Strong Desire Archives

I’ve been having problems for a while. I am highly disorganized, I have a fear of social situations but have a strong desire for them at the same time if that makes sense. I’ve tried being in talk therapy for those issues, not that much has come of it, however I’ve always been too scared to tell my therapist about other issues. I sometimes see images in the corner of my eye, a face in a window and then its gone, or a person standing on the side of an empty road and when I look in the mirror, nothing. I’m not sure if I’m seeing things or just thinking I see things, I’m concerned with being diagnosed with schizophrenia or something like that. I’m high functioning, about a 3.2gpa in college and I keep burying the issue in fear that treatment might intrude in my school life.
I also hear music sometimes and have taken to writing it down as compositions, would this be a hallucination as well? I don’t compose the music, I literally hear it as if it were being played in the same room as me, would this be a symptom of something?

My last symptom I’ve never told any therapists is the fact I usually hide away, closed doors, closed blinds, avoid going out quite a bit. My mood will fluctuate to being very happy like this, to longing for social contact but too fearful to even leave my own room and I don’t even know why. I just don’t know what’s going on and fear that if I tell a doctor they’ll put me on some treatment that will interfere with what little is going right in my life or send me to a hospital. I don’t expect a diagnosis really, I just want to know what are the chances of being sent away or some other life intrusive treatment?

I understand your fears but you can’t continue to ignore your symptoms. Even though you seem to be experiencing delusions and hallucinations, they are not characteristic of schizophrenia. They may be more indicative of a possible neurological problem. The only way to know for certain is to be evaluated either by a psychiatrist or neurologist, or both.

Compounding the problem is your withholding very important information from your therapist. He or she cannot effectively help you if you don’t disclose your symptoms. Part of the reason therapy has been ineffective for you may have been your lack of honesty. Only you have the power to change this aspect of your treatment.

In addition, there is little to no chance that you will be “sent away” to a hospital. You do not meet the criteria for psychiatric hospitalization which in most states is very strict and requires that someone be a danger to themselves or to others. Often individuals who desperately need or want to be hospitalized have difficulty being admitted. Once admitted, many individuals are released within a few days. The latest data from the National Hospital Discharge Survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows that the average psychiatric hospital stay is only 7.1 days.

I’m not certain what you consider to be “life intrusive treatment.” Individuals should work with their treatment providers to decrease the intrusiveness of treatments in their life. It is important that you convey this desire and fear to your therapist.

Fear is holding you back from getting the help that you need. Fear can be crippling but only if you allow it to be. Don’t let fear hold you back. Report your symptoms to your therapist. Be honest. Ask him or her for a referral to a neurologist or a psychiatrist for an evaluation. It is the most effective and efficient way to handle this situation.

I wish you well. Please take care. Please consider writing back to let me know how you’re doing.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I believe that I’ve got a mental illness, and that’s pretty obvious to me. The thing is that i also believe that i want to have one. Can this desire (to want to get worse, or to want to have a mental disorder) be considered as a mental disorder itself?

I understand that this may sound confusing, but it’s really hard for me to explain it.

There are some days that i’m feeling awful but then I think that this may be fake, that i’m lying to myself because I would like to feel like that and that’s not a ‘real’ feeling..and then i feel even worse.

It’s really strange and I can’t really explain so, I hope that you can help me!

The desire to be physically or mentally ill is a characteristic of factitious disorders. Please keep in mind that I cannot know with certainty if you have a factitious disorder. The only symptom you have described is your strong desire to have a mental illness. It is an unusual symptom but an accurate mental health diagnosis could only be made after a thorough mental health evaluation.

In the category of factitious disorders are mental health conditions in which an individual pretends as though he or she has a physical or mental illness. Individuals with these disorders seem to have a strong desire to be seen as injured or ill. They deliberately create a set of symptoms for the purpose of gaining attention and sympathy from others. Individuals with factitious disorders might create symptoms that do not exist or lie about their experiences. They may also seek out diagnoses or insist that they have an illness. Some individuals with factitious disorders eagerly undergo risky or painful medical testing and procedures.

I suspect that the real need you are attempting to fulfill is a desire for attention. Generally speaking, that is the primary reason why individuals pretend to have an illness. They want people to notice them. Individuals in society have sympathy for those with a physical or mental health condition (though less so for a mental health condition). Perhaps you think that if you had a mental illness, your family and friends would have to pay more attention to you. You may believe that having a mental illness would ensure that you are the focus of their world. It is, after all, difficult to ignore a “sick” person.

I suspect that your desire to have a mental illness is a misguided attempt to gain attention and sympathy. It is human nature to need and to want attention but pretending to have a mental illness is not a healthy or appropriate way to gain attention.

If you are willing, you should speak to your parents about seeing a therapist. A therapist can teach you alternative and healthier ways to meet your emotional needs, that do not involve lies and deception. The “find help” tab at top of this page can help you and your parents locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Strong Desire

Concerned with Telling a Doctor

Desire of a Mental Disorder