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Surveys

Why Do I Feel Like Everyone Has a Sexual Partner But Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 9, 2024

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

At an early age, I’ve always disliked people my own age. I thought that they were immature compared to me. As I got older, however, I started getting used to my ever-changing body, and so did everyone else. My opinion of them has not changed over the years, but it appears that everyone is “growing up faster” than I am on the sexual side of things.

Of all the stories I hear in locker rooms and restrooms and of the many things I’ve seen, it appears that everyone has a sexual partner except me. I’ve also felt a greater hatred for them because they have a sexual partner, even greater than before. Not only have I become more irritable, but I feel constant emotional pain. I want to cry almost every night but I am unable to.

I don’t think I’m that hard to look at on the eyes. I may be a little obese but I’m starting to exercise and take men’s multivitamins. I feel livelier but not happier. I think the only solution to all of this is to find a partner and get laid immediately. I know this is wrong but it’s something in the back of my head that says “this is the answer.”

I’ve been looking around and trying to socialize, but nothing seems to work. What should I do?

You may feel as though you are the only one without a sexual partner but is this accurate? Statistics show otherwise. Recent surveys of teenage sexual activity show that only 46 to 55 percent of males have ever had sex. That means roughly 50 percent of males in your age range have not had intercourse. I point this out to demonstrate that just because one feels something to be true does not mean that it is.

It’s also important to keep in mind that people do not always tell the truth. People may lie about the activities they are engaged in. They may brag about things they haven’t done. They may also embellish a story. They typically do this as a way to enhance their self-esteem. They may also do it to increase their popularity, make others feel jealous or to fit in with their peer group. A recent online survey conducted by Seventeen magazine, featured in USA Today, surveyed 1,200 teen and young adult males between the ages of 15 and 22. Several intriguing statistics were found:

60 percent of the males admitted to lying about something related to sex;
30 percent lied about how far those sexual activities had gone;
24 percent lied about the number of sexual partners they had; and
23 percent claimed they were not virgins when they were.

Another interesting statistic was that approximately 78 percent of the teens surveyed said that there was “way too much pressure” from society to have sex. You may be feeling this societal pressure.

These statistics do not support your assumption that everyone is having sex. It’s important to focus on facts. It is imperative to be factually correct in your thinking.

You wanted to know why you hate other people, particularly those who seem like they’re having more sex than you. If you believe that everyone is having sex but you then this may signify in your mind that there is something wrong with you. You might assume that others will also think the same thing. If you don’t hold this opinion of yourself yet feel others do, you could be angry at them for misjudging you. This could explain the anger you feel.

You also believe that everyone is “growing up faster” sexually than you. Again, this assumption may be inaccurate. As I pointed out above males, according to the Seventeen survey, tend to exaggerate how often they have sex or even if they’ve ever had sex. In the survey, 45 percent of the males said they were virgins and those are the ones who “admitted” to being virgins. Because people do not always tell the truth in surveys, that figure may be conservative.

I’m also curious about your dating and social life. You did not provide those details in your letter. Are you able to make friends? Do you have both male and female friends? I wonder if you have trouble dating? Do you have difficulty securing a second date? Having answers to these questions may have shed light on how well you socialize with others. If you have difficulty socializing you might benefit from social skills training.

I want to compliment you on the fact that you are able to see yourself objectively, at least with regard to your physical appearance. You describe yourself as being slightly obese. To combat this problem you began to exercise. I understand that exercise is not making you happy but look on the bright side, it has made you feel livelier. It seems that exercise has improved your overall well-being. This is very positive.

Your solution to this problem is to have sex. It’s important to keep in mind that sex is not something that should be done casually and with just anyone. Sex has consequences. It can include unintended pregnancy and being infected with a sexually transmitted disease. The purpose of a relationship is not just to have sex. Sex is part of relationships but if it’s the sole purpose, that relationship won’t last long.

You describe feeling intense emotional pain. Because of this I would recommend counseling. Counseling may also help you develop better socializing skills, if needed. It can also help you develop relationship and interpersonal skills. A therapist can also help you to better understand the nature of relationships. I believe you could benefit from therapy.

I hope I have adequately answered your questions. If you’d like to search for a therapist in your community, try searching this website. Thank you for your question. Please take care.

May 9, 2024 0 comments

Scared To Tell My Mom about Social Anxiety

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 18, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I might have a social anxiety disorder. I get embarrassed very easily and of mostly everything. I cannot speak in front of an audience, when I have to in school I usually just don’t do it. I’ve been told I take criticism way too personally (by my mom). I get nausea when something I’m nervous about is going to happen (e.g. when I’m going to gym class because I’m not very athletic and I don’t like people watching me attempting to play a sport). I don’t like crowds, when I’m offered to go to the mall, or a restaurant, or even a relative’s house (that I’m not close to), I usually decline. I’m aware that I’m a very shy person, and should work on my confident issues. But I don’t though if I’m being dramatic about this. I’m scared to talk to my mom about it because I don’t want her to think that I’m being dramatic. And I don’t know why I’m scared because she’s a very good mother, and I’ve trusted her with a lot of secrets. One time she commented on me never wanting to go out with the family and said that I never want to spend time with them. But I do want to spend time with them, I think maybe I’m scared.

It is possible that you have a social anxiety disorder, but you may not. Many of your fears are very common. It may be that you lack the skills to deal with difficult or anxiety-producing situations. The good news is that these skills can be learned.

I do not believe that you are being dramatic. It seems that you are truly having difficulty with the situations outlined in your letter. As I mentioned above, many people have similar fears. For example, many people become nervous in front of an audience. In fact, surveys repeatedly show that public speaking is the number one fear.

The trick to reducing the anxiety that accompanies public speaking is to be yourself. Many people try to pretend to be someone else when they are giving a speech. For instance, in the case of a student assigned a topic to present to the class, he or she often erroneously believes that they have to be an “expert” on the subject matter. They believe this is what others expect from them. In reality, no one expects the student to be an expert. Students are in class to learn. You aren’t a professional speaker or a television anchorperson. You are just a student in class and no one expects you to be a professional. That is the reality of the situation. If you hold yourself to higher expectations you will feel anxious because you simply are not a professional and won’t be ready to be a TV anchor when your class has finished and cannot yet perform as a polished professional.

I would encourage you to speak to your mother. Here’s an example of how you may want to present your problem to her: “Mom, I become very nervous in a number of situations (name some examples from your letter) and I would like help to change this. My fears are very real and they are making it difficult for me to feel comfortable in many situations. I have even been worried about bringing this problem to your attention. I was concerned about your reaction. This is a problem that really bothers me. I have considered the possibility that I might need to see a mental health professional. Is this a problem that you can help me with?”

You need to be honest with your mother. It seems as if you may be worried that by bringing this problem to her attention you would be in effect saying that she has failed to help you. Your mother probably would not come to that conclusion. She most likely would react with concern and a desire to help but she first needs to know that a problem exists. Your job is to tell her the truth and to be detailed about the problem. Her job is to assist you in correcting the problem.

I hope this answer helps you. Please consider writing back after you speak to your mother to let me know how the conversation went. I hope to hear from you. I wish you well. Thanks for your question.

January 18, 2021 0 comments

How Can I Quit Being Anxious and Have Normal Relationships?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 2, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I get so anxious and nervous that it’s hard for me to make friendships. And it’s hard for me to keep friendships. I can’t give presentations in school. I just want my last years of high school to be fun, I want to be able to get through the day without feeling like I’m alone or made a mistake. I want to stop being anxious and feel normal. I feel like I cut myself off from other people because of my fear of rejection and my anxiety. I want it to stop.

It sounds as if you are fed up with your anxiety. I find this encouraging because it may signal that you are on the verge of making a positive change in your life (i.e. getting rid of your anxiety.)

Anxiety is a very common problem. People develop anxiety for multiple reasons. In your case it seems as though it may stem from a lack of self-confidence. You are focused on what other people think of you. Apparently, in your mind, you have established that you are not “good enough” and thus feel anxious.

You are frightened of public speaking. You are not alone. Most people share this fear. Surveys have shown that the fear of public speaking often ranks higher than the fear of death. This means that people are more frightened about the idea of speaking in front of others than they are of their own mortality.

When it comes to public speaking assignments, a common mistake in the thinking students make is that they believe they have to be an “expert” on their assigned topic. The reality is that you are a student who has been assigned (i.e. forced) to give a speech to the class. No one in the classroom, including the teacher and especially the other students, expects you to be an “expert” on your topic. Students are not expected to be experts. You may be putting undue pressure on yourself to be something that you are not (i.e. an expert). Try to have a more realistic mindset. Study the material, learn your speech, share what you have learned about your topic with the class and simply try to be yourself. Do not try to be an “expert.” Don’t try to be something you are not because it will only increase your nervousness. Just try to be yourself and this should decrease your nervousness.

The key to eradicating anxiety is to believe in reality. Anxiety is based on unrealistic fears. Believing in the unrealistic fears is what keeps the anxiety alive. Anxiety thrives on irrationality and illogical thinking. You may believe for instance that you do not make a good impression in front of others and this increases your anxiety. Just because you feel as though something is true does not mean that it is. You may feel as though you do not make a good impression in front of others but what objective evidence do you have to support this assertion? It is important to analyze the facts in every situation. Search for objective evidence and let reality guide your feelings.

If this continues to be an issue, I would recommend seeing a therapist. That would be the most efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety. You can also speak to the school guidance counselor. Inquire whether he or she has any tips to share with you about how to improve your self-confidence and decrease your anxiety. You may also try reading self-help books. I would recommend The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal With Worry and Anxiety by Lisa M. Schab. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 2, 2011 0 comments