Raymond Moody Archives

Q. I am a MTF TRANSSEXUAL PERSON (PREOP): I cant get a job, my parents are in USA. They don’t understand what am going through. I cant even afford hormones. I did a bilateral orchidectomy on myself and a month ago I tried to amputate my penis and I ended up in the hospital. They reattached the portions I had tried to cut and am just trapped. No doctor in Kenya will try this kind of surgery cause everybody is scared because there was this one case and the doctored died of depression related stuff cause of condemnation. I tried suicide the same time I tried to amputate my penis. I have been seeing psychiatrists and one of them gave some antidepressants. Imiprimine I think is the name. I want to kill myself by suffocating myself with carbon monoxide in my room. Its so lonely and tears are always in my eyes. I pass for a gal but you see the moment I go for interviews I get disqualified because in Kenya people don’t understand this things. Its miserable. I cant live as a man cause its depressing and I would rather die than be a man. I want to be a gal. Why are people so hateful. I lost almost all my relatives and I wish they were there to help me fight this thing. I have been planning to sell one of my kidneys so that I could raise some money for hormones and sex reassignment surgery but i don’t know where to start. I don’t have a religion i.e. the opium of the mass and I wonder why I dont just kill myself. I wish I was gone for ever. Last week I told my aunts th at I wanted to be creamted once I was dead and they don’t want it. They plan to bury me. I don’t want to decay. Am trapped. Whether dead or alive. Why do people discriminate against me.

It has been five years and I think I have to be courageous and end this cause its just to painful to be part of my everyday future. What the hell do i do?

I am sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult life circumstance but what you can’t do now is give up. Suicide is absolutely not the answer.

I have repeated the same message in response to many individuals who, like you, find themselves living through tremendous daily emotional and psychological distress. They too write that they have come to the (incorrect) conclusion that suicide is the answer. Please know that it is not.

With regard to your specific situation, you said that your psychological distress comes from several areas, one is that you want desperately to live as a woman and you cannot afford the operation and secondly you feel that you have no support from family and you even endure ridicule from others.

Unfortunately, there are many individuals in this world who are judgmental. As you seem to be experiencing firsthand, there are individuals who will judge you because they feel that you’re not “like them” or because you do not hold the same beliefs that they do. There are even some people who would not only judge you for your choices and beliefs but who would go out of their way to make their disdain for you known publicly as a way to humiliate you. The fact that people judge others is a sad and tragic part of our world. Society tends to criticize and punish those who they perceive as “different.” This seems to be what is happening to you, not only from others but largely from your family.

What is extremely important for you to realize is that it does not and should not matter what society and others think about you. Only your opinion should matter. Who knows you better than you? Who can say what is right for you better than you? Do you really believe that society or even those in your family fully understand what you are going through? It should not matter because only you know the truth about your situation.

Your challenge is to become immune to what other people think about you, to come to your own conclusions about what you think you should do with your own body and to focus on doing what is best for you. At this time you may not have the money to have a sex change operation but maybe in the future you will.

Here is another way to think about your situation. If your friend came to you with the same problem, feeling like a societal outcast, feeling desperate enough to consider taking his own life because of how others perceived him, would you suggest that he consider suicide? It is highly doubtful that you would advise your friend to end his life. You’d probably suggest that he seek help and to stop caring about what other people think of his situation.

Furthermore, there is no guarantee that ending your life would end your suffering. Even though it is not known what happens to us after we die or whether or not there is an afterlife, many distressed people assume suicide will help them out of their desperate situation. But what if it didn’t? What if they are wrong? What if suicide makes an individual’s psychological situation worse? The book Life After Life by Raymond Moody contains interesting antidotes of individuals who attempted suicide, had hellish near death experiences (NDE) and now believe that the act of suicide may actually increase their suffering after death, in the “afterlife” (if such a dimension exists).

You need more help than I can offer over the Internet and that is why I strongly suggest that you seek help either from a hospital (because of your suicidal thinking) or from a mental health clinician. You are not thinking clearly or rationally. Please recognize that suicide is not the answer and find yourself help immediately. If there is little help available, please try to realize that what other people think of you does not matter. Other people’s opinions should not determine how you think about yourself; those opinions are not worth hurting yourself for. Continue to be courageous as you have over the past five years and challenge yourself to stop caring about what other people think about you. And please try to find help immediately.

I really don’t care about reading all of these other people’s nonsense. I don’t want to be talked out of it. I want to know the best way without anyone knowing I committed suicide. I have been trying breathing toxic fumes, drinking a little acid at times, eating small amounts of acetone each day nothing is working. I don’t to die in a car wreck. I want to die of an ailment of somekind. I love my wife and she loves me. I am just tired of living. I am an iron artist and don’t make enough money. I am very tired and want very much to die. I saw a mental doctor of some kind and he said I was OK.

I understand that you do not want to be talked out of suicide but with all due respect, I am going to try anyway. If I were to answer your question in the manner that you requested, I would essentially be instructing you in successful ways to achieve secretive suicide. You are in essence asking me to be like Jack Kevorkian (the “Death Doctor”) and that I cannot do. You have the option to end your life but it is my opinion that you would be making a profound mistake.

Why should you not commit suicide? There are many, many reasons why and I name a few below.

Your wife and family: You wrote that you love your wife. If you love her and she loves you, then your loss will be devastating. The same is true for the rest of your family. Your family may suffer immensely, especially if they learn that your death was a suicide. You are attempting to die in a manner that would disguise a suicide but an autopsy would likely reveal the true nature of your death.
The struggles of suicide survivors: Related to the above reason is the immensely difficult struggle faced by the family members of individuals who commit suicide. This may include feeling guilty or feeling that they are to blame for “not doing enough.” Survivors have also reported feeling as though the loved one’s decision to end his or her life was their fault. Some report feeling “unloved” or believing things such as “he must not have loved me enough because if so, he would not have done this to me.” Anger is a common reaction as well. In addition, having a family member who commits suicide increases the likelihood that other family members will choose the same fate. For these reasons and many others, committing suicide is not fair to your family.
Your suffering may not end: You are assuming that ending your life will end your suffering but what if that is not true? No one knows what happens after we die. In the book Life After Life by Raymond Moody, he reports that individuals who have had near-death experiences, as a result of a suicide attempt, reported it as being “hellish.” Some reported that they literally believed they were entering hell. This was in stark contrast to the individuals who did not purposefully attempt to end their lives and who had near-death experiences. Generally, their experiences were positive and inspirational.
Matthew Dovel, author of My Last Breath, claims to have had both a heaven and hell near-death experience. Matthew was 12 when he accidentally drowned in a swimming pool. He described having a loving near-death experience. He believed that he had met his “Creator.” He then decided that this experience was so wonderful that he wanted to return. He decided to attempt suicide but the second time he had a very different experience. He described spending three days in hell. These experiences led him to start the International Suicide Prevention public charity program. What likely was his motivation? Was his experience a sign that committing suicide means more suffering in the “afterlife” versus less?

You mentioned that you went to a doctor and he or she assessed your mental health status. The doctor said that you are “okay” but perhaps you did not reveal how you were truly feeling. I would argue against the conclusion that you are “okay” because it is not normal to plot one’s own death. It’s a sign of depression. Spend all the time and energy that is necessary to get help. Effective treatments exist for depression. The proof is the fact that millions of individuals are helped every year.

One of the main reasons for wanting to die, according to your letter, is losing your job. Your worth and value as an individual extends beyond your career or employment status. I understand how devastating it can be to lose one’s job. The loss of a job includes a loss of income, a loss of health insurance, a loss of self-worth, etc. Understandably, this is an extremely difficult situation but things will get better. Life has many ups and downs. Just because life is difficult now, does not mean it will always be that way. I would strongly encourage you to reconsider the decision to end your life. Please consider going back to your doctor. Speak to him or her about how you truly feel. He or she could help you access treatment either in the form of medication or counseling (or both).

I understand that I have not answered the question that you have asked. My job in life is to help others, not help them to harm themselves. I hope that I have helped you, even if in some small way. I hope you get the help that you deserve. Please reconsider your decision. Consider the feelings of your family. They will be forced to deal with the aftermath of your death. Please take care. I wish you well.

Raymond Moody

Male to Female Transsexual

Secretive Suicide