My Wife And Kids Archives

have 34-year old wife and 2 kids (daughter 9 year old and son 5 year old). I love my wife and kids.

I’m married for almost 11 years now. Although, I’ve seen my wife’s mood swings immediately after marriage, thought that would fade away after few more years. And, that too I was travelling and staying in USA, Japan, India, because of these frequent change in residence – for the first 5-6 years, didn’t really think she had a big problem in these mood swings.

But, then when we decided to settle down in Bangalore in 2005, things started changing after 2006 (May) after my son was born. Of late, its become unbearable and she has initiated divorce and want to take away the kids. My daughter is so attached to me, but my wife is adamant in taking her also along with her. In India, the divorce law works different for different religion and me being a Hindu, in most probability both the kids would go to her.

Leaving aside the legality, I’m determined to find a solution to my wife’s problems. I’ve read about Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar, but not able to decide to what category my wife falls into. Here are few things, which I can tell about her anxieties, etc:

1) MAIN THINGS RELATED TO HER BEHAVIOUR:
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Main thing that can be highlighted – her sexual aversion (dislike). All her thinkings and imaginations were revolving around that:
a)Her accusations for 5 years that I’ve some extra-martial relations (which has no truth)
b)Her accusations always related to sexual stuff – something like sister-brother sexual relationship; sexual relationship with immediate family members
c)She even told my daughter 2 days back in her screaming voice that even after divorce we all won’t let them live peacefully and I would push my daughter to prostitution
d)Someone called her lesbian. In fact, just 2 days back before she being called a lesbian, she told that, she had told her sister what lesbian means and immediately she got this idea that someone called her lesbian. In fact, I was witness to some call her friend made talking for almost an hour about some vulgar stuff
e)About a year ago, a spiritual leader she trusted misbehaved with her. Her sisters say that this might be a lie.

Was there any sexual assault which she had early in her childhood, which is not known to anyone, because of which she starts thinking negative on this?

2)Her wild imaginations – mostly compounded by unfounded fear. Some examples:
a)The swimming pool where she used to take my daughter for 3-4 years; she thought her sister is telling some confidential information to some people who used to come to the pool. She suspected me also that I used to supply information. She had altercations there always with almost everyone
b)When we went to North India trip last year, she was constantly telling me that, her sisters were calling up the driver and was inquiring about her – the dress she was wearing (was it tight or not.. etc..)
c)The music class where she took my daughter – she had more severe problem that my friend’s wife told something to the music tutor and everyone there out was trying to harm her and my daughter. She insisted me to go and check with the tutor. I with lot of reluctance asked the tutor- she told that its all her imaginations. Even my friend’s wife came and told the same thing.
d)She told me that she observed me talking to some call-girl in the night time (this argument went on for years again). We all used to sleep in the same room, but still my wife contents that I was speaking
e)She accused me again that I used to discuss the sexual problems with her sisters (Oh man.. this was too much of imagination)
f)I had given my cell phone to her for 3 months; she didn’t find any such calls and later told that I used to call from my office; I told that I can bring a printout of what calls I made or received; she then told that I used a public booth
g)Pestering my daughter that someone called to her school telling something. Her school does not encourage that
h)She has told many times that her phone is being tapped
I or sister or someone has sent someone to spy on her

3) Socialization problems:

a)She had big socialization problem; never used to mix with anyone or trust anyone. Sometimes she used trust someone and later used to tell they are bitches. Used to quarrel with most of the people. I had to change the residence; the situation became even worse and we almost had street fight on a daily basis with neighbors and had to go the residents association. Later got an anonymous letter from someone (we suspect it was the neighbor) addressed to me telling all about her extra-marital affairs with someone she used to roam around when I was in office. I didn’t go to verify and just ignored it. I supported her in her fight against this letter. This letter is very nasty. If it was true, then its very ugly
b)I had told many times not to go to pool or classes or anywhere, because, she used to fight with almost everyone. She then used to tell me that I was discouraging my daughter.
She surely has a perception problem and gives opinion for others – something like I don’t care for the kids. Her expression of love and affection is something she accepted as standard.

4) Incidents which might have influenced her behavior:

a)Losing both the parents in teen and she herself claims that she was the favorite kid for both of them
Searching for father-like figure even with husband?
5-months after marriage she had to come back from USA and stay alone being pregnant in sister’s house. I had traveled back to USA
b)Mother-in-law’s (my mom) insistence of staying with us and her (my mom) suicide within 15 days after 2nd child’s birth
c)Father-in-law (my dad) moving to our house and his constant pressure (my wife was also part of it)

She has a big suicidal tendency. She has tried to commit suicide many times. Even 2 days back, she was trying to. This time it is more dangerous, where she want to take the kids also along with her. Looks like she’s suffocated with something mentally.

She refuses to visit a doctor and thinks that she has no issues at all. I’ve contacted many counselors – they all accept this, but say that she has to go there.

Do you see any problems with my wife? Based on the descriptions, what is the ailment which she has? Depression or Mania or Schizophrenia?

Despite the many details you have provided, I am unable to give a diagnosis over the Internet. Having said that, I can make suggestions for how to approach this problem.

The three biggest concerns about this situation are: (1) that your wife has a history of suicide attempts; (2) she is currently considering suicide again; and (3) she has threatened to kill your children. Those are major red flags. Take her threats seriously. Your wife is not thinking clearly. She is paranoid and delusional. I am not familiar with the mental health laws in India. Nor am I familiar with your country’s legal system but it is important that you consult with both legal and mental health professionals. They can help you to determine what legal options you have and how to protect your children. The children should not be in your wife’s sole care. They would likely be in danger.

You stated that you have contacted many counselors. Have you informed them about her suicidal threats, her suicidal history and her threats to kill the children? If not, then report that information immediately. In the United States, if an individual makes suicidal or homicidal threats, they could be forcibly hospitalized for their own protection and for the protection of others. Speak to the counselors again and ask them if similar commitment laws exist in your country. Forcing her into treatment against her will might be the only way to ensure that she receives the proper help and that your children are safe in her presence.

In addition, you stated that your wife has been pursuing a divorce and that in India, she would likely be granted full custody of the children. It is important that you inform the court about her suicidal history and her current homicidal threats against the children. The judge would likely not grant custody of the children to your wife if he or she was aware of her mental instability.

Accusations of extramarital affairs, convinced that people are spying on her and attempting to harm her, are all signs of paranoia and delusional thinking. Those symptoms are commonly associated with psychotic disorders, which may include schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, and several others.

If possible, surround yourself with friends, family and other supportive individuals. Your wife is unable to recognize that she needs help. Unfortunately, this puts you in a very difficult position of possibly having to force her into treatment. The reality is, however, that even despite her obvious need for help, the laws in your country might prevent you from getting her the treatment that she needs. Explore your legal options with the appropriate professionals. The Nodal Alliance Of Mental Illness of India may be able to assist you. Here is a link to their website.

If you have any additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Since I can remember I have had horrible anxiety when it came to change and social interactions. On top of that I would experience horrible mood swings, from feeling like I was a superstar to feeling so sad and hopeless I wanted to die! I have been on many different anti-depressants and anxiety drugs. I have always felt out of place and had few, if any, friends. As a kid I would fake being sick so I didn’t have to go to school, if I had to do a presentation in front of the class I would pretend I was sick or hurt to go home to get out of it, as I got older, like high school I would go hide in the rest room until that class was over so I didn’t have to be in front of the class. In my adult life I have hid in a rest room at work so I didn’t have to give out an award in front of a 100 people! I have walked off jobs because I was to scared to walk through the door.

Now I just moved and transferred to another store and in a completely new dept. I know nothing and feel like a complete idiot! My anxiety is off the charts, I am hundreds of miles away from my wife and kids all alone in a little studio apt and my depression is the worst its ever been. I am so tired of feeling like this, I can remember all the way back to preschool and feeling the anxiety from being around others. I am at the end of my rope, I feel something is majorly wrong with me. I have been to numerous therapists but only go a couple times then get freaked out and quit! It feels like its getting worse and I am afraid I am going to lose my job!

Anxiety has plagued you since childhood. It continues to be a problem, most likely because it has never been properly treated. You feel as though the problem has become worse over time. It seems as though it has. Avoiding or fleeing anxiety-producing situations reinforces an anxiety problem and will increase future anxiety, in most cases. It temporarily provides relief but in the long run, it makes it worse.

There are very effective treatments that exist for anxiety and panic. Two of the best are (1) cognitive behavioral therapy and (2) exposure and response prevention therapy. Both are very good but they cannot work if you quit therapy prematurely.

The key to overcoming anxiety is to resist the urge to flee a situation when you feel anxious. Your desire to flee a situation is understandable in the face of severe anxiety but it is this very behavior that reinforces the anxiety. Resisting this urge to flee and enduring anxiety are the only true ways to solve this problem.

It is important to understand the nature of anxiety. It can increase to very high levels but it can only reach a maximum. It will eventually peak and then decrease. Part of exposure and prevention response therapy is encouraging the client to endure all of the stages of anxiety, from the most intense periods to its ultimate decrease. Exposure and prevention response therapy would essentially force you to face your fears in a systematic and controlled environment.

Force yourself to attend therapy even if it makes you uncomfortable and anxious. It may be unpleasant but it is a cure. Anxiety does not have to be a crippling or lifelong problem.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders. Also consider a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention therapy. For those who are willing to undergo this type of therapy, the success rates are very high. A Psych Central blogger recently posted about her experience.

Psychotropic medications can help to decrease your anxiety while undergoing therapy. You have tried several medications and they have not worked but that is not an uncommon beginning. You should continue to work with your prescribing physician and continue to search for one, or a combination of several, medications that will provide relief. Remember, relief is not a cure but merely a means to manage symptoms.

Unfortunately, if this problem is left untreated it will very likely worsen. This is often the nature of an untreated anxiety disorder. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you locate a therapist in your community. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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