Tag:

Unrealistic Expectations

I Don’t Have the Number of Friends I’d Like

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 26, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: For a long time I’ve found it difficult to make friends despite trying really hard (joining many things where I have ongoing contact with the same people, local things, initiating further contact etc). Work is a difficult option given commuting distance and hierarchies I’m at the bottom of.

I’ve undergone extensive therapy to find out why and do something about it but therapists haven’t been able to find a reason, I do not have a personality disorder or mental health condition not even social anxiety. I score average in personality tests. My only issue is that I come across as “quiet” as I’m softly spoken but have been advised there’s no way I can make my voice louder without straining it. Some do have an issue that I don’t have an attendant partner and don’t have children.

I’ve kept my spirits up by using CBT eg remind self we all go through this, just have to keep trying and it will happen. And I’ve kept trying by joining new things to the point that people now comment on I do a lot.

I do have a few friends which I’m happy about. But it’s always good to keep meeting new people and making new friends as people do move on. I dread ever having to move from my current area (expensive) given it would take years to build friendships in a new area.
It’s so discouraging seeing others including those with similar personality types and even those who can be quite nasty easily making friends whilst I put in so much time and effort.

It seems to be a sign of the times where more and more are finding this whilst others have no time to admit new people into their lives.
It seems I need to come to some type of acceptance about my situation and somehow need to manage with less people in my life even though I’m social. I’m happy to continue with ongoing activities but want to manage the disappointment of friendships not developing from these. How do I go about this as I do not want to undergo any more therapy for a problem I don’t have or doesn’t appear fixable.

I think you are correct. Your problem isn’t that you don’t have enough friends. The problem may be that you have set a standard for “enough” that isn’t realistic. You say you have a few friends. You say that you keep meeting people and that you are involved in many activities. That suggests to me that you in fact know a lot of people who know who you are but you don’t think you have enough close friends in your inner circle.

We live in a time when people have hundreds of “friends” on social media and where stories in movies and TV shows seem to indicate that life should be populated by many, many people being involved in our lives. It may be some comfort to you to know that research doesn’t support it.

You are in your 50s. Most people your age have 3 – 5 really good friends in addition to a few extended family members who are important in their lives. Think of types of relationships as being like an archery target. The middle bullseye is you. The next circle is that 3 – 5 good friends and family. The next circle out is for acquaintances and work people — people you see regularly who know you a bit but they aren’t people you would confide in. Beyond that is a circle of people you recognize from your community or church, etc., but don’t relate to other than a smile of recognition or a wave. The next circle is populated by strangers.

It is also true that when we reach adulthood, it is harder to make friends than it is for young people. Adults often already have enough friends and family members to keep track of. Friendships take time to develop and maintain. Often people’s lives are so packed with work, family obligations and personal stresses that there simply isn’t time to take in a new friend, even if they would very much like to.

I think you should focus on maintaining the friends you have and getting other social needs met by continuing to engage in activities and work that you enjoy. Perhaps some of those relationships will evolve naturally. But I do want you to know that having a few good, good friends puts you well within what is normal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 26, 2024 0 comments

My Parents Only Communicate Through Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 12, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old. I moved away from home this past fall for college. Since then my parents have been communicating through me. They constantly call me and rant about the other as well as tell me to relay messages.

I want to focus on school, but it is becoming difficult. My mother is very manipulative and my dad is very easily irritated. They are always wanting me to pick sides and bashing the other. I gave GAD and OCD so even when I should know my mom is lying, I still question it because of my GAD.

It’s causing major issues in my day to day well being and the extra stress and pressure is extremely hard to cope with. The issues they want me to communicate about are things like my FASFA, or my sister’s health, she has diabetes. They are things, that without me, would never be done or settled. It’s hard to focus on myself when I have such big issues to worry about.

I have to tell them to do things all the time. I feel like the parent. What should I say to them to get them to communicate?

I understand why you feel trapped in this pattern. Your parents would rather make you responsible than accept responsibility for themselves. Being a responsible person, you can’t let things drop. However, it is part of growing up to set boundaries with parents and to separate from destructive family patterns.

Regardless of other issues, it is your right to refuse to talk to your parents about their complaints with each other. Remind them that they got a divorce for good reasons and there is no point in continuing their fight with each other through you. Then change the subject. If they won’t change the subject, tell them a polite “good bye” with the comment that you’ll be glad to hear from them when they want to talk about something else.

I am aware that some of the things your parents want you to deal with are too important to abandon without putting something in place. For example: You didn’t mention how old your sister is. If she is a teen, it’s time for her to take responsibility for managing her disease since her parents can’t or won’t. Talk with her about how she is coping with the self-discipline that is required for good diabetes management. Encourage her to have a talk with her endocrinologist and perhaps to seek out a support group for young people who are dealing with diabetes. If necessary, remind her that refusing to take care of herself is not at all likely to get her parents to change. It really is up to her to do what she needs to do to have a long and happy life.

As for things like your financial aid: Do talk with the Financial Aid office at your school to see if there is any way they can get you out of the middle by dealing with your parents directly.

If you find that you just can’t extricate yourself, please do consider seeing a therapist for support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 12, 2022 0 comments

I Think I’m Ruining My Life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 28, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I’m ruining my life. I can’t figure out what my problem is and I can’t help but feel like I’m exaggerating the depth of it. I’m currently in medical school – in my 2nd year. I’m supposed to be in the third but I failed my very first year. It’s been like cycle, everything is repeating itself all over again. I can’t explain why I failed my first year. I didn’t fail any exams – I just didn’t go. I kept lying to everyone about it. Summer came and I had to fess up. My dad wanted me to pull out but I insisted on going back because I knew I didn’t fail for the reasons he thought I did. It wasn’t because I couldn’t handle the workload – I just never tried. I gave up in an instant. No one forced me into medical school – I’m here on my own accord.

My 2nd trie at 1st year didn’t go any smoothly. The same cycle repeated itself. I locked myself away from the world, ran away from my problems by watching K-dramas but I had friends to help me out. My family helped me out too. Now, I’m in my 2nd year, about to take a major exam and I’m screwing it up all over again. This year went well to be honest. I made friends, didn’t lock myself out and worked hard (but not to the fullest because I am lazy!) But exam is here and ipdespite having friends who are trying to help me out, I’m falling back into the same cycle. I’m locking them out, lying through my teeth, not going to my exams. My parents have no idea because I lied that I was already done with my exams. I wasn’t always like this. I knew how to motivate myself. I wasn’t always this helpless or childish. Out of three kids, I’m the level headed one. My friends have given up and I’m scared. Why can’t I stop lying? Why can’t I stop panicking? Why can’t I get my shit together? Why do I keep looking for excuses to justify my stupidity. Why am I single-handedly ruining my life? Why do I feel like I’m blowing things out of proportion. Maybe I’m just scared of failing. I’m tired of not being able to figure myself out when I figure people out easily.

Your letter indicates that you judge yourself harshly. Within the contents of a few short paragraphs you called yourself an exaggerator, a liar and someone who was helpless and childish. You also seem to consider yourself a failure because you can’t solve your own problems.

That type of thinking is consistent with people who are depressed and who harbor unrealistic expectations of themselves. Humans are not born with innate problem-solving knowledge. That type of knowledge is learned. Sometimes it is learned from a good mentor or from our parents or caregivers. For those wanting that knowledge, counseling could help. You are the perfect candidate for counseling.

It’s important to stop being so hard on yourself. That kind of attitude has the potential to prevent you from seeking therapeutic help. It is the same kind of attitude that prevails among many in our culture. Seeking mental health treatment is nothing to be ashamed of. Counseling can be immensely empowering and it can change your life for the better. I would recommend trying cognitive behavioral therapy. It is evidence-based and problem-solving oriented. It targets both thinking and behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

July 28, 2021 0 comments

Angry at Least Once a Day

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 11, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hey, I’m only 23 years old and I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I don’t take any meds or hormones, don’t drink coffee, don’t eat sugar, get plenty of sleep (10 hours average), am not over worked, live a very low-stress life style, eat organic, go hiking at least few times a month and smaller walks more frequently, and have a very patient boyfriend of 3 years. The thing is I have very little sexual drive, except when I’m on my period, have no inspiration or creativity(I used to be very artistic), and almost every day, no matter what part of my cycle I’m in, I have at least one angry melt down where something went wrong(like trying to flip an egg and it doesn’t flip right and the yolk breaks) and sometimes it happens multiple times a day. I actually avoid cooking eggs now because I suck at flipping them. These melt-downs rarely end in tears though. I just get really really mad and I feel my temperature rise. I kind of wish I could cry more actually, and I’m wondering if hard drug use in my teenage years has affected me, and is still affecting me 5 years later. I still have happy moments through-out the day. My days are just very up and down. I feel like I have no passion left except for anger and random ideas that I’ll never actually get around to or finish. I do notice the day before my period I have an ultra-meltdown that keeps getting worse. This last time I beat up my bed and tore everything out of my closet, scattering around the room. You know, I think I actually felt better when I was smoking and drinking coffee because now I’m completely sober, I’m fully aware of what’s going on in the world and I’m mad at the whole world. I feel the pain of the whole world and the Earth and I’d rather just hide in a cave with a bunch of pillows and blankets.

Anyway, I’m just wondering what the hell is going on. I feel like I’m doing everything “right” and I still am very angry and freak out on a daily basis. I sometimes feel like I don’t know who I am as a woman, that I am not “womanly” probably because of what I see in the media(I don’t have TV and only recently got internet for the first time in 5 years). I don’t wear any make-up, no jewelry and I don’t shave. I do wear semi-feminine clothing though. Also I don’t have many friends because I live 8 miles off a crappy dirt road. Please help because I’m scaring my dog and my boyfriend.

Regarding your anger, you may be impatient. At its fundamental core, impatience is the inability to perceive reality clearly.

What’s most important is managing the emotional reaction that accompanies impatience. It’s irrational to be angry about something you can’t change. When you fully understand that fact, you will have healthier emotional reactions or no emotional reaction at all.

For instance, sitting in traffic is a time when many people experience impatience. Traffic is always irritating but especially so when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. No matter how angry you become, how long you sit there will not change. You will still have to sit in traffic for as long as it takes, not one second less.

Anger about a traffic jam is irrational and only serves to increase your stress level. A much healthier reaction would be tuning into your favorite radio station or news talk show or book on tape and enjoying the mandatory, inescapable delay.

No one’s happy to be stuck in traffic but it is one of the many things you have no power to change; don’t worry about the things you cannot change.

You might find the serenity prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous quite instructional: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Regarding creativity and inspiration, your expectations might be unrealistic. Don’t wait for inspiration to do something you want to do. Just do it. In doing something creative, that, in and of itself, can be inspirational.

Your main issues seem to involve emotional instability and unrealistic expectations. These are correctable with counseling. A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) would probably be most appropriate. The heart of CBT is examining the connection between thoughts, feelings and dysfunctional behaviors. It could help you a great deal. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

April 11, 2021 0 comments