From a teen in the U.S.: Just about anything can anger me now. Whether it is me stubbing my toe, my mom coughing or the neighbors making the tiniest bit of sound when taking out the trash. I used to be a volcano trying to erupt under ice, but now I’m a car that won’t stop running, and the only thing that keeps me going is adrenaline. I feel so angry about everything. About the people who bullied me, about my mom ignoring me, about my mom constantly checking her Facebook, about her rather going drinking with friends on a Friday, about everything. I am angry about every mistake that I have made, I am angry about every thing I’ve seen people do that was not okay, and I’m angry about every single thing that has been done to me, and I’m angry that these people are now “accomplished” and are happy with their crap lives. They have friends they go out with, they have always had friends, they have always had big smiles on their faces at school, but me? …
What angers me is hearing my mom chew w too loudly, her friend speak too loudly, or hear a BIG “GULP” when someone swallows water. My mom used to not think as much when she spoke, I don’t know if she’s the same today, but I remember that being the day I snapped, and stopped thinking before speaking, and I remember so clearly, that everything I said, I thought about before it escaped my mouth, and I’m not the same anymore.
Everything will piss me off, even my life pisses me off, and every effort I have to make, or make for myself, everyone seems to ignore. I have no friends, no one, and I’M ANGRY. I AM SO ANGRY. And sometimes, half of the time I think that what MAKES killers, is people who have been treated like me and believe it was unfair, and that’s when the super-narcissistic personality comes in, and so on. I used to think I was perfect, and say it all the time because no one liked me, and I suppose it made me feel better. I believe that if any normal person were me for a day, they would feel the anger, and they would not recognize the feeling – and feel the shame in every stare.
At only 14, you impressively articulate about the reasons for your anger. But here’s the thing: There are always lots of reasons to be angry if you are a sensitive person who is paying attention to the problems in the world. Anger isn’t your problem. Your problem is that you don’t know what to do with it and you don’t pay enough attention to the positive things going on to balance the onslaught of the negative.
For example: TV personality, Mr Rogers, is quoted as saying this: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers–so many caring people in this world.”
You need to develop some coping skills and anger management techniques for dealing with your observations of negative behavior. You probably need some therapy to deal with a long history of abuse and bullying. And you would definitely benefit from getting some coaching in social skills so you can make and keep friends.
In addition, you may have something called misophonia, an angry reaction to sounds like people chewing, swallowing or sniffing, or everyday noises that other people only find to be annoying. Take a look at this article for more information on that: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2015/08/misophonia_research_disorder_of_irritation_by_chewing_lip_smacking_sniffing.html
All this may sound overwhelming. But your letter demonstrates that you are a sensitive and thoughtful person. For someone like you, therapy often moves along quickly. Please talk to your school counselor or another adult you trust about how to find a therapist who works well with teens.
In the meantime, do consider talking to the counselors at the Boys Town Hotline. (Don’t be put off by the name. They talk to girls too.) Counselors are there 24/7 to talk to teens like you. Your call is free and confidential. Here’s the number: 1 – 800-448-3000. If you aren’t comfortable talking to someone, there is also the option to text or chat online.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie