Mortality Archives

From Bangalore India: This all started when my grandpa passed away last year. I saw my grandpa die as they bought him home from the hospital. He came home and slept immediately, and he didn’t wake up again. My uncle performed CPR, and I tried calling the ambulance. The call didn’t go through and to this day I feel I am responsible for his death. In reality, if the call had even gone through, it would have made no difference. But I can’t get over the fact that there was nothing I could do.
From that day, I can’t stop thinking about all my family dying in a horrible way. Everyday, when I walk home from school, I think about the ways they could die and what I would do without them.

I love them a lot but I know someday, everybody must go. But the fact that it keeps me awake at the night and enduces nightmares, I can’t seem to continue my life normally anymore. I also sometimes breakdown crying at the night.

I just want it to stop. Please.

Your grandfather died in a way that was peaceful for him but traumatic for you. I’m sure everyone has reassured you that in no way is it your fault that the call didn’t go through. You and your uncle tried your best but, as you say, it would not have made a difference if the medics had gotten there more quickly.

You are going through what is known in philosophy as an existential crisis. This is an absolutely normal response to a difficult death. Your grandfather’s passing made the finality of death real for you. Up until then, it was an abstraction. Yes, philosophically, we all know that everyone dies. But it is the first meaningful death we experience that makes that idea starkly real. That event makes many people question the meaning of life and the meaning of their own existence. It falls on us, then, to come to grips with the transient nature of life and to figure out how we want to live and love. These are the big, important questions. The fact that you are struggling with them tells me you are a sensitive and thoughtful person.

Modern life doesn’t give most of us the time we need to grieve and think and think some more — even though it would be helpful to do just that. If you can’t take time out from your responsibilities, what you can do is compartmentalize your feelings so you can function.

Here’s what compartmentalization means: Decide on an hour or so a day when you will give yourself permission to grieve your grandfather and to think about those big questions. Whenever feelings and thoughts come up for you at other times, remind yourself that you will deal with them during the special allotted time. Then make sure you do it. Your thoughts are less likely to intrude on your day (or your nights) if you give yourself a specified and regular time to store your memories and to think hard about the meaning of your experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I get so anxious and nervous that it’s hard for me to make friendships. And it’s hard for me to keep friendships. I can’t give presentations in school. I just want my last years of high school to be fun, I want to be able to get through the day without feeling like I’m alone or made a mistake. I want to stop being anxious and feel normal. I feel like I cut myself off from other people because of my fear of rejection and my anxiety. I want it to stop.

It sounds as if you are fed up with your anxiety. I find this encouraging because it may signal that you are on the verge of making a positive change in your life (i.e. getting rid of your anxiety.)

Anxiety is a very common problem. People develop anxiety for multiple reasons. In your case it seems as though it may stem from a lack of self-confidence. You are focused on what other people think of you. Apparently, in your mind, you have established that you are not “good enough” and thus feel anxious.

You are frightened of public speaking. You are not alone. Most people share this fear. Surveys have shown that the fear of public speaking often ranks higher than the fear of death. This means that people are more frightened about the idea of speaking in front of others than they are of their own mortality.

When it comes to public speaking assignments, a common mistake in the thinking students make is that they believe they have to be an “expert” on their assigned topic. The reality is that you are a student who has been assigned (i.e. forced) to give a speech to the class. No one in the classroom, including the teacher and especially the other students, expects you to be an “expert” on your topic. Students are not expected to be experts. You may be putting undue pressure on yourself to be something that you are not (i.e. an expert). Try to have a more realistic mindset. Study the material, learn your speech, share what you have learned about your topic with the class and simply try to be yourself. Do not try to be an “expert.” Don’t try to be something you are not because it will only increase your nervousness. Just try to be yourself and this should decrease your nervousness.

The key to eradicating anxiety is to believe in reality. Anxiety is based on unrealistic fears. Believing in the unrealistic fears is what keeps the anxiety alive. Anxiety thrives on irrationality and illogical thinking. You may believe for instance that you do not make a good impression in front of others and this increases your anxiety. Just because you feel as though something is true does not mean that it is. You may feel as though you do not make a good impression in front of others but what objective evidence do you have to support this assertion? It is important to analyze the facts in every situation. Search for objective evidence and let reality guide your feelings.

If this continues to be an issue, I would recommend seeing a therapist. That would be the most efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety. You can also speak to the school guidance counselor. Inquire whether he or she has any tips to share with you about how to improve your self-confidence and decrease your anxiety. You may also try reading self-help books. I would recommend The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal With Worry and Anxiety by Lisa M. Schab. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Mortality

I Keep Thinking About My Family Dying

How Can I Quit Being Anxious and Have Normal Relationships?