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I Keep Failing as a Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 24, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a single mom of a 20 month old little girl. She and I moved out of her dads home last November 2011. He and I stopped attempting to have any type of relationship earlier this year after I got fed up with him always dating Multiple people and never making my daughter and I a priority. So now I am on my own in an apartment taking care of her with zero financial help from him. Things are extremely tight financially for me. I have a full time job but I don’t make much. It’s so bad that I can’t even afford my own car or even day care for my daughter.

I have to use my mom and her other grandmother for help wih care while I am working. My mom also drives me everywhere that I need to go because of not having a car. It doesn’t seem like the worst situation in the world but to me it feels that way. I feel this way because first not having a car causes some major issues. 1st I don’t always have a way to pick up my daughter And her father helped with this up until the last month. So I am stuck scrambling around trying to make sure she is home safe everyday.

Now I have help with care but it’s not always safe help in my opinion. My daughter spends most of her time with her dads mom and she is a daily weed and cigeratte smoker in front of my daughter. She also doesn’t live in one place so where ever she is is where my daughter has to go so that I can work. Sometime she is even in a house full of strange men and it scares me so much because I don’t want anything to happen to my daughter. I used to have panic attacks after dropping her off because I was so afraid.

My own mother won’t watch her for a huge portion of the day because she doesn’t want it be bothered with her. She feels like she already has to drive me to work so why watch her too. I’m so constantly stressed about it all. Worrying about my daughter worrying about money and how I am going to pay for everything that I am constantly thinking of the worst things that can happen. I have panic attacks all the time.

I’m so ashamed of my life too. I lie to everyone about the simplest things an after I do it I can’t understand why. The lies build up and I can’t seem to find my way out of them. I can bare the thought of people knowing how awful my life really is.

I also eat for comfort. I have gained so much weight that I have gained over 30 pounds in the last year. I hate myself for it so much. For everything actually. It’s too the point that I can’t even look at myself In The mirror because I feel so ugly. I am so overwhelmed.

Right now I am one step away for losing our apartment and all I can think of is maybe I should give my daughter up for adoption. I can’t provide for her and she deserves south better than me. I’m not a good mom. I love her and try my best to make sure she gets what she needs like protection when I’m not around. I may always be this loser and I don’t want her to have me as a mom and be so disappointed to be related to me. I feel like I need some serious conuselling but I can’t afford it and I wouldn’t be able to get there if I could.

I used to always feel suicidal but since my daughter was born I don’t want to kill myself anymore. But I do feel down all the time. I never want to socialize or do anything normal but be her mom. I don’t feel worthy of other people. So why should I go out with friends. I hate my life. I hate my job and I think that I am starting to not want to be a mom anymore. I can’t handle it. All the stress and the no time away from my daughter is too much to handle and I feel like I am at my breaking point.

Please stop beating yourself up. Sometimes life is indeed very unfair. You are right to be worried about what your daughter is experiencing in her grandmother’s home. You have every right to be anxious about your entire situation. Feeling overwhelmed is absolutely normal when you’re in an overwhelming situation!

You need help, not judgement from your mother, from your ex, or from yourself. Please contact the Department of Human Services in your city. Make an appointment with a counselor to talk about what benefits are available tor a signle mom. You may be entitled to help with paying for a licensed childcare provider. You may be able to get help with housing, job counseling, and other assistance. They may also be able to help you get child support from your daughter’s father.

Please don’t be embarrassed to look for government help for now. It’s there for just this kind of situation. You’ve done everything you can to do things on your own. Now you need a boost to make a good life for yourself and your daughter. Once you get some relief and feel more stable in the present, you’ll be able to figure out what you want for a future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 24, 2021 0 comments

Rape And Current Relationship Problems

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 26, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

This is a complicated story so bear with me. I was 12 years old when this happened. It was the beginning of seventh grade, and I had noticed my friends had started cutting as means of attention. This was just a lot to take at night and I wanted to escape this world that they were in, so i started sneaking out of the house and walking around the neighborhood before my parents woke up. On one of these walks a car pulled up to me. The driver’s name was Amber. She was 21. she would become my “girlfriend” of sorts. with her was a man named sam. he was 19. i had hung out with amber sam and their friends for months. One april night we were all drunk around a campfire. Sam had brought me into the woods away from everywhere else. I knew he had raped me, but i cant remember the sequence of events (I only learned about the event because it was videotaped by one of amber’s friends) She sent me home and told me never to come out and walk the streets again. I promised her, went home and went to bed. Fast forward to now. I have a boyfriend right now and i have lots of relationship issues with him because I get very defensive around men, esspecially those closest to me. But the thing is, i love sex. the act the feel and just beijng with another person. Im so confused at why my boyfriend doesnt want to have sex with me. Does he not love me? Ive always thought intercourse was the only real kind of love. I habve cut, i do drink and i am a smoker. Can you please help me understand my situation?? I thought rape victims were supposed to resent sex..and how can i reconnect with my boyfriend??

I am sorry for the trauma you have endured. I can imagine how difficult it has been for you. The fact that the rape was videotaped is disturbing. The videotape could be important evidence in a court of law. I would recommend consulting with law enforcement officials regarding what legal recourse you may have.

You mentioned that the rape occurred while you were intoxicated. I am concerned with your drinking. I am also concerned that you have yet to seek psychological help for the rape, and you are cutting. Drinking and cutting are signs of emotional instability.

You are confusing sex and love. This is not uncommon especially at your age. You have a need to both express love and to receive love. It is an important part of human nature. Sex can and often does occur outside of love. People can have sex with someone whom they not only do not know well but with someone whose name they do not know. “One night stand” is an expression that fits this behavior.

Love builds slowly and exceeds all things including sex. You stated that you have “always thought intercourse was the only real kind of love.” You can have intercourse with someone you love, or do not, but you cannot produce love through intercourse.

Sex can exist outside a relationship. Love can only come from within a relationship. You state that you are having relationship problems. I would recommend that you begin counseling to help you with relationships. It is all very confusing but a good therapist will be a valuable asset in helping you to both understand and function successfully in a relationship.

There are many reasons why your boyfriend would not want to have sex at this time in your relationship. Perhaps he is confused, afraid, or simply wants to wait. You should not see this as an indication that he does not love you.

If I can help in any other way, please do not hesitate to write back.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 26, 2011 0 comments

He feels completely hopeless and can’t get help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 18, 2009

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am in College in my senior year and the last three semesters I have bombed. I can’t focus on anything I do. I fall way behind in school. I am always angry. I constantly seek out distractions just so I don’t have to deal with life. I play video games most of my waking hours. I hate everything about life and feel the world is about to end anyways. I hate myself and think myself to be ugly. I have thought about death a lot but because I believe in hell I think it would only get worse so I feel very trapped in a miserable existance. I can’t focus on anything and doing some of the most minor things requires a lot of effort for me. I feel numb inside sometimes and empty. The depression gets so bad it turns to physical pain like a knife in my heart and cold. I feel lonly but afraid of most people especially women and prefer to be by myself. I am 26 and never been in a relationship but as of lately I stopped caring. I was molested at a young age by several guys that I barly remember but enough to haunt me. I often feel like I am being laughed at by others around me. I feel I can’t go on any more. I feel drained all the time and kind of dead inside. My mother is a sever alcoholic who makes up a lot of stories that are not true and when I was younger tried to turn me against my father. She is a compulsive smoker who acts like she is always the victim and its everyone elses fault. I want help but have little money. I have talked to counsolers before but mostly they just say think positive which just makes me angrier. I have trouble keeping up with it and just fall into isolation over time. I feel overwhelemed with all kinds of problems but cannot get any real help. I can’t afford medicine and without any help it is very hard to live on my own. I tested for Asbergers which reveal that I probably have it but their is no kind of assistance for adults with this problem. I have been labled severe depression, sever emotionally disturbed, ADHD. I also sometimes but not as often any more feel like everything is going really fast and sounds appear to be fast forwarded only to have everything go really slow. This lasts for about 5 to 10 miniutes and then everything goes back to normal. I had a cutting problem for a while but have cut way back. I am sorry I am rambling with all this crap but I can’t seem to be able to turn anywhere. How can I get REAL help with all these issues. I only want to know where I can go or what I can do to help with all these issues.

It’s not rambling to try to lay out the issues you are struggling with. You certainly have a lot of challenges. I’d like to think that writing to us here at Psych Central means that you haven’t given up entirely. Obviously, an advice column can’t solve your problems but perhaps I can give you a little direction.

First — Please don’t give up on counselors. All therapists aren’t alike. It’s important to interview several in order to find someone you think can understand and help you. “Think positive thoughts” is not it. You probably need a combination of some medicine (at least for awhile to give you the energy you need to do therapeutic work) and talk therapy that helps you deal with the traumatic events of your past, your family, and your current difficulties. Real help is out there but you have to go find it.

Next: There are many therapists and clinics who offer a sliding fee scale and who accept health insurance. I did a web search of your city and mental health services and found several that look promising. I suggest you call around and see whether any have services you can afford.

And — If you do have Aspergers, there certainly is help for managing it. An excellent book on the subject is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome by Valerie L. Gaus. When you call the various mental health clinics in your area, be sure to ask if there is anyone who specializes in adult Aspergers.

I do urge you to take charge of yourself and at least start getting the help you need while you are still in college. If possible, you want to have a handle on yourself before you start looking for a job. You are obviously a man who thinks in complicated ways and who will respond well to some good support and advice. Use your remaining semester to give yourself the jumpstart you need to make a good adult life for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 18, 2009 0 comments