Tag:

Stepdad

Loss and Abuse

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 23rd, 2021

Hi, my name is Michaela, I’m 16 years. I just wanted to say thank you in advance for reading this I know you get a lot of these so thank you very much.
I’ve been self harming since I was 11.I self harm everyday and I know its not good but it something I do to make life seem like I have some control I struggled with an Eating disorder (bulimia) I did recover on my own. but its been coming back. I just lost my mom 2 months ago and two days later I lost my best friend to suicide. My mom was really sick and my stepdad hated me. He would burn me and he would beat me physically and verbal and physically abuse me. The thing is my mom really loved him but who was I to get in the way of that. My mom had been sick all her life but the last 6 years was the worst. She wasn’t able to do a lot. I take care of my sister who now lives with my aunt she was only able to take her but I was like the mom. but I still managed to get all A’s. but while my mom was in the other room sick my step dad would come into my room. first it started off with him starring then to molesting then eventually rape. I’m really afraid I’m pregnant. My grandparents whom I live with now are always working they are high people in there jobs so they are always traveling. They are currently away. Sometimes I want to give up but I know I have to be here. I’ve always been bullied I get called mutt a lot because of my ethnicity (Native American(Cherokee), African American, Dominican, Italian and 1/4 Russian) sorry it really long but I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like a lost soul slowly fading away from this world
– Michaela

Dear Michaela, you have been through a great deal. I’m sorry that you’ve had such a very tough life. However, I would consider you a great picture of resiliency. You’ve survived an eating disorder, injury, abuse, losing your mother, bullying, and you are now potentially pregnant. Despite all of that, you have endured and continue to manage a difficult set of life circumstances.

What your stepfather has done to you is wrong and illegal. The rape and molestation should be reported to the police. You should report him to the authorities. Another option is to call child protective services. If you alert the authorities, in all likelihood he will be arrested.

He deserves to be arrested.

There is never an excuse for raping your stepdaughter.

Anyone violating the innocence of a child should be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

I would also urge you to tell your grandparents. They need to know what your stepfather has been doing to you.

You should also report the abuse to a school guidance counselor who will take immediate action. You should also ask the school guidance counselor to assist you in accessing mental health treatment. The more support that you have at this time, the better. You need all the support you can get.

Reporting your stepfather to the authorities might not be easy but it’s the right thing to do. You will have to do it sooner or later, especially if you are pregnant. Your family is going to inquire about the father. If you need additional advice, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

April 23, 2021 0 comment

Inappropriate Behavior between Daughter, Stepdad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 26th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

It came to my attention that my daughter (almost 17) was playing around with my husband (stepdad). They were poking, kicking, etc – just playing. She got up, went to the bathroom, took off her bra, came back to where he was and proceeded to take his hand and put it up her shirt onto her breast. The lines between the two of them have been blurred for quite some time. She has often acted like a jealous girlfriend – for example, she would get angry if he wanted to sit next to me or take me out instead of sitting next to her or taking her to the batting cages. I have repeatedly talked to them both to no avail. Now this happened – not once, but twice. They’ve apologized. I have other children – including one with him. I have no income of my own or family to run to to just up and leave. And I’m just not sure what to do. We’ve been together for 13 years. I blame her for being so provocative with him (something she does not display around here), but I blame him exponentially more. He didn’t tell me, he lied to me about it, he could have acted like a parent and said this is wrong, or even used his strength to not allow his hand to go there. Instead, he claimed that he got freaked out, squeezed her breast and said boop! Help!

This is very, very serious. You say the boundaries have been blurred for quite some time. Maybe what you are interpreting as jealous and provocative behaviors are your daughter’s efforts to tell you in the only way she can to wake up! Your husband is not drawing appropriate boundaries. It may be that he has been molesting her. It may be that he has threatened or bribed her to keep quiet about it.

You keep talking to the two of them as if they are equals in the situation. They are not. She is your child. He is a man who is supposed to be keeping her safe. He may be justifying his behavior on the grounds that he is not related biologically to her but he is her stepfather, not her boyfriend. One slip in the boundaries is perhaps a “mistake.” More that once? Please! You are in serious denial.

Your daughter needs help, not talk. In your state, sexual abuse is defined as when a parent or other adult uses a child under age 18 for sexual gratification. Your husband should be reported to Child Protective Services at 855-GA-CHILD . That’s easier said than done, I know, especially since you feel dependent on him. For that reason, I suggest you first call your state’s 24-Hour Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-33-HAVEN. Although you may not think of yourself as being a victim of domestic violence, your daughter certainly is. The counselors at the hotline can help you figure out how to keep everyone safe and how to manage without your husband, should that be necessary.

All of you — your daughter, you, and your husband — need counseling. Your daughter needs help sorting out what has been a confusing and abusive situation. If she has been manipulated or “brainwashed” to think her stepdad’s behavior is OK, she is especially vulnerable. You need emotional support as well as some practical help to keep your family secure and afloat during a difficult time. Since you husband can’t keep his hands to himself, he needs to leave until he has done some serious personal work. He must take responsibility for his behavior and he has to learn impulse control before he can be part of the family.

Please don’t let your fears prevent you from taking action. Your daughter, and your other children, need a tiger-mom right now. They deserve to feel safe from sexual abuse in their own home. If your daughter is to have a chance for a normal relationship with a partner someday, she needs you to get the family the help you all need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 26, 2021 0 comment

Long History of Mental Abuse

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 18th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m an 18yr old high school drop out. I’ve suffered from mental abuse since I was around three..but now that I can actually get out on my own, I can’t because my stepdad has trapped me.
I guess I’ll start from the beginning. I’ve never met my biological father. My mom had left him when I wasn’t even a year old yet. When I was two, almost three, my mom starting dating my stepdad. They got a place together and eventually got married when I was around six. My stepdad has mentally & phisically abused me. When I was little, I was a skinny, entergetic, little girl. Then my stepdad decided I wasn’t eating enough so he started making me eat more food at dinner then he could. Half the time my mom would wait til he left the kitchen then throw it away, then they’d fight about it all the time. They fought alot over how he treated us kids. one time he hit me in the head with a plastic baseball bat my dog chewed up and cut y head open. My mom left him for like three days then we were back. Stuff like this continued until I was 13, then they got a divorce.

Finally, I thought to myself I can get away from him. Well my mom met a guy, who shes now married to. She kicked me out because I confronted her new man about wasting all of the rent money on pills. The only other place for me to go was back to my stepdads. It was different for the first few months when I moved back out, but his act wore off. Instead of forcing me to eat 2 heaping plates at each meal, he started the mental abuse. Putting me down about my weight & other things. Then he got me a car. When that happened I was never home. I was always gone to escape him. He didn’t care. thats what he really wanted, for me to be out of his hair so he could bring a different girl home every night from the bar. I was basically just the housemaid, he’d call when the house needed work, or he needed groceries. But his plans backfired. He thought he was sterile, well aparently not, because now he has a ten month old little girl. He really started being mean when she came home. He had to fight with the CPS for months before she came home. Then he started acting like I was supposed to take care of her ALL of the time. He stared cussing me out at least twice a day. Well finally on monday feb 21st, he starts yelling at me, telling me I’m worthless & that i never do anything for anyone but myself & things like that. I told him how i felt about how he’d been treating me lately and he said fine, get the f*** out. It’s been a week now and havent talked to him. I’m stuck and I dont know what to do. My car broke down yesterday, my cellphone broke so all the job applications I put in cant call now. And no one can help me. It just seems like I’m going to have to go back out to him like he wants, and have to continue putting up with his abuse. But for me thats not an option. I dont know if you’ll be able to tell me any advice, but I jus needed to tell somebody my story. Thanks for your time.

You are right. What you are describing is abuse and neglect. None of the so-called adults in your life seem very adult at all. I’m worried for you. I’m worried for your little half-sister. It must feel to you like there is nowhere to turn. Going back to your stepdad doesn’t feel like an option but you don’t see others.

At 18, you no longer qualify for help from CPS, it’s true. But you can probably get help from the local domestic violence program. The phone number for the Family Crisis Intervention Center is 304-428-2333 or 1-800-794-2335. There also appears to be a food pantry and a homeless shelter within 20 miles of your town. Often such places have counselors on site who can help you figure out where to get the supports you need. Meanwhile, if you need someone to talk to, call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline at 800-448-3000. Counselors are available 24/7 to help young people like yourself.

I’m so very sorry you didn’t get the kind of family every child deserves to have. But you don’t have to accept your stepdad’s judgment of you. Therre is so much more to you than being a “high school dropout.” Your letter shows that you have a core of strength in you that you can build on once you are more on your own.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 15, 2011 0 comment