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Self Hatred

Stretch Marks are Ruining My Life

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I am only 20 and I’ve had stretch marks since I hit puberty. I was chubby when I was younger and I didn’t eat right. I think that’s the reason why I got stretch marks all over my body. Literally everywhere. On my arms, my breasts, my hips my thighs and knees and behind my calves. Some people think it’s over reacting, but I developed many issues because of my stretch marks. I love my body the way it is now and I know I worked hard to get here.

A few years ago I developed bad anorexia because of my body. I stopped eating, not to get rid of the fat, but to get rid of my stretch marks. It didn’t work. I still stop eating sometimes, but I’m not anorexic anymore. I also started self-harming because I was ashamed of my body. I still cut sometimes. I also do drugs and drink a lot cause I’m not happy when I’m sober I’m only hungry and happy if I smoke weed.

I hate myself to the extreme and I’ve tried suicide and I think of it all the time. I don’t know if I’m a danger to myself. The stretch marks are the cause of my depression. I disgust myself and I’m ashamed of my body. I quit studying, I can’t find a job, I don’t have a social life and I don’t think I deserve to be loved.

What man would want me? Why do I have these marks if I’m not pregnant or fat? I’m thin and I have a pretty face .Why did this happen to me? Men call me beautiful and funny. I feel like a fake propaganda. Their opinion isn’t important to me, actually. But I’m mean to myself. I don’t have self-esteem. I’m so lost. My body, my home is killing me. Living in this body is like living in a cave…and I just wanna leave. I wanna feel the sun in my skin and feel feminine and wear dresses and sleeveless t shirts and I can’t. Can you help?

 

A:  Please allow me to be very direct. Your problem is not your stretch marks, it is self-hatred. We all have flaws, both inside and out. Some folks hate their nose, some might not like the way they laugh, some people have lost a limb or breast to an accident or illness, some people suffer from mental illness, and some folks have stretch marks. My point is that none of us are perfect. Almost everyone I have ever met, both clinically and personally, has no problem coming up with a list of things they would like to change about themselves.

What matters in terms of self-esteem, is also being able to list the things we like about ourselves and developing the ability to put more weight on those things. Have you ever heard the story of a Cherokee legend in which an elder is teaching his grandson about the struggle between good and evil inside us all?  He uses an analogy of a good white wolf and a bad black wolf and basically states that the one we feed is the one that will live. Here’s a link to another interesting interpretation, stating that we need to accept both (or all) parts of ourselves.

http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=927

My point is that you can spend the rest of your life focusing on the parts of yourself that you don’t like, or you can spend your time focusing on what you do like. And as corny as it sounds I believe in the sage advice that “in order for someone else to love us, we must first learn to love ourself.”

You have allowed this issues to have way too much power in your life for too long. You blame your stretch marks for your depression, self-harm behaviors, substance abuse issues, unemployment, and social isolation. You don’t mention if you have ever sought professional help for any of these issues. If you haven’t, it is time. If you have and haven’t gotten the results you wanted, then I’d suggest finding a different therapist and/or psychiatrist who specializes in body image issues and depression. If you are still suicidal, please call a Crisis Hotline or go to the emergency room for evaluation. The issues you mention are serious and should not be taken lightly. Please get help now.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Sexual Aversion Interfering with Social Relationships

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 19 years old and soon to turn 20. I have led a normal, happy life but I’ve never taken much of an interest in seeking out new friends, other than a few close buddies, or engaged in typical teenager activities like going to parties or getting a girlfriend. Recently I built up enough courage to tell both of my parents the reason behind my introverted tendencies is a loathing of the idea of sex.

They did some research and seem to think I’m asexual. I had been doing research for some time before them and I believe I have Sexual Aversion Disorder. I hesitate to label myself with a “Disorder” because I do not view myself as needing to be “fixed.”

Ever since I was first capable of sexual feeling I have harbored an intense hatred for that particular part of my person. I know I’m not asexual because I still feel sexual urges just like most anyone else. However when I act on these impulses by way of masturbation I am afterwards flooded with overwhelming feelings of rage and self-hatred. Occasionally I will go so far as to hurt myself in an attempt to condition myself against doing it again. I feel as if I will never be able to wash away the disgrace of the terrible thing I’ve done. I have no history of past sexual abuse and the topic of sex was never considered taboo around my family, this is just the way I am.

This in turn has led to an avoidance of social interaction with my peers. I never went and hung out with my high school buddies because I was afraid I would inevitably find myself confronted with a sexual situation.

It’s for this same reason I never took the effort to try and establish a relationship with any girls I liked. I could never bring myself to be sexual with someone I might come to care about. I feel as if love is this intensely beautiful and spiritual bond between two people and sex is this horrible vile act that’s degrading to both people involved. I always wanted to try at a serious relationship, but I looked around me and saw nothing but temperamental flings and one night stands at parties. I knew I didn’t want something like that. I couldn’t bring myself to take the effort to get to know a girl only to have to tell her something along the lines of “I really like you, and it’s for that reason I don’t want to have sex with you.” That would be awkward indeed.

I don’t want to spend my life as some kind of recluse because of this, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know where to turn or what steps to take next. Should I be talking to a professional? Or is there something else I can be doing to work this out? I really appreciate any advice I can get. Thank you.

Sexual desire is a biological urge. Hunger is also a biological urge. You should feel no more guilty about experiencing sexual desire than you should about experiencing hunger. Both are natural, biological urges. Once those urges or needs are satisfied, you move on. Sexual desire is a feeling that should produce no guilt or shame. You don’t eat every time you are hungry but you shouldn’t feel ashamed of feeling hungry.

At some point your life, you came to associate sexual desire with something that is shameful. It’s likely not something that you can remember and it may have been a benign event that led to the association. You stated that you do not have a history of sexual abuse but many people who have been sexually abused have no memory of the event, even multiple events.

A sex therapist could assist you with this issue. A sex therapist is an individual who specializes in the sexual aspects of relationships and helping individuals to develop a healthy sexual life. As you noted, this issue has prevented you from developing healthy relationships. The inability to participate in romantic relationships will disrupt your happiness. In that sense, this is a major issue that needs to be addressed. Sex therapists deal with these types of issues on a regular basis. Don’t ignore the issue or simply hope that it will go away. With treatment, this problem can be resolved. You may only need a few sessions to break this association. I hope that you will consider it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel Like I’m Too Young to Have Thoughts about Hate & Self-Loathing

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I just started sophomore year and things suck. My parents get mad at me for every little detail of my life. I have okay grades and shitty friends. Worst of all I hate everything that is breathing, heck I hate object too. Today I thought to myself I hate everything, but jokes on them I hate myself more.
When i sit by myself thinking anything other than school, I like to think of anything that has made me feel like a bad person. I have to drown it out with music or podcasts to drown out my thoughts. I have trouble sleeping during the night without videos.
I used to cry to make me feel better but sense being deemed a cry baby by other and myself, I stopped. I barely smile, but when I do its fake. I fake laugh more. My friends don’t treat me like another person, casting me aside for others. I have this one friend Lara and she is the nicest ray of sunshine and she is so nice, but i get jealous and envious of her happiness.
Another reason why I hate myself because I cant cut myself, I’m too afraid of my parents saying “you only have one body that God gave and you should respect it”, if i hear that one time I swear I will scream.
My mom hates me, and says how I’m a brat when I talk back to her. My dad is the scariest person you will ever meet when he gets mad (the only time I cry is when Im with him).
I play a sport and I used to love it but know I am learning to hate it like everything else. I’m too dumb to get into college for Knowledge
I want to leave the stupid state that I live in and live somewhere were nobody knows me and they don’t have any ideas of who I am. Like I want to be someone else who isn’t me with my stupid problems. That don’t even amass to the problems that other people have to deal with.
The only person I truly love is my sister and she is gone at college. I can only see her on the weekends sometimes.
I feel like a waste of time and only think that the future will worsen and I will never find love or a decent friend. Hopelessness=Me.

The transition to adulthood is very difficult. Parents almost always overlook this fact and the child who is making this transition, simply does not have the experiential base to understand this fact. I think it is safe to say that every “healthy” adolescent suffers greatly during this period. I would be quite suspicious of the overall health and potential of an adolescent who does not suffer during this period.

This is a challenging period of time. It is a time when you need to discover who you are, what will make you happy, are you lovable enough to be loved, will you ever find someone to love you, what career should you choose for yourself and of course hundreds of equally important questions that must also be answered.

It is a time when you simply “don’t know” but a time when you will begin to find the answers to that which you, simply “don’t know.” It is a time when adolescents often turn to drugs, begin to cut themselves, withdraw from their friends and family, and become deeply immersed in their own thoughts. Put simply — it is a time of change and that change isn’t easy or pleasant. The typical reaction from parents is to repeat endlessly, something like, “don’t worry, it’s not so bad, it’ll all get better, you are worried about nothing, just get up and move around, why don’t you call your friends, cheer up — your father and I love you.”

What I am telling you is true but you don’t know me from Adam. Why would you believe me and why should you believe me?

I’m afraid I can’t offer you a convincing argument.

I went to school for a very long time. I am well and thoroughly credentialed. I have studied issues pertinent to mental health with both a fervor and a love but still — we don’t know each other. I deeply believe in the correctness of what I am telling you. You don’t have to believe in me, you just have to do your own work to find out that what I am telling you is true.

It is true and someday you will come to find the truth in my words. Still, you don’t know me personally.

That’s where counseling comes into play. You will get to know a counselor from your personal interactions. You will go in there every week and you will get to judge not only their words but they, themselves. Maybe, you’ll decide that “they’re not too bad and that they probably know what they’re talking about.” That would be a good outcome.

Words on the Internet, can help but they are not counseling, not close, not by a long shot. Counseling can really help to make the transition from adolescence to adulthood, easier — very, very much easier. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I’m Tired of Thinking My Life Is a Waste

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Well, here it goes:

I hate myself and don’t like most people. I’ve pushed my friends away/out of my life. I feel I can’t talk to my own family about my real feelings. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship in 20 years (since high school), which only magnifies my self-loathing. I have zero self-confidence. I’m in a career that pours machismo, which I have none. Most every day I have thoughts of the “s” word, and this has been consistent since Jr. High.

My social anxiety has spiraled to the point where I never leave the house (I peer through the window before I even get the mail or take out the trash). No social media because my heart beats out of my chest making a simple comment. It feels like the universe throws every possible obstacle in my path. I always end up feeling worse.

These are just a few of a long list of issues I grapple with every day. I tried to drink away my feelings during my 20’s which culminated in a 30-day stint in rehab by age 32. I have not had a drink since and I don’t take drugs, other than smoking weed since age 13.

I fear antidepressants because I don’t want to become dependent. On past doctor visits, even though it was on the tip of my tongue, I was too embarrassed to ask about depression. But I feel I’m at my wits end, which has led me to create an account and “ask a therapist”. The only thing I feel is in my favor is an incredibly strong sense of empathy towards everything, especially animals. Crazy, right?

Nope. Not crazy. Probably you are suffering from depression as well as social anxiety.

Stop kidding yourself, please. Yes, you are taking a drug. The weed isn’t helping you one bit. In fact, although it may make you feel a bit better, it is probably contributing to the problem.

You already know that you need help. That’s why you wrote to us. Now please follow your own good instincts and get the help you need and deserve. Start with a complete medical check up to make sure there isn’t an undiagnosed medical issue that is part of the problem. Do be honest about how often you are smoking weed.

Then ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed therapist. The first thing that will happen is a thorough evaluation. Then you and the therapist will talk about the therapist’s recommendations.

Medication may or may not be recommended, but it is at least something to talk about. (A course of prescribed medication will probably do more for you than marijuana.) But even more important will be getting to the root of your feelings and providing you support to take the necessary steps to change your life.

Please follow through. You are only in your 30s. You can have decades of good life ahead of you if you take care of yourself by getting the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Who Am I and Why Do I Feel So Out of Place in this World?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m a 23 year old male living with my father in an apartment. I find that I have no motivation, fail at everything I’ve attempted so far in my life, and reflecting on myself, I have come to a conclusion that I actively hate myself, to the point I think I may be self-sabotaging… Some days I want to die… just end everything, but I have always hated the idea of suicide… And am too afraid of hurting those who care for me, and I feel like killing myself would only result in dumping upon them all the unresolved problems I leave behind… My life is a mess… I have no job, have dropped out of school and am facing massive debt… and all because I can’t stand my existence… I even sabotage all my friendships… and by the time I realize it, they’ve moved on. Who am I? Why the hell do I feel so disconnected from everything… including myself? I can’t sleep at night because I can’t shake these questions out of my mind… and when I do sleep, the same questions haunt me in my nightmares… I’m lost…. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried telling my family… but they don’t understand my reasoning… and I’ve hurt them so much by my actions (or lack thereof) that feel like they’re giving up. I want to know why I feel so out of place in this world… like I’m so different that I can’t even relate to the people around me. One reason I can’t make sense of it, is that I’ve committed to certain things before in my life without a second thought… such as not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes… being kind and considerate to others… and being patient and level headed. Why can’t I apply that same tenacity to anything else? I’ve tried… but I can never manage to pull it off… I know asking these kinds of questions online is not always reliable…. but I have no one to turn to… and no money to invest in serious counseling… so I don’t know what to do. Any advice… anything at all… even an angry or hateful response… is appreciated, I just need SOMETHING. (age 23, from US)

First of all, there is no way that you can fail at everything you’ve attempted in life. You need to examine the “measuring stick” that you are using. Maybe you are struggling with school and employment right now, but using some of your other examples like committing to not drinking or smoking, practicing patience and being kind to others are things that other people struggle with (even people with stable jobs). All of us have strengths and weaknesses. All of us have things that come easy to us and things we really have to strive for and put extra effort into. It’s part of being human.

If you are not finding helpful answers within yourself right now, it is time to look elsewhere. If you are feeling disconnected, then you need to search for ways to connect. Therapy is certainly one way to do this and you can look into what services your local community mental health center has to offer, but you may find other ways to feel more connected as well.

Try volunteering for a cause you care about, try a new hobby, or take one class in college instead of taking a full load. Set your goals small so that you can begin to feel some success and then build on this. Give yourself chances to discover things you enjoy outside of yourself and hopefully this will lead you to discovering things within yourself that you can embrace. Just don’t give up. There are many, many successful people in our world who floundered at some point in their lives.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Lost My Youth to Eating Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a male, 23 years old, and I suffered from anorexia nervosa for over 6 years. I recovered at 21 years old without any professional or family help and it wasn’t until i was 22 that i told family and friends that i once had the disorder. They were both angry and not surprised.

I’m terrified of what my life turned into during that stage in life. I became so completely consumed with by the disorder, enveloping myself with these figments of imaginary fat on my body while I completely forgot to grow up, to be responsible, to be social. I’m only now graduating college. I went part time through much of my college career due to health issues or cancellation of courses by the university.

I feel like a huge part of me froze, the part that was to develop into this young man. Instead, after recovering, i see how stunted I am. Physically I look 18, emotionally I am not ready for any kind of relationship, I just recently learned to drive, and have yet to begin my career. I feel like anorexia took a huge chunk of my life that i can’t even remember.

I work, have a large circle of friends, currently finishing up my final semester at the university, doing multiple internships, and trying so hard not to feel hatred for what I’ve become. I have this intense need to play “catch up” with my life, to be the perfect whatever, to make up for lost time. And to always remember not to overdo it with the dieting.

I’ve been taking initiative these past 2 years but…at 23 years old I already feel like I lost my youth.

It is an insightful observation that your emotional and psychological growth may have been stunted by your eating disorder. The unfortunate results of that observation, however, are your feelings of self-hatred. Those are difficult feelings to live with. Because of your unhappiness, I would recommend counseling.

Many people enter counseling when they are unhappy with their lives. To find the best therapist, begin the process by calling at least five to 10. Be detailed about what specifically you would like help with. Ask them about the type of treatment they would offer. You may feel a connection to one or several of therapists on the phone. Choose several promising therapists and visit them in person. Continue this process until you find a therapist with whom you feel the most comfortable. That process should help you find your best match.

Once you begin therapy, you should quickly begin to feel progress, though it may be slight. You should feel a little better after each session. Each session should leave you with something to think about. Therapy is not always an easy process but it is worth the effort.

I also want to congratulate you on overcoming a very serious mental health condition. I’m sure that was not easy and your story is an inspiration to others. You should be proud of your major life achievement. It would be a mistake to minimize that successful aspect of your life. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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