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Upbringing

Wife Is Having Emotional Affair

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 2, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Here’s my story: Married for 12 years with two beautiful children. During their upbringing, the wife and I grew distant of each other. She began to treat me badly with little respect and I began to emotional disconnect with her and stopped providing the emotional loving support that she needs. Looking back – we both were at fault!

Her solution was to start an emotional affair with an old boyfriend – it may have started with a sexual encounter but that’s not been confirmed. This lasted for 3 years and she continued to lie to me about it even though I knew the truth. This obviously affected my ability to reconnect to her emotionally. We have discussed this issue over the 3 years never getting to the root cause of her having an emotional affair. Her mindset is, “if I don’t get it from him, I’ll get it from someone else”. After time, she realized that she couldn’t take this affair any further and it began to slow down.

Then she was introduced to social networking and hooked up with another man from her past – and has started another emotional affair – this one is much more serious where they have told each other that they love each other and are trying to make plans to be together in the future – he’s married with children too. I found out about this affair and have confronted her with this. During these discussions, she FINALLY confirmed that she had an emotional affair #1 – something I knew all along. And insists that this is harmless. I however know better and have stumbled on to detailed information that prove this emotional affair is even more serious than the first. She claims to have broken it off completely, but I know for sure that they are still carrying on behind my back – she is now lying to me every day.

She is attempting to work with me to “fix” our marriage, but this to me is just to serve her guilt of what she’s doing. It’s hard to take anything she says or does seriously, since she is constantly lying to me and carrying on with this other man.

They are close to taking this emotional affair to the next level – meeting in person. I’m at the end of my rope – I’m trying to fight for my wife – but am questioning whether I’m wasting my time. She’s done this twice – what’s to prevent her from doing it again and again. I think she needs help but don’t understand what’s going on inside her head.

I need help – I need to understand what she is going through and is this worth saving our marriage, or is she beyond saving. Just let her go and be with the other man and let her become his problem.

The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

Counseling can solve great problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach your partner morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong; according to every major religious doctrine that I am aware of.

You mention that her cheating is “emotional” and perhaps also sexual. She explains to you that emotional cheating is not really cheating. Love is emotion, perhaps the most powerful and meaningful of all emotions. When she turned to another man for her emotional needs, she invalidated the totality of her marriage to you. A marriage is based on love and trust and the most sincere belief that your partner will protect you from pain. Your partner has inflicted pain with a callous regard for your feelings and safety and overall well being.

She has purchased her happiness at the cost of your suffering. She plans to leave you and is making plans to do so. Does she care how this will upset your life or hurt you? You ask her to be honest with you. Why, because you would like to be prepared for your future. You would like to minimize the pain that potentially lies ahead. She continues to lie to you so that she will still have you if her affair doesn’t work out or her new man decides he doesn’t want her. You are her insurance.

What bothers me the most is her constant lying to you. She has found lying to be a functional part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship. Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about your self. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours. She is not ready to leave you because she has yet to find someone who will accept her. I’m sure you are a convenient baby sitter and help pay the bills. You have proof that she is planning or at least attempting to leave you. Is your relationship over? It has been over for many years, even before her affairs.

She is insensitive to your well being. She doesn’t care if she lies or cheats and is anxiously attempting to find your replacement.

I can understand that she is unhappy in her marriage. I can understand that she wants more. I would agree that she should have a good strong marriage. I can not accept her belief that these things are accessible through lies and deception. I would say instead that theses things can never be acquired through lies. The only things acquired through deception and cheating is the illusion of that which she seeks.

The decision is yours. Good luck.

October 2, 2022 0 comments

Wife’s Issues Harming Children

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 5, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am fairly convinced that my wife has some degree of bi-polar disorder. She goes into fits of rage over any question about her, her parents or upbringing. She constantly belittles me and talks bad about my family to the children.

It has escalated in recent years with her attempting to push me, going into 20 minute tirades where she brings up everything that I had done over the last 12 years and her drinking has increased. She drinks to the point that she is carried out of neighborhood parties with the children crying out of embarrassment then blames me. Those who dont tolerate it are ‘fake people’ but the others are ‘true friends’ and she has been going out and staying out all night this past month.

What is of greatest concern is that her explosions have increasingly come in front of the children resulting in them crying hysterically and her threatening to ‘kick me out’. She yells at them and then goes into a dialog of how much she does for them and how lucky they are.

It is very stressful but I need confirmation that this is what I am dealing with and how do I proceed?

It’s unclear whether your wife has bipolar disorder. Emotionally she is unstable but it might be due to her drinking. The fact that she is drinking makes it difficult to determine if a mental health disorder is present or if her drinking is the main problem. It may be a combination of both but I cannot make that determination based on this short letter.

What is clear is that your wife’s drinking is excessive and is causing a great deal of distress for your marriage and for your children. Both you and the children are subjected to her tirades. It’s abusive, unacceptable and something needs to change.

Encourage her to seek psychological treatment or inpatient rehabilitation if necessary. If she is unwilling to seek treatment, then you must take action. This might include seeking psychological help for yourself so that you know how best to deal with your wife or temporarily moving out of the home. Your children should not be subjected to your wife’s tirades. It most certainly frightens them and it’s abusive.

You may also want to consider an intervention. By this I mean you and members of your family come together as a group and ask your wife to seek help. During the intervention, members of the group describe how her behavior is affecting them and ask her to receive help. Perhaps she would be willing to seek help if she knew how her behavior was negatively affecting friends and family.

I can confirm the fact that there is a problem but I cannot determine the precise problem that is causing your wife to behave in such an unstable manner. Utilize the help of mental health professionals to assist you in dealing with your wife and children. I firmly believe that trained mental health professionals can give you the best advice about how to proceed. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

June 5, 2022 0 comments

My Wife is Spoiling for a Fight

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 9, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

First, some quick background. I am a male with a history of bad behavioral decisions that end up biting me in the rear, often months later. One decision I made in t past 6 months was to quit my job (no warning, no job to transition to) due to the treatment (high stress, high responsibility, low authority, etc.) I was getting. My blood pressure and blood sugars (Type 1 diabetic) improved over the next few months and I got a new job in December. But the stress of that decision put a lot more strain on my already brittle marriage. My wife is very money conscious (due to some bad money situations before we met) and this additional strain on her income was heavy. In the middle of this already “Joyful” experience, she demanded that we move to reduce her commute, as “that wasn’t my problem anymore”. I moved us and essentially completed most of the move before Christmas.

What I am having trouble with is the situation that has existed for a few years. My wife is not very in touch with who she is now nor what she wants. Partially her upbringing and partially clinging to the belief that if she spends a great deal of time doing something, she will be rewarded in a deep and meaningful way, she is very unhappy. Both she and I have a long history of depressive behavior and both have had less than stellar experience medicating for this. I strongly believe that the lack of communication success between ourselves has been related heavily to both wanting maximum rewards for what she focuses on (regardless of what is asked for or needed) and not knowing what she wants really. I get short tempered when I seem to keep stepping in arguments with her and she sits and claims moral superiority (i.e. “Here is the datum that shows a detail is wrong in your plan, ergo you are wrong.”). Mix in a lot of job stress where her preferred superiority and desire of credit for effort (not result) has been highlighted and noted as a weakness in her managerial role. This recipe ends up in needing some advice from a professional while I try to figure out how we can see a therapist long term (I have to convince her somehow).

I do not want to argue with her. I want to understand what is upsetting her when she is upset so that I can modulate my behavior or avoid her touch points in daily life. She will not focus on helping me, preferring to find other topics to push me on (budget, who took care of the dog, what meeting she has to reschedule). This results in me feeling like she wants me to stumble into her issues, let her blame me, then let her solve the problem by getting rid of me (an approach she keeps flirting with and telling me she will do at the drop of a hat). How do I talk with her to help me while not setting her off. Or am I better off just distancing myself until she wants to talk with me? I can’t change her but I would like to change what I am doing to unstabilize this brittle structure.

You’ve written an articulate and thoughtful letter. Although you don’t want to fight with your wife and acknowledge that you can’t change her, you do spend most of your letter talking about her issues. I think you would get better results if you focused on your own for a time. You don’t need to convince your wife of the wisdom of getting professional help before you get started on it for yourself.

You see, long-term couples (whether married or not) develop a system of communication that becomes cyclical and self-fulfilling. You both know your roles and lines really well. You can’t get out of the recurring drama because you cue each other. If one of you can change your role, the other will have to respond. By going to a therapist yourself, you can learn some new ways to think about the situation and you can learn new skills for getting through the impasse. When you behave diffently, your wife will have to learn a new role as well.

If you decide to go this route, it’s essential that you do it without judgment on your wife. Simply let her know you are starting therapy. Don’t suggest that you are superior for doing so. Don’t pressure her to join you. Just let her know that you want to figure out your part in what goes so wrong between you. Also tell her you’ll be happy to include her when and if she is willing.

Meanwhile, jump into therapy with enthusiasm for the project. At the very least, you may finally get a handle on your pattern of making poor decisions. At best, you may learn how to be more effective in your marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 9, 2011 0 comments