New in town Archives

From a woman in the UK: Hi, I moved to London from Berlin 9 months ago because I was bored in my old life and like London better than Berlin. In my new job, I’ve been feeling very attracted to a colleague which I told him after 5 months of low-key flirting in the office. We talked a lot that night. He said he doesn’t want a relationship since we’re too different in his opinion (and that’s probably true).

I was hoping he would change his mind and we had a one-night stand even though he tried to talk me out of it first because he knew I feel more and didn’t want to hurt me. After not really talking much in the next two months afterwards (he was reserved) he suddenly started flirting with me again, wanted sex. I had been thinking a lot about him, still being very distracted at work. He wasn’t aware how draining the situation had been for me and after explaining to him how hurt I was and that I can’t sleep with him again I suddenly changed my mind because I see him at work anyway and thought we could then at least enjoy the sex.

It’s been six weeks now that we’ve spent quite a lot of time together, during lunch breaks and especially on weekends. I’ve been going through a rough time (stress at work, with my flatmates and frequently getting ill due to all that stress) and he’s always been there for me, made an effort to see me. He messages me every day and cares a lot about me but sometimes he’s a bit more withdrawn. He said he’s sometimes confused and doesn’t know what he wants but doesn’t want to hurt me.

I realised how deep my feelings are for him, how much I want him to be happy and said to him I love him which he couldn’t return (and I knew that but said it anyway).A few days ago I had lots of stress at work and I became very anxious. My performance is suffering from my thoughts about him so we had a chat and he said he likes me a lot and has some feelings for me plus feels very attracted to me BUT hasn’t fallen in love with me. It doesn’t make sense to me because for me this is all connected. How is that possible?

Thank you for writing. This sounds very painful. But it also sounds to me like he just isn’t into you the way you want him to be. He sounds like a decent guy who has tried to be helpful but who has also been clear from the start that he doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere.

I have a guess that transplanting yourself to a new country and a new job has been more stressful than you want to admit to yourself. You mentioned that you have had some difficulties with flatmates and on the job. Focusing on this relationship does let you distance yourself from the many ways the move has been difficult. Adapting to all the the cultural differences, and being lonely while finding new friends, is challenging to anyone who is starting a new life in a new place.

I think you should take a big step back from this relationship. Accept it for what it is — a good and supportive friendship. Stop having sex with this guy because it confuses you. Instead, do the personal work you need to do to adjust to your new situation.

Make friends. Figure out how to get along with your flatmates or make a change in your living situation. Work hard on the job. Get involved in some activity or sport where you will meet people who share your interests. Most important, make yourself available for someone who can return your love as you want and deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

From the U.S.: I moved to a new state about 5 months ago. I now live in a very small, very rural area, 9 hours from my nearest family member. Today is my birthday and I spent most of the day on my couch alone. The rest was spent shoveling my deck. No one made any effort to spend time with me today.

I had a phone call from my parents and then one from my brother, and birthday posts on Facebook from people I haven’t talked to in who knows how long. I felt so alone. I see all these people online going out with family and friends for their birthdays, and all I wanted was for someone to show they cared that I’m alive. Instead I got quick, obligatory birthday wishes and no attention given to the fact that I am completely alone.

I got locked out of my house just a couple nights ago and had to walk into town to find someone to help. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I didn’t know anyone’s number, and today just solidified this feeling of absolute isolation. I spend everyday of my life caring for people, all I want is to have someone in my life who genuinely cares about me too. I just want someone who would inconvenience themselves just one to show me that I matter, and that I am cared for.

I know my parents love me, but they live half way across the country and it’s different than having a friend or SO. I’ve never had a single friendship where someone cared enough to know who I am. It is better to be loved and unknown than known and unloved, but worst of all is to bel unknown and unloved.

I’m so sorry that you feel so alone. At first, I thought that you are experiencing a normal adjustment to moving so far away from family and friends. But then you said that you have never had the kind of friends you long for. That suggests a much more serious and long-term problem.

You indicated in your personal information that you are in grad school. It’s a concern to me that after a whole semester, you don’t know anyone well enough to call them and don’t have anyone’s phone number. Chances are that at least some of your classmates are as new to your new community as you are. Usually the members of a class reach out to each other. If you were seeing me for therapy, I’d be asking you to look at what you have done to initiate contact with others and how you have responded to others’ attempts to know you.

You won’t find friends or love by wishing for them. My guess is that you need to take a new look at how you are interacting with others and what you can do to invite others to be your friends. It could be that you aren’t aware of your part in your isolation. If you understood it, you would be taking steps to change it. For that reason, I suggest you make an appointment with a mental health counselor who can help you figure that out.

I hope you will follow through and make that appointment. A counselor will be a caring person in your life while you work on developing a natural support system.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

New in town

When Is It Love?

Birthday Blues