You are correct. Schizophrenia does tend to occur later in women than in males. The average age range for a female to develop schizophrenia is roughly ages 25-29 (18-21 in males). The reasons for the age difference between genders are not well understood.

Not every male or female who ultimately develops schizophrenia does so within the above-mentioned age range averages. Males can develop schizophrenia later than late- adolescence and females may get it sooner than their late twenties.

But you must know that just because both of your parents had a mental illness in no way means that you will be mentally ill. One does not necessarily lead to the other. It is true that people whose parents have a mental illness are at a greater risk for the development of a mental illness. Heredity does seem to play a role but there are many more factors that contribute to the development of a psychiatric illness.

The environment an individual grows up in can affect whether or a not a disorder develops. The majority of people with schizophrenia, for instance, report childhood physical, sexual or mental abuse. This is not to say that all people who are abused go on to develop schizophrenia. This is clearly not the case. But in some instances, the abuse could have possibly contributed to the development of the disease. Maybe if these individuals had never been exposed to abuse they may not have developed schizophrenia.

Drug use can also play a role in the development of schizophrenia. Drug use is commonly associated with schizophrenia, as well as bipolar disorder. I am familiar with a case in which a “normal” young adult male spent his weekend using LSD. By the end of the weekend, his LSD “high” never wore off. He never returned to his “normal” state of mind and subsequently suffered many psychotic breaks and was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. No one can be sure that his drug use definitely led to schizophrenia but it is a distinct possibility.

You are not doomed to develop the disease just because your parents did. You mentioned you have some other psychiatric issues, such anxiety and PTSD but neither of these are signs of schizophrenia. You also mentioned you have no other symptoms that would lead you to believe that you have the disorder. Please know that realistically, your chances of developing schizophrenia are very slim.

It’s unhealthy for you to constantly worry about this issue. By constantly focusing on this fear, you are keeping it alive and helping it to grow. If you do continually worry about this, it would be helpful for you to contact a therapist. You may feel better if you had someone you can discuss these fears with. A therapist can also help you with your anxiety issues as well as the PTSD. I hope this helps.

April 3, 2021 0 comment

Career Failure and Full of Regrets

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 7th, 2020

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have always suffered from performance anxiety, social anxiety, and a certain degree of manic-depression. However I am very smart/talented and was very successful in high-school and attended a top university. I was very unhappy there and almost dropped out despite good grades. I was briefly treated for anxiety caused by a prescription drug and this treatment made me happy, outgoing and popular, but also manic and sexually dysfunctional. During this time I was recruited to many great jobs but was scared to take them and instead started my own dot-com business. However once off the treatment my anxiety/depression returned and the business did not develop too much. Eventually it failed and it became just me working for one of our clients. This spanned 15 years since college and overall it provided a pretty good income in a low-stress environment although I had to work from home and it was very lonely.

Recently that good situation collapsed. Although the client loved my work, the CEO lied about it for years and took credit for it herself. When I found out she demanded I also lie to her Board to save face for her. This meant not taking credit for ten years of my work so I refused. She was caught in a lie and fired me in retaliation and the Board did nothing to stop her although they were fully informed. So I hired an attorney and sued, and they gave me a small settlement. My attorney then demanded more than that settlement amount in fees which was not what we agreed. I now have no job, no positive reference for ten years of my work, and a legal bill I am unwilling to pay.

The unfairness of this situation is making me extremely angry. I feel like the CEO, the Board, and my attorney are all users and liars who cared nothing about what was fair or right, and only about their own profit. They all saw me as a weak person and took full advantage of me.

Now I am full of regrets. I regret I didn’t pursue a career that would have provided more job security like medicine instead of chasing dreams on the internet. I regret I didn’t find some better treatment of my symptoms so I could have managed the business better. I regret I never found any satisfying relationship b/c of my anxiety problems and lonely work situation.

Worse, I don’t see a path forward. How can I find a new job when my past ten years has just been erased? How can I be happy starting with a small job again when my classmates are at the top of their fields making six and seven figure incomes? I could have been like them if I didn’t have these problems to deal with. I am also tormented by the many great business ideas I want to pursue, but am afraid will fail like the first one. I don’t want to be a 40 year old loser. I don’t know what to do.

You are being very hard on yourself. If a friend shared this experience with you, you probably would not warn them that they are at risk of becoming a “40-year-old loser.” My guess is that you would provide encouragement and reassurance.

Things did not evolve as planned but you have had a successful career. An unexpected event occurred that was outside of your control. How could you have predicted such an outcome? The answer is that there is no way you could have known. You cannot change history but you can learn from it.

My advice is to reframe your view of this situation. You are not a failure. You were highly successful for a significant period of time but due to events outside of your control, you’ve lost your income. You are comparing yourself to your friends but each person has unique life circumstances. It is not a fair comparison.

You are only seeing the negative aspects of your situation but there are positives. Now you have a chance to do what you always wanted. Many people never have this opportunity. They live their entire lives engaged in a less-than-ideal career and never change course. You have that opportunity now. In this way you are very fortunate. Had the unforeseen event not occurred it may have been impossible to begin a new career. Think of it as a gift. You are now in the position where you must forge on and start over. Maybe this is the jumpstart that you’ve needed to change the course of your life to a new, more desirable direction.

You are now on the verge of doing something that you have always wanted to do. Going forward will be an uphill battle but you have no choice. It won’t be easy but nothing that is valuable in life ever is.

I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors. If you have continued difficulties, it would be advantageous to consider therapy. A therapist can help you remain objective and also support your efforts to rebuild your career. There is no shame in wanting to ensure that one’s thought processes are as sharp and as realistic as possible. In addition, it will allow you to receive the mental health treatment you regret not pursuing 15 years ago. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

April 8, 2011 0 comment

What Do I Have?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 2nd, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s probably wise to start with my child hood traumatic events since they most likely are the reason for my problems. I grew up the disappointing son of a Harvard divinity graduate mother and MIT entrepeneur-award-winning graduate father (who by the way, I could never fullfill the expectations of) and became the firstborn son of an extremely overprotective family. I grew up taking the brunt of many things: the heavy expectations to succeed, my fathers verbal and physical abuse (I remember only bits and pieces of just a small percentage), the troublesome spot as the family scapegoat, and the extreme overprotective handholding that kept me from leaving the house almost entirely until i was around 15. That all started to loosen up around then, but while my younger brothers got that slack, i was sent to an array of residential treatment centers. The reasons for getting sent away were vague and/or exaggerated accounts of radical behavior, but none the less i spent two and a half years as a private funded resident of two level 14 lockdowns, a group home, and a wilderness program, before finally graduating high school. In that time, my small amount of anxiety related problems have grown to an array of a lot of obsessive thoughts, panic and anxiety attacks, severe detatchment/derealization/depersonalization (I currently have not felt an emotion other than an occasional anxiousness for 3 weeks straight), agitation when the topic of my past treatment or other psychological aspects of my past comes up, and other symptoms like insomnia, headaches, weakness, tremors, dizzyness and more. I have been on lithium for 8 years and concerta and risperadol for around a few months and i doubt any of them are helping. I can already reasonably diagnose myself with panic disorder/agoraphobia but I am still in question about whether I fit into a diagnosis like acute stress disorder or PTSD. I have previously been diagnosed with depression, manic depression, agitated-manic bipolar, ADHD, aspergers, and probably a few more, but i am sure all of that has to do with the confusion in my own mind conveyed wrong to the therapists, and I hope to define a clear diagnosis once and for all. Thank you for listening to my painful speech, please help me piece together this puzzle.

It is difficult to give you a diagnosis. It is possible that you have PTSD. PTSD generally occurs after a trauma. Your negative experiences with mental health facilities have caused you great distress and may explain some of your symptoms.

In addition to PTSD you may also have a general anxiety disorder. Again it is difficult for me to know with certainty what your diagnosis is. The best way to know your specific diagnosis is to have a complete psychiatric evaluation. Even then it may be difficult to gain a specific diagnosis, at least in part because you are taking multiple medications. Medication, for some individuals, blunts their emotions and sometimes makes it difficult for them to feel. Medication may also explain why you feel a sense of detachment/derealization/depersonalization.

It must have been difficult for you to have experienced what you have. You may not have any specific diagnoses. You may simply be reacting to your difficult life experiences. You began your letter by describing yourself as the scapegoat in your family. You believe that you have disappointed your parents. I get the sense that you “never felt good enough.” The negative feelings you have about yourself most likely contribute to your everyday suffering. Therapy could assist you in sorting out your feelings as well as to help you examine the truth about your place in the family. You may feel as though you failed your parents but that may not be the case. Just because we feel that something is true does not mean that it is. The way you feel about yourself and your place in the family is something that should be examined objectively.

You’ve been sent to various facilities by your family. Maybe the problem isn’t you per se. Maybe it’s the family who needs to learn a new style of interaction. Family therapy may be helpful with this.

If you’re willing you should also consider individual therapy, in addition to family therapy. You may have had individual therapy in the past and it may or may not have been helpful. Even if you have had prior individual counseling I still believe it could help you now, especially if you had a very good therapist.

I’m sorry that I cannot offer you any definitive answers. It is always difficult to give a diagnosis over the Internet. I hope you’re able to find help so you can finally put together the “missing pieces” of your life’s puzzle. Don’t give up. Here is a link to a website you can review and find local therapists. Thank you for writing.

January 17, 2010 0 comment