Some Girls Archives

From England: I’m 14. It’s only recently that things have changed, I live in quite a poor family, yet I have the basics of a teenager, a laptop and phone etc. I have always known that I’m never going to get what I would really like, but for once I thought that I would be happy. My mum told me that I would never be able to get an iPhone, but instead i could get a cheaper brand of phone, but still a smartphone. I was so happy, but then one morning, I started shouting at her for the smallest things and she refused to get me a phone, but never told me I wasn’t getting one. I was then told I wasn’t able to get a dress for the first party I would be going to in years. The next day at school we were exchanging texts, and I have never repeated the phrase “I hate you”, so many times. I appreciate what I have got, I’m not spoilt, but I’m not me. My mum refuses to believe that it’s hormones, she says that I no longer love her. I have been crying at school and at the slightest thing, eg. I had English for my first lesson. I have no idea what’s happening to me, and my mum doesn’t want to know me, my dad also. My friends don’t understand and they simply go on about how their home life is great. I’m finding this really hard to deal with, I feel like everything is different and no one will treat me the same any more. Am I having a mid-life crisis or something? I don’t understand what I’ve done and what to do about it.

No. You’re not having a mid-life crisis (you haven’t even hit a quarter-life yet). What you have hit is puberty. Different people respond to the hormonal shifts of adolescence in different ways. Some girls act as you do. If your mum didn’t have the same reactions to puberty when she was young, she might not understand that it’s your hormones that are talking, not you, when you go off.

I strongly suspect that your moodiness and irritability have to do with adjusting to the emotional rollercoaster that often comes with changes in body chemistry during the teen years. You might tell your mum I said so. It’s clear to me from your letter that you do love your family and want very much to show your appreciation and respect for your parents. You are as surprised and upset about your own behavior as they are. A book that you and your parents might find helpful is: I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict by Roni Cohen-Sandler. If that doesn’t give you enough help, you might want to see a counselor who specializes in working with teens and their families. You need to learn some new ways to manage your feelings. Your parents need to learn some new ways to work with you so you all come out of the teen tunnel as friends.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hello, I have an issue with something a therapist calls ‘negative association’. When a negative event, for example-someone calls me ‘ugly’, I’ll feel bad about it. Then, I’ll think about the person who called me ‘ugly’ and associate their gender, with the event. I also do this when I’m at a place. If something bad happens at a certain place, if it’s a school or a store, I’ll avoid that place to not remember the event.

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD in the past. Would this be a part of OCD? I talked to a therapist about it, though had no luck solving the problem. The thing that continues to irritate me, is the fact that some girls/women, have said negative things to me in the past. I’ve had girls call me- hideous, disgusting, ‘you look like a man’. I even had one time that my mom said ‘why don’t you just shoot yourself?’ when I asked the point of living was all about. I know my mom was under stress, though that saying continues to bother me.

As you can see, the sayings that hurt me, I associate them with the gender of the person who said them. This starts to make me feel bad about being the same gender. I don’t want to continue to feel this way. I don’t constantly think about this. I remind myself that I’m a better person then them, and that I never did those things. How do I overcome this negative association?

You can overcome the “negative association” or any type of illogical thinking by realizing that you should only believe what is real and true. You are not entitled to misinterpret a situation. If someone makes a negative statement about you, it does not mean that individual is representative of their particular gender. You are making the assumption that, for instance, if a woman says something negative about you then all women are capable of the same level of negativity and are to blame. It is not logical to believe that statement. Generalizing is a type of cognitive distortion. It is an incorrect way of thinking. It is not fair to lump all women into the same group. Each individual is very unique. It would be logical to be upset with the woman who made the negative statement but not with all women.

Racism and stereotyping are based on the same type of generalized feeling or belief. Having a negative interaction with an individual of a particular race or ethnicity, for instance, should not lead one to the conclusion that all individuals of a race or ethnicity would behave in a similar manner. It would simply be an incorrect assumption. False assumptions often lead to erroneous conclusions.

The first step in correcting cognitive distortions is to be aware that they are part of your thinking pattern. Not everyone can do this but it seems you can. I believe you are keenly aware of possible cognitive distortions. Next, always examine your thoughts and search for possible cognitive errors. It is not enough to be aware of cognitive distortions. To find them, you must analyze your thinking, in an active, not reactive way. Thoroughly think through each situation. If you have a negative interaction with an individual, analyze what happened and force yourself to find the reality of the situation. Do not allow yourself to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, or prejudge a situation or an individual. Finally, you should enlist the help of your therapist in this process. He or she can help to sharpen your thinking abilities and to work with you to clarify your thoughts. Changing the way you think will take time but with continued focus, dedication and practice, you can likely succeed. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Some Girls

My parents don’t like me like this, and neither do I

Negative Association with Gender