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Motherhood

Meeting ‘True Love’ While Married

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4th, 2022

From the U.S.: I have been in an unhappy marriage for five years, since our daughter was born to be exact. Although she makes me feel so lucky and a very happy mom, my husband and I seemed to agree to be a team and work together for the sake of her happiness. I always thought that doesn’t matter how difficult our relationship gets, I would never leave him because I don’t want our daughter to grow up with divorced parents. I promised this to myself, until I met “The One”.

We made eye contact, and there is an electricity when we are close together. It feels as if I’ve know him forever, like an old friend that I can be myself with. I can’t do that with my husband, I have to watch my words, my attitude and to not say something that he disagrees with, he often disagrees on everything I say. Walking on eggshells. He’s not romantic, or loving, or sensitive, he thinks when I cry I’m just being childish. He has said things that have hurt me a lot and that I will never forget. But I have tried, time and time again to be the “happy family”, it’s been hard but people seemed to think we are alright, that means no problems.

My parents have been married for over 40 years, I wanted that so bad. But I don’t see my husband and I being like them, always loving with each other for many more years. We plan sex, we have weird hugs, we rarely kiss. We’re together for our daughter, and our pride.

I have always try to be honest and be forward on my feeling, it’s been a few months now that “The One” has been trying to win me over, he knows I’m married and kinda respects that, he is divorced and also has a daughter that is a year older than my own. He has shared how much he would like them to play together. He is so loving, and sensitive and most of all, a positive person that always reaches for happiness. My mentality has made a complete turn. Why should I sacrifice my happiness? Don’t I deserve true love? Why should I live with someone that makes me feel bad about myself? Should I tell my husband? Should I end my marriage?

I don’t want my daughter to suffer. Please help!

I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you that using “The One” to crowbar yourself out of your marriage is a mistake. Moving from one relationship to another without taking the time to heal generally results in repeating some version of the same situation. You need to take the time to make sense of why you were drawn into such an unloving marriage and to learn new ways to be in a relationship.

If you want to leave your marriage, leave it for all the reasons you gave in your letter. Those are the reasons that matter — not the entrance of the new guy — and those are the reasons you should give your husband if you decide to separate. Neither of you should be distracted from those realities by focusing on “The One.” You should be talking about why your relationship is failing.

Frankly, I don’t believe in anyone being “The One.” I think you are drawn to this guy because he is such a contrast to the man you are with, and he offers you a way out.

If “The One” truly loves you, he will give you a year to recover from the marriage, to find your own identity outside of that relationship and to look at him clearly (without the stardust of being favorably contrasted with your husband).

I sympathize with your desire to give your daughter a positive model for adult love. I understand why you want to give her the kind of stable upbringing you had. But it’s also important to consider whether the environment you and your husband have created for her is the healthiest.

Fortunately, you and your daughter’s father do know how to be a solid parenting team. That shouldn’t change if you divorce. He should stay in her life.

You and your daughter are both young. If you do divorce, you have plenty of time to recover and to find new love. You have plenty of time to work on making the kind of family you’ve always wanted.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2022 0 comment

She’s Mourning Infertility

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 29th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Brazil: I read a ton of articles about this subject, but my case doesn’t fit any of those. My girlfriend is 31 years old (I’m 24) and we’ve been together for a little over a year. I love here as deeply as I possibly could and I wanna build my life with her.

In june she discovered that she’s infertile, the chance of having a baby is 5% max., if not totally impossible. That didn’t affected me at all!! I’ve never wanted to have children anyway, and I always thought adoption is AWESOME.

After that first discovery, she did many exames with other doctors, but I wasn’t asking a lot about the treatment fearing that it would make her even more anxious. A terrilbe mistake. She did other exames showing how infertile she was and she did’nt tell me a word until a few day ago. In addition, one of her relatives (thank God it wasn’t a close one) got arrested for murder. Everything in one month. I tried to be as loving and caring as i could, but I could indeed feel that she was kind of avoiding me.

Now, she’s devastated. She keeps saying that she feels like she’s taking my right to have a kid, she can’t even imagine telling our friends and especially my family. She’s is so stubborn that she haven’t told her family yet. She’s taking a ton of hormones to stabilize her period (polycystic ovaries) and she is NOT at her normal state. I can’t figure it out how to take this burden of her away.

I sad that I didn’t care, that we’re a couple, no one know what the future holds, that I always thought that adoption was awesome (too soon perhaps?) and we’re going to figure this out togheter, but she just couldn’t just accept that. She asked to take some time off on last monday (07/06), crying a lot, I can see that she really loves me. On the next day, I summarize everything that I feel: we’re a couple, she’s going to organize her life but I will ALWAYS be here for her.

How can I convince her that isolation is a terrible mistake, that she’s is not taking anything from me, that she needs psychological help and that we’re better and stronger together?

Thank you so much for this chance!!!!!

Thank you for writing. I applaud your attitude. There are so many children in the world who need the kind of loving parents you would be. But right now your girlfriend is in mourning. She isn’t ready to think about adoption as an option.

I’m guessing that she put off thinking about having children until she met a guy like you. Now, at 31, she finds that it’s likely she can’t be a birth parent. Like most women, she probably had fantasies about her future children. She is now grieving those children she will not have.

It really is a kind of death.Taking hormones and not telling her family are only signs of the usual elements of grief: denial, bargaining and anger. With help, she will eventually move to acceptance but it will take time.

Unlike other deaths, there are no rituals to help in the process. There is no wake or funeral. There is no grave to visit. Other people often don’t understand.

You aren’t saying anything wrong. You may be saying it at the wrong time. You are moving to what you can do. She needs to first be supported in her grief.

I suggest you encourage her to cry and to tell you about what she had imagined her future children with you would be like. Be sad with her. Think together about some kind of private ritual the two of you could perform to say goodbye to those mythical children. Plant some flowers. Burn a candle. Do whatever would be meaningful to her. Only when she has time to truly accept the loss will she be able to embrace other children; children who need her and who can receive all the mothering and love she can give.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 29, 2021 0 comment

I have no one to talk to

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 29th, 2020

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 19 year mother, i have a daughter who is 2 and im currently 4 months pregnant. I am with my baby on the way’s father, and he told me that we would live together and have this great life. Once we found out i was pregnant, he told me i couldn’t tell his parents till he was out of school, when he finished school, he said not to tell them till they got back from their cruise, and i can’t tell my parents because they told me they would kick me out. My dad always yells at me for dumb things, and when he gets upset at me he always says to get out and find somewhere else to live. I wish i could, but i have no one else. I dont have a job or go to school and i dont have a car or my liscense. I have been trying really hard to do all those things but no one wants to help me out. I get so upset because i was so happy to have this baby and everyday it seems like this happy moment is turning into a nightmare. I cry everyday because sometimes i feel like having this baby is the worst thing i ever could do, but its not the babys fault. I just need some advice on what i should do.

You’re right. It’s not the baby’s fault. Clearly you think you are old enough to be a mother (You even listed motherhood as your occupation.) so it’s time you started acting like one. Mothers protect their children and do what they need to do to take care of them. Your boyfriend isn’t interested in being a father or partner in raising your kids. Its not wise to depend on him to take care of things. He’s already shown that he isn’t going to do it. Nonetheless, it’s time he manned up and told his parents. If he won’t, you have a right to. His parents are the grandparents to your child. They may or may not offer a helping hand. Your parents have probably done all they feel they can. They have given you and your daughter a home but are so frustrated with you that they threaten to kick you out. All this adds up to the fact that you can’t afford to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You’re on your own. Loving your daughter and your baby means growing up and shouldering the responsibilities that go with the occupation of raising kids.

Visit your local social service agencies and find out how to establish a home for yourself and your children. Finish your education and get into some kind of job training program so you can support them. I did a search on the web and found Clare House. I don’t have personal experience with the agency so I can’t comment on their services but it does seem like a place to start. Here’s a description from their website:

Clare House transitional shelter serves homeless women and children by providing a temporary home in a caring environment, life-skills programs and aftercare support leading to self-sufficiency. The program not only gives women and children a safe place to stay, but also assists clients in overcoming the barriers that brought them to their current situation of homelessness. The program includes a 90-120 day stay, intensive case-management services, agency collaborations and aftercare support.

If your parents will let you stay, you may not need the shelter. But you absolutely do need the case management services. Case management will help you figure out how to get health care, housing, some temporary support, food stamps, fuel assistance, etc. and, most important, will help you make a plan for becoming self-sufficient. You have five months until the baby is born. You can do a great deal toward making a stable home for you and your children in that amount of time if you put your mind to it.

You made an important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Now take the next one. Make an appointment with an agency and get started on making a future. Your children need you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 20, 2011 0 comment