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Is a Divorce on the Way?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When already in the ‘possible divorce’ zone does a husband forgetting your anniversary mean he might not love you? Me and my husband have had a rocky relationship but lately it has escalated to the point of talking about separating or divorce. 7 months after the wedding I found out he was having an affair with an ex. When confronted he blamed me and treated me very harshly. We ended up staying together but he would never speak of his infedelity really which has caused 8 years of questions, fears, and continuous pain for me. About a month ago I reached a point where I no longer cared about his reaction, I just needed answers! He admitted to a few things, one of which was having an affair with the same woman a year before we got married when we were having problems. I had accused him of this for 9 years but he denied it vehemently and made me feel horrible for even thinking it. Lying for 9 years using the same face, tone of voice, and sincerity that he uses when he says he loves me has left me with a lot of confusion and fear. On top of that our sex life has never recovered and not for lack of trying on my part.

I am trying to salvage what’s left of the relationship but I appear to be doing it on my own. After several attempts in the past month to tell him I don’t believe he is IN love with me anymore and that he needs to go out of his way to tell me and show me, I received nothing for valentines day but a dozen roses he picked up WHILE he was at the store the Saturday AFTER. He received many thoughtful gifts from me. That Sunday I told him how much it hurt and reinforced him going out of his way to show his love for me. And he does keep saying that he loves me, hes not going anywhere, he’ll do anything for me. But it seems like a lot of words with no action.

Sunday is our 11 year anniversary and I’m terrified he won’t remember or do anything special. I NEED him to remember. The first 2 years we were together he was head over heals for me and always remembered without prompting and did special things for me. Now i know that will fade with time which is why the past few years I’ve usually reminded him and told him what to get me for all occasions as I’ve never measured his love for me in remembering dates. But I feel like with all that we’ve been going through, fighting or talking about our problems and my pain and trust issues every couple days for a month now that he should be thinking of those things if he truly is in love with me

I understand you can’t tell me if my husband is still in love with me but the way I feel right now, we are going to separate if he doesn’t remember and I’m not sure if that’s crazy or reasonable. So my question is, am I being too harsh? Does it mean anything at all if he forgets?

On a side note the reason I’m so worried he will forget is he hasn’t mentioned its coming and he ALWAYS has (when he remembers) when march comes around.

It sounds to me like you aren’t really sure what you want. You say that you’re already in the divorce zone. This man has lied to you, cheated on you, and isn’t interested in being intimate with you. He has only honored the usual occasions for showing love and caring when you have prompted and begged. And yet you say you NEED him to remember an anniversary of a marriage that has never been particularly good and that doesn’t look promising for the future. Is it possible that you are so scared to finally cut the cord that you are grasping at straws? Will it really be enough for you to stay married if he comes up with gifts and flowers now and then but you can’t trust him?

I suggest you stop asking yourself if he loves you and instead ask yourself if his kind of love is the kind of love you want to accept for the rest of your life. I hope you love yourself enough to believe you deserve better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Bad Relationship, Problematic Life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

my father past away in 2007 which was about 5 years ago. I have never really mourned properly over his death and i know i seek father like attention in my partner who is 39 (alot older than me), i am 18. He has a problem with addiction and will never stop playing computer or masturbating. His behaviour drained my positivity and listening skills from me in the last 2 years we have been together. i dont blame him but he lives with me and has no job so i cant get him to leave as he has no money. i dont knwo if staying with him is a good idea as he is not a good influence in my life. i take drugs ALOT and i cant stop, im always thinking about getting on. My mother is in a wheel chair and suffers from a nerve probem in her legs known as Charcot Marie Tooth which i also inherrited genetically. Since my fathers passing i feel as if i have no emotion for anything, always emotionally drained and my partner annoys me so much whenever he is upset. i hurt my pets and smile at it. i masturbate and have sex compusivly when i start an dit will go on for 5 – 30 days. i secretly hate all my friends and i have sex with other men for money even tho i am in a relationship. That is also a complusion for me. My partner does not know about it. I just feel like i want to hurt people all the time in an emotional way and sometimes i cry for random reasons or over very small things. i HATE being ignored by anyone or anything. i like watching people suffer, i get off on it, BUT i appear as a positive person except for lately. i have been saying some quite negative things which my partner has picked out but he has his own problems so i dont really take any advice from him. I just feel like i dont care about people and their feelings. i am extremely selfish in some ways but in other ways i will give all my money away to my friends and shout things for them all the time. i just want to know if there is something wrong with me. im tired of feeling this way an di can feel myself drowning in a pit of negativity and sorrow. i hate who i am becoming but i cant stop what im doing. ive tried and when i do, i always think of some reaosn why i NEED to do it or GO BACK so i continue. please help …

You have named a number of areas in your life that make you unhappy. One potential problem area is your relationship with your boyfriend. He has a problem with addiction related to excessive time on the computer. You also stated that he does not have a job. The reason he does not have a job may be related to his addiction.

Other issues that you mentioned include the fact the you feel as though you have an addiction to chronic masturbation. Another potential problem is that you are having sex with men for money. You also described being emotionally unstable, grieving the loss of your father, you may be experiencing stress associated with your mother being in a wheelchair, and you “enjoy” hurting others and animals. Those are all signs of instability.

It is possible that the recent loss of your father is the cause of or has exacerbated your problems. You could greatly benefit from outside intervention. My recommendation is to see a therapist.

Don’t ignore your problems. Much of what you have described is abnormal and it is hurting you and potentially others. I’m not certain how the mental health system works in your country but it would be advisable see a mental health specialist as soon as possible. It is especially important to do so soon, since you feel as though you cannot control your behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi ~ I’m 13 years old & I’m chilean so I’m sorry about my English. So, I just feel a total looser, I’m freaking fat (Usually people say I’m skinny, but I’m pretty fat) & my emotions are like a roller coaster. I cut myself since I’m 11 & I’ve tried to stop but I just can’t. When my mother yells at me I just feel like a piece of trash & I just NEED to cut myself. Cutting is my drug, I’m obsessed with cutting. Honestly, I started cutting myself because I was bored but it became very serious: now I have suicidal thoughts. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t concentrate in class. I’m tired of faking smiles s o people can’t realize about what’s going on with me. I don’t want anyone to know about what I’m going thru cause they would think I have psychologic issues & anyone would ever talk to me again. One of my best friends saw my cuts & said I was crazy for doing that & that I needed to get help, so that’s what I’m doing.

I have a crush on my best friend & we are both girls.

We’ve been friends for a year but I never felt like this with any other of my best friends. We sometimes ‘flirt’ with each other and stuff but I think for her it’s just joking around. I like her but I also like guys.. Am I bisexual? Thank you.

Cutting is unfortunately prevalent among young adults. Many people engage in cutting or in other self-harm behavior because they lack the necessary coping skills that would assist them with difficult life problems and emotions. I believe that this is likely the case in your situation.

You asked whether you are bisexual. That is a complicated question. Some individuals report experiencing a time in their lives in which they are attracted to both males and females but later find that they are only attracted to one or the other. In addition, the fact that you are currently experiencing psychological problems makes determining your sexuality a difficult question to answer. You may have a clearer understanding of your sexuality after you become more emotionally stabilized.

My concern is that in addition to cutting you have suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are very serious. My recommendation for you is to speak to your parents. You need to let them know that you are struggling. It is also important to inform them about your cutting. If your parents knew about your difficulties, they in all likelihood would seek professional help for you.

You mentioned that you are ashamed of your problems but please don’t be. None of these problems are your fault. Not disclosing your problems means that you will continue to suffer. Many people experience psychological problems. They seek help and they receive the help that they need and want. Please inform your parents immediately and call emergency services or go to the hospital if you feel that you might harm yourself. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Insomnia and Other Troubling Symptoms

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Thoughts won’t shut up, devouring soul, frightened to death. I NEED HELP! I REALLY NEED HELP, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF ANYMORE! I can’t sleep. It goes on in cycles, longest insomnia has lasted is 7 days. People keep talking about me. They keep wanting to hurt me. They say cold, mean things and they JUDGE ME. I can’t pay attention. Words mix up, sometimes I don’t understand what people are saying, almost like they are speaking in a foreign language. A LOT OF TIMES PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING!!!! He used to touch me. It freaks me out because I keep seeing and feeling the emotion I pushed away. My psychiatrist is going to re-test me. She’s worried I’m hearing things. STRANGE VISIONS. I see stars in the room and they are smiling at me. Once I saw everything tell me to die and I kept saying egg salad. I feel like crying because I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM. I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS. I DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

What is wrong with me? I don’t normally act like this. At times I do. At times I don’t. I hate my arms. They are huge and disgusting. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I’m freaking myself out. I hide from people, I don’t like to be around people because they think I’m weird and I do, too. I scare myself. So I’m never really around people. I used to be social a lot of the time. It all stopped when I turned 18, got in that abusive relationship where he abused me, and now I’m like this. I freak myself out. Sometimes I become really violent because I’m tired of people talking about me and not understanding me. I throw things. A lot of times I hurt myself.

This is really scary, I hate it when I get like this. I’m sober now, I’m not on drugs or alcohol, but still…

I feel there’s something underneath me…its tingling…

Gosh, I’m losing it. Just help me. I don’t understand myself when I get like this, what is wrong with me? I’m tired of seeing these visions. My thoughts devour me.

I am sorry that you are experiencing so much difficulty. It is difficult to feel ungrounded and unsure.

The most efficient way to deal with this problem is to continue to relay your symptoms to your psychiatrist. If you feel that your psychiatrist is not helpful, then consult other mental health professionals. If you are overwhelmed or feel that you might harm yourself or others, then it is important to go to a hospital immediately. A hospital stay may help you to stabilize.

If this situation is not an emergency, then consider other treatment options such as psychotherapy. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but did not say whether or not you are involved in other types of psychological treatment. Individual counseling might be helpful. It could assist you in analyzing your thoughts and help you to become more grounded. Group therapy could also be helpful. With group therapy, you would have the advantage of interacting with a number of individuals who can provide support and guidance.

I would also recommend inquiring about a sleep study. A sleep study might uncover the reason for your insomnia.

It is not easy for me to determine “what’s wrong.” I only have a limited amount of information. Your lack of sleep is likely contributing to your psychiatric symptoms. Insufficient sleep can lead to irritability and moodiness. In extreme cases sleep deprivation can cause paranoia, delusions and hallucinations. You might greatly benefit from a sleep medication. Please discuss this possibility with your psychiatrist. Lunesta and Ambien are two popular medications. They might provide relief.

I hope you’re able to get the help that you desire. Please take care. I wish you the best.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Help me help my brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, i have a brother who often gets depressed to the extremes when he sees other people from school he knows who have girlfriends and are in groups because he has no friends and has some social concerns. He is a junior in high school and im his younger brother. I feel like it is my job always to watch him and make sure he is okay. He is not one who you can sit down and have a talk without swearing and arguments. He is very difficult.

Recently we have recieved help and he has been taking vitamin d which has helped very little. He never drinks milk or orange juice or any calcium rich foods.

It often depresses me to see him so sad. I feel like i dont have an opinion, i must always agree with him to keep him happy and i do not want to. He has no job and no drivers license, he always is very health concerned though, he doesnt want to drive because fear of an accident, he wants to get a physical. He is somewhat over weight.

This has started happening since early january during winter. He has never once before this been depressed. He had no care for friends or anything. For instance yesterday was his confirmation at church and of course you have to walk infront of the whole church filled with people from school, he seemed okay till after when he started going off. He said he didnt want to be around us, he even called the bishop a piece of work! I know he cant help it but i want help, he has a psychologist he is working with but what medication and things we can do get rid of this fog that is blocking my familys happiness. Please help because i NEED it!

Your brother is a lucky man to have such a concerned younger brother. I can tell it pains you deeply to see him so lonely and upset but it’s also getting to you. You were right to ask for some help.

My best suggestion is that you talk to your parents. If you haven’t already done so, let them know how much your brother’s state is hurting you. You wrote a very thoughtful and articulate letter. If you can’t bring yourself to tell your folks, ask them to read your letter and this response. I think it would be helpful for you all to ask for a family consultation with your brother’s psychologist. His depression is affecting your whole family. You could all probably use some support as well as some guidance about how best to be helpful. As part of that meeting, you could discuss what treatment options (like medication) could be explored that might move things along. The psychologist will need your brother’s permission and, hopefully, his participation to make this happen. If your brother won’t consent to a family meeting, consider asking for a referral to a family therapist who can help the family learn ways to avoid getting caught up in his illness as well as ways to help him.

Another resource for you and your family is NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness. There is a chapter in your city. NAMI offers support groups and resources (both in person and online) to families and friends of the mentally ill. It’s often a relief for people to talk with other families who are going through the same kinds of things. People share resources, give each other affirmation and suggestions, and are there for each other through the tough times and the successes.

I’m very glad you wrote to us. There is help available. You and your parents don’t have to figure this out all on your own.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed, ADHD, Self-Injury And No One Will Listen

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hello, I am a 16 year old Sophomore in high school. For the past 5 years I have struggled with addiction to self injury, depression and ADHD. My parents refuse too believe anything is wrong with me and every day scream at me and break things as well as insult me about how useless I am and how I am always ruining their lives! My friends all say that I’m amazing and such a good friend but I have a hard time believing them when my OWN parents seem to hate me…My grades have gotten a lot worse because my parents deny that I am ADHD even though my doctor has said I need therapy and medication.

I failed three of my classes and the fights and insults got worse, my parents took away nearly everything I had and I almost committed suicide twice, My doctor finally told my mother I NEED to get therapy so she did reluctant, and told me the entire way about what a failure I am.

I went to therapy for about 3 months and stopped, my therapist was ignorant and treated me like a little kid. She blew off how I was upset about my parents and my hair falling out due too PCOS and being diabetic. I hate my parents but I love them at the same time… they always yell at me and get angry and things I don’t do and forget… I have ADHD and it’s not my fault! but they just yell a me about how I use it as a crutch. Right now I am not allowed to go out with friends and am constantly threatened that if I don’t start getting straight A’s they will take away my desktop and my books… I’m scared because I just keep hating myself even more! I can’t sleep at night and I can’t concentrate in school, I keep having mental break downs and freaking out and am nearly ready to start cutting again because it makes me feel amazing, I’m scared but my parents don’t care! I’m tired of working my butt off just to get yelled at and I really don’t know what to do anymore…. My school even won’t do anything when I talked to my teachers, I am really lost.

Thanks for reaching out for help to figure out how to manage your feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and stop your self-destructive behavior. It’s not uncommon for adolescents to love and hate their parents at the same time when they feel invalidated or misunderstood. It sounds like you and your parents aren’t sure how to help you.ย  My guess is that they’re very scared and are trying to motivate you by grounding you from friends and threatening to take away privileges, which in turn makes you feel punished and hopeless.

Don’t let the fact thatย you didn’t connect with your therapist before discourage you from seeking therapy again.ย  If you don’t want to go back to the therapist you’ve seen previously, ask your mom, your physician, or a school counselor to help you find another therapist who you feel more comfortable with. Self-injury, suicide attempts and failing grades are all signs that you need professional help as soon as possible. Please don’t wait. To find specific therapists in your area, please click the Find Help link at the top of this page.

In addition to individual therapy, I highly recommend family therapy. Your family can learn new ways of relating with each other and dealing with conflict, and healthier ways to manage emotions. The therapist can also help your parents learn options to support and motivate you other than putdowns and punishments, and can help you understand and express your deeper feelings and needs to your parents in a way that your parents are more likely to hear.

It sounds like you’re trying to tell your parents, through your symptoms, that you’re in a lot of emotional pain, and instead of hearing your pain they’re seeing your choices as “bad behavior” instead of as a desperate cry for help. A family therapist can help you and your parents understand what’s going on below the surface for you, and help you understand your parents’ fears and intentions. The fact that your mom was willing to take you to therapy before is a sign that she recognizes that therapy can be valuable, and that is a good sign. Please talk to her and get the help you need as soon as possible.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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