Tag:

Personality Development

I Think I Have a Personality Disorder

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 16th, 2024

From a teen in the U.S.: I think I genuinely have a personality disorder because I’ve been suffering with behavioral peculiarities lately.

Ever since I could walk and talk, I had always been quiet and minded my own business. The presence of other people never excited me. I remember I never spoke to anyone even though I was perfectly capable of speech and I still don’t even now in some instances. At the most, I’ll communicate with signs to get what I need.

But with my friends, I’m completely normal.

Growing up, my parents had always gotten the complain that I lose my concentration easily and daydream way too much. It got so bad to the point where I lost precious things without even realising I had them rather lose them? Now I remember being told to do something by someone very clearly but when I asked them about it, they never even told me to do it!

Another thing is that my mood and emotions/feelings vary a lot. One day, I’ll like and think very highly of a person and the next day I’ll hate their guts and think the worst of them. I’m sure this isn’t normal. Same goes for my relationships with people, none of them are ever stable because I feel different things all the time and I can’t tell them.

I struggle with self-esteem and image as well. I had suicidal thoughts when I was 10 but never gave in to it but I did start self-harming which lasted for 3 years. I stopped when I cut too deep that I had to go to the emergency room. Although, I still have urges to do it to feel something because I always feel like nothing can ever satisfy me and that i’ve a void that I cant fill no matter what. I also cry very easily.

I maintain completely different images of myself with my family and with my friends. My family knows me to be a innocent and shy girl who doesn’t do anything bad or knows any vulgarity whereas I’m WILD with my friends. I also have a problem of over analyzing everything after acting out on impulse. Am I just overthinking or is it for real?

I don’t know if you have a personality disorder. Most teens go through periods of thinking and acting in ways similar to what you describe as they work on figuring out who they are. Most teens suffer from doubts about their self-esteem at one time or another.

What concerns me more is that you apparently didn’t get a mental health evaluation and treatment when you cut yourself so deeply. You have presented a very complicated picture of yourself. Your letter also shows me that you think hard about things and that you would do well in the give and take of an honest conversation with a therapist.

I don’t have enough information to give you a responsible response to your question. I encourage you to do for yourself what was not done for you when you were in the emergency room. Make an appointment with a therapist. Bring this letter to your first appointment as it will jumpstart your conversation. You deserve to get your symptoms and your apparent double life sorted out. If you could have figured it out on your own, someone as bright as you are would have done so already.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 16, 2024 0 comment

I Have No Idea Who I Am

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 17th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.K.: I’m not really sure where to start, so I’m going to vent. All my life I have felt disconnected and as a child I barely used to talk and kind of drifted my way through my school years, not feeling sad, but empty, waiting for it to end. I had no sense of direction or purpose (and at the time mental illness was never a thought that crossed my mind) but what upsets me the most thinking back is that there were clear signs that something was up with me and I wish someone would have stepped in.

I do remember that once I came home and cried once and told my sister that I thought I was depressed (which was hard because it was like showing emotion) my mam didn’t want me to take antidepressants, so I binned them and just shrugged everything off and said I was just having a rough week.

I feel like I don’t even have a personality and never know what to say (which makes me more socially anxious). Sometimes I would drink to get me through work and would even imitate people to try and get their “social energy”; until I soon tired of the act and returned to becoming monotone.

I always perceive other people as being fake, like most things they say are just empty words and it makes me feel tired watching their acts and I always get paranoid that the only couple of friends that I have left only ever hang out with me merely just to be with someone different and to show how social they are and how much they get out. I wish I was just being paranoid about the way people act and think, but from becoming good at reading people I’m always right. I don’t want to be in a relationship, and have drunkenly engaged in one night stands that I did’t enjoy, I don’t know why, maybe to show that I’m not broken or something.

I know I’m attractive and yet my self-esteem is shot and I feel like people only like me for my looks anyway. It’s as if I self sabotage my life at every opportunity and then mentally blame it on my family for being emotionally unavailable and for why I done bad at school. Yet, I won’t see a doctor because maybe I’m being paranoid.

I have no idea who I am, but can read others so well while I just keep acting my way through life.

Thank you for writing. I do sympathize with your pain but I, frankly, doubt that you are always right about people. The fact that you have a job and that there are people who still are willing to hang out with you suggests there is more to you than you think.

You say this has been going on for about 10 years. That’s too, too long. You are adding pain about your pain to the original pain. You deserve to get to the bottom of what goes on with you that you feel so detached yet angry. You need to do something different if you are to feel better.

The first stop should be with a medical doctor. It’s just possible that there is an undiagnosed medical issue like a vitamin or mineral deficiency or a thyroid disorder contributing to your problems.

If you are physically okay, then you really do need to see a therapist for a thorough evaluation. I don’t think you are paranoid. I do think you are scared. But until you see a mental health counselor, you won’t have any new information to go on and you won’t get treatment and relief.

All you have to lose is an hour or so of your time. Why not talk to someone who can offer you some answers?

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 17, 2022 0 comment

Do I Have Borderline Personality?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 15th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Italy: I’m a sixteen years old girl and I’m not english, so I apologize for any mistake in this text. I have been thinking I have bpd for more or less one year now and I did many research on this mental illness.

First of all I have always had problems with relationships, especially with romantic ones. I need to feel always loved and accepted. When I meet a person for the first time and we become friends or we get engaged I’m always like “I love you, I love you so much, you’re the best person in the world, you deserve everything, you’re my life!”.

I want to spend every single minute with them but I’m really afraid of stifle them and made them tire of me. I’m really afraid of them leaving me. If they don’t laugh at my jokes, I think that they hate me and that I’m really stupid. If they don’t reply to a message it means that they hate me and that I annoyed them. I’m really jealous of my significant others and I don’t want them to stay with other people and they must have only me as best friend, because or I have everything of them or nothing, no in between. But after a while I start to hate them. I’m always cold and angry towards them even if they don’t do anything. I don’t want to see them, talk with them or stay in the same room with them.

Another problem is my mood swings. The largest part of the time I don’t know why it happens. I can be happy and joyful one moment and the next minute cry on the floor of the bathroom for no reason. Or I can be sad and tired and after 5 minutes I can be angry. And almost always I feel empty (so I don’t feel nothing) and I feel like I have a black hole inside my chest.

Anger is another really big issue. I rage I’m scary: I yell, scream, I say really offensive things, throw stuff, fight… I can’t control it and it’s always a destructive rage.

And the last problem is self harm. I cut, burn with cigarettes, scratch until I see the blood. When I’m sad I often drink alcohol, chain smoke or smoke weed. Sometimes I think about suicide (it’s more like thought as “what happen if now you jump throw the window?”) but I’ve never attempt it.

Thank you for writing. This all sounds very painful. I’m glad you reached out.

I can’t give you a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can tell you that what you are describing is difficult to sort out. It is normal for a 16 year old to be over-concerned with relationships. It is not unusual for a 16 year old to not yet have had a romantic relationship. It is normal for teens to have moods that are all over the place. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a painful period of life for many kids. It does mean that we shouldn’t be quick to assign a mental illness diagnosis to something that may be equally attributed to life stage, physical stage, and/or lack of information and experience.

For that reason, I always recommend to teens like yourself that they first visit their medical doctor for a complete physical evaluation. There are hormonal shifts that occur at your age that can make mood unstable. Be sure that you take a sleep and nutrition diary with you to your appointment. A sleep disorder can also cause instability.

If you are physically fine, then make an appointment with a mental health counselor for a complete and thorough evaluation. The counselor can do what I can’t — hear your entire story. She will then make recommendations about what to do to take more charge of making your life and your relationships happier.

You are more in control than you maybe you are willing to acknowledge. Yes, you throw away your temper at times but you also draw a line somehow between some self-harming behaviors and suicidal behaviors.

You already know that avoiding your pain by smoking tobacco or weed or drinking alcohol isn’t going to make things better. What is far more likely to be helpful is to make those appointments. You deserve the practical help and support that professionals can provide.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 15, 2021 0 comment