Tag:

Toxic Family

Why Can’t My Husband Be on My Side?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 30th, 2023

From a woman in the U.S.: My mother-in-law banned me from her home and life after I wrote a semi-anonymous post on blog on how to deal with toxic people, mentioning her as being one. My husband has vocalized time and again that he is “on my side” but regularly (every other week or so) continues to see and talks to his parents as if nothing happened.

I feel guilty if I asked him not to go, because they are his family and I don’t want to give an ultimatum, but I feel even worse when he does go and talks about the time they had afterward. More complicated, his brother lives with us and has been trying to get my husband to hang out with their parents more, without me.

Now, it feels like everyone is conspiring to push me away. And worse, I’m tired of having this conversation with my husband because he just gets upset and says I can’t let it go, when I am trying to be understanding by allowing him to continue to see his parents.

I spent 8 months working for his mother in which I was controlled, manipulated, disrespected behind closed doors but around everyone else she “loved” me. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ve already lost, and they’ve won. I try not to think about it at all anymore because I don’t want to perpetuate the negativity in my mind, but my emotions keep betraying me.

I don’t know what to do, or how long this will continue. What happens when we have kids? I keep mentioning this to my husband, but he keeps saying, “It’ll take time”. I love him dearly, and I thoroughly enjoy the time we’re together, alone, but his parents are narcissistic and proud. I believe that they cling onto him because their marriage is uncomfortable to everyone and that their eldest son is the last thing they have to hold onto together.

That doesn’t mean though, that it’s right, what she’s doing. I’m scared that this is going to be forever. Why can’t she just let it go and let us live our lives? Why doesn’t my husband just cut his ties off with her when he told me that everything I said about her was right? Why can’t I let it go, even after all the times he tells me he’s on my side?

It’s not at all unusual for people who are related to have difficulty working together, especially when one is the “boss” of the other. A work relationship and a personal relationship are different. It’s hard for both parties to keep boundaries between the two roles clear. It is often difficult for the employee to voice any negative feelings about the work environment due to a combination of respect and fear they’ll be fired. It’s hard for the boss to treat the relative the same way he or she treats every other employee. Sometimes they err on the side of being too harsh or too lenient. It is indeed possible that your mother-in-law loves you but didn’t love the way you were doing your job. It’s at least something to consider.

From what you wrote to us, it sounds to me like you made a serious error in judgment by writing your thoughts in a blog that was somewhat public. You don’t mention whether you tried to have reasonable discussions with her about the work relationship. You didn’t talk about whether the job itself was a good match for you or whether you kind of fell into working with your mother-in-law, instead of looking for something else. You make no mention of what you might have contributed to the problem.

I have to wonder: What was the point of blogging your negative feelings instead of talking adult to adult with her? Were you trying to get “even” with your mother-in-law for how you think she treated you? Were you trying to tarnish her reputation with others? Whatever the case, of course she had a negative reaction!

Your husband is in an impossible position: He is caught between his love and loyalty to you and his love for his family. He can’t take “sides” without losing someone important to him. To ask him to “cut ties” with the family he loves is immature and self-defeating. Your husband tries to manage his dilemma by both telling you he agrees with you but still seeing him family. This isn’t working for anyone and is bound to blow up.

The person in the best position to change the situation is you. If you love your husband as you say you do, it’s up to you to get him out of the middle and to do your best to heal things. You do owe your mother-in-law a genuine apology for acting out as you did. She was the boss. You were her employee. If you didn’t like how she did her job, you were free to leave. There was no one making you stay if you felt disrespected. Do think hard about what you might have contributed to the situation and what you might have done differently. Knowing that will help you deal with other problematic relationships more successfully.

So – Go to see her. Acknowledge that your comments came from frustration and your difficulty with being both an employee and a member of the family. Own your part in the problems. Do not tell her she should be a different kind of boss than she is. It won’t work. She’s lived a long time being who she is. You can’t change her and it is unreasonable for you to expect that you can. Take your lumps. Since you have been trying to cut her son out of her life, she may not take your apology gracefully at first. But if you don’t blame or shame her and talk to her politely she may come around.

Then do your best to resume being part of the family. Attend family events with your husband. Invite your in-laws over. Be a grown up about it and eventually it won’t feel like an act. If you can’t figure out how to manage this on your own, I encourage you to find a therapist who can talk it through with you and provide some support while you shift your relationships in this family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 30, 2023 0 comment

How Do I Deal with My Toxic Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 12th, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in Macedonia: Hello. I would like to ask you how to deal with my mother who is always negative. First of all I must say that she is a good person and would never hurt me. However she has always been a very negative person which affects me really bad. Since I was a child,she has always been crying about her small health, financial and any other issue she would have. I’ve always lived in fear that something bad will happen,that she will die,that we are destined to be an unhappy family and I’ve never been happy in my home.

The first words I hear every morning must be her bragging or crying about something, its a very bad start of the day to see your mother unhappy but this is an everyday thing for me. She continues this during the whole day and even if someone says something positive she always has something negative to find. She is always crying,screaming to us,bragging how everything is horrible.When I try to talk to her about this,and tell her that this affects me really bad in every field of my life, she starts making drama and bragging to my father that I want to control her and that I am bad to her. Even though I only say to her that I want her to be more positive just because it will make us all happier, she tells me that I am mean,bad and horrible person who doesn’t respect her.

I feel very depressed because of this, she has made me think that things can never be good,never improve,there must be something bad in everything,that I am bad just because I don’t want to see her unhappy and bragging everyday…

If I tell her that I can’t listen to this everyday she tells me to go and live on my own than.I am only 20 years old student who can’t live on my own.I strongly believe that everything is energy, and wonder how to have a good positive attitude and life when I have such a bad energy coming from the most important person in my life.I must say that this affects my mental health really bad, I don’t want to wake up in the morning because I don’t want to listen to her , I hate my home, I am depressed and I am becoming negative on my own. I am very jealous to every happy family.

It sounds to me like your mother is profoundly depressed. She is looking at the world through a filter of negativity and despair. There’s a saying that every cloud has a silver lining. But for your mother, if someone gives her a silver lining, she immediately puts a cloud around it. It is a sad way to live, especially since it is so advanced that she can’t even let the love of a caring family help her change it.

You didn’t mention whether your father shares your concern. I certainly hope so. As a daughter, there is very little you can do to change your mom’s attitude. But your father may be able to encourage her to get into treatment with a mental health professional.

It is not healthy for you to deal with this constantly. Since you can’t yet make a home of your own, you need to find ways to “leave” without physically leaving. Leave for school early. Get involved with school activities or a part time job that keeps you out of the house as much as possible. Find other young people who are doing positive things through volunteer work or an activity you enjoy. Spending time with them will help balance out the negativity of your mother.

Don’t argue with your mother about her attitude. You can’t change her. She will only change if she decides to get the treatment she needs. All you can do is let her know that you love her — which is a lot.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 12, 2023 0 comment

How Do I Get Rid of These Toxic People?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 19th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My mother died when I was 15 from breast cancer. Growing up, her and I never spoke or had conversations. I knew little about her. My father had been making sexual comments me since I was 12 – would encourage me to dress up in my mom’s clothes, take photos of me, and then take them to work and call me a whore. He also had this paranoid obsession that I was going to turn him in for molesting me at 12.

He didn’t last at jobs very long – every 6 months we moved since I was the age of 5. I was pretty much ignored as a kid and left to my own devices until I was 15 and I became the scapegoat of my family after my mom’s death.

A lot of the scapegoat behavior was because I didn’t grieve my mom’s death and because my dad had been saying that “the father molests the daughter after the wife dies.”

Needless to say, I was used as a punching bag and my character invalidated. It interfered with my ability to be successful in school, as the constant moving had done.

I was thrown out of the house at 17 by my dad after he began calling the police on me to get me to leave. I had never committed a crime but he was arrested on the first occasion.

I left home at 17 and started working multiple jobs. I assumed everything would resolve itself and I would be left to my own devices – struggling working 3 jobs without a high school diploma.

Instead, I received a call at 18 from my mother’s sister’s husband – who left a message while I was a work.

I only met these people once in 1996 when I was 10. But for some reason, this man who I did not know, left a message calling me a “niece twice removed.”

I moved away after that and changed my phone number and address. However, with the advent of facebook, I’ve been contacted every 3-5 years with friend requests, strange demands asking me to call them. These strangers I don’t know.

I finally confronted my mom’s sister and she never apologized for the rude message, lies about having contact with my dad, and thinks I need therapy and to find Jesus Christ.

What I really need is for all these people to stop contacting me. How do I get rid of these toxic people?

It’s so very sad but true that not every kid gets the family that she deserves. You certainly didn’t. You were living under constant threat of sexual abuse. In a twisted way, it may be that your father did you a favor throwing you out of the house. He may have known at least on an unconscious level that he could no longer control his impulses to try to have sex with you.

Please give yourself lots of credit for having the resiliency and strength of character to survive and thrive in spite of such a rough beginning. I hope you have surrounded yourself with a “framily” — friends who have become a family that loves and supports you.

Unfortunately, there is no way to “make” your uncle stop contacting you unless he has done things that are serious enough to warrant a restraining order. What you can do is learn not to let it bother you.

As you rightly point out, you don’t know these people. You don’t owe them anything. They weren’t there for you when you were growing up and they have nothing to offer you now. You have every right to ignore their attempts at contact. You needn’t feel guilty about not responding. Being angry gives them more energy than they deserve.

Treat messages from them just like you treat “junk mail.” Toss it out and forget it. Focus on the people in your life who matter, not those who don’t.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 19, 2021 0 comment

How Do I Live with Toxic Sister in Quarantine?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 17th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 17 year old girl in the U.S.: I have an older sister and I don’t know if she is toxic but everything she has done in my past is really getting on my nerves. In my entire life, she has always made everything go in her way, with no regards to what i want. She is two years older than me and when it comes to me she literally acts like a child but calls me immature whenever she gets the chance. If she does something wrong she’ll blame it on me and won’t ever blame herself and calls me “airhead” or dumb because of it.

She always puts my brother before me no matter what. He is 5 years younger than me. If we ever shared a bed together like in a hotel on holidays, if he slept in between us, she would take the blanket off of me and stuff it under him even though he’s in between us.

She always asks me to back her up in arguments and I do but when the roles reversed she goes against me. We shared a room and if she smelled anything she would assume it would be me and one time sprayed me with air freshener. She takes clothing from me all the time but when I do it too it’s like the world collapses. She retaliates by hitting me, or by ruining my clothing and organization, and I still have scars from it.

I tell my parents and they scold her but tell me that I’m the bigger person by not defending myself at all and that’s just how she is. She stunk up our bedroom after moving back and I asked her for 3 months to clean it up since quarantine started and she still denied that it even smelled at all and my mom did all of her laundry so she can stop.

One time she punched me in my eye and kept scratching and kicking me because I simply took my shirt back from her. I could’ve fought back and surely could’ve won but I didn’t because my parents said that I was the bigger person for not fighting back. She has never given me a birthday present.

Also I am residing in my brother’s room (he hasn’t slept in here since we moved in) and have been for the past 2 years, and she, while on call w some of our mutual friends, said that I took it from him, like excuse me where did that come from. She spreads these things about me and once on a call again told me to be quiet cuz she could hear me from downstairs (the rooms are barely soundproof and ours are on top of each other) and I was quiet but when I said the same she kept denying it over and over again.

My friends believe her. I threw her a graduation party and she gives credit to my friends and didn’t even show up for my virtual graduation this year. I hate her and I stay up sometimes angry at her because she would always torment and yell at me whenever she got the chance. I was always walking on eggshells around her and I still am. Another time was when it was her birthday and we were putting up balloons and she yells at me vigorously that I’m putting it on wrong when she put that set of balloons on and I hadn’t even started yet. I’m mad at myself for not speaking back because it was so rude.

Another time was when her boyfriend asked me what presents to get for her. I said to get her makeup and guessed her skin tone and the rest he came up with. When she got it she didn’t like it and her boyfriend got upset about that and she kept nagging me to come to her to show her our messages and blamed her not liking the gifts on me and he didn’t even try to back me up. I told her I did nothing wrong and she said that she was being the bigger person by not talking to me. She apologized after a week but these things kept happening. I honestly hate her and have all this pent up anger and don’t know what to do.

What a sad, sad situation. Your sister has made it impossible for the two of you to have the kind of close friendship that many sisters enjoy. I’m sorry for both of you.

Has it ever occurred to you that your sister is threatened by you? She doesn’t seem to understand that there is room for two girls in the family. She puts you down because she doesn’t feel “up” enough. Her self-esteem is so low that the only way she can see to fix it is to make your self-esteem worse. I feel sorry for her.

I don’t know how this started. With only two years in age between you, she may not have been helped to welcome a new baby sister when you were born. It may be that your parents were so overwhelmed at the time with having two kids under two that they didn’t give her the attention she needed. If that was the case, from her point of view you were an interloper who took away the attention and care she was used to having. (That is not to fault your parents. Most kids in this situation grow out of the resentment and become helpers and friends. We don’t know why she didn’t.)

Now that she is 19, your parents have limited influence on her behavior. They probably feel as helpless as you do. They can try to set some rules for living in their house, but I imagine that she will only break them. Probably, the most useful thing they can do now is to encourage her to get some treatment for her chronic anger.

In some way, your parents are right. There is no way you can change her. There is nothing you can say or do that will help raise her self-esteem from the emotional basement it seems to be in. You are a “bigger person” when you ignore her provocations. Unless and until she gets herself into some therapy, all you can do is drop your end of the argument and get ready to launch into your own adult life.

The coronavirus makes it difficult, I know. Ordinarily, I would suggest that a person in your situation find ways to stay out of the house as much as possible by doing things like getting a job, becoming involved in a community activity, or doing research in a library. But those avenues are closed for now.

The best you can do is “leave” without leaving. That means zooming with friends, getting involved in some household fixing up or reorganizing, etc. or doing volunteer work. For example: People are making meals for people who need it, staffing phone banks, and sewing masks. Get yourself busy with doing something meaningful and the meaningless taunts of your sister will have less impact . Being active will also reinforce your positive self-esteem.

Do start researching what you will do next. You are out of school. Do you want to go to college? Can you start taking some courses now that will give you a jump start? Many schools are now offering free intro courses online. If college isn’t in your thinking, research what you can do now to position yourself for a job you want.

As for when your sister attacks: Just look at her sympathetically and tell her you are sorry she feels that and you’ll think about her criticism. That’s not a lie. You already do think about it. Just don’t give her the satisfaction of getting into an argument. The best way to stop a tug of war is to drop your end of the rope. You aren’t letting her “win”. You are putting yourself above it.

The data now suggests that we will be in some kind of quarantine for quite a while yet. It’s important to your growth and health that you find a way to distance yourself from your sister’s drama. I hope you will take some of the suggestions I’ve made.

In addition, I hope you will take care of yourself as best you can. That means getting enough sleep, eating right, finding a way to get some exercise and, if at all possible, getting outside for a bit every day. It would also be helpful to do some journaling and to learn some kind of meditation practice. Put all that on your schedule and you’ll be less available for your sister’s nonsense.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 17, 2021 0 comment

I’m Just a Pawn in Their Game…

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 14th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I’m a teenage girl living in Cali, USA. Ever since I remember, I’ve been struggling with mental illness. And it is very tiring to tell myself all these years that it will get better when it never has. I even see a therapist, but we’ve tried a lot of things and nothings worked even though I want it to work so badly.

It is probably because, no matter what, I can’t get away from my family until I’m an adult. Then I’m moving out of here. You see, I do like some members of our families, heck we even created some kind of support group for ourselves, but there’s others that are very toxic and I’m forced to hang out with since they live under the same roof. Heck, I even tried getting social services and a restraining order, but nothing has worked! But, I am one determined person and that’s the only thing keeping me sane.

When I was ten, some things happened (long story, can’t tell it in less than 400 words right now), that ended up as a scandal in my family. And what better to do with a scandal that left me with several PTSD than to use it to support your point? Want somebody to pay something? Bring up the scandal. And I can always hear them. Then, to make it worse, they then comment on me, saying that I’m a useless whore. Yeah, it was sexual assault, and I can’t do anything about it because “lack of evidence”…I even tried to get the police to intervene, but they did nothing as well!

And now it is almost Thanksgiving, and that’s by far my least favorite time of the year. Great, they’re just gonna argue again and bring up my story again and I’ll just gotta sit there and act pretty again.

So, I’ve a plan. Don’t know if it’ll work or not, since, well, there’s no telling if it’ll be successful. But I’m planning to write a book about my rather horrible childhood and publishing it somewhere. Even if one person believes the truth, then maybe I can finally find peace in myself.

As long as you are identified as being the only one with a problem, family members don’t need to face their own responsibility for whatever happened, and it’s unlikely things will change. However, since some family members are supportive, a toehold already exists for making change. From my point of view, then, this is a family therapy case, not a situation that will be improved with individual treatment.

If you haven’t already, please talk to your therapist about expanding your treatment to include the whole family. If the whole group won’t come, start with the people who are allies. If your therapist doesn’t feel qualified to change the mode of therapy, ask for a referral to someone who has experience and expertise in working with the whole family in the room.

Meanwhile, writing is an excellent way to manage your own feelings. I hope you are sharing your writings with your therapist. You will also feel more empowered if you are doing everything you can to get ready to live on your own. That means doing well in school so you have a chance at scholarships to college and/or developing some job skills so you can leave home and support yourself

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 14, 2021 0 comment

All My Life I’ve Been Criticized by My Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 1st, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Hi. This story has been in the making most of my life and seems a vicious circle that I cannot solve to both our liking & to my annoyance. All my life, I have felt mostly ignored & criticized by my mother. She came here from Europe at 21 after meeting my American father in Europe and marrying here. They were educated, but, I feel, “missed” the 60’s revolution and both seemed a little “square.” They also seemed to have learned much, but I always felt a little deprived for some reason.

I am the eldest of two sisters (2 yrs apart), and my father seemed to handle that well, and I found he usually defended me to my mother & to her dislike. I am much like both of them, and see many of my mother’s traits in myself, so I’d like some credit, besides having finished my BA degree and worked since being chased from the home at 26 yoa.

Because of that, I’ve always held a grudge to my mom, though over time, we had a few good moments. My younger sister seems to have always been able to get away with doing everything the way she wanted; not helping around the house, cracking jokes at my expense, not working as much and hanging out at my parents’ more. My mother even defends her when she’s not around, and at my expense also, and tells me I’m ‘jealous’ when she defends her, even if my sister is wrong, such as showing up late for an arranged dinner and calling to say she’ll even be later and to ‘wait up’ for her, etc., etc.

Over time, my sister has gotten even more critical and mean to me, though when she feels like it, she changes that, or when she’s like a favor, like a little money, etc. My mom seems to be easily swayed however. At first, she thought I was ‘successful’ working full-time and owning my condo. She would tell me on the side that my sister just ‘was like that’, which I refused to believe. My mom & I have constant arguments and she’s written me off permanently for speaking my mind. I resent it, but still want some relationship. She feels we argue b/c I’m single. Maybe, but I’m rational. It’s her also. Please suggest. Thx!

I don’t have enough information to make sense of how your mother treats you. It’s always sad to me when a parent isn’t able to show love and support to all of her or his children. There may be a secret that influences her behavior. She may have not wanted to have a child so young. She may see something in you that reminds her of someone who gave her pain in the past. She may not even know what it is that puts her on edge with you.

But regardless of the reason, you have suffered about this far too long. You are 53. You have done your best to connect with your mother in more positive ways. I think you can stop working so hard on the project at this point. Love her as best you can for who she is, and stop trying to change her or the relationship. The same for your relationship with your sister. Revisiting the old arguments only annoys them and disappoints you.

Instead, focus your energy on finding and maintaining a group of friends who respect and care about each other and who enjoy spending time together. Such a group can be a family of your own creation. By all means, stay in touch with your biological family but draw your need for nurturing and being nurtured with good friends.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 1, 2021 0 comment

How Do I Get Out of This Family Drama?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 3rd, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: My husband of 13 years has been unfaithful for years and I let it slide until 2018 when I caught him taking pics with another man in drag. He used the excuse he wanted to transform to a woman so I left. ( I say excuse bc after i officially left he changed his mind on changing)

My mom tells me to come home and before I decided I learned my father had a heart attack that almost killed him which set me into motion of coming home. I told her I was a failure and she gave me the support I needed and said i wasn’t which made me feel welcomed back.

Fast forward to today i feel like this woman hates me. My kids and I do stuff around the house for her, she even started to pay my youngest ones. But my sister never does anything. I’m not allowed to say anything about it bc it starts fights that I end up apologizing for when I feel it’s not me who needs to.

My dad knows she is lazy but told me to keep my mouth shut around mom bc he is tired of the drama. So I have. Now shes back to going through my oldest daughters things and if you say anything she denies it. My younger sister gets away with everything and I’ve let it go, but now they are attacking my 21 year old who can every much defend herself but it’s wrong. We can’t do anything right.

I live in a camper on the property, my oldest didnt want to stay with me so my mom said she could sleep on the couch and gave her a closet, that she has to keep locked bc my mom and sister go through her stuff.

My dilemma is I left one toxic home for another and I feel this one is worse than being with my husband. With him I got to speak, here I’m 10 all over again with a 17 yr old sister that runs the place. My mom treats me like I’m a competition to beat. Shes a compulsive liar, attacks me with nasty words anytime she feels a little threatened or I speak up for myself.

I finally got a job that dont pay enough and i have the kids in a steady environment. Grades are better, not missing as much school. They have friends and activities. I dont know what to do. My husband wants me to come home. And I have thought about it bc of the stress I’m in here, but I know things wont change with him. And I need to get away from my mother. I’m guessing I’m answering my own question by saying I need to find a second job to get away from both. I’m tired and not getting relief.

What a difficult way to live. I understand why you are so frustrated. I do agree with you that it would be a mistake to go back to your husband. You deserve better. Believe it or not, I also agree with your father. Trying to change your mother is futile. Why put yourself through the frustration that comes with trying?

You are not going to change your mother. You are not going to change your sister. What you can change is how you deal with the situation until you can get out.

There is no point in defending yourself or arguing. Arguing with your mother just tells her there is something to argue about. When a rational person argues with a crazy person, the rational person ends up looking crazy, too. If your mother invites you to fights, decline the invitation. Say something neutral (like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”) and leave. If she blocks you when you try to leave, just stand there and hum, pray, meditate — whatever helps you not respond — until she gives up.

Your daughter has it right. Lock up what you don’t want your mother to see. Stay in your camper or visit friends or the library or go for a walk when you’re not at work. There’s really no reason to go over to her house. If you help out, she criticizes. If you don’t help, she criticizes. So why put in the effort to help?

Meanwhile, make a plan for how to get out of there. Can you get a better paying job? Would it be wise to get some schooling to retool? Can you do some volunteer work that will prepare you for better work? (At the least, it will keep you out of your mother’s crosshairs.) Is there live-in work in your area (like being a nanny or caregiver) that you can consider?

Do team up with your daughters on all this. They are old enough to be a team with you. They don’t need to argue with your mother either. It won’t change her. It only depletes them. Work together to figure out how you can make a better situation for yourselves.

I also suggest that you and your daughters find a family therapist to help you sort out how best to manage living on your parents’ property until you can get out. No, I don’t think you are “crazy”. I do think the situation is crazy-making. You deserve to have someone in your corner who can potentially come up with solutions you haven’t thought about already and who can provide you with some support.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

June 3, 2021 0 comment