Tag:

pain

Friend is Plotting to Murder Ex

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 5th, 2023

Hi my friend was convicted of a sex crime at age 21. He says he never did it and the girl lied because he would not date her. He has dealt with it for years and has always said one day he would get her back for lying on him. The only thing that kept him in check was his family and he knew they relied on him for all the financial support. Its the only thing that kept him from seeking revenge on the girl.

Well he lost his job and his wife ended up with a job making way more than he ever has and they are very financially stable now. However he tells me he sits around all day thinking about how to kill her and her family and plotting it out and he can help but to have these thoughts. His reason for not getting his revenge is gone now.

I don’t know how to help him. He gets up in the morning and he is normal. By noon he is online plotting her death. At night he is in panic mode trying to figure out a way to stop his self. I really feel he is going to end up snapping one day soon and getting his revenge by killing the girl and hes going to destroy his life and never seeing his kids again.

Im not sure what kind of disorder you call this but he is in pain 24/7. I see him crying one second and laughing the next. Ive been his friend since 2nd grade. what should I do?

Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. You are very right to be concerned. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of your letter but I can tell you that what you wrote suggests that losing his job and losing his sense that he was needed has put him over the edge. It’s possible that he is struggling with a depression with psychotic features. He needs more than your friendship. He needs to be evaluated by a professional mental health worker (psychologist) ASAP. Enlist his wife as a partner. She deserves to know what is going on. Make some calls and find a therapist or crisis team that will be willing to see him. Then do your best to get him there.

It probably won’t work to try to talk him out of his anger. It’s almost impossible to reason someone out of thinking that is so unreasonable. But maybe you can appeal to his sense of responsibility. You and his wife can remind him it won’t do his children any good to have their father in prison and to be the children of a murderer. Tell him that there are other ways for him to gain closure from what was a devastating experience for him. Murdering someone will only backfire on his family. Offer to drive him to the appointment and even to go with him if it will help him follow through.

If you aren’t successful, you and his wife should talk to the crisis team in your area and ask for advice about whether there are legal steps you can and should take to make sure both his ex and he stay safe.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 5, 2023 0 comment

I make my parents cry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 30th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I am a 16 years old boy, and attending my second last year of school. Time management has always been a problem for me, but my grades never showed this as I was gifted as a student. Things started changing at the beginning of the year, my grades were dropping because I was not putting in the effort. I used to play games, and this may have contributed somewhat.

I know my parents love me, and they do their best to help me, but recently they have become increasingly frustrated and annoyed with me. It seems I have pushed them to their limits to love me. My mom has now started ignoring me, and my dad recently got a job out of town, so he’s not here most of the time. My mom doesn’t want to talk to me, as she says everything I say is a lie to try and please people, and that all I ever do is be “Mr. Nice Guy”. Once she even said that I have lost my soul.

I have made both my parents cry numerous times, and I feel numb to all the pain and suffering I am causing. I would lock myself in my room for days, and just sleep. I haven’t been to school for the past week, just sleeping and playing games, which today I deleted off my computer.

I feel that if I don’t do something to change soon, i will regret it for the rest of my life, as this is a crucial time now: these marks start counting towards my end result.
I have thought about ending my life at times, and that just makes me cry, I would never do it. I write all over my school books that I’m a failure, and I believe it. But I know I must change, this just isn’t me.

Please help me, I don’t know who I am anymore or where to turn for help. I am spiraling down into a pit that has no joy or happiness left in it. I feel that everything I do is fake, and I am just living as a shell with no purpose. Please help me.

Okay then. Your letter is the first step in reclaiming yourself and turning your life around. Actually, the first step was deleting the games from the computer. So you’re really on step 2. Now let’s get to steps 3 and beyond. . .

Sometimes students act like this because they are so afraid of failing that it’s better to not even try. If you don’t try, you can always tell yourself that you could do well if you only make the effort. It’s a tactic that may save your dignity but it does so at the price of your future. I think you can do better than that.

Another possibility is that you really are depressed and need some focused help to get out of the depression.

It sounds to me that your parents are just as frustrated with you as you are. They are suffering from their own problems and don’t know what to do to help you with yours. Parents who cry are parents who care — deeply — but you know that. Since they don’t know how to help, it’s time you found someone who does.

Please consider talking to a school counselor or your doctor or someone else you trust about how to go about getting an evaluation from a mental health counselor. You’re stuck. If you knew what to do, I think you would have done it long ago. You strike me as a smart, decent guy who is as mystified by his own behavior as his parents are. A counselor will help you understand why you are so self-defeating and will teach you some strategies for getting back to the business of realizing your potential. A counselor can also provide much needed support for your whole family if you are willing to have some family sessions. Since you and your folks do care about each other so much, it would probably be a great relief for you all to learn how to be more supportive of one another.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 30, 2022 0 comment

Friends: Don’t Have Any, Don’t Want Any

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 16th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been rejected by peers from as early as junior kindergarten. It was not so much bullying as rejection (i.e: I had only 1 friend up until gr.7 or 8, & mostly just got shunned or talked about behind my back). It’s been a continuing trend in my life, but I am just wondering if it is a normal reaction to not care (aside from feeling angry when I think about my past).

Specifically, what I mean is that I do not really care to have meaningful social interactions with other people. I view it as a hassle. Being friends with someone just means you have to deal with all the related complexities of the relationship. From my point of view, relationships simply complicate life. I don’t really see the point. People just aren’t worth the time. When I do make a friend, I tend to sort of drift away after a while. For instance, it would be weird having the same friend for more than a couple of years. I start resenting having them.

Yet, it seems that most people who don’t have friends DO want friends…and it causes them emotional pain/discontent etc that they don’t have friends. But I’m the opposite, I don’t care to have friends. I think that it’s a defence mechanism I built up. Do you think that it’s possible that it is a numbness to the social rejection I experienced as a child? If not, any general ideas as to what else could be triggering it (and is it normal to feel the way I do)? And is it even possible to shake oneself out of this kind of apathy? I have next to no motivation to do so. Also, is it really that detrimental to not want to bother with people on a personal level? I’m fine with casual aquaintances, like the people I work with. But I don’t really want anything more than that. And I’m also an introvert by nature.

I know I’ve asked a lot of questions, but I’d appreciate any insight.

Thanks

Thank you for writing. It’s certainly possible that you are right that you built a defense mechanism in response to early rejection. There’s an old expression: “You can’t fire me. I quit.” It’s possible that you protected yourself from rejection by deciding that you didn’t care about acceptance. This isn’t to say that you consciously made up your mind to give up on people. Little kids don’t function that way. But they do learn to stay away from what hurts them. What makes me very, very sad in your story is that no adult recognized the problem or protected or helped you. No little kid should be subjected to that kind of cruelty. No little kid should be left to figure it out on their own.

No. It’s not “normal” to be a complete social isolate. People tend to be pack animals. They need others around them to survive and thrive. It’s not necessary to have a huge circle of friends to be okay. Some people are fine with only a couple of close, intimate friends. Introverts are as okay as extroverts. I would just hate to have you go through life without the support, warmth, and mutual trust of real friendships. Yes, you really would be missing something.

You say you have next to no motivation to change. You didn’t say you have none. I suggest you use whatever little motivation you have to explore your feelings about this issue in the safety and acceptance that therapy can offer. A therapist won’t try to talk you into being different. But he or she will help you take a new look at your early experience as well as your present life. Together you’ll decide if you have some goals around relating people that you want to work on.

You didn’t get the help you needed as a child. Your adult self can make sure you get some support and guidance now. I hope you will give yourself that opportunity.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 16, 2022 0 comment

Like Causing Others Emotional Pain, Like Receiving Physical Pain

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 12th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As you can read from the title, I like causing others emotional pain. Especially boys. I like stringing them along, making them think I like or love them, just to completely stop talking to them, or just to tell them that I don’t. Everytime I meet a guy I just think about If I could play with them the way I wanted to. To have them on their knees for me. As you can also tell by the title, I like receiving physical pain. I think it’s totally great when someone pucnhes me in the face, or just leaves bruises. I especially like the pain the day after. when the bruise is visable, and you don’t feel the direct pain anymore and just that faint pain, that you can still feel that you’ve been hit. It’s nice to me. But i don’t have a kink. neither am I into BDSM. I personally think BDSM is disgusting, and I would never, ever try it. I don’t like pain when it comes to sex. BDSM is a big no to me. And I want to make that clear because alot of people tell me, my liking to pain is a kink. I think about a year ago I was diagnosed with depression. I had therapy. I am not depressed anymore, I am empty. I don’t have any feelings other than anger. I also feel very annoyed and bored all the time. And my family now thinks I’m insane. So I want to know, which personality disorder I might have? if I have one?

Diagnoses are best determined by having an in-person evaluation, by a mental health professional. It’s something you should consider, especially because of your anger. Occasional anger is normal but constant anger is not.

You also expressed a desire to control and or harm others. These types of fantasies can arise when people lack power and control over their own lives. Feeling helpless often breeds fantasies of power and dominance.

If I were interviewing you, I would want to know about what has happened in your life that has led to your feelings and fantasies. Has there been trauma and abuse?

Your desire to hurt others or to be harmed is unusual and is probably linked to your anger. When these feelings arise, you should not indulge them. Nothing good can come from your harming people or your attempting to be harmed by others.

You mentioned a diagnosis of depression which means that you have interacted with mental health professionals. If you’re not already in counseling, you should try it. It would help you to understand your feelings but more importantly, how to overcome them and improve the quality of your life. Angry people are not happy people. Therefore changes are necessary; help is necessary.

All of these issues can be addressed in counseling. Ask your parents to assist you in seeking professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 12, 2022 0 comment

My Boyfriend May Have a Personality Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 8th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I recently began dating a male who I believe may have a certain type of personality disorder. I’ve done as much research as I can and think it may be something along the lines of Pathological Lying or Pseudologia Fantastica. I also believe that Facitious Disorder may also be a possible diagnosis. He is currently 27 years old.

As far as family history goes, this individual had a mother who was a heroin Addict and was diagnosed as a Sociopath. As a child, he was exposed to drugs, pills, watched his own mother do heroin, was taken to crack houses by his father and was physically abused by his father. His mother abandoned his family at an early age. He claims to have had dyslexia as a child but says his father refused to recognize it. He has a poor relationship with his father now. He claims to hardly “feel pain” and that pain killers “don’t work for him.” His medical history seems to be extremely lengthy. Claiming to have split his head open twice and broken and fractured multiple limbs. He was diagnosed with depression at one point and was prescribed the drug Trazodone. He says he does not like doctors and seems to be extremely knowledgeable when it comes to medical information. He does not like doctors and seems to enjoy proving them wrong. He has a history of sleep walking/irregular sleeping patterns and says he was discharged from the military for it. He also claimed to have had an irregular heartbeat but no diagnosis of an actual disorder or disease has ever been mentioned. He has the tendency to repeat certain stories.
All this aside, he is still extremely intelligent, polite and quite put together. He is very rational and kind.

It wasn’t until recently that I began feeling as though something wasn’t making sense. Am I wrong? How should I approach him? Is there a way to help him?

You suspect that he may be lying or that he has a psychological disorder but nothing you have written would indicate that either of these are true. Do you suspect that what he has told you is not true? What aspects of his behavior make you think that he has a factitious disorder?

You stated that you and he have only recently begun dating. If you believe that he has serious psychological problems and is a pathological liar, then it would be in your best interest to end this relationship immediately. If an individual is unwell, then it will be difficult for them to maintain a healthy, functional relationship.

Also, it would be inadvisable to approach him about these issues, especially if you hardly know him. It’s difficult to anticipate his reaction. He might be angry or offended. You don’t want to put yourself in danger. Nor do you want to hurt his feelings.

Without more information about why you believe these things to be true about your partner, it is difficult to give you advice. If you would like to write back and provide more information I may be able to give you a more complete answer. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

November 8, 2022 0 comment

I feel like I am losing my mind

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 23rd, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ever since i can remember I have always been an angry person. I snap at my mom for stupid things(to the point where i’m screaming at her for nothing, and i know its wrong when im doing it but i do it anyways)and i over analyize EVERYTHING. If you were to meet me you would think that I didn’t have a care in the world. I work in retail and i have been called “fun, bubbily, always happy*, adorable” etc. I feel like i have this act at my job where i just don’t want them to see my angry side, so i don’t show it to them. The only people i actually release all of my anger towards is my mom, sister, and my boyfriend.

The one place i am never angry is my other job at a daycare. I work with kids and no matter how stressed out i am, or how many bad things i’m dealing with at the time, i never feel anger towards them. I have about 4 close friends, and I would consider myself to be a VERY loyal friend. However, i am very clingy and i do not like to be by myself. If i am alone i feel like a loser and unless i am watching tv or unless i am occupied by something else, i will just sit there and think of how insane i am. I am constantly giving my friends advice, and i would consider myself very insightful and i am VERY good at reading people; however, when it coems to my own life, i feel like i am not in control and that i am constantly making bad decisions.

When i am not in control of something, i feel extremely anxious and angry. I am very good at talking to people and I appear to be very confident. However, that is not the case at all. People who know me well would say that i have anger problems. I am insecure to the point where i am CONSTANTLY thinking bad things about myself (like how i’m insane, or evil). I have been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years. I am only 18 and i have never been without my boyfriend. He has cheated on me multiple times and i still go back to him. In a way, I almost feel worthless without him. I feel like if i’m not with him then he will move on and be happy and no one else will ever want to be with me because i’m a bad person.

I have been to multiple therapists and many of them blamed my obessive thinking on the fact that my parents divorced when i was only 3 years old. It enraged me to hear that (because i am perfectly happy with my living situation, with my mom) but as the years go by, i have started to think that because i don’t have a strong male role model in my life that that is the reason why i am so extremly dependant on my boyfriend. I am very jealous and i always think of things in a negative way. For example, i am going away with my friends for new years, and as soon as i found out my boyfriend was going and staying in a different hotel i automatically think that hes going to have sex with another girl, or that he’ll ruin my trip somehow. It’s like i get these messed up thoughts, and it’s like subconciously i want them to happen so i can be right; and when these terrible thoughts do happen,

i have many suicidal thoughts and I become extremely depressed. I think about killing myself at least once a day. I know that i will never follow through with it, but sometimes i am just so down on myself i feel like i don’t even want to be me anymore.

I have been a marijuana user for about 4 years now. Within the past 2 years, i have smoked weed every day. Within the last 6 months or so, i started “sketching” really badly. I am always very anxious when i smoke weed, especially when i am alone. I often think that there are ghosts in my room, or i think that there is someone in my house. Every single night i will smoke a bowl in my room, and just sit there and think about how messed up i am and how everyone would think i am crazy if they knew my thoughts. I cannot stop smoking weed. Even though it makes me think messed up thoughts sometimes, it occasionally makes me feel normal because my state of mind is altered and i am not myself for an hour or so.

Another thing that has been an issue for me for YEARS now would be my phobia of someone coming into my house. Every night before i go to bed i think that there is someone in my house and i think that they are going to kill me or kidnap me. It doesnt mater if i check my whole house, or lock my bedroom door, i still think that someone is going to kill me and TONIGHT is going to be the night that i die. I’m also very scared when it comes to driving. I do not drive, and when i am with my friends, i constnatly think about how they are going so fast and i always think we are going to get into an accident. I have a lot of trouble concentarting, and even when it comes to something simple (like readinga book for school), i will pick the book up and start to cry because i am so frusterated and don’t want to do it. I am not a stupid person, and when i was in highschool if i were to actually do an assignment, i would get around a 90%. But most of the time i woudlnt even bother handing it in because i am afaird of failure. I also think that i always have something wrong with me (like a sickness) and my mom often calls me a “hypochondriac.”

To conclude, i know that i have problems. Sometimes i feel like i overanalyze my thoughts so much and that is why i think i’m crazy. Often people tell me i just need to “chill” but i feel like i cant. I don’t know what to do 🙁

Oh my. That’s quite a long list. No wonder you’re constantly upset. Let’s see if maybe I can give you a little direction. I suspect the therapists you saw were trying to tell you something a bit more complicated than that it’s all the fault of your parents’ divorce. That’s rarely the case. What may be the case is that you are a person with an exceptionally sensitive temperament and people didn’t understand at the time of the divorce that you needed more help coping with the changes in your life. You may have mistakenly believed on some level that the divorce was partly your fault. You may have felt your dad’s departure more profoundly than most kids would. All of this mixed together could be the basis for the development of borderline personality disorder. Look up the traits of the disorder and see if it fits.

On the other hand, you’ve been smoking weed continuously for a number of years. The amount and frequency are well beyond occasional recreational use. You have a serious psychological addiction. It’s a truism in my field that people who use at the level you are often become developmentally “stuck” at the age they were when they started using heavily. So here you are at 18, uncertain of yourself, caught up in high drama, and having tantrums – just like a 14- or 15-year-old kid. It’s no wonder you feel out of step with your peers.

All of this is to say that you’re right. You do need help. And you need more help than a letter can give you. You absolutely have to stop smoking weed. You absolutely have to get involved in some kind of therapy to deal with the pain that is inevitably going to erupt once you take off the blanket of smoke. At 18, it’s definitely time for you to stop taking your troubles out on other people and start taking care of yourself.

The very good news in your letter is that you have a lot going for you – if you would only learn to use it. You’re a good, caring worker. You do have some friends. People like you. And you have a good intuitive sense of other people. That’s an amazing amount of pluses. So — put down the bowl and take up the project of becoming the adult you can be. Get the professional help you need and stick with it long enough so that it sticks. You’re worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 23, 2022 0 comment

Wife Is Having Emotional Affair

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 2nd, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Here’s my story: Married for 12 years with two beautiful children. During their upbringing, the wife and I grew distant of each other. She began to treat me badly with little respect and I began to emotional disconnect with her and stopped providing the emotional loving support that she needs. Looking back – we both were at fault!

Her solution was to start an emotional affair with an old boyfriend – it may have started with a sexual encounter but that’s not been confirmed. This lasted for 3 years and she continued to lie to me about it even though I knew the truth. This obviously affected my ability to reconnect to her emotionally. We have discussed this issue over the 3 years never getting to the root cause of her having an emotional affair. Her mindset is, “if I don’t get it from him, I’ll get it from someone else”. After time, she realized that she couldn’t take this affair any further and it began to slow down.

Then she was introduced to social networking and hooked up with another man from her past – and has started another emotional affair – this one is much more serious where they have told each other that they love each other and are trying to make plans to be together in the future – he’s married with children too. I found out about this affair and have confronted her with this. During these discussions, she FINALLY confirmed that she had an emotional affair #1 – something I knew all along. And insists that this is harmless. I however know better and have stumbled on to detailed information that prove this emotional affair is even more serious than the first. She claims to have broken it off completely, but I know for sure that they are still carrying on behind my back – she is now lying to me every day.

She is attempting to work with me to “fix” our marriage, but this to me is just to serve her guilt of what she’s doing. It’s hard to take anything she says or does seriously, since she is constantly lying to me and carrying on with this other man.

They are close to taking this emotional affair to the next level – meeting in person. I’m at the end of my rope – I’m trying to fight for my wife – but am questioning whether I’m wasting my time. She’s done this twice – what’s to prevent her from doing it again and again. I think she needs help but don’t understand what’s going on inside her head.

I need help – I need to understand what she is going through and is this worth saving our marriage, or is she beyond saving. Just let her go and be with the other man and let her become his problem.

The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

Counseling can solve great problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach your partner morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong; according to every major religious doctrine that I am aware of.

You mention that her cheating is “emotional” and perhaps also sexual. She explains to you that emotional cheating is not really cheating. Love is emotion, perhaps the most powerful and meaningful of all emotions. When she turned to another man for her emotional needs, she invalidated the totality of her marriage to you. A marriage is based on love and trust and the most sincere belief that your partner will protect you from pain. Your partner has inflicted pain with a callous regard for your feelings and safety and overall well being.

She has purchased her happiness at the cost of your suffering. She plans to leave you and is making plans to do so. Does she care how this will upset your life or hurt you? You ask her to be honest with you. Why, because you would like to be prepared for your future. You would like to minimize the pain that potentially lies ahead. She continues to lie to you so that she will still have you if her affair doesn’t work out or her new man decides he doesn’t want her. You are her insurance.

What bothers me the most is her constant lying to you. She has found lying to be a functional part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship. Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about your self. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours. She is not ready to leave you because she has yet to find someone who will accept her. I’m sure you are a convenient baby sitter and help pay the bills. You have proof that she is planning or at least attempting to leave you. Is your relationship over? It has been over for many years, even before her affairs.

She is insensitive to your well being. She doesn’t care if she lies or cheats and is anxiously attempting to find your replacement.

I can understand that she is unhappy in her marriage. I can understand that she wants more. I would agree that she should have a good strong marriage. I can not accept her belief that these things are accessible through lies and deception. I would say instead that theses things can never be acquired through lies. The only things acquired through deception and cheating is the illusion of that which she seeks.

The decision is yours. Good luck.

October 2, 2022 0 comment

Hearing Voices and Losing Focus

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 5th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I can’t function when this happens. I recently failed out of college, and ever since, I am not sure I am okay. I keep “checking out”, as in I suddenly will lose my ability to focus on anything, my brain gets very foggy/tired, and I will lose a lot of muscle tension and not be able to hold anything or stand up very straight. A couple nights ago, I was crying very hard and in a lot of pain, when I heard Hound speak up. (Hound is an internal voice in my head. He started as an imaginary friend and just took on a life of his own. I don’t mind him; he never threatens me, makes demands of me, etc.) He said “Shhhh. You’re okay. I’m going to take care of it.” and I “checked out” into that foggy state; I stopped feeling anything and went limp. This isn’t the first time Hound has told me that he is the reason behind my dissociation (if that’s the right word).

This morning, after I woke up, I closed my eyes again and relaxed. I wasn’t quite awake, but I wasn’t asleep either. I heard another voice, a very cranky old woman who was berating me. Then another one, a little kid. Then another kid, and a teenager, all talking about different things. I saw myself in a room full of silhouettes, the voices. Then I heard a familiar English accent; it was Hound. I called out to him, and he picked me up and carried me out of the room, locking the door behind us. He apologized, saying he was sorry and that I wasn’t supposed to see that yet. The impression I got was that the voices lived in my head, and he was hiding them from me.

Between that and my constant checking out, I’m beginning to worry about myself. I feel like I am losing my mind one piece at a time, and it’s starting to greatly interfere with daily life. If I check out, I can no longer even hold a conversation. I would really like to seek some help, but I don’t want to ask my parents to pay for therapy if I don’t really need it. That is especially since I failed out of school; they are not exactly happy with me.

You did not detail what led to your problems at school. I suspect that your failing at school and your latest symptoms might be related. Both are signs of a potential problem. To address your question directly, you need to be evaluated by a mental health professional.

It is unusual to hear voices and to be “checking out.” Hearing voices might be indicative of psychosis. Psychosis is a break from reality. Psychotic breaks can be stopped if caught early. Medication can disrupt psychosis and restore the mind to healthy psychological functioning. The importance of early treatment of psychosis cannot be overstated.

Psychosis is a possibility but so might be a neurological problem. Brain tumors, cysts, drug usage, alcohol withdrawal, and so forth, can cause psychosis-like symptoms.

Your mental health and perhaps your physical health are being compromised. Don’t ignore your symptoms. As you noted, they are greatly interfering with your life. It is imperative that you undergo a psychiatric evaluation as soon as possible. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 5, 2022 0 comment

Should I See a Specialist?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 31st, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Okay, I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve had some kind of psychological disorder for almost three years now, since I was 16. I haven’t been to a specialist as such because mental disorders aren’t something I can explain to my parents. Although now, I am looking at visiting one just to be sure. I just want to know what you guys think.

I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression. These have varied extremely over the years. When I was around 16, they were incredible and unbearable, almost always following each other. At that point in my life, I was also very depressed and felt caged, thought I was bipolar. As I grew, they became more tangible and I was able to deal with them better after I’d left home and gone to college at the age of 18. I still feel them, and I feel as though I have no control over them, even as I try to emotionally streamline myself now. I used to feel desperation but lately I’ve grown very numb and my states oscillate between being incredibly euphoric or into plain nothingness, or pointlessness. My drive for life constantly fluctuates.

I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies, that are recurrent even now. These tendencies however are mostly passive and I wouldn’t act on them. The need to self harm varies on the level of depression I feel.

I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression. I feel alone and helpless and sometimes wake up in panic in the middle of the night unable to control it.

I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite which are recurrent throughout ever 2 months nearly also accompanied by complete normal states

My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks. I do feel normal for periods in between, which can last even up to a couple weeks. When I feel normal, I feel fine and wonderful (not euphoric)

I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt. I could feel worthless and dejected and then bounce to feeling invincible and wonderful. These feelings of low self worth have changed over the last month after I confronted my father about some underlying issues, and discovered the meaninglessness of life. I don’t think they are gone but rather that they are deeply imbedded but I don’t care about them anymore

I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months, but this may also be due to the numbness I feel towards these issues. I have recently gone through some relationship troubles. I have very evident trust issues and do not trust nearly anyone.

Despite all of this, most days I am able to function properly and I am actually quite happy. I tend to become socially reclusive at times and this leads to either peaceful solitude or depression. At college, I have a bit of a reputation to be crazy and insane.

I feel reckless and impulsive at times. It makes me feel alive. I crave this feeling.

I have a horrible attention span. I can’t watch television shows and until recently found it really hard to finish a book (I used to be an avid reader when I was younger). I feel as though my thoughts are racing at times.

The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted. I do not let myself get close to people often, I think it may be because of abandonment fears. My relationships are quite stable even if my feelings towards a person may change continuously.

I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily. I have been told continuously that I have a talent for empathy and understanding. I am aware of my emotional power over people and know I can get what I want out of them, but sometimes it happens unconsciously. Regardless, I actually do care about these people and have very strong morals when it comes to keeping their secrets. I do not use them.

I do not feel needy and clingy most of the time, but there are moments in between. I used to feel empty a lot. Now, I feel nothing or empowered.

I have a family history of depression, my cousin is diagnosed with it, and my aunt was.

There are times when I am very irritable and other times when my love for people and the world in general is undoubtable.

I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time. I got over it almost completely during the last 2 months. I also think I am numb to feeling that way now, I can’t even imagine it.

I deal with being alone really well. Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I enjoy solitude. Now and then, usually after some kind of trigger, I feel dejected.

I do not crave love or worldly attachments as far as I can understand. I crave passion and my common state is being fine and in love with the world and all of its mysteries

I used to be very sure this was borderline PD, but after looking through cyclothymia, I feel like this could be more apt as I do not feel empty or unloved or needy anymore and have states of being normal in between. Your thoughts?

I think you should go see that specialist. From your letter, I can’t tell if you are just a very passionate, sensitive teen who has been learning to manage her own feelings over the last few years or if there is something amiss.

People normally have highs and lows. The greatest artists and thinkers tend to experience them more intensely. Good therapists tune in to others and are able to still keep themselves in balance. Is that you? Or are you out of control? A counselor will be able to help you decide.

I do worry about the tendency these days to pathologize almost any feelings that are above or below neutral. It’s as if we’re all expected to be driving a car at one moderate speed all the time, regardless of the circumstances — never fast, never slow. It would be boring and at times dangerous. It’s more sensible to learn to drive the car (or your feelings) according to the situation.

So I think you should get your question settled so you can relax about yourself. A mental health counselor will be able to hear your entire story and discuss your history thoroughly with you. A good place to start would be with your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 31, 2022 0 comment

Losing Hope

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 5th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve suffered from major depression and chronic insomnia my entire life. What kept me going was the milestones and going through the motions. Even when it was at its worst I would make myself believe that it would get better after high school, that it would get better after college, that it would get better after I got my first job, etc. I’m running out of milestones and it’s been getting worse. I had to quit my job because I was constantly falling into major crying spells while at work. I can’t seem to do anything to distract myself anymore and have become entirely unmotivated and feel like I’ve pretty much given up.

I’ve seen countless therapists and am currently in psychotherapy twice a week in addition to being medicated. What makes it worse is that I have a great family, parents who I know love me and would do anything for me. I feel so guilty that I can’t get better. I know how much they worry about me and I see how painful it is for them that I can’t shake this, and that there’s nothing they can do to make it better. I’ve alienated all of my friends (never had many) but it was my decision. The one friend I did sincerely care about has grown distant from me and who can blame him? I wouldn’t want to be around me either. Whenever I’m around people all I think about is how much I want to be alone so I could just cry in peace. I can’t even listen to people talk to me because I feel so awful all the time.

I often fantasize about dying or how I would kill myself. I used to think I would never kill myself because I couldn’t put my mother through that, it would destroy her. But lately it really seems like this is how it’s going to be forever and I have no reason to think differently. No matter how hard I’ve tried and gone through the motions and worked hard and pretended things were alright nothing has ever felt any better.

I’m in a lot of pain and at this point hearing people tell me “you can take control of your life, this is in your hands” infuriates me because it’s not in my hands. I would do anything for one day of happiness, to have this pain stop. Over the past few months it’s become increasingly difficult for me to talk to people. I find it hard to raise my voice loud enough so someone wouldn’t have to really concentrate on hearing me.

Really I don’t know what options I have left. I’ve tried a slew of antidepressants, I’ve tried various kinds of therapy, none of which have yielded any results.

I don’t want to give up but things just aren’t getting better. My depression started when I was in 3rd grade (I became very withdrawn and disinterested in academics, a social life, hobbies, and anything else). And it’s been about 16 painful years of my life.

I’m angry that this happened to me. I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this. I know life isn’t always fair, but for me it seems that it never is. I’m angry I can’t sleep at night like other people can. I’m just angry, and sad, and depressed, and losing hope. If you have any advice for me, anything at all, please…

I understand that you are ready to give up on life but please reconsider. I have witnessed many people who have wanted to end their lives but who were able to recover from their chronic depression. There is hope for you too.

I would strongly encourage you to read the New York Times article about individuals who attempted suicide and survived. The individuals featured in the article, like you, were at the point of no hope. They too believed that they could not continue living when they felt so much grief. They never thought that their lives would improve which lead them to attempt suicide. What is so remarkable about their stories is that they were thankful that they lived. Logically, you’d think that they’d be upset that they survived since their intention was to die. That was not the case. In addition, because they survived, many of them felt obligated to try to stop others from considering suicide.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, shared a similar view of suicide. Like the individuals featured in the New York Times article, Dr. Frankl’s patients repeatedly told him how happy they were that they did not successfully end their lives. This seems to be a pattern.

Dr. Frankl also noticed that depressed people held the opinion that their lives were not going to improve. In fact, they were certain of it. This view did not square with logic. His work with suicide survivors showed that very often it turned out that there was a solution to the patient’s problem. There was not always an immediate solution but eventually their problems were solved. Their lives did improve. “Who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later?,” he’d often ask his patients. I hope you will consider this very question because it is a good one. Yes, things are not going well for you at this time but how can you be certain that in the future your life will not improve? The answer is you cannot know. “You have to survive in order to see that day dawn.”

You are assuming the worst outcome but you should also consider the fact that you may not be thinking clearly. Your judgment may be clouded by your depression. In fact, you share the same opinion that many of Dr. Frankl’s patients did. They were certain that their life would always be terrible but that was not true. Their judgment was incorrect. They were wrong. Why were they wrong? They were wrong because they were suffering from depression. They were close to losing their lives due to an error in judgment. Luckily, they averted tragedy.

Dr. Frankl also noticed, that among the individuals who suffered from depression, they lacked meaning and purpose in their lives. In other words, they had nothing to live for. Frederick Nietzsche, a 19th century German philosopher, may have also had a similar view when he said “he who has a why to live for can bear with any how.”

Three ways Dr. Frankl believes that an individual can create meaning and purpose in their life include: (1) helping others, (2) finding love (being loved or loving someone else) and (3) turning personal tragedy into triumph. The latter may be the most plausible in your situation because you’ve been suffering for many years. Maybe your suffering can be turned into something positive.

The aforementioned ways to improve your life should be attempted under the supervision of a mental health professional. I understand that you’ve been to many therapists and have also tried many different medications but I don’t think you should give up. Don’t stop trying until this problem is solved. Remission is possible but it’s going to require that you continue the effort to receive help. I know it is a difficult thing but this is your life and no one else can do it for you. There is a solution to your depression but it has yet to be uncovered.

Please consider returning to a therapist. The right therapist can make all the difference. I am not suggesting that therapy is the one and only way to recover from depression but if you were able to find a competent and seasoned therapist it could change your life dramatically. I hope you realize that there is hope for you.

If you are considering suicide then I strongly advise you to go to an emergency room immediately or to call 911. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Call that number if you are feeling upset or overwhelmed.

Thank you for your question. Please write back if you have any further questions. I wish you the best of luck.

August 5, 2022 0 comment

Depressed & Confused About What Is Real

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 3rd, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how can I explain everything, I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I am diagnosed as bipolar. I am medicated and I tend to be like accelerated most of the time. I don’t think I get depressed as much as before, but is very deep and out of sudden. For example, yesterday I was fine in the morning, it was a good day (normal), when I got home to have lunch, I felt so empty, like my essence was drained, I stayed in bed all afternoon, couldn’t eat, speak, anything, not even drinking water, I just stared the ceiling in silence, and sometimes I cried, no real reason.

I wrote to my psychiatrist and she suggested me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. I won’t be hospitalized again, I mean, I have no money now, and if I do it my family would be so mad and then they don’t talk to me, and everything gets harder. So, today I just breathe and left the bed. I can’t talk, eat, or drink water yet. I am following my routine, but with sadness and feeling my lips sealed. I don’t think in suicide, not like I wan’t to die, ’cause I don’t, but I walk in the street and feel so much pain, and then I think if I shoot my head (or something there are many ideas) this pain will end, and never return. And then I try to think something else, my plans, something happy, but I can’t feel it, I just feel and see pain and confusion.

And then I think, that my psych says I am bipolar, but there are voices, I usually have voices, just I have learned how to live with them, like not answer to them in public, and mostly they are nice to me, and give me peace, but then they say I am not human, all this sh.. is because I’m not human, and I am like enlightened and I have to do stuff, to save other dimensions and help nature, and they are stuff that si nice, but now they talked to me again and put images on my head, of myself destroying cars, and streets. I said I could’t do it alone, and they say they’ll do their part, dunno, a lot of stuff. And is easy when you have images in your head about stuff is gonna happen, but you don’t have to do anything. ‘Cause then I just have to wait and see, but now I have to act. And when they are talking, when God talks to me, I don’t doubt, just know have to wait for the signal.

And later, I’m not sure what to believe, I don’t know if I am meant to help clean the world and do what God says, if I am enlightened and like a “special being,” with super perception and can talks to the universe. Or I am sick, I don’t feel sick, but I have read enough to know sometimes bipolars does’t feel they are sick. I never feel sick, I’m not sure I am sick, and i was diagnosed long time ago. like 10 years i believe. And is hard ’cause mi mom thinks I’m like a seer or a witch, and my med thinks I am sick, and my dad thinks I need to go to AA, ’cause is just my emotions in disorder, but I usually don’t have many emotions. And I never know what to believe, and I’m old enough to know, but I don’t.

Sometimes I think I should talk to someone, but I can’t, I can write it, I write to my psychiatrist but don’t see her cause she is out of the country for a year or so. And sometimes I used to talk to her, but nobody else. I really don’t trust in people I know, so I don’t talk about myself, or give my opinion, I mean I know I love my family, so I have a good relationship with them, but I don’t trust them. And is worse with people I don’t know, I can’t even say hi to them, i move my hand or smile, but it takes months of seeing a person, every day to say hi. So I don’t know how can I help myself if I can’t talk. And my head is getting so confusing I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for bothering, and I hope it wasn’t very confusing what I write, sorry again but I don’t feel very clear. I would really appreciate some advice, right now i am a little desperate.

Thank you very much for you time.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult to feel as though you have no one to trust, to confide in or to assist you with these issues. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but she’s out of the country. Being so far away, it would be very difficult for her to effectively help you.

At this point, your symptoms are unstable. You are hearing voices and are having difficulty distinguishing reality from non-reality. The voices are giving you messages, essentially commanding you to behave in a particular way. It is abnormal to believe that you are receiving such messages and commands. Those are signs of psychological instability.

As difficult as it may be, I would strongly advise you to see a mental health professional. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in Mexico so I cannot provide specific recommendations for how to access help. Generally, you should contact a mental health professional. Report your symptoms to the mental health professional. Even if the prospect of meeting with a mental health professional frightens you, do it anyway. Your feelings of fear may be very real but you can override that fear with action.

At this time, your judgment may be impaired. For that reason, you should not ignore your symptoms and assume that you are okay. Your symptoms may fluctuate in severity from day to day but generally they are not likely to improve on their own. Your symptoms require treatment which may include medication or psychotherapy. I hope that you are able to acquire the proper assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 3, 2022 0 comment

Always Expect to be Left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 27th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 27, 2022 0 comment

Ex Has a New Baby With Another Girl

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 14th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My ex is having a baby with someone else after just one month of ending our relationship. I’ve been having a very difficult time dealing with this. When me and my ex-boyfriend broke up we tried to be friends and hang out from time to time one day out of know where he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore he didn’t give me a clear explanation he just told me he didn’t want me to start to cling to him again. We haven’t spoken since. Later I found out the girl was pregnant at that same particular time and he had made her his girlfriend. I guess she was a rebound gone wrong and he is just taking responsibility for his actions but it still hurts.

I try to avoid my ex but I still see him all the time with his new pregnant girlfriend and we don’t say anything to each other. He completely ignores. Out of this entire situation what has hurt me the most has been his indifference towards me. So nonchalantly he pushed me away from his life like I never mattered. He ignore me like he never knew me. Its hard because not to long ago he was my boyfriend and now were strangers. I feel I might need some closure to tell him how I feel about how things have played out after our break up but I wouldn’t know how to start or what to say or even if he would care to listen. Some of my friends have advice me not to talk to him about my feelings and just try to let it go. I’m full of anger and hurt. I feel like he never cared about me, how did he replaced me so fast and erased me from his life. I don’t know how to get this all off my chest. How can I deal with my unresolved feelings and move on with my life?

There may be no easy way “to get over” the hurt you feel about of your ex. As time passes you will be less emotionally affected by the breakup. There is research that shows that generally by the third month, people feel as though they can “move on.”

What might help you in the meantime is to realize the truth of what may have happened. Your ex, in a very short time after breaking it off with you, had no problem entering into a new relationship with another female. What this may mean is that he was not invested in the relationship. The evidence is that after having just broken up he completely ignores you and shows a marked indifference towards you.

You also said he “nonchalantly pushed you out of his life as though you never mattered.” This is also very telling. This further suggests that he wasn’t very engaged in the relationship. If he were then he would too be struggling with the breakup. He does not appear to be. What’s the difference between you and he in this instance? You care and he doesn’t. The fact is that if he truly cared about you, then he would not have “nonchalantly pushed you out of this life.” The only way an individual could end a relationship and not care is not to have cared in the first place.

If that was your relationship with him – you cared and he didn’t – then it was better to have it ended.

There is another way to explain your ex’s behavior. He may have impregnated the other female and broke up with you because of the pregnancy. It’s also possible that he had been cheating on you with her and had to end the relationship with you when he learned she was pregnant.

You may never learn the specific reason why he broke up with you but what you can gauge from his actions, especially the indifference towards you, is that at least by the end of the relationship, he no longer cared.

I hope it’s evident that a person who could leave you so easily (as though you “never mattered”) is not someone you should waste your time and energy on.

I know you’re hurting now and you don’t necessarily want to wait to feel better. It’s not easy to endure emotional pain. For some people it can be almost unbearable. You will likely find however that the hurt you feel will lessen with time.

It does get better. I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for writing.

May 14, 2022 0 comment

How Do I Adjust to Chronic Pain?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 16th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was injured in a back country horse back riding incident in October of 2009. I fractured my pelvis on both sides. I went from being very active to living in pain until recently. I found out that a have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction and Piriformis Syndrome. I am now on Gabapentin and taking a round of steroids which seem to be helping I will also be starting physical therapy next week however I have suffered with this for over 3 years and have felt some depression and sadness over the time. I have had trouble adjusting to my limitations. I have guilt feelings due to my inability to work and help pay my share of the household bills. My son, his wife and 4 children live with us. I try to do my part by keeping the house clean cooking and taking care of the children ages 16, 12, 11, and 7. Yes they pay their part. How can I overcome my sadness in trying to adjust to this?

You are asking a great deal of yourself. Of course you have some depression. Chronic pain and the limitations that come with it will do that to a person. I’m impressed that you are engaged in your treatment and that you continue, rightfully, to be hopeful.

I worry that your guilt over being currently disabled is making you push yourself too hard. The body needs rest in between therapy treatments to heal. Do confer with your physical therapist about how much stress you should be putting on your body while you recover.

I do hope that your adult son, his wife and his kids are pitching in with the cooking and cleaning. You shouldn’t expect yourself to be the resident homemaker because you aren’t working for money right now – nor should they all expect you to be. It’s part of being a family to help each other out during challenging times. You would do as much for them. It’s healthy for kids to have regular chores and to have to do some extra tasks when someone is hurt or ill. It teaches them compassion and it prepares them to be competent adults. Even the 7-year-old can contribute by helping to set and clear the table and by making her or his own bed. It would be a positive role model for the kids for your son to do some of the cooking and cleaning. Young people now expect both genders to have homemaking skills.

You can make an equal contribution by reading to the little one and perhaps helping to oversee homework for the others. Giving the kids individual attention is just as important as cleaning house.

You’ve got a big family. As my grandmother used to say, “Many hands make light work.” Your focus needs to be on getting better, both physically and emotionally.

I wish you well in your healing.
Dr. Marie

April 16, 2022 0 comment

Trouble with letting go of my girlfriend’s sexual past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 18th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, I am a student who goes to Texas A and M University and I met the most amazing woman of my dreams about 7 months ago. She is everything that I could want in a wife, but she has a past that I have been struggling with ever since we started dating when she told me everything. I know I was meant to love this woman, but I am tired of her past still bothering me. It is not fair to my girlfriend or myself for her past always bothering me.

Her father left her mother once her mother became pregnant with my girlfriend, so she(my girlfriend) didn’t have a father for the first 9 years of her life until her mother married her current father. Also, she was sexually molested by her grandfather constantly from 4 to 6 years of age. Once she became a teenager, she was in 3 different relationships with guys who she gave oral sex to many times because she wanted to feel loved. She never felt truly loved as a child and I know that some of these later actions may have been caused by her difficult childhood without a father. Finally, she got into a fourth relationship with a guy who was not a very good guy at all. My girlfriend later found out that he had had sex with 32 previous women. Anyways, she gave him oral sex as well, but he kept asking her to have sexual intercourse, so she finally gave in and lost her virginity to him. Once they began having sex, she took plan B on two different occasions because their condom had broken. Consequently, she got on a birth control pill. She finally broke up with him, and I finally met her through church. She never felt loved, but always felt used in these relationships. I know all she wanted was to be loved, so that is why she did all these sexual things with these men. They would ask her for oral sex, and she would give it to them because that is what she thought was expected of her, and she didn’t know she was better than that. She told me everything before we became a couple, but I still can’t help but think about her past sexual relationships with other men. She has told me over and over how sorry she is for what she has done, and we both feel like we will become married one day. I truly do love this woman with all of my heart and soul! It just kills me and hurts my heart knowing that several other men have USED my future wife for their sexual pleasure in a way that I cannot stop visualizing in my head. Her future husband should be the only man who shares such intimate sexual experiences with her, no one else. I truly feel like I have forgiven her, but I can’t stop being bothered by three things:
1:She isn’t a virgin (and I am, so I can’t ever be her first)

2:She will always have those many sexual experiences and memories of other men no matter how much we love one another, and I am worried that it will always bother me that she knows several other men besides me, in such a sexual way.(and those other men will always have the memories of her giving them oral sex) I should be the only one who knows her in that way…

3:I feel like I have loved my future wife (whoever she may be) my entire life by remaining chaste for her, while if we do end up getting married, I will feel like she didn’t love me before meeting me since she did not remain chaste for me. I feel that one of the reasons I have such a tough time with her sexual past is the fact that I do not have a sexual past at all. My girlfriend is the only woman that I have loved. She will be all of my first and last sexual experiences, but I will not be any of her first sexual experiences.

My questions are,
1. What can I do to “get over” my girlfriends past with other men to stop my pain?
2. How can I begin to not think about or imagine what my girlfriend did sexually for those other men?
3. Is there something I can do to help me accept that she will always have those many sexual memories and experiences with those other men?
p.s. I truly do know I was meant to marry this women, so breaking up is not an option. I was meant to give her the love she has never had in her life, and I am sorry this was so long but this has been bottled up inside of me for so long, I need some help. I have talked to her about all of this a few times before, but it always hurts her to know I am hurting because of her sexual past. I am tired of bringing it up to her since it hurts her so much. Anything you can tell me is helpful. Thank you so much!

A: You are missing the most important point. Your girlfriend has never, ever had sex as an expression of mutual love. The sexual experiences she had were merely physical. In many ways, she wasn’t really even there at all. In order to tolerate what was happening to her, she had to emotionally check out. With you, she’s found someone who can love her and cherish her and who she can love and cherish in return. Tender, loving sex is as much a new experience for her as it is for you. In that sense, you are both “virgins.” You can show her something she only dreamed about in the past: that she can trust the man she loves to be as concerned about her needs as his own. So – please. Stop making a past unpleasant physical activity a barrier between you. That’s like holding it against her for being forced to do hard physical labor and pretend she liked it. Love each other. Enjoy each other. And make romantic sexual memories of your own — memories you will both want to remember.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 18, 2022 0 comment

Is My Brother Psychotic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 15th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve talked with my younger brother recently ( he’s 19 ) and he has been telling me some issues that are going on in his head and then there are things I notice him do to. He always checks multiple times that everything is secure ( car, house lock, etc. ). Sometimes he randomly clenches his fist or does some weird movement with his arm as if venting anger waves. He is super down to earth and loves chatting up with random strangers, but his anger is a ticking time bomb. Things he has told me he does ( when no one’s home ) are talking to himself carrying on a two way conversation ( acting is a passion of his ), he’ll run around the house pretending he’s doing different things, and sometimes just spends a full hour or two doing nothing but walking around the house picking up things at times then putting them down and he hates how he does it but it’s just natural for him ( always daydreaming ). If he doesn’t have a hard days work he has insomnia symptoms. One serious issue is when he was younger he made up an imaginary younger brother, gave him a “life” / characteristics and even told friends about him. Eventually he “died” by murder of some enemies, and my brother actually would cry about it and feel pain + tell the story. Currently he has an imaginary boyfriend. To sum it up into my conclusion, he lives in a Fantasy world part time and reality the other. He also has Extremely unusual thoughts / fears and tells me he only is able to tell me this because it has been getting worse and worse every year since he was younger ( we had heavy financial issues, and he went to 4 Elementary schools, 2 middle, and 6 high schools. ). He tells me he feels disturbed and is scared that he will randomly snap and lose control mentally, but he tells me he would never want to kill someone innocent. He is extremely intelligent, optimistic, tenacious, and hard working he feels like a psychotic mess. Any idea what he is coming down with?

Your brother’s symptoms are concerning but without meeting him in person, I can’t identify a specific diagnosis. Over the Internet, it’s impossible to diagnose psychological conditions.

He checks multiple items to ensure that “everything is secure.” How often does this occur? If he checked his car and house locks once, or even several times a day, that would be normal. If he checked them 30 times a day, that would be abnormal and potentially a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m not sure I fully understand what you mean when you say that he randomly clenches his fists and moves his arms as if he is “venting anger waves.” Perhaps that is his way of physically expressing his overwhelming feelings of anger and rage.

His insomnia, his realization that his symptoms are worsening, and his belief that he is “disturbed and scared that he will randomly snap and lose control,” are all deeply concerning. Those may be signs of psychosis but he might be simply on the verge of losing control, perhaps due to anger and rage.

Determining the reason why he’s about to lose control is less important than preventing a violent incident. What matters most, at this point in time, is that he receives immediate help.

Your brother has told you that he fears that he may lose control. That means he’s on the verge of potentially harming someone and legitimately fears that it will happen. This is a warning sign. He is asking for help.

If he’s willing to be evaluated by a mental health professional, then take him immediately. He should also be evaluated by a physician to rule out a physical cause.

If you believe that he may be in imminent danger of hurting himself or someone else, then take him to a hospital or call 911. They can protect your brother from harming himself or someone else. Don’t hesitate to call the authorities if necessary. The best option may be to call the local mental health crisis team. They can come to the home, assess his behavior and determine the appropriate course of treatment.

Please be safe and don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 15, 2022 0 comment

Depressed but Haven’t Sought Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 12th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Okay so for as long as I can remember I’ve had times we’re I would be really depressed sometimes. It started to become noticeable with my parents that I would ditch my friends and stay home and sleep. But I am not always that depressed, sometimes I like to go out and have fun with the few friends I do have, the thing is when I do go out we usually drink and it seems I can’t drink without getting so trashed I Black out every time. I even got dropped off passed out a few times and puked all over myself. Every time this happens I wake up feeling 10x more depressed than the last time, I feel worthless and sorry for myself and I really try not to. I had to take off of a semester of school and lost my job because I cursed out my manager when I was angry ( really stupid of me) and that was 3 months ago. Up until about 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t be caught going out, I would stay home and cry and even thought about suicide but I called a hotline after my mom threatened to take me to a hospital.

There are days I love to write and I am working on a story, some weeks I write chapters and I even stay up all night to finish them, and sometimes I don’t do any writing for weeks, it’s like my mind is on overload with doing everything a few weeks at a time to suddenly just laying in bed and generally being SAD and I just want to be happy. I’ve gained 20 pounds in 2 years and I am disgusted wit myself, I don’t even believe it when people tell me I’m beautiful.

Okay, all in all I just want to know if this is all normal, sorry for the long story this is pretty much the short version.

It’s unusual to have such great fluctuation in mood. It’s also outside the realm of normal to be considering suicide. Your mother was so concerned about your behavior that she threatened to take you to a hospital. Had she carried out her threat, it’s possible that you would’ve been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility.

Also concerning is the fact that you drink until you black out. The drinking leads to a significant increase in your depression. Alcohol is a nervous system depressant which may in part explain the elevated level of depression after drinking. The drinking and depression has negatively affected your social, educational and occupational functioning. You had to leave college because of the drinking and depression. You also had to quit your job because of your aggressive behavior at work.

To answer your question directly, none of what you described is “normal.” Severe depression, drinking until blacking out, suicidal ideation, having to leave college and having quit your job is all evidence that these problems are seriously and negatively interfering with your quality of life. You’re suffering as a result of these problems.

I would recommend seeking professional help. Meet with a mental health professional who can gather information about your psychosocial history and current symptoms and determine the best course of treatment. Psychotherapy and medication have helped many, many people experiencing a similar set of symptoms. Depression is a treatable condition but only you can decide to receive professional help.

You have endured the last few years of your life. You have suffered and while it shows strength and endurance on your part, it did not need to happen. Therapy would have, most likely, either eliminated or greatly, greatly reduced the pain that you have gone through. Few people would have suffered with a toothache for two years but those same people allow themselves to suffer with mental pain, which is at least as severe or perhaps worse, for two years or more.

I know it’s not that simple. Sometimes help is not available or we might not know how to get it, or our parents forbid it, etc. But once you are aware that help is available, you should make every effort to gain that help.

The problem is, for many people who fail to seek help, that they don’t know that they should. They think that a pain in a tooth deserves and is best served by seeking the help of a professional but not that their emotional pain is best treated by seeking the help of a professional. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 12, 2022 0 comment

Pregnant and Husband is Nonsupportive

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 29th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ever since my husband and I got married, I have been very unhappy in this relationship. I feel like I’m married to a teenage boy who is used to getting his way without giving anything back (he is an only child and was raised in a very permissive environment). I could go on about all the details of his controlling, manipulative, often times verbally abusive behavior, but I just want to give some background o f my current problem.

Although he has had a job throughout the majority of our marriage, In 6 years I have had to deal with him deciding to embark on a new career path 5 times; and in every instance,a great deal of money is required for things like the training or the equipment necessary. He basically becomes obsessed with his new endeavors, dedicating all his time and energy to them while neglecting any responsibilities and his current job. I have expressed how emotionally straining each new venture is on me, and he always promises that “this is the last time”. However, He always abandons these projects as quickly as he takes them on. A few months later, he will find something else to spark his interest and it starts all over again.

He has no shame in demanding more money and my undying support with absolutely no consideration of my feelings. I feel that he is not living up to his job as a husband, father and a supporter of his family by not providing us with stability and a steady source of income. He is constantly pointing the finger back at me when I protest to the unfairness of the situation, insinuating that I am a loser because he believes I’ve never worked or had a “real job” .

I have provided us with a great deal of financial support from the assets my mother left me when she died. I have sold almost all of the property, annuities and stock she left me (we’re talking hundreds of thousands of dollars) to support us. Much of this money has gone to vacations and lots of “toys” that he wanted, such as a boat, expensive photography equipment, and a pickup truck, just to name a few. Although he never has had a problem spending this money, he continually points out that I did not actually work for it and am therefore still not contributing my share to the marriage by not always having a job.

I have worked on and off since we’ve been married, but the time I have spent not working has been at home taking care of our daughter. Even since she was born, I went back to work as a high school Spanish teacher. He was not at all supportive during this time, telling me that I was neglecting my family when I would stay after school school late or work on weekends to complete a teacher’s never ending tasks of lesson planning and grading papers.

I’m 35 weeks pregnant and am just about at my rope’s end as the arrival of our son nears. We moved to another city a few months ago after I sold a house I inherited from my mother; the sale enabled us to buy a new house and have a good chunk of cash left over. This money was meant to be a crutch while he looked for jobs and worked on the new travel business that he bought into in December. However, in 5 months, he has not spent a full hour searching for jobs, does nothing to help around the house, and has completely abandonded the travel business.- I have done the bulk of unpacking, most everything is still in boxes from the move. I have asked him repeatedly for help, especially because I am having a rough pregnancy with lots of back pain, so I am not physically capable of doing every bit of the housework. Yet he continues to ignore any housework and my requests for him to do specific tasks.

When he is not napping, which is quite often, he watches tv, reads, or plays on the internet. Any time not spent on these activities is spent on his newest endeavor – he wants to become a pilot! Of course, there is a costly training involved that will come out of the money from the sale of the house. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that we had agreed a good portion of this money would go toward the kids’ college funds. I became furious at his audacity to do this yet again, right before our son is to be born. I tried to compromise with him by agreeing to that he begin the training program after he gets a job and works for a while, just to make sure this is exactly what he wants to do. This is not acceptable to him, it has to be now. I finally broke down and agreed because he wouldn’t leave me alone about it, not even letting me sleep at night! So, the only time he does anything productive is when he goes to flying lessons at over $100 a pop.

The money is running quickly out and I just don’t know what to do now. Because my daughter was a csection birth, I will be having another when this baby comes. I know I am going to need to rely on him to help, as I am going to need to heal from the surgery. I won’t be able to do a lot of things, including picking up our 3 year old daughter! But at this rate, I feel like I can only count on him to contribute to the piles of laundry, dirty dishes, and trash he currently leaves me to deal with. Believe me, I know that we need serious help from a counselor if this marriage is going to work, but there’s only a few short weeks left before the baby comes. I need his help now! What do I do???

I’m so sorry you are in this situation – especially at a time when you are feeling particularly vulnerable. By your description, you are not married to a man. You are married to an overgrown teenager. You are expecting adult behavior from someone who sees no reason to be an adult. Why would he? He has been continually rewarded for his immature behavior with money, toys, and the freedom to do what he wants when he wants. It’s a nice life if you can get it. Well, not really. What he doesn’t understand is that he is missing out on the satisfactions of being a successful husband, father, and employee. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

It’s time for you to stop looking at him and to start looking at yourself. You can’t change him. He sees no reason to change. He avoids accountability by not staying with anything. He thinks it works for him. Sadly, you’ve gotten caught up in his game. You’ve always backed down from any limit you’ve set so he has no reason to think you’ll do differently now.

I don’t know what has kept you from being more assertive. If you haven’t been able to figure out how to draw a line and keep it, it’s time for you to get some help. Please find yourself a therapist to help you reclaim your self-esteem and self-respect. Your children need your mothering, not your husband. While you do your personal work, it might also be advisable to consult a lawyer about how to protect your remaining assets. If you do decide to separate, you don’t want to be penniless and dependent for child support on this overgrown child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 29, 2022 0 comment

Lack of focus, anxiety, depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 26th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I feel this started picking up around 7 to 8 years ago and is just now where I’m not really sure what to do anymore.

I’ve always had a mild issue with concentration. I have a habit of getting sidetracked etc. I’d be in class and notice that I was thinking of something totally unrelated to the lecture and mentally shake my head and try to pay attention (to things I was genuinely interested in to begin with). Some minutes later I’d notice I had dazed off and again wasn’t paying attention. This would happen pretty much constantly through my lectures.

At first, it wasn’t too big of a deal. I was capable of only half paying attention and doing well anyway. It tends to take less effort for me to get most things than it does other people, or so it had always seemed.

However, I’ve gotten to the point where it’s a real effort to even read anymore. I used to read all the time: fantasy, various fiction, textbooks, science books, and even encyclopedias. I always just loved reading (which is probably the main reason I even did well in school to begin with). Now, when I read a book (and this is something that has gotten progressively worse over the years), I can’t focus. I find myself reading the same paragraph (or lines) over and over again. I’ll be reading and notice, I have no clue what the last sentence just said. When I look back I realize I haven’t really read anything for the last couple of paragraphs. This happens repeatedly. I’ve almost completely given up reading for enjoyment which is something that used to take up a great deal of my time, and I have decreasing ability to read for my classes. I’ve also been a horrible procrastinator my whole life. Again, this used to not be as much of an issue. Even procrastinating, I was able to do well. I’ve also been forgetful most of my life (which also seems to be getting worse). I can be thinking about asking someone a question, go to the kitchen to get some water, then completely forget I was going to ask them something. I had one student (I tutor for Java programming) apologize to me by email for saying “horrible” things to me, and I had no clue what she was talking about. All of this combined has now equated to doing poorly in college. I was doing quite well at computer programming, and now find even that difficult. It was something I used to very much enjoy doing. I dread going to class. I dread taking tests. Sometimes I get so worked up over it, I can’t do anything but sit there feeling so sick to my stomach I feel like I’m getting an ulcer or going to vomit.

So, I wind up having to drop a class. But then I can’t show face in class the next time around, because I’m so obsessed with how stupid I look being in a class the second time around. I’m also aware that it’s stupid to be so nervous/upset about such a thing, but it doesn’t change anything. So, I don’t go to class… If I go back to class, I’m “the guy that never attends class” so I don’t go again… and so on.

So, of course now I’m disgusted with myself, because I’m doing poorly in school. And not because it’s too difficult for me… I’ve never felt it is. I just can’t seem to stay focused and motivated.

I’ve always had a poor diet, and when I got out of highschool, I had very little exercise. (On a perhaps unrelated note, I started losing my hair at 18-19.) So, I’ve recently been eating better… and exercising… lifting weights and walking… taking vitamins… but I still feel… I don’t know… dull. At least, when I’m not feeling anxious. This isn’t to say I don’t ever enjoy myself, just that it’s definitely not the norm.

I also started becoming aware that I had kidney stones around that time (19-20). Not actually passed them; just had bad back aches from them (they could be seen on an xray). I didn’t finally pass one until a few years ago (3-4). I was prescribed hydrocodone (narcotic analgesic) for pain relief. That was pretty much useless, so I stopped taking them. I had always been funny about drugs. I get that from my mother. People that used drugs were weak and anything that altered your mentality was detestable. I took it to a further level than she did and abstained completely from alcohol as well. Probably 6 months to a year later I was working on a directed study that required more programming than normal. So, between surfing the web (which I tend to do more and more… you can be doing 10 things at the same time and never really have to pay attention to them all) and programming, I was getting severe headaches. So, scrounging around for some ibuprofen, I found the old unused hydrocodone. I figured it’d at least work for a headache even if it did nothing for my kidney stone pain. Sure enough, not only did the headache go away, but I felt more energetic and able to concentrate. I’d program for hours until it wore off and my headache came back, then I’d take it again and program for hours. It was the first time I felt “normal” in a long time. There was definitely a buzz… but I didn’t care about that. It just felt so good to be able to read and program for hours like I used to and not be unable to focus or feel like I had no energy.

So, here I am now. Today I had a midterm. I woke up early to study some more for it after barely sleeping (I failed to mention throughout all of this drivel that I have a hard time going to sleep which is also something that has progressively gotten worse over the years), but was so anxious about the test, I felt overwhelmingly sick to my stomach. I had plenty of time to study, but couldn’t. 8 hours later and I’m still a little sick. I missed the midterm. So… I’ll have to drop the class… again.

I don’t know what to do at this point, but I know I need to do something. I actually called three psychiatrist offices this morning (which, considering my almost sub-conscious long held views of psychiatry and people that go to psychiatrists, is actually saying something) but none were taking patients. (I hate talking to people I don’t know on the phone, and was getting sick over that as well while calling.) I have always chalked up anything going wrong to laziness/procrastination and figured I just need to “try harder”, but that’s not really solving anything. I guess, after all this, what my question is: how do you go about starting to work towards a solution in this vein? I used my insurance co’s website to look up psychiatrists and was just calling asking if they were taking new patients. I assume that’s kosher? If they ask “what’s the purpose of the visit?” what do you say? It feels like any answer to that question is whiny. Are you supposed to be referred by a dr, or is just calling normal?

A. Instead of trying for the psychiatrist at this point, why not try a therapist. Just as you were looking for psychiatrists through your insurance company website, go back to the website and look for therapists in your area. If you ended up at a psychiatrist, he or she probably would refer you to therapy anyway. I am not exactly sure what medication could do for you at this point. Start with therapy and then, if your therapist believes medication would be helpful, then see a psychiatrist.

Since you are in school, you can also try your college counseling center for help. Most universities have an entire counseling centers staffed with well trained psychologists, social workers and psychiatrists with services specifically designed to help with student problems exactly as you are describing.

It sounds like you are at least partly depressed, it’s getting worse and it is affecting your school work and other areas of your life. It sounds like the way you have lived for years, just is not working for you now. Doing poorly in school is very real. You are not whining. The problems you describe are very real and you should seek help and not put this off.

When you call for help, whether it’s to a therapist, psychiatrist or at the college counseling center, just say that you are having trouble with procrastination and depression. It does not matter very much what you say when you make the appointment, it just matters that you make the appointment. You should keep all of the follow up appointments and get the help you need to live a more productive, efficient and more stress free life. Good luck and don’t let this problem snowball anymore than it has already. Don’t wait another 7 to 8 years to seek help. The sooner you get started solving your problem, the less stress you will experience.

January 26, 2022 0 comment

I am a sociopath.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 26th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For quite some time now, I’ve had this overwhelming sense of emptiness as if something about myself was somehow off kilter. Everyday I go through the same self-scrutinizing process. Waking up, “what the hell’s wrong with me?” Showering, “why am I such an awful person?” Brushing my teeth, “Damn, my conscience is seriously a hot mess right now.” You get the idea. This vicious circle is pretty much part of my everyday routine. The scariest thing by far was my recent revelation of my sociopathic behavior. Yeah, I’ve tried to justify why I do the things I do, but it’s a waste of time. Deep down, I don’t believe my petty justifications anyhow. It’s pretty futile and silly to lie to your conscience, but I digress.

My reasoning behind my belief that I am a sociopath? For starters, I am a compulsive liar. I’ve asked myself time and time again “Why do I feel the need to lie to others?” I lie because I want to impress people. I want to feel accepted by people, I want them to see ‘cool’ construction of myself, or how intelligent, or how witty I am, or how clever I am with my command of language. I feel that if people knew who I really was or somehow saw past the facade of my constant lies (scary!), they would feel turned off by me or they would see me as boring. I always feel the need to make things up (situations, knowing someone of power, etc.) in order to relate to people. I find myself profiling people to see what they’re interested so I too can say that I’m into the things they’re into (even if I’m not, which is the case 65%.) During my years as a teenager, I was involved in sports and was really quite good (I may very well be a sociopath, but this is actually true.) I hated playing sports after a while because it became to emotionally and physically exhausting (my parents were pretty demanding to say the least.) I started cutting myself when my parents wouldn’t let me quit because 1.) it was a way to draw attention to myself and my severe unhappiness in sports. I thought if I could get them to believe that I was off my rocker, they would somehow have sympathy for me and let me do my own thing 2.)

Somehow self-harm was like a cathartic experience for me. It hurt like hell, but I felt I needed that pain, like I needed to teach myself a lesson because I was an ugly, disingenuous person inside and out. I’ve done research on other websites dedicated to problems like sociopathy. I exhibit a good amount of what constitutes a sociopath. I lie constantly. I have grandiose thoughts (I sometimes truly believe that I’m going to be the person to write the next great American novel…wishful thinking, I know). I feel as if I have to feign emotion in order to make myself think that I am an empathetic person. I’ll cry at animal shelter PSA’s or tell people how cute their babies are when really they look like naked mole rats. I have the act down to a science. I can express sadness, joy (the most exhausting to fake), anger (the easiest), etc. My concern though lies with the treatment of sociopathic behavior. How do you begin to ‘cure’ an acute and cunning liar? Then I’ve read that the best way to treat a sociopath is to steer clear of them altogether. Shoot, we are treated like lepers (with probable cause, mind you.) I want to change. It’s exhausting lying to people all of the time. I see that I’ve built a sense of trust in others, and then I realize it’s not me they trust, but an elaborate web of deception they believe to be true. I fool my friends, my family members, my colleagues, and I makes me sick to my stomach knowing that what they think I am is really non-existent, as if I am some invisible entity some empty shell of a human being, walking around like a ghost. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I know I love my family, and my pets (I would “choke my cat” or “kick a puppy” like some of the letters from sociopaths I’ve read proclaim.)

If I lost or disappointed my family, I don’t know what I’d do. That sentiment, in regards to disappointment, extends to the outside world as well. I don’t like to disappoint others. I want to be cunning, and clever, and funny, and intelligent all of the time. I never want to be seen in a vulnerable or pathetic light. If anyone thought I was a complete idiot, I could just die! At this point I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want the lies to stop. I don’t want to feel like I constantly need to be accepted or loved by everyone. I sleep with men, even if I don’t like them that much and even if they don’t like me that much, just to feel wanted. Just to feel another human body on a quasi-intimate level. Recently, a guy I had been sleeping with, of whom I had irrational thoughts of starting a family with, of caring for, of being his intellectual equal, had moved on to another woman (one of my closest friends, nonetheless.) What made it worse is that the girl he now likes was my model of what ‘good’ truly is. She is the most genuine, honest, intelligent, radiantly noble, and fiercely loyal person I know, and the fact that I can never be like that (without lying, at least) eats away at my insides. I spent a year trying to get this guy to like me, to make him think I was cool, to make him believe that I was the woman that was going to change him, to take care of him. At first I felt sick to my stomach when I found out about them, then I realized I couldn’t cry because I felt silly crying because we weren’t exactly dating or anything and it seems quite silly for crying over a booty call. In fact, our only sense of a relationship was built on sex and brief, albeit, interesting conversations with one another. I have no idea why I am so attached to him. Maybe because he was the guy that took my virginity. He’s incredibly intelligent, creative, and witty, and I wanted to be those things too but to a greater extent. I wanted him to be in awe of how much we ‘had in common’, to know that I was going to give him a run for his money intellectually.

It’s not just mere attachment, either. I’d call it an obsession. A goal that I constantly strived to achieve, one lie after another. Feeling dejected after the whole situation, I finally started crying like a damn child and felt compelled to go and get the razor from the medicine cabinet. I did. I sliced my wrist up pretty good. Then I felt completely stupid after the fact, like some over-dramatic fat high school chick who didn’t get the part in the school play. I had seen how hurt and concerned my mom was in the past about my cutting problem. It literally traumatized her. I feel really selfish and completely immature for cutting myself again. I had seen the look my mother’s eyes when she witnessed the first onslaught of my cutting ‘performances’. Terror. Sheer terror. And disgust. And the fact that I can so readily, so freely go back to cutting without any thought or concern for her well-being, even after I had promised her I wouldn’t, makes me feel like a damn brat. A selfish, completely histrionic, spoiled little brat and it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. My parents do EVERYTHING for me. EVERYTHING. And the fact I can’t even reciprocate their efforts to give me a better life because I’m too concerned about myself and how I am perceived by others is truly pathetic, in every sense of the word. And that was the impetus for my revelation. I’m sick in the damn head and sick in the damn heart. I want to believe that I can change, but I don’t exactly know how I can go about doing that. I’m just so muddled up in the construction of my own stuff that I don’t even know where to begin. Any advice for a girl who’s off her dang rocker?

Yes. As a matter of fact I do. I don’t think you’re a sociopath. You are too angry with yourself for that. I do think you are in significant distress and that you need some serious help. You know that too. So now here comes the hard part: Having written that detailed, insightful letter about yourself, are you ready to seek out and accept the help you need?

The methods you came up with to cope with your low self-esteem and your fears while a teenager are clearly not working for you anymore. Actually, they never did. It’s time to try something that is proven to be helpful. You need to get a thorough evaluation by a qualified psychologist and talk over a treatment plan that is based on his or her findings. Take your letter with you. It will provide an efficient overview of your issues.

Remember that therapy is for you. Lies may impress the therapist but where will that get you? Judging the therapist or trying to seduce won’t get you anywhere either. Please be selfish enough to skip the drama and get the most out of therapy you can. Accepting the attention and support that good therapy provides can help you have a more satisfying life. Go for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 26, 2021 0 comment

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