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Teen Anxiety

I Have Constantly Conflicting Views

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 13 year old in the U.S.: Hi, I don’t know if I’m too young for this, but I’ve always had trouble determining what I truly believe in. Almost all of my actions, thoughts, and beliefs conflict with one another. Sometimes talking to people is easy while other times it’s impossible. Sometimes I’m unbelievably emotional while other times I just can’t seem to understand people. I always considered this normal and human, especially for someone my age, but it’s gotten to the point where I honestly can’t tell the difference between what I really believe in and what I think I do.

In general, I’m often unsure of myself and don’t know how to interpret something, mostly my own thoughts. For example, I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever developed a crush with anyone since I really don’t know what that would feel like. This mainly becomes an issue when my morals change drastically, switching between a very normal view-point and something completely different from the usual.

I don’t know how to say it, but there are times when I just don’t understand myself. It’s like I’m a different person. I’m constantly changing beliefs, moods, and personalities to the point where I don’t know what I really am like. I’m good at hiding it, however, so no one ever believes me or takes me seriously. I can’t even take a simple personality quiz without sitting there thinking about what I really am.

I’ve always heard that it’s normal for teenagers to be questioning themselves, but I’m the only kid I know that downright questions their personality. It’s not too much of an issue now, but what if this continues when I grow older? I’m just tired of constantly questioning myself.

I’ve wondered what would happen if I died, but more on a philosophical view. I’ve never actually considered it, and I’ve never experienced any major trauma in my life. I have a habit of repeatedly washing my hands and preferring to have things organized, but sometimes I don’t care. I also find myself being very sensitive to textures. For example, if I see a sharp or rough surface, even if it’s in a picture, I want to touch it. Once again, there are days when this doesn’t happen at all.

What should I do? Is this normal? How can I tell my parents and friends so they take me seriously?

Your letter shows you to be a very sensitive young woman who is asking the very big philosophical questions. In addition, you do apparently have a tendency to be somewhat obsessive. That’s a combination that leads to the kind of thinking you talk about in you letter.

Please — Quit taking personality quizzes! They are, at best, a crude indicator. For a 13 year old with your questioning mind, such quizzes are not going to be helpful. In fact, they may only confuse you further.

I suggest you relax. In fact, I think you should approach your questions with curiosity and interest, not judgment and worry. Live your life. Find something to do that contributes in some way to making life better for others. Treat your body well by getting good sleep, eating well and getting some kind of daily exercise. Chances are, your questions and feelings will settle down on their own if you give them a rest.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Going Through a Phase or What?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: This question is probably me just trying to get attention. Or just a 12 year old totally overreacting. And this whole thing probably won’t make any sense, but I really don’t know what to think anymore.

So back in March I noticed that sometimes I was unable to inhale deeply and it would be like that for 20-30 minutes. Worried, I consulted google and saw that it could be associated with anxiety. I ignored it. Then sometimes when I was home I would get really dizzy, my legs would get weak and I would lose my balance. It was a bit scary so I looked it up and found that it can also be associated with anxiety. This kind of freaked me out, so I took an online screening test and it said that I had moderate anxiety. (I have no idea how accurate those screening tests are) After that I became paranoid with the possibility that I had anxiety, also a bit scared. I started taking a bunch of screening tests getting around the same answer every time. I also got very confused about whether I was somehow subconsciously exaggerating my answers, or if I was actually telling the truth with my answers. I then started suspecting that I could instead have other kinds of disorders like bipolar, ocd,and depression. (And no I am not bullied, and have plenty of friends) This all continued until school ended.

When school ended I started staying on the computer all day, staying up late, etc. But around mid july I started getting really bored with what I was doing and sometimes when I really couldn’t find anything that I wanted to do, I would get really tired and end up taking nap. When august began I started getting worried about having a disorder again(this time depression) because I had started thinking about some really bad and negative things. My family has become a bit worried that I could have agoraphobia since I stay inside almost all the time. I’ve tried saying some things to my dad but whenever I try to talk about myself I always end up talking really fast and he just can’t keep up with me.

Now I have no idea what is wrong with me. Am I just going through a normal phase? Am I seeking attention? Is this actually something serious? Should I even bother asking for answers if this is just something stupid? Am I someone just trying to diagnose herself? Its really frustrating. This probably all sounds like I’m just being overly dramatic, which I really hate when other people do, so I am very sorry if I’m being a nuisance.

For someone who is only 12, you’ve done a lot of research and a lot of thinking. That tells me you are a smart and sensitive young woman. However, sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. The screening tests aren’t meant to be conclusive. They only give a person some direction.

In your case, the first direction I would point you to is your doctor. I don’t know if your trouble with breathing is anxiety, an allergy or something else entirely. We always start with making sure there isn’t a medical explanation before moving to a mental health one. If you are still having periods where it is difficult to inhale, please make an appointment with your doctor and have her or him listen to your lungs. I certainly hope there’s nothing wrong but it’s wise to check.

Then again, thinking about the possibility of anxiety was making you anxious. So you may have created the very symptoms you were worried about it. It happens.

Then — to add to the issues, you developed a sleep disorder (staying up too late and napping during the day) and you were bored, bored, bored. How is it that someone as bright as you are didn’t find something to do this summer? Spending most of your day and night on a computer was a waste of your time and your life.

Yes, I know. Work is hard to find at your age. But you could have done some volunteer work. Having some work experience would help you position yourself to get a paid job in a few years. The more experience people have, the more likely they are to get hired.

Kids your age often volunteer at camps, at recreational centers, at nursing homes and hospitals, or at animal shelters — just for starters. Or you could have gone to a camp. (If money was an issue, most camps have scholarships). There are camps for every interest you can think of. You could have been developing that brain of yours and could have used the summer to become more expert at something that interests you. You would have also had the opportunity to meet other people who share your interests.

What’s done is done. Summer is over and a new school year is starting. Do see your doctor to just check things out. Get off that computer. Put yourself on a reasonable sleep schedule. Put good effort into your studies. And, please, find a club or organization or sport that engages your mind and attention. You have too good a mind to waste.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fear and Anxiety at Night

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hi, I am 15 years old and about three months ago I had a “Panic Attack” in bed at night. Since then at night-time I have this extreme fear. This includes heart palpation, trembling, numbing in hands and feet, fast breathing, fearful thoughts such as someone breaking in, ghosts creepy dolls you name it! I also sweat and feel extreme nausea the whole time. Because of this, trying to sleep is a problem as I can’t stop thinking of the fear, I can’t close my eyes for more than 5 seconds and if I want to sleep I have to have a video on and sometimes my lamp on though sometimes it is impossible to shut my mind off. It used to be much worse than now as I don’t have it regularly and can kind of control it but i do have my days. From what I have googled I cannot find many people with the same problem. I also have experienced waking up with my whole body numb, with loud ringing in my ears heart pounding and difficulty breathing. It is like I am in a bag as I feel detached from reality. When it is over however it feels like it never happened (btw I can move a bit but very difficult) it has happened twice but it terrifies me . I also have no idea what that is and when I went to the doctor he was not helpful AT ALL. I have been to counseling but the problem has not been solved. I get very stressed easily and have my fair share of anxiety in the day too. I am quite a healthy in size yet I don’t exercise and my diet could be better. I am just wondering what the fear at night is and if it may be possibly linked to stress during the day. Thanks a lot for taking your time to read this. (age 15, from New Zealand)

What you are describing here sounds like you may have developed Panic Disorder. You report that you had a panic attack in bed and since then these other fears have developed. Part of Panic Disorder is fear of having another one, but many of the symptoms are very physical — like the ones you describe. Once you are worried and fearful, the fears can take on many forms and can worsen and change over time.

I’m glad that you are in counseling and have spoken to your doctor but am concerned that you feel like it hasn’t helped. Please let both your counselor and doctor know how serious and frequent your symptoms are. You may need to go on medication for a time while you learn other techniques to get your symptoms under control. Learning deep breathing techniques through meditation or yoga can be immensely helpful, as well as other relaxation exercises. I often suggest clients get a self-help book, such as The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, to help broaden your tool kit and teach skills that you can use anywhere. You might also look into joining a group or taking a class that is geared in this direction, as well as getting some guided imagery or guided meditation cd’s to listen to before going to bed.

Anxiety disorders can be very serious and very frightening, but the good news is that they are very treatable. I hope you feel better soon.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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My Parents Don’t Believe that I Have a Mental Illness

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: When I was younger (from 6-9) I used to pretend to be sick a lot so I didn’t have to go to school or to seem different,

Now that I’m in my early teens I thought I had anxiety. I waited a few months and after a few minor anxiety attacks I told my parents and they just laughed and said that they highly doubt I have anxiety (my mother then later had anxiety attacks and acted like it was the worst thing to ever grace the earth, telling everyone and still refused to believe that I had anxiety)

now that I am in my late teens I believe that I may have depression, I don’t feel strongly connected to anyone anymore, I feel very isolated even when I’m in large groups at school or parties, I constantly feel like no one wants me around or i’m annoying everyone, I have trouble paying attention in conversations and I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore (it takes me a couple hours to fall asleep), I do not feel suicidal at all so i’m still hesitant on whether or not

I really do have depression, I waited a few months and tried talking to my parents again but they still think I’m just faking it or am over thinking this, am I? I don’t know how to talk to them about my mental health if they don’t believe me, I also cannot speak to our school counsellor about anything because they either only speak to people with diagnosed mental illnesses or can only speak about school-related issues like bullying.

I would need much more information to give you a definite answer. Sadly, the at least part of the reason that you aren’t believed now is a result of pretending you were sick when you were younger. It’s a hard lesson in the long term consequences of lying. On the other hand, you were just a kid then. You shouldn’t be held accountable now for something you did 10 years ago.

I’m most concerned about your report that you aren’t sleeping. Yes, that can be a symptom of depression. But it can also be a cause of at least some of what you are feeling. A sleep disorder can have enormous impact on energy, mood, and the ability and willingness to interact with others. Keep a sleep log for a couple of weeks. If you aren’t getting an average of 6 – 9 hours of sleep per night, it’s likely that sleep deprivation is at least part of the problem.

I think your first step should be a talk with your medical doctor. Share what you have told me. Show him or her your sleep log. It is possible that there is a hormonal issue as well as a sleep issue. If so, you need treatment for those issues before deciding that you have a mental health diagnosis.

If your doctor thinks that you do have depression, he or she will also make an appropriate referral to a mental health professional for an evaluation. That will lead to a better conversation between you and your parents.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Feel Numb and Have No Idea What I Am Doing with My Life

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m 15 and am haunted by the question if I am wasting my life. I often question what the hell I am doing, but then I feel like physically hurting myself because I strongly wish I could disappear. My father is an alcoholic and has always been for what I can remember. My mother is a lying, irresponsible woman who abandoned her three children for other men and would come crawling back to my father once they had left her. My father has been emotionally and physically abusive to all three of his children and my mother. My parents do not know of certain traumatizing events that I experienced. My mother is currently living thirty minutes away from me and my family, with her ten month year old son and boyfriend. I see her about every three weeks and again and again only receive disappointment from her. When I was younger, my mother tried to overdose in front of me and she then and now takes medicine for her anxiety. At age 11, I began to cut myself and it is still something I struggle with today, and I am now nearly 16. I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and though in the past two years have deeply contemplated killing myself, I am still here trying to be more than what ever my parents are. I write nearly everyday and work about three days a week to distract myself from the pathetic issues of my parents who try to blame their current suffering on their children. I have a deep, deep hatred for myself. I used to starve myself and still have a distorted vision of my body that haunts me everyday. My anxiety is slowly eating the only sanity I have left, and I do not feel as if I have the energy to fight back anymore. I feel as if I am fighting within myself. One part of me plays the victim, if that makes any sense, and only thinks about how this is all unfair and the other part of me questions my emotions and I tell myself I am only exaggerating. I feel as if I have a hole in my heart and such a lack of love and attention in my life and try to fill it with substances that I have experienced – alcohol, drugs, and I let married men at my work touch me and speak to me because I am taking anything to fill the vacant hole in my heart and soul. I am running out of options and nothing and no one is making me feel any better, and I hate myself for saying that because I know I am the only one able to fix my life, but then again, I feel so alone and need someone, something, anything. (age 15, from US)

I’m sorry that life has been so difficult for you so far, and I know it sounds cliché, but please don’t give up hope — because your life is only beginning. You can’t help what you have been exposed to so far, but you will soon be an adult and fully in control of your own life. I’m assuming that you are in therapy or on medication since you mentioned being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. If for some reason you are not currently seeing a therapist, please do so. With all that you’ve been through, you need some help navigating the next few years. You also need to focus on healthy ways of coping. You’ve been hurt enough, why hurt yourself even more with the cutting, starving and substance use?

I think it’s great that you are working but it is NOT ok to let adult men touch you at work. It might be time to find a new job and start fresh. Since life has been so negative, you also need to try hard to create the opposite and you do this by putting yourself in positive situations and by surrounding yourself with positive people. Some examples might be the local Alateen program or a sports league, or you could volunteer at an animal shelter, tutor elementary school children or find another agency of interest to you. It can be very healing to give to others in need. Many times, we get more than we give.

Finally, it is not ok for either of your parents to abuse you emotionally, physically or sexually (or anyone else for that matter). If it happens again, or if you don’t feel safe, please talk to an adult who can help. You can speak with your therapist, a teacher or school counselor or you can call your local child protection agency directly.

It really does get better than this. Please give yourself a chance to find out.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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