Verbal Arguments Archives

From the US: I love my girlfriend greatly and she treats me better than I feel any other girl could possibly do. I could see myself being with this girl for quite some time because of the way she treats me. We have been together for only ten months, but moved very quickly because we have known each other for years. She moved in with me after a couple months because she lived too far away. Everything went fine for a while, but I am starting to have second thoughts and it shames me to do so because she is such a wonderful woman.

I am 24 and going to college in the GI Bill. She is 22 and has no direction. I believe her lack of motivation is part of the problem. She works 50 hours a week at a job with no opportunity for advancement. She comes home and is angry and tired, so she usually just lays down and doesn’t want to do much. I feel this is also part of my loss of attraction.

Finally, sexually we were fine at first but I found myself losing attraction to her because she doesn’t have as big of a sex drive as me. Also, she never really comes onto me like she used to. It is either I have to “initiate” the contact or nothing happens. This has caused me to lose a lot of sexual attraction to her. I have talked to her about all this and realize that there are things I could change too, but when I vocalize myself she either gets defensive and it turns into a fight or she attempts step back and put more effort into the relationship but only does this for a short period.

I know this all seems like a long rant, but I am trying to summarize the best as possible. Basically, I love this woman more than anybody I have ever had these feelings for but my sexually attraction is dissipating and I am generally just left wanting more excitement (I don’t mean strictly sexually).

I have to wonder if your girlfriend is depressed. She moved in with you from far away. Does this mean she left her family and friendship circle behind? Now she is working at a dead-end job 50 hours a week. Meanwhile, you are supported by your GI grant, and you get to go to school everyday. You get to meet people, to hang out and pursue studies that interest you.

Your girlfriend doesn’t need your complaints about how she isn’t exciting. She needs your help to have a more exciting and rewarding life. I hope you can find a way to talk with her about how you can help her explore some career options that are more rewarding. If you did some part-time work to support the two of you, could she drop some of those hours? Are the two of you developing some friendships with other young couples? If not, do talk together about how you can find other couples who share your interests. Are you finding fun things to do on weekends to enrich your lives and to give her something to look forward to at the end of a long work week?

Wonderful people are hard to find. I hope you love her enough to put in the effort to support her emotionally and to work with her to create a happier lifestyle.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I will be 50 this year. I weight 400 lbs. or more. I am seen by society as lower than a child molester. I hate the way I look. I can hardly walk and breathing is difficult when I walk.

I don’t understand why I don’t do something to lose the weight. If I hate how I look, shouldn’t that be enough to go on a diet an exercise? I have a gym membership but I never go. No one I knows goes to this gym so I don’t have a work out partner. I once lost 80lbs but gained it back and more. What do I do? I am miserable.

I don’t go places like I use to because of space concerns, people saying things about me which I say thimgs back and have been in numerous verbal arguments. What do I do?

First and foremost it is important to examine your attitude. We can’t choose our life circumstances but we can choose our attitude towards those life circumstances. The tone of your letter gives me the impression that you are harshly critical of yourself. The harshness and negativity is very self-defeating. Think about this question: Does self-denigration lead one to feel more or less motivated to achieve their life goals? I believe the answer is less motivated. Consider this line of thinking: “I should be losing weight but I am not. I did lose weight and I gained it back. This is proof that I can’t do it therefore I should just give up.” That is an example of how negative thinking can lead to a negative outcome. It only makes situations more difficult. The same holds true when it comes to achieving other life goals. Negative thinking is a barrier to a healthy and happy life. It is important to find a way to eliminate your self-deprecating attitude.

Secondly, it is important to be practical and realistic. Some have likened weight loss to drug or alcohol addiction: it is a long road and there will be relapses along the way. In both cases, relapsing is a speed bump on the road to success. It is not a reason to stop trying; consider it part of the process. Losing weight is not simply a matter of going on a diet. It generally requires a lifestyle change but one that is manageable and not overwhelming. This change will not happen overnight. Patience is essential.

Guidance is also a necessary ingredient to pursuing your weight loss goals. My third suggestion is to seek outside assistance from a personal trainer, a nutritionist, or a therapist who specializes in helping his or her clients achieve weight loss. You may benefit from seeing all three types of professionals. You need to explore who will provide you with the best and most effective guidance. It is easy to fall back into old patterns and habits. Having outside guidance can help you remain focused and on track.

Finally, you may also want to consider joining a support group, in-person or online. Support groups provide much needed help. Joining a support group would also prevent isolation.

Don’t give up hope. Everyone has life struggles. Your unique struggles are with weight. It will not be easy to overcome but your health and happiness are worth the effort. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Verbal Arguments

I Love My Girlfriend But I’m Losing Attraction

Obese and I Don’t Do Anything To Help Myself