Tag:

Stress management

Why Do I Try to Do Too Many Things?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 29, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ever since I remember I was trying to do too many things. Besides my job I always have a number of “hobbies” or “passions” that make it really hard to concentrate on one main thing or even to choose what that main thing should be. For example, lately I have become obsessed with making electronic music. So while being at work I am secretly spending nearly all my day reading and watching videos about the equipment and techniques. Note, that I mostly do not actually make music, but rather “prepare”, “research” or “study”. I consistently miss deadlines at work, but just can’t keep my mind on the job.

But the worst part of this is that through my life I had a dozen or more of such hobbies, becoming obsessed, then switching to another, then going in circles. Some but not all of them include drawing, painting, playing different music instruments, programming, visual design, tournament poker (professional approach requires a lot of training), financial trading, internet marketing, and others. As you can probably guess I have never become decent at any of this, just “trying”, “learning” and then switching to another. I am writing this because it looks like some kind of disorder to me, I just spend a lot of time with little results, my main job is constantly in danger because I am distracted and I am very frustrated. I don’t understand, why do I even want to do these things. I just become obsessed and can’t stop, can’t control it.

I would really appreciate if someone could explain what is going on with me, why is my mind working this way and what to do to actually live a more simple and fulfilling life. Thank you!

It is fine to have hobbies but not when the time spent on them puts you at risk to lose your job. Continuing to engage in this behavior could have real-life consequences.

If you are okay with possibly losing your job, then there is nothing you need to do to change. If you are not okay with the possibility of losing your job, and I am assuming you are not since you wrote for help, then you must be willing to take whatever steps that are necessary to change.

Some people engage in destructive behaviors because nothing of consequence has happened and or because they don’t believe that anything of consequence will happen. Based on the limited information provided, you have not been fired yet, but it seems like a definite possibility.

If you cannot control your behavior, then consider behavioral therapy. Behavioral therapy is highly-focused on extinguishing specific, unwanted behaviors. It’s imperative that this problem is corrected so you can avoid losing your job. You do not want to “learn the hard way” that your behavior has very real consequences. The responsible thing to do, the protective thing to do, is to get help from a therapist before your behavior harms you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 29, 2022 0 comments

My Parents Only Communicate Through Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 12, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old. I moved away from home this past fall for college. Since then my parents have been communicating through me. They constantly call me and rant about the other as well as tell me to relay messages.

I want to focus on school, but it is becoming difficult. My mother is very manipulative and my dad is very easily irritated. They are always wanting me to pick sides and bashing the other. I gave GAD and OCD so even when I should know my mom is lying, I still question it because of my GAD.

It’s causing major issues in my day to day well being and the extra stress and pressure is extremely hard to cope with. The issues they want me to communicate about are things like my FASFA, or my sister’s health, she has diabetes. They are things, that without me, would never be done or settled. It’s hard to focus on myself when I have such big issues to worry about.

I have to tell them to do things all the time. I feel like the parent. What should I say to them to get them to communicate?

I understand why you feel trapped in this pattern. Your parents would rather make you responsible than accept responsibility for themselves. Being a responsible person, you can’t let things drop. However, it is part of growing up to set boundaries with parents and to separate from destructive family patterns.

Regardless of other issues, it is your right to refuse to talk to your parents about their complaints with each other. Remind them that they got a divorce for good reasons and there is no point in continuing their fight with each other through you. Then change the subject. If they won’t change the subject, tell them a polite “good bye” with the comment that you’ll be glad to hear from them when they want to talk about something else.

I am aware that some of the things your parents want you to deal with are too important to abandon without putting something in place. For example: You didn’t mention how old your sister is. If she is a teen, it’s time for her to take responsibility for managing her disease since her parents can’t or won’t. Talk with her about how she is coping with the self-discipline that is required for good diabetes management. Encourage her to have a talk with her endocrinologist and perhaps to seek out a support group for young people who are dealing with diabetes. If necessary, remind her that refusing to take care of herself is not at all likely to get her parents to change. It really is up to her to do what she needs to do to have a long and happy life.

As for things like your financial aid: Do talk with the Financial Aid office at your school to see if there is any way they can get you out of the middle by dealing with your parents directly.

If you find that you just can’t extricate yourself, please do consider seeing a therapist for support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 12, 2022 0 comments

Handling Severe Anger Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 8, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve always had an anger problem. Always. It’s just never been as intense as it has been for the past year. I could be laughing and enjoying life one second and in the blink of an eye any little thing could set me off and I have NO control over what I do. It is not ’til hours or even days later that I feel any type of regret or remorse for whatever it is I did or said when in this state. I have three beautiful boys (7, 4, 3) who are the world to me. I would do anything for them. But when I ask them to sit down or stop jumping on the bed and they do it any ways, I’ve had to go outside and either scream, hit something, or even just throw something across the room to “scare them” into listening to me. I do these things to reframe from spanking them because I am scared that I will one day forget they are kids and hurt them. I have spanked them several times but never more than what a simple discipline spanking is. I just dont want to end up doing something I will regret. I really need help to control these feelings or whatever it is that causes me to snap and go dark. Please help me. Like I said I will do anything for my three boys, that is why I am here asking. Begging for some one to help. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. Please.

As you have described, anger has “always” been a problem for you. Lately, you’ve noticed it’s becoming worse, to the point where you have “no control” over your behavior. You fear that you might harm your children. Those are all clear signs that you should seek help.

You have not physically harmed your children, but undoubtedly they are suffering each time you deliberately frighten them. Psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

As a parent, it is your job to protect your children from any and all danger. Because there are times when you lose control, they are at risk of being harmed by you. You tried to deal with it on your own and it hasn’t been enough.

By seeking professional help, you will be doing the right thing. It is the most responsible course of action. Many communities offer a range of anger management programs and support groups. Choose a therapist who specializes in anger management.

Some people have the mistaken idea that seeking professional help for psychological problems is a sign of weakness. That is simply not true. It is the insightful and intelligent individual who strives to be psychologically healthy and will do whatever is necessary to ensure that outcome.

Anger problems are correctable. Whether or not you seek professional help for a correctable problem is your choice. I hope that you make the right decision. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 8, 2022 0 comments

I Feel Like I’m Going Crazy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 10, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a California teen: Ever since about 4 months ago I have lived through the worse time of my life.(prior to that when I was around 14 I started going through a depression which has lasted 3 years until now.) I started having intrusive thoughts when i was out drunk and possibly high (can’t remember) with friends, basically i was scared some neighbor was going to come out and kill me and my friends because we were ding dong ditching his house and i just started having horrible thoughts of what it would be like to kill someone. These thoughts would not go away and by the end of the night i assumed something was wrong with me i was scared i would turn into a murderer.

Since then I cut out all alcohol and other drugs from my life (didnt know about ocd yet) thinking they were the problem and it didn’t really do anything… until in January i spent the weekend up in the snow with some friends and we all smoked marijuana and i kind of had a nice time, but when i got back home all of a sudden my depression and anxiety was gone. For one week I was the happiest i’ve ever been in my life, and the strange part is that I was sick that week and lost my voice. I also think I may be gay and that week I figured I was straight and was ok with getting with girls (which leads me to believe me losing my voice made me feel better because I have always been self conscious about it) I started being myself and even got along with my group of friends i usually don’t really like that much, and i figured all my previous problems were just me finding myself and growing up.

Then i got drunk and high the friday of that week thinking I was finally ok and these things wouldn’t affect me and ever since then i have been in an even worse depression. It has been about a month now and I completely cut out all alcohol, marijuana, even caffeine as of now, and started exercising everyday and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t like hanging out with people anymore and sit at home on the weekend when i used to be extremely popular at parties and I don’t know if its just me growing up or if i’ve developed some serious disorder…

I also have always handled stress well but lately i’ve had to decide where to go to college and other stressful things and most of the time i just go to sleep with comforting thoughts of i would never wake up in this horrible world again. I have A.D.D. So sorry if this is a little messy I tend to get distracted and move on to point from point very easily… but any help would be appreciated. I simply do not know what to do and I fear that soon I will lose hope of happiness in life.

Looks to me like you’re a bit of a slow learner. Some people seem to be able to handle alcohol and drugs. You obviously can’t. Stop fooling around with substances that change you in negative ways and start looking for help in places that are helpful in positive ways.

Your default mode when stressed seems to be avoidance and depression. You need to develop some coping skills for handling stress and tough decisions. I strongly urge you to see a mental health professional, not because I think you have a mental illness but because counselors can help young people figure themselves out and can teach you now to manage your stress and the ADD that makes it hard for you to focus.

You’ve already taken the first important step by cutting out alcohol and drugs and starting to exercise. That’s great. It makes your mind available for what a counselor can tell you. Now, please, take the next step and get the help you need to become all you can be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 10, 2021 0 comments