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Should I Take Antidepressants?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I could write about my problems for days, however I’ll sum it up for you so that you hopefully can help me. I’ve felt depressed for so long that I have completely changed. I feel like I am two different people. Let me explain.

Before I started becoming depressed, I was so full of life, I was so energetic, and I had a lot of self esteem. I had so many friends and people wanted to hang out with me all the time! There was a friend who always asked my help for “social” stuff. I was always very optimistic. I rarely had a negative thought!

Now I’ll explain the “new” me. I’m by myself most of the day. I have only one friend that calls me, and that only happens occasionally. I have to always call people up to hang out, yet I can’t be in huge groups or I just break down. I’m very quiet now, and its hard to relate to people. There’s barely a point to go out anymore. I’m very pessimistic. I only see negative side to things! Even my teachers at school say I’m hard on myself!

I have to walk constantly! This is the way I’ve been able to cope with (what I think is) depression. I don’t get happy after walking, but it helps me get through the day. I took all my friends for granted, and now I know exactly what it feels like to be a complete loner.

I can act happy at any given time. I don’t want to be a downer around people, so I’ve learned how to do it. However, this isn’t how I want the rest of my life to be. I need help! At this time, I will do anything to get back how I used to be!

I was wondering if you think I should take antidepressants. I’ve tried so many different options. I want to be happy. I can’t take this anymore. Please help me find my old self. Thanks!

If I had the opportunity to talk to you in person, I would inquire about what has happened in your life. You were happy before and now are depressed. At some point, apparently there was a change. Did something negative happen? Did something recently change in your life? Answers to these and similar questions might help to uncover the source of your depression.

Your question is whether or not you should try antidepressants. The answer will depend on many variables. It would be advantageous to be evaluated by a mental health professional. The purpose of an evaluation would be to assess your symptoms and to determine if you do in fact have depression. Once you had received objective feedback about your situation, you would be in a better position to choose the most appropriate treatment.

It is currently believed that a combination of psychotherapy and antidepressant medication is the most comprehensive treatment for depression. This combination, however, is not effective for everyone. Some individuals respond better to medication only. Some prefer psychotherapy. If you had tried psychotherapy and found it to be ineffective, I would encourage you to keep trying. Oftentimes it can some time to find the right therapist but finding one could make a major, positive difference in your life. If you decide to try medication, I would recommend working with a child/adolescent psychiatrist who is specially trained to treat depression in adolescents.

You exercise to feel better. Although it does not eliminate your feelings of depression it to some degree improves your mood. For the time being, it is a good coping mechanism. It provides emotional relief and it is a healthy activity. You may also want to try walking with a friend or family member. I understand that you are struggling with social interaction but you should resist the urge to isolate yourself. Social isolation might make your depression symptoms worse.

I would also recommend consulting your parents about the possibility of taking antidepressants. They may have important feedback or advice for you. They may be able to help you with this problem. It might also be helpful if you read more about antidepressants and their side effects. Knowing more information about a potential treatment can help you to make the most informed decision.

Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

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Boyfriend and I Disagree on More Kids

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend has a child from a previous marriage. Well ive been feeling like “my clock is ticking” i know im only 22 but i cant stop thinking about having a baby. I dont know how to talk about it with my boyfriend and when i try he doesnt understand where im coming from and he says “i already have one” and it hurts my feelings cause its like hes saying “well i have one and u dont and too bad for u” and he says he wants more kids but when hes ready and then sometimes he say if i got pregnant it wouldnt be a problem and he wouldnt care cause he wants to have a baby with me and it will be just sooner rather than later. It confuses me. So how do i bring up the subject and see if he would rather have one now than later since he says it wouldnt be a problem anyways?

You don’t bring it up. Neither one of you is ready to have a baby. Your focus should be on each other and making your relationship as deep and solid as you can. Babies need to have parents who are fully committed to making a life together. Nowhere in your letter do you mention such a commitment or marriage.

At 22, your biological clock for bearing children is certainly not ticking. I have a guess that the talk about babies is more about wanting to pull your boyfriend closer to you. He does have a big commitment elsewhere. His other child will always be his first one. He will always have responsibilities toward that child. You can’t compete with that and you shouldn’t.

At some point, you will also be one of the adults in that child’s life. She or he will be spending time with the two of you and there will be times when you will effectively be a co-parent. It’s important for you to embrace that as an opportunity to love and make a difference in another young person’s life. Your relationship with the child and with your boyfriend, and your success as a parent to your own biological child will be affected by how you manage it.

When your boyfriend says he already has one, it is probably his way of telling you that he isn’t ready to add emotional and financial responsibility for another child to his life at this point. You should be in full support of his involvement and financial support of the child he already has. How he manages those obligations will be reflected in how he handles parenting a child you eventually have together.

Unlike your boyfriend, I don’t have trouble telling you that a pregnancy at this point is a very big problem. It’s unfair to your boyfriend, to your future child, and to yourself. You have more growing to do before you can be the kind of mother every child deserves.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Always Going To Be Single?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I cried in church today during the baptism of a baby. It’s like all of the loneliness and insecurities inside of me came to the surface when I saw the happy parents and their adorable child in this joyous moment. Because I am so afraid I am never going to have the opportunity to experience this. That I will not find someone to spend the rest of my life with – and in enough time to have a child.

You see, my clock is ticking. I am 38 years old and I don’t have a boyfriend. And I have never even had a real long-term relationship. So, I feel like there is something really wrong with me. All my friends are married and I feel so left out and alone when we get together as a group. Especially since one of them just found out that she is pregnant. Even though I love children and am really happy for her, I know my feelings are going to be bittersweet when her baby comes.

The older I get, the weirder I feel about not having ever been in a LTR. And it doesn’t help that some guys that I have dated have actually said that they think it’s really strange that I haven’t been in one. So, it makes me not want to talk about it, even though my friends say it’s nothing to be ashamed of – that it’s better to have not been in a relationship than to have been in a bad one (like a lot of them have).

I don’t even know why I haven’t been in anything long-lasting. It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up in a really dysfunctional household (with emotional and physical abuse). So, I moved out when I was 18 years old and started working right away as a matter of necessity. I never went to college so I didn’t have that opportunity for dating exposure.

Also, when I was growing up, the way that I handled my lack of control in my house is with my food. So, I ended up becoming bulimic and depressed. When I moved out of that toxic situation my emotional state improved and I wasn’t depressed any more. But I still didn’t have a healthy relationship with food. Since I associated being thin with being unhappy (like I was during my teenage years), I turned to food for comfort and ended up gaining a huge amount of weight. So, I am sure that didn’t help with my dating prospects either.

But, a couple of years ago, I decided (mainly for health reasons) to shed the weight. And I lost 70 pounds (which I am very proud of). But yet I still haven’t found that special someone, even though I thought that the weight was what was holding me back. And it’s not for lack of trying. I have done the whole on-line dating thing. Plus, I am very active with church and other social activities – I am always out and about doing things that I enjoy. I have always figured that meeting the right person would just happen during the natural course of life. But, this hasn’t happened and I am starting to get scared that I will never find anyone – and that I will always be alone.

Plus, as I get older I feel less desirable. I have stretch marks from all of the weight that I lost and my breasts are sagging as a result – not to mention my gray hair. Also, I had surgery this past year to remove some endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. And my doctor said that I might not be able to have children without assistance (such as IVF) since one of my fallopian tubes is twisted/clogged up. So, on top of everything else, a guy might not be able to even have a kid with me since I could possibly be barren.

I definitely have some self-image problems, but I am trying to work on those. It’s hard, though, because I grew up with a mom who made me feel like I wasn’t attractive – she never complimented my physical appearance, but yet would rant and rave about how beautiful other people were. And she told me that “people like us” had to work on being better in other areas, since we couldn’t rely on our looks.

One thing I am confident about, though, is my personality. I have a good sense of humor and am a loyal and caring friend. So, I know that I would bring a lot to a relationship with the right man. And I would expect the same qualities from him in return. I just haven’t met the person who I have this balance with yet.

I can’t talk to my friends about my fears because when I have in the past, they have discounted them. They think I am the lucky one being single since I don’t have to deal with a demanding husband, difficult in-laws, etc. They say that I should just enjoy my single life while I can and that I am over-thinking the situation – that when I least expect it the right guy will come along.

But, what if he doesn’t? I am starting to lose faith that this will happen and feel like I have no control over it. No matter how I try to live my life and be happy, this fear is lurking in the back of my mind.

So, please help me figure out how to tackle this sense of hopelessness when it comes to finding a long-term partner. Because I don’t want to keep having these huge waves of sadness whenever the thought pops up of possibly being alone forever…

First of all it is not only normal but healthy to have the desires that you have. You learn relationship skills or the lack there of from your parents as you grow up. Are you lacking in your relationship skills? Probably. Do you have a self image problem? Probably. Do you control your physical appearance as a reaction to your psychological state? Probably.

Here is my recommendation to you. Continue to seek out a relationship. Utilize all of the online dating services available to you. Begin counseling. Should a relationship begin with someone make sure that you are discussing this relationship and critiquing your behavior in that relationship as a central point in your therapy. Physical attraction is a part of most relationships, in fact the vast majority.

Who knows why or how we are attracted to another person but still we are. It is important in the initial attraction phase and is also important throughout the duration of the relationship. I have spent many hours listening to clients complain about how their partner has “let themselves go.” It is the changeable things that they complain about, not those that come from accident or the aging process. People can’t understand why their partner would choose to look less good than they could. I have rarely heard someone complain about their significant other’s wrinkles or missing toes or facial scar. I have instead heard them complain about gray hair that could be colored or weight that could be lost or clothes that could be more fashionable, etc.

I tell you this to let you know how people think. When you are looking for someone to date, realize how people think. I think they will see you much more positively if they think that you are the kind of person who tries to look their best. The opposite would be for them to think that you are the kind of person who really doesn’t care how they look or dress. It isn’t so much how you look but more so whether or not you care to present your best appearance. That is what seems to matter to them. So, with that in mind, do your best to present a good appearance. Aren’t we all being judged by others as we walk down the hallway of any mall?

You will be similarly judged by those who are attracted enough to you, to ask you for a date. What I am saying applies equally to men and women. Be well groomed. Present a good appearance. The fact that you care will have a positive impact on how others perceive you psychologically. People do care about what is inside you but sometimes their impression of the inside comes from their observations of the outside. No one can truly see inside you, so they do their best to guess from the clues that they can perceive. Let’s work on finding that relationship. It’s right for most people and it’s right for you. Take care.

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How Do I Make My Family Understand My Depression?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

They think it can go away over night. I am currently 18 years of age and have been suffering from depression since I was 9. For years I wasn’t aware of my depression but since it’s gotten worse it’s pretty clear that I am suffering from it. So far it has stopped me from living a normal life, I never go out. I’d rather stay in my room away from everyone, even my own family but now it’s starting to bother them. I know they want to help me and they’re trying to get me started in life by getting me a job but I just feel like they’re pushing me. You see, they’ve gotten me a job in a pub and I only work on Fridays but it’s completely out of my comfort zone, I’m no where near ready for something like this and it’s just adding pressure but my family don’t seem to understand that. They say that only I can help myself get better but I know I can’t do it on my own. I haven’t even been to seen a doctor yet so I haven’t been officially diagnosed with depression but I took an online test that said I have major depression and so I told my mum about it but she just seems to ignore it, thinking it will go away over night. This is really frustrating me, I can’t get the help I need and I’m just getting pushed into a life which I’m not ready for yet, I feel completely useless and pathetic. So far I’ve only refused to go to work, it’s just too much to handle and all I get is shouted at which only makes me feel worse. What do I say to my family to make them understand what I’m going through?

You could try having a serious, heart-to-heart conversation with your parents. If that is not an option, then consider writing them a detailed letter about how you’re feeling. Writing a letter gives you an opportunity to thoroughly explain your experience with depression. It would help to include a statement regarding the seriousness of depression and that excellent treatments are available.

You may want to consider giving them this letter and my response. It might convince them that you could benefit from professional help.

Your parents seem as though they are trying to “push” you out of your depression. They may believe that forcing you out of your “comfort zone” will help you to overcome your symptoms. On one hand, their strategy may not be totally off base. You have gotten to the point where you don’t like leaving your room. Limiting your activities to only those that are within your “comfort zone” reduces your anxiety but it reinforces your fears. Avoiding uncomfortable activities makes your symptoms worse.

On the other hand, their attempts at helping are causing you significant distress and it does not seem to be working. It is also driving you away from them rather than bringing you closer.

Professional help from a mental health professional is what is needed in this situation. Ask your parents if they would be willing to take you to a therapist. A therapist can assist both you and your family in understanding and correcting this situation. Individual therapy and family therapy may both be helpful. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Black Sheep of the Family

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Not that it really matters but I am starting to feel like a outcast in my family and I am the eldest child out of my other siblings. I feel that my parents have picked out their favorites and have sorta left me to the slaughter. I come from a good family and I am a good person have really done no wrong to no one just typical things that people do in life.

I don’t go around my family as much as I use to I can count on one hand how many times I visited my parents this year alone and we do reside in the same state. I do feel bad about this at times however I’ve come to realize that less time with family means less pain for me. I hate how I’m treated!!! I am just a no one to them, my mother calls me sometimes but not the way she calls my sisters, its like she has to force herself to call me. I am a good person!! Why cant they love me like they love and treat my other siblings? I just want to fit in I want to feel right. Will I always feel like the black sheep or be treated as such because I am not as bright/smart as the others?

I am currently on zoloft generic brand but I don’t feel its working I’m thinking of getting on the brand name zoloft because the generic brand may not be working for me. Is there a difference?

It is unfortunate that your family treats you badly but there may be little that you can do to change this. It might be best to continue to limit your interaction with them.

If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know if you ever discussed your feelings with your family. If not, one option might be to tell them how you feel. They may not be aware of how you feel. Perhaps bringing it to their attention might help. If you don’t feel comfortable having an in-person discussion with them, consider writing them a detailed letter.

An important part of human development is becoming your own person. For some people, this can mean estrangement from their families. That can be an undesirable path but in some cases it is necessary for healthy psychological development.

It is important that you do not misinterpret the meaning behind your family’s actions toward you. In other words, the way they treat you is not a reflection of you. Rather, it is a reflection of them and the psychological problems that they may have. Their unresolved psychological problems might prohibit them from fully appreciating you or may limit their ability to express their feelings.

With regard to your medication, there could be a difference between the generic version of Zoloft and the name brand. Consult your doctor for further details. Switching medications might improve your symptoms.

If you continue to struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend consulting a therapist. A therapist could assist you in facilitating a discussion with your family. A therapist could also help you to navigate your family situation. Take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Trust My Boyfriend?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend kissed another girl in the beginning of our relationship and now i don’t trust him. My boyfriend is a sweet guy. He loves me very much and everyone around us says that its very clear he’s crazy about me. This would be a perfect fairytale if the following wasn’t looming over our relationship: we had sex the very first time we got together at a party in. After that we had sex more often, but he refused to call it dating, or a relationship. This bothered me very much because i really liked him and was interested in more than just sex. Then out of the blue a girl we both knew from uni came up to me and confessed she had kissed him 3 months later. At that time we still were not officially dating, so technically he wasn’t my boyfriend. But it hurt my feelings deeply, and i told him to stay away from me. But he didn’t give up and started perusing me until i talked to him. He showed me that he was very sorry about what he did, and that he didn’t even wanted me to forgive him fully but just to be friends. I forgave him, even tried to make excuses for why he would do such a thing, and we became friends. This friendship turned over Christmas into a relationship. Finally we were official. But I’m not sure i really ever forgave him, because it always plays in the back of my mind that he kissed another girl in a stage of the relationship that he should be crazy about me and not caring about other women. And now, 3 months later, he wants to go on a trip to a far country with this girl from his class for a project. Her mother will go with them because she’s involved in the project, but this girl is extraordinary beautiful. So I have 3 questions: 1. should i let go of the kissing another girl thing because we were technically not together yet, or should i worry that he could do it again? 2. Is my anxiety about this trip justified because he has proven his potential to cheat? 3. What is the best way to behave in this situation?

If I had the opportunity to speak with you in person I’d want to know how long the entire relationship has lasted. I’d also want to know how he “pursued” you to try to get you to forgive him for kissing another girl. Also, what now makes the relationship “official?” Does “official” mean he is willing to see you exclusively? Does it mean that you are a couple? These and other questions would be helpful to have answers to.

Early in the relationship the two of you were having sex but apparently there was a misunderstanding on your part. From your perspective you thought the two of you had more than a sexual relationship. The proof is that you were upset and bothered by the fact that he did not call you on a regular basis. You apparently thought it was more than “sex only.” Your expectations were unrealistic. From his perspective he might have thought since you and he were only engaged in a “sex-only” relationship that it was okay to kiss another girl. Technically in this situation, as you noted, he was not cheating because the two of you were not “official.” Having sex does not equate to a relationship.

I should also note that this situation is unfortunately common among women. They have sex with a man after a relatively short period of time and then are upset when he doesn’t call regularly or does not take their “relationship” more seriously. The truth is that in many cases if sex takes place it was only sex and no real relationship has begun. Some women do not realize this and then are disappointed when the “relationship” does not develop in the manner they think it should. I mention this because it is important to be realistic. Sometimes sex is just sex. If you want more than a “sex-only” connection with someone then it’s best not to begin a potential relationship with sex. It’s better to establish a relationship first and then consider sex later. Doing it this way may weed out the people who only want to use you for sex and have no interest in establishing a relationship with you.

I cannot predict whether your boyfriend will cheat while he is away. At the time that he kissed another girl you and he were not “official.” As I mentioned above, when you and he first met there was a misunderstanding on your part about the status of the relationship. Now that your relationship status is clear (i.e. you and he are “official”) you might have to be less concerned about him cheating. Remember technically when he kissed another girl it was not cheating since you and he were not yet an established couple.

Is your anxiety justified? That is a difficult question to answer. I’d need to know more detailed information about the relationship to determine whether you should be concerned about his behavior on the trip. I’d also need to know other information such as how the long two of you have been “officially” a couple to gauge his potential for cheating. Generally speaking, not many people would be comfortable with the idea of their significant other on a trip with another person. In this situation it may be reasonable and justified to be slightly anxious about their trip together.

As for how you should behave in this situation, generally speaking you should act rationally. You might want to find out whether you could go on the trip too. Does he have to go? You mentioned that another person was attending the trip and I am wondering if that is the only other person going. If you can’t go then that is fine too. Ask him to call you daily. On the phone act as you normally would. Give him the “benefit of the doubt” unless you have reason to suspect otherwise. That may be all that you can do. Thanks for your question.

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