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Postpartum Loss of Libido

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I completely lost the desire to have sex after having my first baby 2 years ago. My sex drive never returned. Ever since I had a baby, I have not wanted to have sex at all. Just the thought of it would be a complete turn off. Of course, it’s starting to take a toll in my relationship and I just want to fix this problem. I am now pregnant with my second only for the fact that I just did it with him a few times to keep him happy. But sex actually is very painful for me. There is no position that I tried that doesn’t hurt. I haven’t had a sex drive in a little over 2 years now and something is telling me that it isn’t right. My boyfriend’s mom thinks it maybe be trauma related. I was a teen mom, getting pregnant at 15 and having my first baby at 16. Could that be possible? I need professional help. I don’t know what else to do.

A; I’m so, so sorry this hasn’t been dealt with long ago. Your mother-in-law is right. It’s highly possible that this is a psychological response to getting pregnant so young. But it’s also possible that something happened to you physically during the birth of your first child that is making sex so painful. Of course, it could be both.

The first thing to do is to have a very, very honest talk with your OB/GYN. Be as specific as you can manage. Ask for a thorough exam. Since your doctor has been focused on your pregnancy, it’s possible that a physical problem hasn’t been seen or understood. Also talk about whether you should see an endocrinologist to check hormone levels. It’s also possible that your body never fully recovered from pregnancy. ((That may be hard to determine right now since you are pregnant again.) The point is — get a complete and thorough physical workup to rule out an undiagnosed medical issue.

If you check out physically, it’s then time to seek out a mental health counselor to further explore the trauma issue and whether there are psychological reasons for you to be uninterested in sexual contact and in pain when you try. It would be a shame, indeed, for you to give up on the closeness and sweetness of a physical relationship with someone you love due to an unresolved issue from your early teen years.

You are only 18. You’ve jumped into adult life very early. You have huge responsibilities with a toddler and a baby on the way. I very much hope that you have a loving partner and that the two of you are finding a way to build a strong family. I hope you have support and practical help of older people who care about you as well. You’ve chosen a hard path but not an impossible one.

I’m very glad you wrote. That was an important first step to fixing the problem. Now please do take the next step. Talk to your doctor. Don’t give up until you have answers. With the right treatment, I’m reasonably certain that you can reclaim your physical self.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Psychotic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello Doctor, ill try to make this breif: my lifestyle: i go to work from 8 am till 6 pm, when i get back home, i do some compulsive behaviours, then spend the rest of the night getting high on cannabis or alcohol while watching Star Trek (obssesivly). medications: i am on anti depression and anti psychotic medications.

My Problem: since the last 10 years i was hiding my pain and hold a mask over my face to make people happy, but now i had it. i can no longer hold the true nature of my situation, which is: i donnt want a job, i dont want freinds, i want to be left alone, i dont want human interaction, i feel its unreal, i only feel real when im by myself, in my room, watch “Star Trek”, i told my doctor that people have noticed odd behaviours from me, i used to hold these behavoiurs, but now they control me, i imagine a situation in my head, and then i try avoiding it, somtimes i yell, somtimes i talk to myself, i dont control it anymore. i had 5 failed engagements!! i couldnt take the pain, so i found a way to block pain, and now, i cant feel anything. my faimly are devastated, i cant control my cannabis use, if i did, i would jump to alcohol, and if i stopped drinking, i restart smoking cannabis. my doctor says that im bipolar, i disagree. every job i get, i get fired, because i cant keep up, i try to avoid talking to people all the time. all i want to do is be alone with my thoughts and fantasies. am i making any sense.

You asked whether you are psychotic. Not feeling that human interaction is real may be a sign of psychosis. You also mentioned that you engage in “odd behaviors.” Since you did not elaborate on those problems, I don’t have enough information to provide a definitive answer about your being psychotic.

What further complicates your situation is your drug and alcohol use. Your symptoms may be a direct result of your substance abuse. The only way to verify if your symptoms are being affected by your drug use would be to stop using drugs. The main problem is that you feel as though you can’t stop which may mean that you have an addiction.

Your doctor diagnosed you with bipolar disorder. What’s encouraging is that you have been evaluated by a doctor. I would recommend reporting all of your symptoms to your doctor, including the fact that you are using drugs and alcohol. Many people might try to conceal that information from their doctor but your doctor should know. It could help to identify what may be wrong.

At this point in time, you are unhappy and are not functioning well. As you said, using drugs is your way of avoiding dealing with your problems but it is only making them worse. Your symptoms are concerning and should be treated. The correct way to handle this situation is to get help. Speak to your doctor and report your drug use. He or she can refer you to the proper mental health professionals. The longer you wait, the worse your symptoms will likely become. Act now. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dealing with a Difficult Parent

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 17. I’ve suffered from depression since i was 15, have recently been diagnosed with Crohns disease, and on a daily basis i suffer from chronic migraines. Now that’s not just it. what im here to ask is for your professional opinion on how to deal with my mother. Right now shes unemployed and basically a single parent. My father was sent to prison leading me to fall into depression. I stopped eating for a while and started cutting. But then one night i did attempt suicide. After that i realized i needed professional help and my mom helped me get that (at the time i was 15 when that happened) i attended therapy for a few months on and off then it eventually came to an end and i figured i didnt need that help anymore things appeared to be better.

But when i turned 17 i was diagnose with crohns disease. The stress that it put on my mom, taking me to millions of different doctors for months just to find out where this pain was coming from, took a toll on our relationship. Then with my father being away there’s very little money to support me. She tries her very best to support me with the few dollars she gets from unemployment. Being a single unemployed mother with an ill child isn’t easy. and i say that only because i witness it. But being the child of a non existant father, cranky worn out mother, and being sick all the time at 17 years old isn’t fair either.

Lately , almost a year now, all we do is fight. and its not the type of fights you get over the next day. Its the type of fight that continuously goes on and kind of never really ends. I’m ready to be a happy 17 year old NORMAL girl but that seems to be so hard with her. Shes unhappy i can understand why…but im abnormally unhappy too. I figure im to young to be this sad. Where can we meet half way? she holds on to the past…but i don’t. She wants to fight…but i won’t. She wants to kick me out…but i want to stay. I’m ready to throw up the white flag , but shes so complicated, how do i do it?

I’m very, very sorry that you have so much to deal with. Your letter shows you to be a sensitive young woman who is trying extra hard to be fair in spite of it all.

I wish I had a recipe for making it all better. Unfortunately, I don’t. I would need a whole lot more information to come up with a solution to the fighting. For that reason, I’m recommending that you call up that therapist. You had a successful experience with therapy before. Why not give it another round? Once you’ve made a relationship with a therapist, you have a resource you can return to whenever you need to. She will know your story up to when you left so you don’t have to start completely over. Therapy can help you sort out how best to handle your situation. You could also invite your mom to join you so the two of you could work on your relationship.

While you wait for an appointment, please remember this: Someone can only fight if someone else fights back. You have some responsibility – and some power – in this situation. Just because someone invites you to a fight doesn’t mean you have to participate. You could just say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” as gently and respectfully as possible, promise to try to do better (there’s always room for us to do better) and go about your business.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friend is Plotting to Murder Ex

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi my friend was convicted of a sex crime at age 21. He says he never did it and the girl lied because he would not date her. He has dealt with it for years and has always said one day he would get her back for lying on him. The only thing that kept him in check was his family and he knew they relied on him for all the financial support. Its the only thing that kept him from seeking revenge on the girl.

Well he lost his job and his wife ended up with a job making way more than he ever has and they are very financially stable now. However he tells me he sits around all day thinking about how to kill her and her family and plotting it out and he can help but to have these thoughts. His reason for not getting his revenge is gone now.

I don’t know how to help him. He gets up in the morning and he is normal. By noon he is online plotting her death. At night he is in panic mode trying to figure out a way to stop his self. I really feel he is going to end up snapping one day soon and getting his revenge by killing the girl and hes going to destroy his life and never seeing his kids again.

Im not sure what kind of disorder you call this but he is in pain 24/7. I see him crying one second and laughing the next. Ive been his friend since 2nd grade. what should I do?

Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. You are very right to be concerned. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of your letter but I can tell you that what you wrote suggests that losing his job and losing his sense that he was needed has put him over the edge. It’s possible that he is struggling with a depression with psychotic features. He needs more than your friendship. He needs to be evaluated by a professional mental health worker (psychologist) ASAP. Enlist his wife as a partner. She deserves to know what is going on. Make some calls and find a therapist or crisis team that will be willing to see him. Then do your best to get him there.

It probably won’t work to try to talk him out of his anger. It’s almost impossible to reason someone out of thinking that is so unreasonable. But maybe you can appeal to his sense of responsibility. You and his wife can remind him it won’t do his children any good to have their father in prison and to be the children of a murderer. Tell him that there are other ways for him to gain closure from what was a devastating experience for him. Murdering someone will only backfire on his family. Offer to drive him to the appointment and even to go with him if it will help him follow through.

If you aren’t successful, you and his wife should talk to the crisis team in your area and ask for advice about whether there are legal steps you can and should take to make sure both his ex and he stay safe.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I make my parents cry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I am a 16 years old boy, and attending my second last year of school. Time management has always been a problem for me, but my grades never showed this as I was gifted as a student. Things started changing at the beginning of the year, my grades were dropping because I was not putting in the effort. I used to play games, and this may have contributed somewhat.

I know my parents love me, and they do their best to help me, but recently they have become increasingly frustrated and annoyed with me. It seems I have pushed them to their limits to love me. My mom has now started ignoring me, and my dad recently got a job out of town, so he’s not here most of the time. My mom doesn’t want to talk to me, as she says everything I say is a lie to try and please people, and that all I ever do is be “Mr. Nice Guy”. Once she even said that I have lost my soul.

I have made both my parents cry numerous times, and I feel numb to all the pain and suffering I am causing. I would lock myself in my room for days, and just sleep. I haven’t been to school for the past week, just sleeping and playing games, which today I deleted off my computer.

I feel that if I don’t do something to change soon, i will regret it for the rest of my life, as this is a crucial time now: these marks start counting towards my end result.
I have thought about ending my life at times, and that just makes me cry, I would never do it. I write all over my school books that I’m a failure, and I believe it. But I know I must change, this just isn’t me.

Please help me, I don’t know who I am anymore or where to turn for help. I am spiraling down into a pit that has no joy or happiness left in it. I feel that everything I do is fake, and I am just living as a shell with no purpose. Please help me.

Okay then. Your letter is the first step in reclaiming yourself and turning your life around. Actually, the first step was deleting the games from the computer. So you’re really on step 2. Now let’s get to steps 3 and beyond. . .

Sometimes students act like this because they are so afraid of failing that it’s better to not even try. If you don’t try, you can always tell yourself that you could do well if you only make the effort. It’s a tactic that may save your dignity but it does so at the price of your future. I think you can do better than that.

Another possibility is that you really are depressed and need some focused help to get out of the depression.

It sounds to me that your parents are just as frustrated with you as you are. They are suffering from their own problems and don’t know what to do to help you with yours. Parents who cry are parents who care — deeply — but you know that. Since they don’t know how to help, it’s time you found someone who does.

Please consider talking to a school counselor or your doctor or someone else you trust about how to go about getting an evaluation from a mental health counselor. You’re stuck. If you knew what to do, I think you would have done it long ago. You strike me as a smart, decent guy who is as mystified by his own behavior as his parents are. A counselor will help you understand why you are so self-defeating and will teach you some strategies for getting back to the business of realizing your potential. A counselor can also provide much needed support for your whole family if you are willing to have some family sessions. Since you and your folks do care about each other so much, it would probably be a great relief for you all to learn how to be more supportive of one another.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friends: Don’t Have Any, Don’t Want Any

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been rejected by peers from as early as junior kindergarten. It was not so much bullying as rejection (i.e: I had only 1 friend up until gr.7 or 8, & mostly just got shunned or talked about behind my back). It’s been a continuing trend in my life, but I am just wondering if it is a normal reaction to not care (aside from feeling angry when I think about my past).

Specifically, what I mean is that I do not really care to have meaningful social interactions with other people. I view it as a hassle. Being friends with someone just means you have to deal with all the related complexities of the relationship. From my point of view, relationships simply complicate life. I don’t really see the point. People just aren’t worth the time. When I do make a friend, I tend to sort of drift away after a while. For instance, it would be weird having the same friend for more than a couple of years. I start resenting having them.

Yet, it seems that most people who don’t have friends DO want friends…and it causes them emotional pain/discontent etc that they don’t have friends. But I’m the opposite, I don’t care to have friends. I think that it’s a defence mechanism I built up. Do you think that it’s possible that it is a numbness to the social rejection I experienced as a child? If not, any general ideas as to what else could be triggering it (and is it normal to feel the way I do)? And is it even possible to shake oneself out of this kind of apathy? I have next to no motivation to do so. Also, is it really that detrimental to not want to bother with people on a personal level? I’m fine with casual aquaintances, like the people I work with. But I don’t really want anything more than that. And I’m also an introvert by nature.

I know I’ve asked a lot of questions, but I’d appreciate any insight.

Thanks

Thank you for writing. It’s certainly possible that you are right that you built a defense mechanism in response to early rejection. There’s an old expression: “You can’t fire me. I quit.” It’s possible that you protected yourself from rejection by deciding that you didn’t care about acceptance. This isn’t to say that you consciously made up your mind to give up on people. Little kids don’t function that way. But they do learn to stay away from what hurts them. What makes me very, very sad in your story is that no adult recognized the problem or protected or helped you. No little kid should be subjected to that kind of cruelty. No little kid should be left to figure it out on their own.

No. It’s not “normal” to be a complete social isolate. People tend to be pack animals. They need others around them to survive and thrive. It’s not necessary to have a huge circle of friends to be okay. Some people are fine with only a couple of close, intimate friends. Introverts are as okay as extroverts. I would just hate to have you go through life without the support, warmth, and mutual trust of real friendships. Yes, you really would be missing something.

You say you have next to no motivation to change. You didn’t say you have none. I suggest you use whatever little motivation you have to explore your feelings about this issue in the safety and acceptance that therapy can offer. A therapist won’t try to talk you into being different. But he or she will help you take a new look at your early experience as well as your present life. Together you’ll decide if you have some goals around relating people that you want to work on.

You didn’t get the help you needed as a child. Your adult self can make sure you get some support and guidance now. I hope you will give yourself that opportunity.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Like Causing Others Emotional Pain, Like Receiving Physical Pain

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As you can read from the title, I like causing others emotional pain. Especially boys. I like stringing them along, making them think I like or love them, just to completely stop talking to them, or just to tell them that I don’t. Everytime I meet a guy I just think about If I could play with them the way I wanted to. To have them on their knees for me. As you can also tell by the title, I like receiving physical pain. I think it’s totally great when someone pucnhes me in the face, or just leaves bruises. I especially like the pain the day after. when the bruise is visable, and you don’t feel the direct pain anymore and just that faint pain, that you can still feel that you’ve been hit. It’s nice to me. But i don’t have a kink. neither am I into BDSM. I personally think BDSM is disgusting, and I would never, ever try it. I don’t like pain when it comes to sex. BDSM is a big no to me. And I want to make that clear because alot of people tell me, my liking to pain is a kink. I think about a year ago I was diagnosed with depression. I had therapy. I am not depressed anymore, I am empty. I don’t have any feelings other than anger. I also feel very annoyed and bored all the time. And my family now thinks I’m insane. So I want to know, which personality disorder I might have? if I have one?

Diagnoses are best determined by having an in-person evaluation, by a mental health professional. It’s something you should consider, especially because of your anger. Occasional anger is normal but constant anger is not.

You also expressed a desire to control and or harm others. These types of fantasies can arise when people lack power and control over their own lives. Feeling helpless often breeds fantasies of power and dominance.

If I were interviewing you, I would want to know about what has happened in your life that has led to your feelings and fantasies. Has there been trauma and abuse?

Your desire to hurt others or to be harmed is unusual and is probably linked to your anger. When these feelings arise, you should not indulge them. Nothing good can come from your harming people or your attempting to be harmed by others.

You mentioned a diagnosis of depression which means that you have interacted with mental health professionals. If you’re not already in counseling, you should try it. It would help you to understand your feelings but more importantly, how to overcome them and improve the quality of your life. Angry people are not happy people. Therefore changes are necessary; help is necessary.

All of these issues can be addressed in counseling. Ask your parents to assist you in seeking professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend May Have a Personality Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I recently began dating a male who I believe may have a certain type of personality disorder. I’ve done as much research as I can and think it may be something along the lines of Pathological Lying or Pseudologia Fantastica. I also believe that Facitious Disorder may also be a possible diagnosis. He is currently 27 years old.

As far as family history goes, this individual had a mother who was a heroin Addict and was diagnosed as a Sociopath. As a child, he was exposed to drugs, pills, watched his own mother do heroin, was taken to crack houses by his father and was physically abused by his father. His mother abandoned his family at an early age. He claims to have had dyslexia as a child but says his father refused to recognize it. He has a poor relationship with his father now. He claims to hardly “feel pain” and that pain killers “don’t work for him.” His medical history seems to be extremely lengthy. Claiming to have split his head open twice and broken and fractured multiple limbs. He was diagnosed with depression at one point and was prescribed the drug Trazodone. He says he does not like doctors and seems to be extremely knowledgeable when it comes to medical information. He does not like doctors and seems to enjoy proving them wrong. He has a history of sleep walking/irregular sleeping patterns and says he was discharged from the military for it. He also claimed to have had an irregular heartbeat but no diagnosis of an actual disorder or disease has ever been mentioned. He has the tendency to repeat certain stories.
All this aside, he is still extremely intelligent, polite and quite put together. He is very rational and kind.

It wasn’t until recently that I began feeling as though something wasn’t making sense. Am I wrong? How should I approach him? Is there a way to help him?

You suspect that he may be lying or that he has a psychological disorder but nothing you have written would indicate that either of these are true. Do you suspect that what he has told you is not true? What aspects of his behavior make you think that he has a factitious disorder?

You stated that you and he have only recently begun dating. If you believe that he has serious psychological problems and is a pathological liar, then it would be in your best interest to end this relationship immediately. If an individual is unwell, then it will be difficult for them to maintain a healthy, functional relationship.

Also, it would be inadvisable to approach him about these issues, especially if you hardly know him. It’s difficult to anticipate his reaction. He might be angry or offended. You don’t want to put yourself in danger. Nor do you want to hurt his feelings.

Without more information about why you believe these things to be true about your partner, it is difficult to give you advice. If you would like to write back and provide more information I may be able to give you a more complete answer. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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I feel like I am losing my mind

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ever since i can remember I have always been an angry person. I snap at my mom for stupid things(to the point where i’m screaming at her for nothing, and i know its wrong when im doing it but i do it anyways)and i over analyize EVERYTHING. If you were to meet me you would think that I didn’t have a care in the world. I work in retail and i have been called “fun, bubbily, always happy*, adorable” etc. I feel like i have this act at my job where i just don’t want them to see my angry side, so i don’t show it to them. The only people i actually release all of my anger towards is my mom, sister, and my boyfriend.

The one place i am never angry is my other job at a daycare. I work with kids and no matter how stressed out i am, or how many bad things i’m dealing with at the time, i never feel anger towards them. I have about 4 close friends, and I would consider myself to be a VERY loyal friend. However, i am very clingy and i do not like to be by myself. If i am alone i feel like a loser and unless i am watching tv or unless i am occupied by something else, i will just sit there and think of how insane i am. I am constantly giving my friends advice, and i would consider myself very insightful and i am VERY good at reading people; however, when it coems to my own life, i feel like i am not in control and that i am constantly making bad decisions.

When i am not in control of something, i feel extremely anxious and angry. I am very good at talking to people and I appear to be very confident. However, that is not the case at all. People who know me well would say that i have anger problems. I am insecure to the point where i am CONSTANTLY thinking bad things about myself (like how i’m insane, or evil). I have been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years. I am only 18 and i have never been without my boyfriend. He has cheated on me multiple times and i still go back to him. In a way, I almost feel worthless without him. I feel like if i’m not with him then he will move on and be happy and no one else will ever want to be with me because i’m a bad person.

I have been to multiple therapists and many of them blamed my obessive thinking on the fact that my parents divorced when i was only 3 years old. It enraged me to hear that (because i am perfectly happy with my living situation, with my mom) but as the years go by, i have started to think that because i don’t have a strong male role model in my life that that is the reason why i am so extremly dependant on my boyfriend. I am very jealous and i always think of things in a negative way. For example, i am going away with my friends for new years, and as soon as i found out my boyfriend was going and staying in a different hotel i automatically think that hes going to have sex with another girl, or that he’ll ruin my trip somehow. It’s like i get these messed up thoughts, and it’s like subconciously i want them to happen so i can be right; and when these terrible thoughts do happen,

i have many suicidal thoughts and I become extremely depressed. I think about killing myself at least once a day. I know that i will never follow through with it, but sometimes i am just so down on myself i feel like i don’t even want to be me anymore.

I have been a marijuana user for about 4 years now. Within the past 2 years, i have smoked weed every day. Within the last 6 months or so, i started “sketching” really badly. I am always very anxious when i smoke weed, especially when i am alone. I often think that there are ghosts in my room, or i think that there is someone in my house. Every single night i will smoke a bowl in my room, and just sit there and think about how messed up i am and how everyone would think i am crazy if they knew my thoughts. I cannot stop smoking weed. Even though it makes me think messed up thoughts sometimes, it occasionally makes me feel normal because my state of mind is altered and i am not myself for an hour or so.

Another thing that has been an issue for me for YEARS now would be my phobia of someone coming into my house. Every night before i go to bed i think that there is someone in my house and i think that they are going to kill me or kidnap me. It doesnt mater if i check my whole house, or lock my bedroom door, i still think that someone is going to kill me and TONIGHT is going to be the night that i die. I’m also very scared when it comes to driving. I do not drive, and when i am with my friends, i constnatly think about how they are going so fast and i always think we are going to get into an accident. I have a lot of trouble concentarting, and even when it comes to something simple (like readinga book for school), i will pick the book up and start to cry because i am so frusterated and don’t want to do it. I am not a stupid person, and when i was in highschool if i were to actually do an assignment, i would get around a 90%. But most of the time i woudlnt even bother handing it in because i am afaird of failure. I also think that i always have something wrong with me (like a sickness) and my mom often calls me a “hypochondriac.”

To conclude, i know that i have problems. Sometimes i feel like i overanalyze my thoughts so much and that is why i think i’m crazy. Often people tell me i just need to “chill” but i feel like i cant. I don’t know what to do 🙁

Oh my. That’s quite a long list. No wonder you’re constantly upset. Let’s see if maybe I can give you a little direction. I suspect the therapists you saw were trying to tell you something a bit more complicated than that it’s all the fault of your parents’ divorce. That’s rarely the case. What may be the case is that you are a person with an exceptionally sensitive temperament and people didn’t understand at the time of the divorce that you needed more help coping with the changes in your life. You may have mistakenly believed on some level that the divorce was partly your fault. You may have felt your dad’s departure more profoundly than most kids would. All of this mixed together could be the basis for the development of borderline personality disorder. Look up the traits of the disorder and see if it fits.

On the other hand, you’ve been smoking weed continuously for a number of years. The amount and frequency are well beyond occasional recreational use. You have a serious psychological addiction. It’s a truism in my field that people who use at the level you are often become developmentally “stuck” at the age they were when they started using heavily. So here you are at 18, uncertain of yourself, caught up in high drama, and having tantrums – just like a 14- or 15-year-old kid. It’s no wonder you feel out of step with your peers.

All of this is to say that you’re right. You do need help. And you need more help than a letter can give you. You absolutely have to stop smoking weed. You absolutely have to get involved in some kind of therapy to deal with the pain that is inevitably going to erupt once you take off the blanket of smoke. At 18, it’s definitely time for you to stop taking your troubles out on other people and start taking care of yourself.

The very good news in your letter is that you have a lot going for you – if you would only learn to use it. You’re a good, caring worker. You do have some friends. People like you. And you have a good intuitive sense of other people. That’s an amazing amount of pluses. So — put down the bowl and take up the project of becoming the adult you can be. Get the professional help you need and stick with it long enough so that it sticks. You’re worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Wife Is Having Emotional Affair

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Here’s my story: Married for 12 years with two beautiful children. During their upbringing, the wife and I grew distant of each other. She began to treat me badly with little respect and I began to emotional disconnect with her and stopped providing the emotional loving support that she needs. Looking back – we both were at fault!

Her solution was to start an emotional affair with an old boyfriend – it may have started with a sexual encounter but that’s not been confirmed. This lasted for 3 years and she continued to lie to me about it even though I knew the truth. This obviously affected my ability to reconnect to her emotionally. We have discussed this issue over the 3 years never getting to the root cause of her having an emotional affair. Her mindset is, “if I don’t get it from him, I’ll get it from someone else”. After time, she realized that she couldn’t take this affair any further and it began to slow down.

Then she was introduced to social networking and hooked up with another man from her past – and has started another emotional affair – this one is much more serious where they have told each other that they love each other and are trying to make plans to be together in the future – he’s married with children too. I found out about this affair and have confronted her with this. During these discussions, she FINALLY confirmed that she had an emotional affair #1 – something I knew all along. And insists that this is harmless. I however know better and have stumbled on to detailed information that prove this emotional affair is even more serious than the first. She claims to have broken it off completely, but I know for sure that they are still carrying on behind my back – she is now lying to me every day.

She is attempting to work with me to “fix” our marriage, but this to me is just to serve her guilt of what she’s doing. It’s hard to take anything she says or does seriously, since she is constantly lying to me and carrying on with this other man.

They are close to taking this emotional affair to the next level – meeting in person. I’m at the end of my rope – I’m trying to fight for my wife – but am questioning whether I’m wasting my time. She’s done this twice – what’s to prevent her from doing it again and again. I think she needs help but don’t understand what’s going on inside her head.

I need help – I need to understand what she is going through and is this worth saving our marriage, or is she beyond saving. Just let her go and be with the other man and let her become his problem.

The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

Counseling can solve great problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach your partner morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong; according to every major religious doctrine that I am aware of.

You mention that her cheating is “emotional” and perhaps also sexual. She explains to you that emotional cheating is not really cheating. Love is emotion, perhaps the most powerful and meaningful of all emotions. When she turned to another man for her emotional needs, she invalidated the totality of her marriage to you. A marriage is based on love and trust and the most sincere belief that your partner will protect you from pain. Your partner has inflicted pain with a callous regard for your feelings and safety and overall well being.

She has purchased her happiness at the cost of your suffering. She plans to leave you and is making plans to do so. Does she care how this will upset your life or hurt you? You ask her to be honest with you. Why, because you would like to be prepared for your future. You would like to minimize the pain that potentially lies ahead. She continues to lie to you so that she will still have you if her affair doesn’t work out or her new man decides he doesn’t want her. You are her insurance.

What bothers me the most is her constant lying to you. She has found lying to be a functional part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship. Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about your self. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours. She is not ready to leave you because she has yet to find someone who will accept her. I’m sure you are a convenient baby sitter and help pay the bills. You have proof that she is planning or at least attempting to leave you. Is your relationship over? It has been over for many years, even before her affairs.

She is insensitive to your well being. She doesn’t care if she lies or cheats and is anxiously attempting to find your replacement.

I can understand that she is unhappy in her marriage. I can understand that she wants more. I would agree that she should have a good strong marriage. I can not accept her belief that these things are accessible through lies and deception. I would say instead that theses things can never be acquired through lies. The only things acquired through deception and cheating is the illusion of that which she seeks.

The decision is yours. Good luck.

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Hearing Voices and Losing Focus

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I can’t function when this happens. I recently failed out of college, and ever since, I am not sure I am okay. I keep “checking out”, as in I suddenly will lose my ability to focus on anything, my brain gets very foggy/tired, and I will lose a lot of muscle tension and not be able to hold anything or stand up very straight. A couple nights ago, I was crying very hard and in a lot of pain, when I heard Hound speak up. (Hound is an internal voice in my head. He started as an imaginary friend and just took on a life of his own. I don’t mind him; he never threatens me, makes demands of me, etc.) He said “Shhhh. You’re okay. I’m going to take care of it.” and I “checked out” into that foggy state; I stopped feeling anything and went limp. This isn’t the first time Hound has told me that he is the reason behind my dissociation (if that’s the right word).

This morning, after I woke up, I closed my eyes again and relaxed. I wasn’t quite awake, but I wasn’t asleep either. I heard another voice, a very cranky old woman who was berating me. Then another one, a little kid. Then another kid, and a teenager, all talking about different things. I saw myself in a room full of silhouettes, the voices. Then I heard a familiar English accent; it was Hound. I called out to him, and he picked me up and carried me out of the room, locking the door behind us. He apologized, saying he was sorry and that I wasn’t supposed to see that yet. The impression I got was that the voices lived in my head, and he was hiding them from me.

Between that and my constant checking out, I’m beginning to worry about myself. I feel like I am losing my mind one piece at a time, and it’s starting to greatly interfere with daily life. If I check out, I can no longer even hold a conversation. I would really like to seek some help, but I don’t want to ask my parents to pay for therapy if I don’t really need it. That is especially since I failed out of school; they are not exactly happy with me.

You did not detail what led to your problems at school. I suspect that your failing at school and your latest symptoms might be related. Both are signs of a potential problem. To address your question directly, you need to be evaluated by a mental health professional.

It is unusual to hear voices and to be “checking out.” Hearing voices might be indicative of psychosis. Psychosis is a break from reality. Psychotic breaks can be stopped if caught early. Medication can disrupt psychosis and restore the mind to healthy psychological functioning. The importance of early treatment of psychosis cannot be overstated.

Psychosis is a possibility but so might be a neurological problem. Brain tumors, cysts, drug usage, alcohol withdrawal, and so forth, can cause psychosis-like symptoms.

Your mental health and perhaps your physical health are being compromised. Don’t ignore your symptoms. As you noted, they are greatly interfering with your life. It is imperative that you undergo a psychiatric evaluation as soon as possible. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I See a Specialist?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Okay, I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve had some kind of psychological disorder for almost three years now, since I was 16. I haven’t been to a specialist as such because mental disorders aren’t something I can explain to my parents. Although now, I am looking at visiting one just to be sure. I just want to know what you guys think.

I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression. These have varied extremely over the years. When I was around 16, they were incredible and unbearable, almost always following each other. At that point in my life, I was also very depressed and felt caged, thought I was bipolar. As I grew, they became more tangible and I was able to deal with them better after I’d left home and gone to college at the age of 18. I still feel them, and I feel as though I have no control over them, even as I try to emotionally streamline myself now. I used to feel desperation but lately I’ve grown very numb and my states oscillate between being incredibly euphoric or into plain nothingness, or pointlessness. My drive for life constantly fluctuates.

I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies, that are recurrent even now. These tendencies however are mostly passive and I wouldn’t act on them. The need to self harm varies on the level of depression I feel.

I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression. I feel alone and helpless and sometimes wake up in panic in the middle of the night unable to control it.

I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite which are recurrent throughout ever 2 months nearly also accompanied by complete normal states

My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks. I do feel normal for periods in between, which can last even up to a couple weeks. When I feel normal, I feel fine and wonderful (not euphoric)

I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt. I could feel worthless and dejected and then bounce to feeling invincible and wonderful. These feelings of low self worth have changed over the last month after I confronted my father about some underlying issues, and discovered the meaninglessness of life. I don’t think they are gone but rather that they are deeply imbedded but I don’t care about them anymore

I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months, but this may also be due to the numbness I feel towards these issues. I have recently gone through some relationship troubles. I have very evident trust issues and do not trust nearly anyone.

Despite all of this, most days I am able to function properly and I am actually quite happy. I tend to become socially reclusive at times and this leads to either peaceful solitude or depression. At college, I have a bit of a reputation to be crazy and insane.

I feel reckless and impulsive at times. It makes me feel alive. I crave this feeling.

I have a horrible attention span. I can’t watch television shows and until recently found it really hard to finish a book (I used to be an avid reader when I was younger). I feel as though my thoughts are racing at times.

The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted. I do not let myself get close to people often, I think it may be because of abandonment fears. My relationships are quite stable even if my feelings towards a person may change continuously.

I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily. I have been told continuously that I have a talent for empathy and understanding. I am aware of my emotional power over people and know I can get what I want out of them, but sometimes it happens unconsciously. Regardless, I actually do care about these people and have very strong morals when it comes to keeping their secrets. I do not use them.

I do not feel needy and clingy most of the time, but there are moments in between. I used to feel empty a lot. Now, I feel nothing or empowered.

I have a family history of depression, my cousin is diagnosed with it, and my aunt was.

There are times when I am very irritable and other times when my love for people and the world in general is undoubtable.

I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time. I got over it almost completely during the last 2 months. I also think I am numb to feeling that way now, I can’t even imagine it.

I deal with being alone really well. Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I enjoy solitude. Now and then, usually after some kind of trigger, I feel dejected.

I do not crave love or worldly attachments as far as I can understand. I crave passion and my common state is being fine and in love with the world and all of its mysteries

I used to be very sure this was borderline PD, but after looking through cyclothymia, I feel like this could be more apt as I do not feel empty or unloved or needy anymore and have states of being normal in between. Your thoughts?

I think you should go see that specialist. From your letter, I can’t tell if you are just a very passionate, sensitive teen who has been learning to manage her own feelings over the last few years or if there is something amiss.

People normally have highs and lows. The greatest artists and thinkers tend to experience them more intensely. Good therapists tune in to others and are able to still keep themselves in balance. Is that you? Or are you out of control? A counselor will be able to help you decide.

I do worry about the tendency these days to pathologize almost any feelings that are above or below neutral. It’s as if we’re all expected to be driving a car at one moderate speed all the time, regardless of the circumstances — never fast, never slow. It would be boring and at times dangerous. It’s more sensible to learn to drive the car (or your feelings) according to the situation.

So I think you should get your question settled so you can relax about yourself. A mental health counselor will be able to hear your entire story and discuss your history thoroughly with you. A good place to start would be with your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Losing Hope

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve suffered from major depression and chronic insomnia my entire life. What kept me going was the milestones and going through the motions. Even when it was at its worst I would make myself believe that it would get better after high school, that it would get better after college, that it would get better after I got my first job, etc. I’m running out of milestones and it’s been getting worse. I had to quit my job because I was constantly falling into major crying spells while at work. I can’t seem to do anything to distract myself anymore and have become entirely unmotivated and feel like I’ve pretty much given up.

I’ve seen countless therapists and am currently in psychotherapy twice a week in addition to being medicated. What makes it worse is that I have a great family, parents who I know love me and would do anything for me. I feel so guilty that I can’t get better. I know how much they worry about me and I see how painful it is for them that I can’t shake this, and that there’s nothing they can do to make it better. I’ve alienated all of my friends (never had many) but it was my decision. The one friend I did sincerely care about has grown distant from me and who can blame him? I wouldn’t want to be around me either. Whenever I’m around people all I think about is how much I want to be alone so I could just cry in peace. I can’t even listen to people talk to me because I feel so awful all the time.

I often fantasize about dying or how I would kill myself. I used to think I would never kill myself because I couldn’t put my mother through that, it would destroy her. But lately it really seems like this is how it’s going to be forever and I have no reason to think differently. No matter how hard I’ve tried and gone through the motions and worked hard and pretended things were alright nothing has ever felt any better.

I’m in a lot of pain and at this point hearing people tell me “you can take control of your life, this is in your hands” infuriates me because it’s not in my hands. I would do anything for one day of happiness, to have this pain stop. Over the past few months it’s become increasingly difficult for me to talk to people. I find it hard to raise my voice loud enough so someone wouldn’t have to really concentrate on hearing me.

Really I don’t know what options I have left. I’ve tried a slew of antidepressants, I’ve tried various kinds of therapy, none of which have yielded any results.

I don’t want to give up but things just aren’t getting better. My depression started when I was in 3rd grade (I became very withdrawn and disinterested in academics, a social life, hobbies, and anything else). And it’s been about 16 painful years of my life.

I’m angry that this happened to me. I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this. I know life isn’t always fair, but for me it seems that it never is. I’m angry I can’t sleep at night like other people can. I’m just angry, and sad, and depressed, and losing hope. If you have any advice for me, anything at all, please…

I understand that you are ready to give up on life but please reconsider. I have witnessed many people who have wanted to end their lives but who were able to recover from their chronic depression. There is hope for you too.

I would strongly encourage you to read the New York Times article about individuals who attempted suicide and survived. The individuals featured in the article, like you, were at the point of no hope. They too believed that they could not continue living when they felt so much grief. They never thought that their lives would improve which lead them to attempt suicide. What is so remarkable about their stories is that they were thankful that they lived. Logically, you’d think that they’d be upset that they survived since their intention was to die. That was not the case. In addition, because they survived, many of them felt obligated to try to stop others from considering suicide.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, shared a similar view of suicide. Like the individuals featured in the New York Times article, Dr. Frankl’s patients repeatedly told him how happy they were that they did not successfully end their lives. This seems to be a pattern.

Dr. Frankl also noticed that depressed people held the opinion that their lives were not going to improve. In fact, they were certain of it. This view did not square with logic. His work with suicide survivors showed that very often it turned out that there was a solution to the patient’s problem. There was not always an immediate solution but eventually their problems were solved. Their lives did improve. “Who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later?,” he’d often ask his patients. I hope you will consider this very question because it is a good one. Yes, things are not going well for you at this time but how can you be certain that in the future your life will not improve? The answer is you cannot know. “You have to survive in order to see that day dawn.”

You are assuming the worst outcome but you should also consider the fact that you may not be thinking clearly. Your judgment may be clouded by your depression. In fact, you share the same opinion that many of Dr. Frankl’s patients did. They were certain that their life would always be terrible but that was not true. Their judgment was incorrect. They were wrong. Why were they wrong? They were wrong because they were suffering from depression. They were close to losing their lives due to an error in judgment. Luckily, they averted tragedy.

Dr. Frankl also noticed, that among the individuals who suffered from depression, they lacked meaning and purpose in their lives. In other words, they had nothing to live for. Frederick Nietzsche, a 19th century German philosopher, may have also had a similar view when he said “he who has a why to live for can bear with any how.”

Three ways Dr. Frankl believes that an individual can create meaning and purpose in their life include: (1) helping others, (2) finding love (being loved or loving someone else) and (3) turning personal tragedy into triumph. The latter may be the most plausible in your situation because you’ve been suffering for many years. Maybe your suffering can be turned into something positive.

The aforementioned ways to improve your life should be attempted under the supervision of a mental health professional. I understand that you’ve been to many therapists and have also tried many different medications but I don’t think you should give up. Don’t stop trying until this problem is solved. Remission is possible but it’s going to require that you continue the effort to receive help. I know it is a difficult thing but this is your life and no one else can do it for you. There is a solution to your depression but it has yet to be uncovered.

Please consider returning to a therapist. The right therapist can make all the difference. I am not suggesting that therapy is the one and only way to recover from depression but if you were able to find a competent and seasoned therapist it could change your life dramatically. I hope you realize that there is hope for you.

If you are considering suicide then I strongly advise you to go to an emergency room immediately or to call 911. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Call that number if you are feeling upset or overwhelmed.

Thank you for your question. Please write back if you have any further questions. I wish you the best of luck.

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Depressed & Confused About What Is Real

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how can I explain everything, I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I am diagnosed as bipolar. I am medicated and I tend to be like accelerated most of the time. I don’t think I get depressed as much as before, but is very deep and out of sudden. For example, yesterday I was fine in the morning, it was a good day (normal), when I got home to have lunch, I felt so empty, like my essence was drained, I stayed in bed all afternoon, couldn’t eat, speak, anything, not even drinking water, I just stared the ceiling in silence, and sometimes I cried, no real reason.

I wrote to my psychiatrist and she suggested me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. I won’t be hospitalized again, I mean, I have no money now, and if I do it my family would be so mad and then they don’t talk to me, and everything gets harder. So, today I just breathe and left the bed. I can’t talk, eat, or drink water yet. I am following my routine, but with sadness and feeling my lips sealed. I don’t think in suicide, not like I wan’t to die, ’cause I don’t, but I walk in the street and feel so much pain, and then I think if I shoot my head (or something there are many ideas) this pain will end, and never return. And then I try to think something else, my plans, something happy, but I can’t feel it, I just feel and see pain and confusion.

And then I think, that my psych says I am bipolar, but there are voices, I usually have voices, just I have learned how to live with them, like not answer to them in public, and mostly they are nice to me, and give me peace, but then they say I am not human, all this sh.. is because I’m not human, and I am like enlightened and I have to do stuff, to save other dimensions and help nature, and they are stuff that si nice, but now they talked to me again and put images on my head, of myself destroying cars, and streets. I said I could’t do it alone, and they say they’ll do their part, dunno, a lot of stuff. And is easy when you have images in your head about stuff is gonna happen, but you don’t have to do anything. ‘Cause then I just have to wait and see, but now I have to act. And when they are talking, when God talks to me, I don’t doubt, just know have to wait for the signal.

And later, I’m not sure what to believe, I don’t know if I am meant to help clean the world and do what God says, if I am enlightened and like a “special being,” with super perception and can talks to the universe. Or I am sick, I don’t feel sick, but I have read enough to know sometimes bipolars does’t feel they are sick. I never feel sick, I’m not sure I am sick, and i was diagnosed long time ago. like 10 years i believe. And is hard ’cause mi mom thinks I’m like a seer or a witch, and my med thinks I am sick, and my dad thinks I need to go to AA, ’cause is just my emotions in disorder, but I usually don’t have many emotions. And I never know what to believe, and I’m old enough to know, but I don’t.

Sometimes I think I should talk to someone, but I can’t, I can write it, I write to my psychiatrist but don’t see her cause she is out of the country for a year or so. And sometimes I used to talk to her, but nobody else. I really don’t trust in people I know, so I don’t talk about myself, or give my opinion, I mean I know I love my family, so I have a good relationship with them, but I don’t trust them. And is worse with people I don’t know, I can’t even say hi to them, i move my hand or smile, but it takes months of seeing a person, every day to say hi. So I don’t know how can I help myself if I can’t talk. And my head is getting so confusing I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for bothering, and I hope it wasn’t very confusing what I write, sorry again but I don’t feel very clear. I would really appreciate some advice, right now i am a little desperate.

Thank you very much for you time.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult to feel as though you have no one to trust, to confide in or to assist you with these issues. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but she’s out of the country. Being so far away, it would be very difficult for her to effectively help you.

At this point, your symptoms are unstable. You are hearing voices and are having difficulty distinguishing reality from non-reality. The voices are giving you messages, essentially commanding you to behave in a particular way. It is abnormal to believe that you are receiving such messages and commands. Those are signs of psychological instability.

As difficult as it may be, I would strongly advise you to see a mental health professional. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in Mexico so I cannot provide specific recommendations for how to access help. Generally, you should contact a mental health professional. Report your symptoms to the mental health professional. Even if the prospect of meeting with a mental health professional frightens you, do it anyway. Your feelings of fear may be very real but you can override that fear with action.

At this time, your judgment may be impaired. For that reason, you should not ignore your symptoms and assume that you are okay. Your symptoms may fluctuate in severity from day to day but generally they are not likely to improve on their own. Your symptoms require treatment which may include medication or psychotherapy. I hope that you are able to acquire the proper assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Always Expect to be Left

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a sixteen year old female and throughout my life, I have moved cities very often and been to 6 different schools in 11 years of education due to my father’s career choice. Because I have moved around so much, it is very hard for me to make close friends now and to generally trust people. I don’t like making close friends because all I’ve ever known was that people always leave and they don’t keep their promises. I have no true friends that I’ve known for a while. I also have a hard time expressing my emotions such as sadness or pain to others. I’d rather keep everything to myself. How can I change this? I would really like to allow myself to become close friends with the friends I currently have.

Additionally, whenever I feel like I am getting too close someone, i tend to try to ruin the friendship by being over-bearing and acting on impulses. I would really like to know how can I let myself get close to people without feeling the need to shut them out and to pull away

What you are describing is very common in teens who have been moved about a lot because of a parent’s job or service in the military. It’s hard to settle into a friendship when you know you may be moving in a year or two. Many kids protect themselves from the hurt of leaving by never connecting. Sadly, that strategy means that you never get to have the kind of intimate friends that every teen wants and needs.

The good news for you is that you are part of the media generation. It used to be that once a family left town, it would be rare for young people to see each other again. Now, thanks to Skype, Facebook, and email, it’s really easy to keep in touch and for relationships to continue to develop even if you move 1000 kilometers away. Media contact can help you bridge the distance until you can arrange a shared holiday visit. I know of many friendships and several romantic relationships that are functioning this way very well.

Whether you get closer to the friends you have is a decision. It won’t happen automatically. It won’t happen because of fate or because the stars align in some particular way. You’re going to have to do things a bit differently. That means taking some risks with your feelings. It means letting others see who you really are. Yes, you’ll sometimes get hurt. That’s part of having relationships. But nothing hurts as much as loneliness and isolation.

Trust your instincts. Choose a couple of people who you know in your heart are kind and friendly. Then start slowly letting them get to know you. Keep it light at first. Find ways to have fun together and to talk about things that are important to you both. As you get more comfortable, open up more. If you do, I think you’ll find that it will feel more and more natural. You just have to do it enough to get yourself used to being closer. At 16, I’m reasonably sure that you have what it takes to work on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Ex Has a New Baby With Another Girl

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My ex is having a baby with someone else after just one month of ending our relationship. I’ve been having a very difficult time dealing with this. When me and my ex-boyfriend broke up we tried to be friends and hang out from time to time one day out of know where he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore he didn’t give me a clear explanation he just told me he didn’t want me to start to cling to him again. We haven’t spoken since. Later I found out the girl was pregnant at that same particular time and he had made her his girlfriend. I guess she was a rebound gone wrong and he is just taking responsibility for his actions but it still hurts.

I try to avoid my ex but I still see him all the time with his new pregnant girlfriend and we don’t say anything to each other. He completely ignores. Out of this entire situation what has hurt me the most has been his indifference towards me. So nonchalantly he pushed me away from his life like I never mattered. He ignore me like he never knew me. Its hard because not to long ago he was my boyfriend and now were strangers. I feel I might need some closure to tell him how I feel about how things have played out after our break up but I wouldn’t know how to start or what to say or even if he would care to listen. Some of my friends have advice me not to talk to him about my feelings and just try to let it go. I’m full of anger and hurt. I feel like he never cared about me, how did he replaced me so fast and erased me from his life. I don’t know how to get this all off my chest. How can I deal with my unresolved feelings and move on with my life?

There may be no easy way “to get over” the hurt you feel about of your ex. As time passes you will be less emotionally affected by the breakup. There is research that shows that generally by the third month, people feel as though they can “move on.”

What might help you in the meantime is to realize the truth of what may have happened. Your ex, in a very short time after breaking it off with you, had no problem entering into a new relationship with another female. What this may mean is that he was not invested in the relationship. The evidence is that after having just broken up he completely ignores you and shows a marked indifference towards you.

You also said he “nonchalantly pushed you out of his life as though you never mattered.” This is also very telling. This further suggests that he wasn’t very engaged in the relationship. If he were then he would too be struggling with the breakup. He does not appear to be. What’s the difference between you and he in this instance? You care and he doesn’t. The fact is that if he truly cared about you, then he would not have “nonchalantly pushed you out of this life.” The only way an individual could end a relationship and not care is not to have cared in the first place.

If that was your relationship with him – you cared and he didn’t – then it was better to have it ended.

There is another way to explain your ex’s behavior. He may have impregnated the other female and broke up with you because of the pregnancy. It’s also possible that he had been cheating on you with her and had to end the relationship with you when he learned she was pregnant.

You may never learn the specific reason why he broke up with you but what you can gauge from his actions, especially the indifference towards you, is that at least by the end of the relationship, he no longer cared.

I hope it’s evident that a person who could leave you so easily (as though you “never mattered”) is not someone you should waste your time and energy on.

I know you’re hurting now and you don’t necessarily want to wait to feel better. It’s not easy to endure emotional pain. For some people it can be almost unbearable. You will likely find however that the hurt you feel will lessen with time.

It does get better. I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for writing.

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How Do I Adjust to Chronic Pain?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was injured in a back country horse back riding incident in October of 2009. I fractured my pelvis on both sides. I went from being very active to living in pain until recently. I found out that a have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction and Piriformis Syndrome. I am now on Gabapentin and taking a round of steroids which seem to be helping I will also be starting physical therapy next week however I have suffered with this for over 3 years and have felt some depression and sadness over the time. I have had trouble adjusting to my limitations. I have guilt feelings due to my inability to work and help pay my share of the household bills. My son, his wife and 4 children live with us. I try to do my part by keeping the house clean cooking and taking care of the children ages 16, 12, 11, and 7. Yes they pay their part. How can I overcome my sadness in trying to adjust to this?

You are asking a great deal of yourself. Of course you have some depression. Chronic pain and the limitations that come with it will do that to a person. I’m impressed that you are engaged in your treatment and that you continue, rightfully, to be hopeful.

I worry that your guilt over being currently disabled is making you push yourself too hard. The body needs rest in between therapy treatments to heal. Do confer with your physical therapist about how much stress you should be putting on your body while you recover.

I do hope that your adult son, his wife and his kids are pitching in with the cooking and cleaning. You shouldn’t expect yourself to be the resident homemaker because you aren’t working for money right now – nor should they all expect you to be. It’s part of being a family to help each other out during challenging times. You would do as much for them. It’s healthy for kids to have regular chores and to have to do some extra tasks when someone is hurt or ill. It teaches them compassion and it prepares them to be competent adults. Even the 7-year-old can contribute by helping to set and clear the table and by making her or his own bed. It would be a positive role model for the kids for your son to do some of the cooking and cleaning. Young people now expect both genders to have homemaking skills.

You can make an equal contribution by reading to the little one and perhaps helping to oversee homework for the others. Giving the kids individual attention is just as important as cleaning house.

You’ve got a big family. As my grandmother used to say, “Many hands make light work.” Your focus needs to be on getting better, both physically and emotionally.

I wish you well in your healing.
Dr. Marie

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Trouble with letting go of my girlfriend’s sexual past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, I am a student who goes to Texas A and M University and I met the most amazing woman of my dreams about 7 months ago. She is everything that I could want in a wife, but she has a past that I have been struggling with ever since we started dating when she told me everything. I know I was meant to love this woman, but I am tired of her past still bothering me. It is not fair to my girlfriend or myself for her past always bothering me.

Her father left her mother once her mother became pregnant with my girlfriend, so she(my girlfriend) didn’t have a father for the first 9 years of her life until her mother married her current father. Also, she was sexually molested by her grandfather constantly from 4 to 6 years of age. Once she became a teenager, she was in 3 different relationships with guys who she gave oral sex to many times because she wanted to feel loved. She never felt truly loved as a child and I know that some of these later actions may have been caused by her difficult childhood without a father. Finally, she got into a fourth relationship with a guy who was not a very good guy at all. My girlfriend later found out that he had had sex with 32 previous women. Anyways, she gave him oral sex as well, but he kept asking her to have sexual intercourse, so she finally gave in and lost her virginity to him. Once they began having sex, she took plan B on two different occasions because their condom had broken. Consequently, she got on a birth control pill. She finally broke up with him, and I finally met her through church. She never felt loved, but always felt used in these relationships. I know all she wanted was to be loved, so that is why she did all these sexual things with these men. They would ask her for oral sex, and she would give it to them because that is what she thought was expected of her, and she didn’t know she was better than that. She told me everything before we became a couple, but I still can’t help but think about her past sexual relationships with other men. She has told me over and over how sorry she is for what she has done, and we both feel like we will become married one day. I truly do love this woman with all of my heart and soul! It just kills me and hurts my heart knowing that several other men have USED my future wife for their sexual pleasure in a way that I cannot stop visualizing in my head. Her future husband should be the only man who shares such intimate sexual experiences with her, no one else. I truly feel like I have forgiven her, but I can’t stop being bothered by three things:
1:She isn’t a virgin (and I am, so I can’t ever be her first)

2:She will always have those many sexual experiences and memories of other men no matter how much we love one another, and I am worried that it will always bother me that she knows several other men besides me, in such a sexual way.(and those other men will always have the memories of her giving them oral sex) I should be the only one who knows her in that way…

3:I feel like I have loved my future wife (whoever she may be) my entire life by remaining chaste for her, while if we do end up getting married, I will feel like she didn’t love me before meeting me since she did not remain chaste for me. I feel that one of the reasons I have such a tough time with her sexual past is the fact that I do not have a sexual past at all. My girlfriend is the only woman that I have loved. She will be all of my first and last sexual experiences, but I will not be any of her first sexual experiences.

My questions are,
1. What can I do to “get over” my girlfriends past with other men to stop my pain?
2. How can I begin to not think about or imagine what my girlfriend did sexually for those other men?
3. Is there something I can do to help me accept that she will always have those many sexual memories and experiences with those other men?
p.s. I truly do know I was meant to marry this women, so breaking up is not an option. I was meant to give her the love she has never had in her life, and I am sorry this was so long but this has been bottled up inside of me for so long, I need some help. I have talked to her about all of this a few times before, but it always hurts her to know I am hurting because of her sexual past. I am tired of bringing it up to her since it hurts her so much. Anything you can tell me is helpful. Thank you so much!

A: You are missing the most important point. Your girlfriend has never, ever had sex as an expression of mutual love. The sexual experiences she had were merely physical. In many ways, she wasn’t really even there at all. In order to tolerate what was happening to her, she had to emotionally check out. With you, she’s found someone who can love her and cherish her and who she can love and cherish in return. Tender, loving sex is as much a new experience for her as it is for you. In that sense, you are both “virgins.” You can show her something she only dreamed about in the past: that she can trust the man she loves to be as concerned about her needs as his own. So – please. Stop making a past unpleasant physical activity a barrier between you. That’s like holding it against her for being forced to do hard physical labor and pretend she liked it. Love each other. Enjoy each other. And make romantic sexual memories of your own — memories you will both want to remember.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Brother Psychotic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve talked with my younger brother recently ( he’s 19 ) and he has been telling me some issues that are going on in his head and then there are things I notice him do to. He always checks multiple times that everything is secure ( car, house lock, etc. ). Sometimes he randomly clenches his fist or does some weird movement with his arm as if venting anger waves. He is super down to earth and loves chatting up with random strangers, but his anger is a ticking time bomb. Things he has told me he does ( when no one’s home ) are talking to himself carrying on a two way conversation ( acting is a passion of his ), he’ll run around the house pretending he’s doing different things, and sometimes just spends a full hour or two doing nothing but walking around the house picking up things at times then putting them down and he hates how he does it but it’s just natural for him ( always daydreaming ). If he doesn’t have a hard days work he has insomnia symptoms. One serious issue is when he was younger he made up an imaginary younger brother, gave him a “life” / characteristics and even told friends about him. Eventually he “died” by murder of some enemies, and my brother actually would cry about it and feel pain + tell the story. Currently he has an imaginary boyfriend. To sum it up into my conclusion, he lives in a Fantasy world part time and reality the other. He also has Extremely unusual thoughts / fears and tells me he only is able to tell me this because it has been getting worse and worse every year since he was younger ( we had heavy financial issues, and he went to 4 Elementary schools, 2 middle, and 6 high schools. ). He tells me he feels disturbed and is scared that he will randomly snap and lose control mentally, but he tells me he would never want to kill someone innocent. He is extremely intelligent, optimistic, tenacious, and hard working he feels like a psychotic mess. Any idea what he is coming down with?

Your brother’s symptoms are concerning but without meeting him in person, I can’t identify a specific diagnosis. Over the Internet, it’s impossible to diagnose psychological conditions.

He checks multiple items to ensure that “everything is secure.” How often does this occur? If he checked his car and house locks once, or even several times a day, that would be normal. If he checked them 30 times a day, that would be abnormal and potentially a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m not sure I fully understand what you mean when you say that he randomly clenches his fists and moves his arms as if he is “venting anger waves.” Perhaps that is his way of physically expressing his overwhelming feelings of anger and rage.

His insomnia, his realization that his symptoms are worsening, and his belief that he is “disturbed and scared that he will randomly snap and lose control,” are all deeply concerning. Those may be signs of psychosis but he might be simply on the verge of losing control, perhaps due to anger and rage.

Determining the reason why he’s about to lose control is less important than preventing a violent incident. What matters most, at this point in time, is that he receives immediate help.

Your brother has told you that he fears that he may lose control. That means he’s on the verge of potentially harming someone and legitimately fears that it will happen. This is a warning sign. He is asking for help.

If he’s willing to be evaluated by a mental health professional, then take him immediately. He should also be evaluated by a physician to rule out a physical cause.

If you believe that he may be in imminent danger of hurting himself or someone else, then take him to a hospital or call 911. They can protect your brother from harming himself or someone else. Don’t hesitate to call the authorities if necessary. The best option may be to call the local mental health crisis team. They can come to the home, assess his behavior and determine the appropriate course of treatment.

Please be safe and don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed but Haven’t Sought Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Okay so for as long as I can remember I’ve had times we’re I would be really depressed sometimes. It started to become noticeable with my parents that I would ditch my friends and stay home and sleep. But I am not always that depressed, sometimes I like to go out and have fun with the few friends I do have, the thing is when I do go out we usually drink and it seems I can’t drink without getting so trashed I Black out every time. I even got dropped off passed out a few times and puked all over myself. Every time this happens I wake up feeling 10x more depressed than the last time, I feel worthless and sorry for myself and I really try not to. I had to take off of a semester of school and lost my job because I cursed out my manager when I was angry ( really stupid of me) and that was 3 months ago. Up until about 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t be caught going out, I would stay home and cry and even thought about suicide but I called a hotline after my mom threatened to take me to a hospital.

There are days I love to write and I am working on a story, some weeks I write chapters and I even stay up all night to finish them, and sometimes I don’t do any writing for weeks, it’s like my mind is on overload with doing everything a few weeks at a time to suddenly just laying in bed and generally being SAD and I just want to be happy. I’ve gained 20 pounds in 2 years and I am disgusted wit myself, I don’t even believe it when people tell me I’m beautiful.

Okay, all in all I just want to know if this is all normal, sorry for the long story this is pretty much the short version.

It’s unusual to have such great fluctuation in mood. It’s also outside the realm of normal to be considering suicide. Your mother was so concerned about your behavior that she threatened to take you to a hospital. Had she carried out her threat, it’s possible that you would’ve been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility.

Also concerning is the fact that you drink until you black out. The drinking leads to a significant increase in your depression. Alcohol is a nervous system depressant which may in part explain the elevated level of depression after drinking. The drinking and depression has negatively affected your social, educational and occupational functioning. You had to leave college because of the drinking and depression. You also had to quit your job because of your aggressive behavior at work.

To answer your question directly, none of what you described is “normal.” Severe depression, drinking until blacking out, suicidal ideation, having to leave college and having quit your job is all evidence that these problems are seriously and negatively interfering with your quality of life. You’re suffering as a result of these problems.

I would recommend seeking professional help. Meet with a mental health professional who can gather information about your psychosocial history and current symptoms and determine the best course of treatment. Psychotherapy and medication have helped many, many people experiencing a similar set of symptoms. Depression is a treatable condition but only you can decide to receive professional help.

You have endured the last few years of your life. You have suffered and while it shows strength and endurance on your part, it did not need to happen. Therapy would have, most likely, either eliminated or greatly, greatly reduced the pain that you have gone through. Few people would have suffered with a toothache for two years but those same people allow themselves to suffer with mental pain, which is at least as severe or perhaps worse, for two years or more.

I know it’s not that simple. Sometimes help is not available or we might not know how to get it, or our parents forbid it, etc. But once you are aware that help is available, you should make every effort to gain that help.

The problem is, for many people who fail to seek help, that they don’t know that they should. They think that a pain in a tooth deserves and is best served by seeking the help of a professional but not that their emotional pain is best treated by seeking the help of a professional. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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