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Turning Point

Is This Food Obsession Really About Food?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW August 21st, 2019

I had naturally been apprehensive to meat when I was younger. I liked to eat, but I didn’t really like meat (aside from the taste). Then, 6th grade came along, and I started having problems: depression, (the past, not now) suicidal and many other things. Along with that, a lot of changes were entering my life: I was about to enter junior high, and I had insomnia. Then, I decided to become vegetarian and anorexic. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t a complete vegan at first. I was “98% vege”, meaning that I ate hotdogs/hamburgers/chicken nuggets/bacon/top ramen soup. In seventh grade, I became full-fledged vege, and continued to have problems. In eighth grade, I turned my life around, and was the food nazi: no food additives, no meat, healthy as you can be.

Then I started running in 9th grade, that brought problems of enough energy, so I just ate more. (Oh and I have ran ever since in xc and track up until senior year 2nd semester, now I am training for a marathon). 10th grade came, and I found out that cheese had rennet….so I stopped eating it. 11th grade came, and I learned about gelatin….stopped eating it. 12th grade 1st semester: (btw, I was slower this year), I have stopped eating yeast (they eat things unlike plants, they seem too much like an animal).

Now, I am scared to eat eggs (not because anyone told me anything which I DON’T WANT TO KNOW), or anything with them in it: bread, pasta, brownies….Right now I am reduced to potatoes/rice/beans and some fruits/veges. I want to eat yeast again, and I might want to eat the things with eggs in it (because I used to LOVE pasta and bread)….thing is, I can’t. I am not that caring of a person, I am just slightly autistic and I have sensory issues and images get burned easily in my mind…. What should I do? Oh, and is this more of a mind issue or food issue?

Thank you so much for reaching out for help The short answer is that your food issues aren’t really about food. From what you describe, 6th grade was somehow a turning point in your emotional life and you developed depression, insomnia and anorexia. I’m curious about what happened that year. Was there an event or situation that triggered your symptoms? Were there changes in your family or environment?

You mention that in 8th grade you “turned your life around,” and yet you continue to become even more strict about your diet. Controlling what you eat and the size of your body can be a way to gain a sense of control when other parts of life seem out of control. Focusing on food can be a way to manage intense emotions or a way to numb your emotions in general. I encourage you to get into therapy with an eating disorder specialist in addition to meeting with your doctor for a thorough physical evaluation. To find a therapist in your area click Find Help at the top of this page.

Your food obsession is a sign that you have intense unresolved emotional pain that needs attention, and that you are likely suffering from an eating disorder. Please, seek help so you can heal from your food obsessions and learn healthier ways to cope with the difficulties that you’ve experienced in your life.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

April 3, 2011 0 comment

My illness ruined our relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 20th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. When we first got together our relationship was perfect. We had been friends for awhile and decided to take it to the next level. He was attentive and loving and made me feel special. He would go out of his way to do things for me or spend time with me. I had been in a lot of bad relationships in the past and before we got together I had been single for a little over two years. The lessons learned from those past relationships helped me to see where I was going wrong and to learn to be happy alone instead of constantly seeking someone to fill some void. I’d gone so far as to make out a very long list of the things I needed, wanted, and wouldn’t mind having in a relationship. My current boyfriend filled almost all of them.

Eventually though issues in my life started to arise, health issues that he noticed. I had always had some that bothered me but no doctor had really been able to give me a diagnosis. My boyfriend just accepted that who I was was who I would always be. He talked me into going in search of a doctor that could tell me what was wrong and eventually we did get a diagnosis and meds to help. That was the turning point in our relationship, when he found out that part of who I was was changeable. That there was actually hope that we could fix it.

That part of me is my weight. I’m not obese but I am over weight and it has been something I have struggled my whole life with. I work out, go to the gym daily, eat healthy yet never seem to lose. Before the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome he just accepted that my shape was set in stone but now that he sees it’s not, he wants me to change it.

We’d had so many talks about me moving to be near him, moving in together, getting married. At the beginning he was even begging me to come see him all the time. Now that’s all changed. It’s gone from “come this thanksgiving” to “We’ll see how things go”, from wanting me in his life to telling me I need to be in shape before I get there because he’s just not attracted to bigger girls.

On top of that he’s stopped spending time with me, I have to beg him to drop what he’s doing to make time for me in his life and he always acts like it’s a sacrifice. I feel guilty for even asking. When I bring these things up to him he’s genuinely sorry and feels terrible. He makes promises to change and says he wishes he were a better person but nothing ever does change. It just keeps going and I keep feeling terrible and unloved. I’ve started to question sometimes if he really loves me or not. I’ve doubled the time I spend at the gym, gone on a stricter diet, taken all the meds and advice my doctor can offer but I still worry about his conditional love. Is it even the right move to cater to it at all? Isn’t real love worth working for but what is too far? And what if one day something happens and I gain the weight back (assuming I manage to lose it all in the first place), will he still love me or will he suddenly lose his attraction for me?

I love this man very much. He is almost everything I have wanted to find in a man and I can’t picture my life without him. I’ve tried expressing myself, I’ve tried making the sacrifices, I’ve even tried being very pointed with my comments so he can see what he’s doing wrong when he’s doing it. Nothing has worked. I know you can’t expect a person to change themselves for a relationship but I don’t know how to fix this, what to say or do. And I do want to fix this.

You are asking important, important questions. You are also taking a huge amount on yourself. You say you know that you can’t expect a person to change themselves for a relationship but you don’t expect your boyfriend to give you the same courtesy.

It looks to me like you’re doing everything and more than can be expected given your diagnosis. I wish you success in your efforts to be healthy and strong. But healthy and strong doesn’t always mean being model-thin or even typical. From what I read, keeping your weight down is likely to be a challenge throughout your life. Do you want to always live with a “diet policeman”? Does he always want to be the cop on that beat?

Accepting your diagnosis means accepting all of it. For you, that includes doing what you can to work with your doctors and to continue to eat right and exercise to avoid the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, or high blood pressure. For your boyfriend, it means accepting that even when you are doing the very best you can, you are still going to have the medical problem and the issues that come with it. He needs to learn the difference between being encouraging and being demanding. If he isn’t attracted to bigger girls, you’re not the girl for him. Instead of making you feel bad about this, he should be looking at why he’s coming up with that issue at this stage in your relationship. Instead of feeling like there is something wrong with you, you need to be asking yourself why you would love a guy who is this unloving.

You can’t “fix this” on your own. I suggest you take a big step back from the relationship. Work on your own health and well-being. As you feel healthier, chances are you will also have more energy and more interest in a social life. You deserve someone who is going to love and cherish you – all of you. If he can’t come to terms with that, then your current boyfriend isn’t the guy for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 29, 2011 0 comment

Longtime Boyfriend Constantly Lies

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 29th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and lived together three of those years. Six months into the relationship I found him parked in his workplace parking lot with a woman at 3am. That night he had gone to a friend of ours house and I stayed home because I didnt feel well and when I woke up at 2am and he still wasnt home and wouldnt answer his phone i became worried. Now 3 and 1/2 years later i do not believe that he was cheating on me with that woman but he was sincerely just dropping her off but that night was the turning point in our relationship.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the prior incident but then another six months later he started distancing himself from me. He wouldnt come home after work, didnt wanna do anything, and his cell phone glued to his hip at all times. Of course I was suspicious and he knew it but denied anything was wrong. But then the night of my birthday he stayed gone all night and didnt come back home till 4am when i asked him what happened he said he had fallen asleep at a friends house. I knew he was lying but didn’t have any prove… yet. The very next night once again I caught him with another woman at his workplace. Needless to say he moved out my house that night. I was devasted, lost 30lbs in a month and went into deep depression. But then he came back three months later said he had made a mistake but did not cheat on me just thought the grass was greener on the other side.

So after him proving to me that he was going to do anything it took to earn my trust back and make things right he moved back in. The next two years went by with no major problems but I drove myself crazy wondering if he was going to leave me again, checking his phone, making sure he was where he said he was. I became obsessed about trying to catch him in a lie again. Eventually I found on his phone where he had been back in contact with the last woman he left me for and i sat him down and confronted him about it and he said they were going to still be friends and I just had to get over it. That was not acceptable for me! I was the one he “loved” and he should be doing whatever it took to make me feel secure in our relationship (so I think).

So when he wouldnt agree to cut off the friendship with her I left my house and went and stayed with my sister for a week and told him I was giving him time to get his stuff out. Well that week went by and he still hadnt moved anything so I went back and started packing his stuff for him. So he moved to his Grandma’s house. Two months later I moved out that house also and in with my sister. We were still seeing each other but not seriously when I turned up pregnant by him. I wanted to have that baby but he kept saying “we cant afford a child right now”, “we’re not even together”, “but it’s your decision” his actions led me to believe that he did not want our child. So I did what i had to do and the following week I find out his is dating a woman that has a two year old little girl!! Once again I was abandoned.

Even though he was with someone else he was constantly texting me and telling me he missed me and loved me and wished things were different. Now in the past 8 months he has been going back and forth between me and this other woman that has the daughter. He says he cares about her but she’s not going anywhere in her life and he loves the little girl. He says he knows he isn’t going to be spending the rest of his life with her because he can’t live without me and will always love me no matter what.

He is now back with me but we are not living together and just lastnight he wouldnt answer his phone and when i went by his house at 10:45pm he wasn’t home but when he finally did talk to me he said he had been home since 8:30pm and had fallen asleep.

Everyone tells me to just move on but it’s not that simple. I love this man with every bit of my heart and can not give up on our love even if it does drive me crazy with trust issues. I know he has it in him to treat me right I just need to know how to talk to him. Our communication skills are awful and when we have problems he tends to want to take the easy way out and avoid the situation until a few days have gone by and everything is blown over. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone but that’s what makes it even more confusing to me. How do I let him know what i need from him without causing an argument and make him understand how he has destroyed my self confidence and trust for him and how can he get it back? How do I get him to understand that if he wants us to work then he has to invest more time and effort in it because I’m scared that when I finally do move on then he’s going to be the man that I know he can be. Please help me get my sanity back and a little understanding of the way he seems to be thinking. Thanks for listening and helping.

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think either of you is ready for a committed relationship. You may have started this relationship four years ago but you were only in your teens. You two are still acting out high school drama. What you are calling love looks too much like dependency to me. What he is calling love looks like it only lasts until there is another opportunity. Regardless of what he says, his actions tell you he’s not going to be the kind of guy you want.

I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. I do suggest you find a therapist to help you develop more self-esteem and more confidence so you can find someone to love who will really love you back. You deserve much better than your so-called boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 16, 2011 0 comment