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Two Brothers

Is This Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 4th, 2021

I’m only 13 years old. I think I am bi-polar but I honestly don’t know whats wrong with me. My mom is a single parent,my dad died when I was only 6 months old. Anyways, I am always depressed and sad for no reason. I’m always arguing with my mom and my two brothers everyday. When I do I act so crazy I dont even understand why I do. Then I cut myself. Not with a knife,with my nails.

I want to stop and I want help but I feel like everyone is gonna look at me like I’m crazy,probraly am. I feel like my mom doesn’t know how I feel in the inside and I try to tell her all the time but she always says that I need to go to a mental hospital. But only if she knew how I really felt,I don’t think she would say that.

Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back and hope that everyone will just forget about me and go on with their life. I dont know what to do. I’m so young and I’m just so crazy. I hate myself and I cry all the time about it and just think to myself why cant I be a normal kid and why can’t anyone just understand me. I only have one small scar. When people look at me they must think I’m happy cause I act normal when I’m out in public and with my friends but really in the inside I’m just depressed and filled with emotions that I don’t know how to get rid of. I just want to be normal and wish that my family can just understand.

I’m so very glad you wrote. I’m sure it’s frustrating that you can’t get through to your mom. She may be thinking that this is normal 13-year-old girl emotionality. She may not want to believe that her little girl is in so much distress. On top of that, you act normal a good deal of the time so your mom and other people may think you’re just into drama.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re crazy. You do need to see someone who can help you sort this out.

I suggest you start with your school guidance counselor or school nurse. They can often be helpful in talking to a parent so that a student gets services. Your family doctor can also help. At 13, it may be that you have a hormonal imbalance that is contributing to your up and down feelings as well. Please do get that checked out. If you are physically okay, the next step would be a mental health evaluation and perhaps some counseling to help you deal with your stormy emotions and the tension in your relationship with your mother. You are motivated to be “normal.” You’ll do well in counseling.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 4, 2021 0 comment

Trouble with Parents

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 19th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

To begin, I live with my mother and two brothers. My mother has been going threw a divorce from my step father for 2 years (who I’ve lived with since I was about 6 months old and is the father of the two brothers I currently live with). My biological father lives in Israel and has never really been involved in my life, just weekly phone calls.
Anyhow, we just moved out of our house and into a new one and I have been constantly fighting with my mother. I feel like she actually hates me, and over the past couple of months our relationship has been crumbling. I try to work as much as I can (babysitting, piano lessons, etc) while going to school, and I pay for/ do everything on my own. Gas, laundry, insurance, etc.

And my mom says all of these hurtful comments to me and I honestly don’t understand why and I guess the reason Im on this forum is to see is maybe you have a clue? She tells me Im a selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, inconsiderate.. but I really don’t see how?! She tells me I have no idea what she is going threw, no idea what kind of stress she is under, but not once has she asked me how Im handling this divorce? How is school? Hows my LIFE..

For instance.. my car completely broke and its 800$ to repair and I don’t have that kind of money and she tells me she wont help me because of the way I treat her, and thats not her priority. I’m not even expecting her to pay, but the fact that she shows no sympathy for how Im going to commute to school or work is upsetting.

She does anything for my brothers, but wont do anything for me.. she’s never really shown me affection, I cant remember the last time she said “I love you” or even given me a hug without me having to mention her lack of affection first. I’m not sure what to do anymore because it’s starting to really wear me down.

Another issue I have is with my step father.. he’s under the impression he’s always been here all my life. But in actuality he hasn’t, he has never supported me finically, and only until recently- maybe even the divorce- has he started to become in tune with my life emotionally. Anyhow, I was telling him about my issues with my mother and he offers to sell me his car.. which is JUNK for 1300 (WAAAAY OVER PRICED) .. and then he tells me I can rent out the room in his house for 300 a month.. should I be appalled? He claims to be my father and he’s asking me for money to live with him? Idk Im utterly disturbed and I feel like I no longer have anyone to rely on.. not even my parents/mother
Im not even sure what my question is.

What a mess! Sometimes life is indeed very, very unfair. It sounds to me like you’re doing everything that can be expected of you and more. Your mother may be projecting her feelings about herself onto you. Money seems tight all around so both parents cast about for ways to keep or get what money they can, forgetting that you are still their child, not an adult who should take total care of herself financially. But having some guesses about the reasons for their behavior isn’t going to make you feel any better.

I don’t think you are going to talk sense into either of these people. They are going to have to come to terms with themselves in their own time. What you can do is focus on making a life for yourself. At 18, you are almost at a point where you can be independent. If you want to go to college, study hard so you will qualify for some scholarship aid. If you aren’t interested in more schooling, start thinking about how you can make enough money to get a place with a friend or two.

Most important, look for other adults who can mentor and support you. Not all of us get the family we deserve. Sometimes we have to make a new “chosen family” to get the emotional base and practical support we need. Perhaps one of your friends has a family that is happy to fold you in. Or maybe you have an adult friend through school or work or an activity you belong to. Nurture those relationships. They can enrich your life.

Hopefully, your folks will eventually come to their senses and be more parental. But if they can’t or won’t, you’ll feel better if you have developed a circle of caring people you care about.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 19, 2021 0 comment

He sexually abused his stepdaughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 29th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a recently married 44 year old male. I married this woman a year ago but we have been living together for 4 years. I consider her family, her children, and her grandchildren as my own. This is my concern; all her children live normal, successful lives except her daughter, whom just turned 25 and is the younger of her two brothers. She is a very attractive female, she is attends online-college, is independent, and she lives by herself. She follows the same routine; she has no friends, and spends every weekend at our house. She is very quiet, never talks at all she rather reminds me of a child. Her mother told me that she was diagnosed with manic-depressive but she has never shown any signs of mania, just depression from time to time. I asked her mother about maybe setting her up on a date but her mother told me no, she said her daughter has told her she is a virgin and doesn’t want to date anyone. I asked her mother why she is a virgin she said she doesn’t know but doesn’t like to ask her daughter too many questions. She said her daughter is smart but even as a child had issues socializing. Her teachers will call her mother daily because she refused to play with the other kids, this is partially the reason why they chose not to skip her to another grade.

I really want the best for her that’s why I’m writing but I feel bad about what I did. One afternoon she and I were home together. She was watching T.V. and she had on a baggy t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts. I couldn’t help myself from looking at her in a way that I shouldn’t. She is much more attractive than her mother is, she had a beautiful natural look, and knowing that she is a virgin made me look at her in a sexual way. I stared at her for a long time and on other occasions as well. Again she and I were home together, she walked into the kitchen to get something to drink and I purposefully cornered her, I touched her inappropriately but she didn’t tell me to stop she sort of froze in a coward position and just looked away. I touched her a couple more times, her breast and vagina; I even took my hands and rubbed her clitoris, and she didn’t stop me. She backed away but she couldn’t go very far and I moved closer she started breathing heavily and I hugged her and kissed her neck she tensed up, and starting shaking a little than the phone ranged and I stopped. I need help; I don’t want to do what I have done. She is irresistible to me. The fact that she didn’t tell me to stop made me think that I could probably go further and get away with it, and because she didn’t tell me to stop makes me think that she wanted it. These thoughts keep going through my head. After that day, she didn’t come over for 2 weekends in a row, than she started coming over again but I noticed that she avoids being left in the house with me. There are still times when we are alone, and I find myself staring at her. I’m afraid I might take it a step further, how do I stop this? What should I do? I’ve never taken advantage of anybody I don’t know what makes her different, even if I’m really taking advantage of her. Will therapy help me? Because she didn’t say no or stop than I didn’t really do anything wrong, did I?

Stop kidding yourself. Immediately. We both know you did something very, very wrong. You describe a vulnerable, socially awkward, lonesome, and timid kid and then you want me to support you in taking advantage of her? Please. Her reaction to your sexual abuse is one of a traumatized person, not a willing partner. My guess is that she is terrified of you. She may also be protecting what she thinks is her mother’s happiness by not telling on you.

If you have any moral compass at all, you should take yourself out of the home, tell your wife what happened, apologize profusely to both your wife and your stepdaughter, and get yourself into serious therapy. The girl is NOT irresistible. Apparently your impulses are. You need to take a hard look at why you would exploit someone who clearly is already troubled and decide what kind of man you want to be.

Your wife may not forgive you. You should have a really hard time forgiving yourself. But if you do your therapeutic work and support your wife in getting help for her daughter and herself, there may be a chance to save this marriage. If you don’t love the two of them enough to do the right thing, I see little chance for a happy outcome.

I wish all of you well.
Dr. Marie

May 6, 2010 0 comment