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Roommates

Will this man ever grow up?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 1, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating this guy for about six years now. The first two years were great(keep in mind that he is a flirt, he justifies that by saying he’s a little on the heavy side so he flirts to see if he stills has it). He enlisted himself in the US Army, got sent to basic training and in the process I was giving birth to a baby boy. While away in training we discussed how we were going to move our relationship in another direction. We needed to get a place of our own because I had moved in with him and his mother.

When he graduated from the training and returned home, instead of us getting an apartment he decided to get a new car, new jewerly, and new clothes. I felt that he did not have his prioties in order. I left and moved in with my mother then later found my own place.

At this point our relationship is being challenged. I feel now that he has a little bit money he doesn’t know how to act. I distance myself from him. I feel like I’m raising this child on my own, going to work and trying to keep a roof over our heads while he’s out with girls, friends having a good time.

I don’t know what was going on with his mother’s situation but they got evicted out of their apartment. The mother moved into a room leaving her son to find his own place. I took him in until he found himself a place. The mother couldn’t get along with her roommates and the son did’t want to stay where he was. My boyfriend wanted us to move in together but I wasn’t sure that was the right thing to do. I didn’t want him to move in because I new he couldn’t afford to do his share. Somehow he convinced me that all three of us should move in together. By three I mean him, me and his mother. I know its wasn’t the smartest thing to do but he was the only child and his mother wanted him around in case something happened to her.

We all moved in and in less than four months things becomes ugly. We are fighting over petty things. Its gets to the point where the mothers changed the locks on us and by law that is unjust. The cops get involved we
(me my boyfriend and the baby) are now sleeping in hotels because the mother doesn’t want us in the house anymore. She went to the extreme by inflicting pain to herself then calling the cops explaining to them that her son had done that to her. Now he is being arrested for a crime that he didn’t commit.

All of this is taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do. What I am asking for is help on how to move on past the pain. There is alot that I havn’t mention because I knew it would be too much to read. I used to keep a journal but I don’t anymore because my boyfriend found it and read it.

I go through my boyfriends phone and emails because I dont trust him. I know that he is talking to other girls because of what I read on the e-mails and on the text message. I have even found pitures of naked girls on his phone. When I comfront him about it he says its just talk. When it comes with the pictures he says that he doesn’t ask them to send it, but he also doesn’t ask them to stop sending them either. I feel like I’m being played in this relationship. I stop telling him how I feel about things and our sex life has gone downhill tremdously.

A part of me knows that he loves me and wants to be with me but I dont want to nor do I want to feel like I have to be a detective in this relationship. Right now as of today, I do see a change in him as far as his responsibilities are concern. Keep in mind that he didn’t have a father figure in his life growing up. With that in mind, when does a person takes accountability for their actions and stop making excuses.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read what I had to say. If possible I would like to continue to discuss with you in greater details what is going on with me inside and with my relationship. I have invested alot of time, money and patience in this relationship and I want to know if it is worth saving. I don’t want my son growing up thinking want he is seeing is normal.

Please read your last sentence to yourself over and over and over again. It’s the smartest thing you said. You’ve been living a Jerry Springer life. It’s full of drama. It may even have moments of love in it. But it isn’t a stable and loving environment for a little boy to grow up in. As you present it, you’re the only one in this situation who has enough responsibility and maturity to make a better life for your son and for you. You made a good start at it once. It’s well past time to do it again.

Stop making excuses for the bf and get on with your life. Get a place of your own and get on your feet. Your mom helped you once. Maybe she will again. Get a job. Find good care for your boy while you work and make an adult life for yourself. If your bf wakes up and starts doing the same thing, then maybe you can consider dating him to see where it would lead. But please don’t base your decision on promises. Wait for him to actually do the things he needs to do to be a worthy husband and father.

You have done your best to help your bf and his mother. In return, they abused your kindness. Focus on yourself and your son where your efforts will pay off. It’s not possible for me to be your coach in this. But there are good therapists in your area who can. Give yourself the gift of having a professional in your corner who can both give you some practical advice and some emotional support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 1, 2024 0 comments

So quiet I can’t be heard

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 24, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m not a normal person. I have no friends, and no one that I can call a friend. I’m always pushing people away from me and I can’t create any relationships, male or female. I’m a boring person. Whenever I talk to someone I respect, sometimes I pray I’m not the only person in the room with them because I have nothing interesting to say to them. But my voice is also extremely quiet too. It’s so quiet. A lot of people I’ve noticed have an audible voice when they speak normally, but when I speak normally, it’s like my voice is below an audible barrier. When I try to speak up, it’s like I’m shouting and I don’t think clearly when I shout too. That seems to turn people off. In a group situation, I can’t speak audibly at all. My voice is drowned out, and the thought of how quiet my voice sounds turns me off from saying anything at all because no one can hear me so people talk over me.

I can’t hold a normal conversation with anyone or don’t know how. I always have to either be asking them a question, agreeing with them, or challenging something they say. All my roommates that I’ve ever had can speak to everyone normally and get an “excitement” response, but when I talk it’s like dull. I can sit quietly in a room with someone for the whole day and it’s awkward. I have a “caveman ridge” on my forehead, and my eyebrows are bent, so it always looks like I’m angry even when I’m making a normal face. Maybe this turns people off because whenever I talk with anyone, the reaction I always get from their body language is that I’m not approachable.

Even the biggest, most depressed “nerds” have a step up over me because they seem to have audible voices. And I wonder why they even lack confidence, when I’m so much worse. My voice is just too quiet. I absolutely hate social networks like facebook because I have to see old high school mates that I’ve tried avoiding and I’ve spent a year doing nothing after high school so I can only imagine they’re all working now or finishing grad. school while I’m still in school doing nothing.

For my whole life I’ve never approached anyone. I’ve always had people come to me ever since I can remember. All my old friends have approached me, talked to me first, called me. I’ve never called anyone. Therefore I can’t make friends, I can’t talk to anyone. I know some people are receptive and will be friendly when I talk to them, but I can’t get myself to do it.

I used to play games all day to escape my life. I study all day now to escape all of this. I get pretty good grades, but it takes me a long time to comprehend things, I feel like I’m slow in the head. I can’t think clearly on the spot. I can’t improvise or answer questions when the professor asks anything. My life is not organized at all. I spend too much time studying on things that are so easy, and I spend a lot of time in bed, maybe that’s a sign of depression?

I know that I can and need to change things, but I can’t be able to do anything about it because there’s something holding me back. It’s like I’m not meant to live that lifestyle. My socioeconomic situation is that I was raised by a single mother, 1 brother 1 sister, in extreme poverty. No money at all. My house is messy, I’ve always been embarassed to even tell anyone where I live because I don’t want anyone coming over. I’m a very prideful person. I’m ashamed to tell anyone all about myself because I have nothing to be proud of. No accomplishment I can be proud of. I can’t even get a part time job, pass an interview.

I feel like I’m depressed and can cry. It feels like I’ll be alone for my whole life. I’ve never had a girlfriend. My mother is extremely religious and forces abstinence on us. I use that as an excuse, but in reality, what’s holding me back is myself. I can’t relate to girls. I will never have anyone to love me. Part of that is because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. What makes me special? Why would someone want to live with me or be my mate? It’s like a trap I’m setting, if you become my mate you’re trapped.

I’ve been thinking about this for months and these are the things I’ve gathered about myself.

You’re right. What you are describing goes beyond shyness. Somewhere along the line you lost your voice. This can happen for a wide variety of reasons. Sometimes people are silenced by a traumatic experience; sometimes it’s a family style; sometimes it’s a symptom of depression; sometimes it’s a characteristic of Aspergers or some other syndrome. Without meeting you, I can’t help you sort it out.

Fortunately, there are people who can. You made a terrific start on the journey to healing by writing your letter. I suggest you set up an appointment with a mental health counselor and bring your letter. That way, you won’t have to talk to get started. A counselor will not only help you figure out what is wrong but will also help you set goals for change and support you while you work on them.

I did a web search of your city and was pleased to find that there are many clinics and services there. Please don’t worry about how you’ll come off when making that first contact. People who answer the phone at agencies are very used to people being a bit awkward or hesitant when they first call. You are only 22. Find the courage to take charge of this situation now and you could live your entire life much, much differently.

Your letter shows that you are thoughtful, smart, and insightful. You will probably do well in therapy once you get started.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 24, 2021 0 comments

Can’t Find Help For Depression and Self-Harm

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 17, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, Thank you for taking time away from your life to read this. It means almost everything to me at this point.

I think I’m losing myself… I can’t help but feel like I’ve messed everything up and it’s too late. I have gone through cycles of major depression for most of my life, but have never before sought help for it. I have been self-harming for over 10 years now, mostly cutting, and it has recently become a little worse in terms of depth and the lack of control I feel prior to making the cuts. I already live far away from any family, whom I barely speak to, and have recently found myself really pushing away my friends and roommates to the point that they no longer want much to do with me. It hurts a lot, because I care for them so much and do not understand why I feel angry toward them and push them away. Over the last month or so, I have experienced really intense crying spells (and I am NOT one to cry, even with reason) to the point where I feel completely out of control and almost can’t breathe. This happens almost every night now. I am having more and more trouble finding the motivation to do anything, and I think about suicide far more than I’d like to admit. I’m miserable and I absolutely hate myself for it.

I finally talked to my doctor, though I admittedly minimized much of what I am experiencing, and she has tried two different anti-depressants with no effect. I then tried to go to a therapist for the first time, and within 5 minutes of just going over my history, she turned me away and referred me someplace else and they do not have an open time slot for a number of weeks. (And, while I can see the irony in being rejected even by a therapist at this time, it doesn’t make the situation stink any less). I don’t know what to do, because whatever is happening is consuming and destroying my life. I’m not sure exactly what I am asking from you, but please, if you can, help? Anything… please.

Thank you,
-K

I am glad that you have written because it gives me a chance to encourage you to continue your search for professional help. You are on the right track. Seeing both a doctor and a therapist is exactly what you should be doing.

I would suggest contacting the new therapist to request a quicker appointment. The therapist might see you sooner if he or she were made aware of the immediacy of your needs.

I would also encourage you to revisit your doctor about your concerns. Report that your medication is not working effectively. Adjustments to medication are part of the process of finding one (or a combination of several) that works.

It is also important to be honest about your symptoms. As you stated, you minimized them in previous appointments. By minimizing your symptoms you inadvertently provide inaccurate information. This could have led your doctor to prescribe the wrong medication. Your doctor might need to adjust your medication based on the true nature of your symptoms.

If you feel that you might harm yourself, go to the emergency room. The hospital is designed to help individuals in emergency situations. The hospital can keep you safe.

I would also suggest that you be in the presence of others whenever possible. Isolation can exacerbate depression symptoms. Even if being in the presence of others makes you angry or upset, do it anyway.

Part of the anger you feel toward your friends and family might be due to resentment. You may resent the fact that they seem happy. You may also resent them for not doing enough, from your perception, to help you. It is normal to feel that way. Your friends and family may have a strong desire to help but are not sure how. They might also be unaware of how much you are suffering. The possibility that friends and family may struggle with knowing how best to help you underscores the importance of seeing a mental health professional. Mental health professionals are trained to know how to help individuals with the problems you have described.

It is not too late for you to get help. It is never too late. The reality of your situation is that you have been suffering for many years and you have yet to receive professional help. The positive aspect of this situation is that you are on the verge of getting the help that you deserve. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 17, 2011 0 comments

Problems Adjusting to College

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 3, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I’m a freshman in a college about 70 miles away from my hometown. I was very excited to start my new life here just a few months ago.

I moved alone and unknowingly into a extremely religious community. I have never been a religous person. My roommates and I are polite to each other, but I don’t feel like I really relate to anyone in this community. It’s not that we don’t accept each other, we just have very different ways of life.

I started working at a coffee shop as soon as I moved up here. I was terrible at it for the first 2 weeks. I have improved substantially, but for some reason my nervousness has not subsided when working with my boss. I stutter, mess up orders, and do things very clumsily. I feel as though she is always judging me or thinking I’m stupid. I know this is completely irrational, but I can’t seem to talk myself out of thinking this way.

At first, I was very enthusiastic about school. I have always taken pride in good grades. I would do all the reading and assignments. However, lately I can’t seem to focus at all. I can barely read any of the textbooks I found so interesting at first. I regret to say that my self esteem is suffering from this. I feel extremely dissapointed in myself for not focusing.

I feel as though I’ve gained weight. I eat not just a lot in general, but even more when I’m upset. It’s like the more empty I feel, the more I eat.
I met a couple guys up here. I was astounded and completely crushed to find that they wanted one thing and one thing only from me: sex. I’m happy to say that I declined, and I’m still a virgin. But then, I met another guy. We related on every topic. I have never had a connection such as this with any human being, especially guys. I fell extremely hard for him after only a couple times of hanging out. I opened myself up to him, told him things I’ve never told anyone before. Recently, he went to work in Hawaii for 3 weeks. He got back about 3 weeks ago. We have sparsely talked, but recently he apologized for being distant and told me he needs ‘time to himself’. Today, I found out that the one particular roommate I confide in and actually have a friendship with has been going behind my back asking to hang out and outrageously flirting with him.

I’ve been struggling mentally very much lately. Several things have been nagging and working on me including belief in God, the struggle for happiness, the question of whether morals are real, what’s right and wrong, and so on.

Also, I’ve always had a low self esteem, but it’s getting to me more lately. I think maybe this guy would like me more if I were prettier, or smarter, or better. I feel so insignificant to everyone around me. Even with my family members I feel so detached. I don’t even like to return their calls anymore. I know this is horrible and I know I’m isolating myself even more. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone in my life. I’m surrounded by people, but I don’t feel as though I have anyone to talk to that would understand the ridiculous things I’m saying.

For the first time in a long time today I thought about suicide. I feel so selfish and closed off to everyone around me. I don’t know how to open myself up anymore. I feel like everytime I confide in someone, they go away or deceive me.

I just don’t feel like I can talk myself better this time. Thanks for reading this horribly long letter. I really admire the work you do.

Moving away from home and beginning college are major life adjustments. Virtually everything changes and it is usually a difficult adjustment for most individuals. In addition, many people come to college with expectations about what college life is “supposed” to be. Oftentimes there is a discrepancy between expectations and reality. This discrepancy can lead an individual to feel out of place, despondent, confused, regretful, and depressed. Incorrect expectations may be part of the problem.

Keep in mind that the first year of college can be particularly difficult. People generally begin to make friends in the second semester or in the second year of school. Once you begin having classes with other individuals then you may get to know them and friendships can develop. If you had a support system or circle of friends, life in your first year of college would be much less stressful.

We know there is a problem but what is the solution? First and foremost, it is very important that you stop isolating yourself. This isolation is likely contributing to your negative thinking and your tunnel vision. Think of your isolation as the breeding ground for negative thoughts. The more you isolate the more likely it is that the negative thinking will continue.

Secondly, you could greatly benefit from professional help. The fact that you are considering suicide as a solution to this problem is evidence that you are not thinking clearly. Suicide should never be considered an option. It is always a sign of diminished problem-solving capacity and tunnel vision. The negative thinking is blocking your ability to be objective and logical. I would strongly recommend that you schedule an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation at your college counseling center. College campus counseling centers typically have good mental health professionals who are trained to deal with adjustment-related issues.

Finally, part of your discussion with a therapist should include strategies for decreasing isolation. Some ideas include joining a social or study group on campus. You can also meet new people by participating in extracurricular activities, attending workshops, or being part of a sports team. You should make an effort to have a meaningful conversation with at least one individual every day. I understand this might be difficult because your tendency is to isolate but you must force yourself to make a connection. It can be with a family member, a neighbor, a classmate, academic advisor or a professor. This can help to break the cycle of isolation.

Don’t give up hope. Many individuals experience a very rough start to college but it does get better. What is missing from your life is a supportive network. Begin developing that support system by meeting with a therapist. Try the counseling center on campus and if that is not an option, see your family doctor and ask for a referral for a therapist. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

January 3, 2011 0 comments