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At the moment, I’m so mad at myself. It seems like everything I do just goes wrong and it’s bothering me and whenever I try to change a habit, I give up on myself so easily.

Right now, I can’t go back to college because I owe money and I decided to go to an expensive private which is an avoidable mistake. Yesterday, I failed my license test for the third time because I drove over the stop line, also easily avoidable. About a week ago, I had a job opportunity to assemble cell phones but due to failing my assessment test, I blew it.

Overall, there’s just this cycle of failure that constantly happens in my life and I can’t live with it. I feel like I’m not good enough because I can’t ever achieve anything I try and it just really bothers me. I’m 19 years old, never had a job before, overdependent on my mother, never had a girlfriend before and I always give up on myself when I try to change a negative habit.

I understand that there’s worse going on in the world but I can’t love myself when it seems like all I do is fail. Even as a kid, I was always the one that was bad at sports and learned how to ride his bike later.

I just don’t know what to do. Every piece of advice I’ve gotten hasn’t worked and I’m just really scared for myself. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m always just going to fail.

This sounds very painful. At this point, your conviction that you are going to fail is at least partly what is making you fail. When we focus on the possibility of making a mistake, it’s almost inevitable that we will do so. You need a big boost in confidence and courage so that you can start laying a foundation of successes to change your image of yourself.

Please give yourself a break. It’s not at all unusual for a 19-year-old to still be working on separation from parents, to not have a partner or to not have had a job. It’s not unusual to have a crisis of self-confidence and self-esteem at your age, either. The issue is not what has been but what you are going to do about it now.

Here are some steps you can take to make some progress.

First, you need to get more active. If you can’t find a job right away, start building a resume by volunteering. Human services never have enough help. Look into opportunities in your community and offer your services. It will give some structure to your days and a way to be useful.

Second, find people like yourself to hang with. Not everyone is an athlete. Not everyone is ready to date. Identify a cause or activity that you truly enjoy and find out where people your age are doing it. You don’t have to make instant best friends. But you do have to start hanging out with people so you can develop your social skills and start to create a support system of peers. Just working (or playing) side by side with people will help you start to feel comfortable. Some of those coworkers may evolve into friends.

Finally, understand that we rise and fall to our own expectations. If you expect to fail, you will. If you know your own strengths and play to them, you are more likely to succeed. Check out the Authentic Happiness Website at UPenn and take the Signature Strengths Questionnaire. Identify the strengths you already have. Then work with them. These are the foundation for being more successful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am having a problem with my father. My entire life, he has been high strung, easily angered and obsessive. I am a recently graduated with my masters degree, and a year out, I am just now starting to make money as a freelance designer. I often, because of the tough economy, have to make tough financial choices. I cannot afford even the basics sometimes. My father helped me through graduate school financially, but he used this help to control me. Because of this, I have slowly cut off my dependence upon him, even if that means not being able to pay all of my bills. Because of this, he throws fits. He even does things like forge my signature to purchase things like insurance for me, that I am trying to get rid of, because I can’t afford it. (these are things he was helping me with during graduate school) In addition, he is impossible to be around because he is constantly on edge. As an example, he constantly honks at other drivers, screams at my mother and he will not relax or sit still even for a moment because he literally, checks his bank account, out of a fear of error, 5 or 6 times a day. I tried to calmly talk about the situation with him, by telling him how it is affecting my life and that of the other people around him. I suggested that he think about therapy. He refuses to talk about it. It is now to the point where I can’t stand to be around him anymore and I am afraid my family is going to split apart because of this. BTW, my mother, brother and sister essentially feel the same way about him to varying degrees.

It seems as though, thus far, you are handling the situation in an appropriate way. You are relying on your father less. That is what you should be doing.

Unfortunately, you cannot force your father to change. You suggested therapy and he said no. You also attempted to explain your feelings to him, to help him to understand your point of view but he did not “hear” you. For him to agree to therapy, and thus begin changing his behavior, he would have to recognize that he has a problem and also be willing to do something about it. It does not seem as though that is going to happen, at least at this time.

Since it is unlikely that your father is going to change his behavior, then you and members of your family are going to have to change your behavior. In essence, the way you interact with him will have to change. For you, it may mean having minimal or no contact with him. This may be difficult, especially because of his controlling nature but it may be the only way to effectively deal with your father.

My recommendation would be to consider therapy. You may want to try individual therapy or with other members of your family. A therapist could gather many more details about your family situation and advise you about how to appropriately alter your behavior when interacting with your father. There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with those who are controlling.

When and if you do change the way you interact with your father, he will likely protest. There is also a good chance that he will attempt to increase his controlling behavior. For these reasons, it is important to have a therapist who can effectively guide you through this difficult process. I hope you consider it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Constant Failure

Out Of Control, Controlling Father