Navy Archives - LifeHelper

I met my boyfriend almost 4yrs ago. He had just left his wife for cheating on him for the 3rd time and this time getting pregnant! Everything was going fine between us for about a year. Til things started going downhill! He lived with his stepdad and his stepdads wife. His stepdads wife’s daughter from out of town had come to visit and while she was there her and my boyfriend starting having sexual relationships. I had now known this was going on but had bad feelings about it because of the way he would act towards me everytime she would come to visit. He would tell everybody that she was his sister and that is it…come to find out that wasn’t it…she is married with 3 grown children and would come to visit when her husband was out to sea with the Navy and would leave her kids at home just to come see my boyfriend, while telling alot of people she was coming to visit her sick mother, which wasnt true!!! This went on for about 2 yrs. He confessed to me after about a yr of cheating on me but I still took him back everytime she wasnt around. Then it came to the point where she knew about me and finally called me to talk about the situation. At first she acted all concerned and caring but come to find out down the road all she wanted to do was stab me in the back and keep seeing him while still being married. Last year he and I found out we are having a baby…and he said he wanted to be with me but then went to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with her and her kids because her husband as usual was out to sea! I guess while there my boyfriend found out that he is not the only one she has been seeing behind her husbands back and come home from that trip in a rage!!! at the time we really were not boyfriend/girlfriend. But then on Christmas day he came to my house to tell me that he is totally through with her and wants to be with me and the baby as a family. I told him that is fine but it will take me a long time to trust him and believe him that he is totally through with her!!! Things have been going really good between us since we are back together and he even moved in with me! But there are times when he acts like he did when he was cheating…and I don’t know how to take those actions. I want so badly to ask him if he was sincere with his words about being through with her, but deep down I am afraid he will lie to me and say yes while in the meantime be contacting her behind my back. I really want to resolve this with him but just not sure how to bring it up without getting into an argument! We are expecting our baby in 3 months and I have told him over and over again that she will be nothing to this baby and will have nothing to do with the baby!!! He agreed with me but how do I know secretly he wont send her pictures of the baby or even contact her to tell her about the baby. And this girl has called me and told me, before my boyfriend and I got back together, that she will have rights to see this baby and I will not be able to stop her from doing so!!! And that she will buy things for this baby whether I like it or not!!! What do I do with this situation? How should I bring this up to him in hopes not to start an argument? And how will I know if he is telling me the truth and being honest with me about being through with her totally? Any help will be greatly appreciated!!!

I”m very worried that you can’t see things clearly because you are pregnant and scared. Your boyfriend only declared he was loyal to you after he found out his other girlfriend was cheating on him! The only person in this situation who is faithful and constant is you. Unfortunately, you can’t argue your boyfriend into being an honorable man and you can’t control what the other woman will try to do. She has no rights to your baby at all. Her access to the child is dependent on the baby’s father. If you don’t trust him to honor your feelings about this, I don’t know how you are going to make a family with him. It’s time to let go of the fight with these two cheaters and instead to focus on making a safe and loving home for your little one. I hope you have family and friends you can count on and who can share your joy in your baby.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months now. Thing have been great up to about a month ago. One night we where setting on the couch. She had a really bad week of work because she just got permoted to a management job and she has been really stressed out from the week. She told me when she starts falling in love with someone that she loses all sexual interest in that person and wants to be mean toward them and start pushing them away. She then mumbled she has been like this since she was in the Navy and that something happened that caused her to be this way. And also she shared a email that she recived about Military sexual trauma and shared it with me and said that’s how she feels. She said all her past relationships had ended because of this. and she wants to get help. She told her psychologist about this the one she is seeing for depression and they are thinking of sending her to a expert to deal with it.

I have noticed that she is very moody sometimes after a stressful day she wont even talk to me. she is always saying to me I dont deserve her I deserve better and always thanking me for putting up with her being moody. She grinds her teeth at night and I also noticed she bites her nails to the nubs.Her drinking is not that bad of a issue she might not drink during the week. If so it’s just a beer or two and she doesn’t drink till she gets hammered.But sometimes when she’s been realy stressed she will drink until she is really drunk.

I don’t know what I need to do to help her. The sexual detachment is is a big concern for me. I dont want to damage or push her away but I dont know how she feels if i try to have sex with her or what she is feeling. Should I let her come to me and not push the issue? She is still very affectionate toward me holding hands,laying on me.,kissing me,hugging me. How can i support her and how can I help her get through this? and what do i not need to do to not make things worse? I am in love with her and she tells me she is in love with me and i want to help her get through this. She is 33 in good physical health was in the navy from 97-2000.

You two must love each other very much. She loves you enough to share her past and her fears, in an effort to not push you away like she’s done with others. You love her enough to want to help. That makes this situation hopeful. As you’re finding, sexual trauma harms more than the victim. It also affects those around her. Your girlfriend has done a good job getting on with her life. But in high stress situations and when a relationship gets serious and sexual, she gets “triggered.” That means that the feelings and memories of the past traumatic experience flood her to the point that she has to flee. Staying in the situation feels to her like the abuse is happening all over again and she feels powerless to do anything about it. She therefore pushes the lover away or escapes by drinking too much. She knows that these strategies don’t work in the long run. But in the moment, it’s all she can do to get away from the emotional pain.

Fortunately, there are therapists who specialize in sexual trauma. Do encourage your girlfriend to follow up on getting treatment. It is probably frightening to her to think about digging up memories she’d like to forget. Reassure her that therapists who do this work know how to create a safe haven for sharing and for doing it at her own pace. Remind her that if she could do it on her own, she would have done so already. Provide support but don’t push her. The original trauma was one of being out of control. It’s very important that she feel in control of her therapy.

In the meantime, you and your girlfriend might find some helpful information at this website that I found by searching the Internet: http://mydutytospeak.com/military-sexual-trauma/
I don’t have any personal experience with this group so this isn’t an endorsement. It just seemed like maybe it could be helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Navy

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Military sexual trauma is getting in the way of relationship