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Voices In My Head

Is DID Ruining My Life?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 15, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have suffered MH problems from aroound the age of 6 (now 24) at 14 I was put on anti-d’s and at 19 I was diagnosed with OCD and BPD. The thing im struggling with the most is my severe dissociation, for many years i thought i had just been falling asleep or blacking out, i started to notice the signs; a funny smell, headache and stiff neck but still couldnt control it happening, then people started saying things like “oh u were behaving very oddly the other day” and i wouldnt even recall that i had seen them, my mother once said “I dont know why in some situations you start acting like a man, smoking walking and talking like one” over the past two years ive communicated more with the voices in my head to which i had previously thought everyone had, i now know there names and communicate the most with a 15 year old called Billy, my ex partner said he used to come out alot and was quite aggressive in his manner she said he liked different things to me and stuff, ive in the past been arrested for assault and not remembered a thing about whats happened.. then there are child alters that come out less often but when one did my ex said “if u saw what u were like u would be very embarrassed”.

Ive just finished DBT and other than simply losing time i didnt tell her about the alters, although im pretty sure she has spoken to Billy and not realised it “u were very aggressive when u spoke to me”…again no recollection.. she once said she felt i was very fragmented and that my dissociation is more severe than it to just be a symptom of BPD.

I know its not seizures because when i was in psych hospital they sent me for an EEG and it was clear.. ive done the sdq20 privately online and scored within the DID bracket. I see a psychiatrist every three months (im in the uk) and i have a care-co-ordinator.. its getting worse of late and billy is expressing he wants to kill people especially my mum.. the last few times ive found smahed objects and theres been self harm, i have also come to in some odd places… in the harbour, on the motorway.

I dont know where to go from here or even if i def have DID, i feel too embarrassed to tell my psychiatrist, because when i mentioned it in hospital it was swept under the carpet. and i fear they wont believe me because it sounds so odd but i really dont want someone dying all because i didnt get help.. i/he has already come close to killing my cousin apparently i had the strength of an ox, a mad look in my eye and i knocked her out then repeatidly kicked her in the head. Im really scared please help.

I would suggest that you make a detailed list of your symptoms and bring them to your psychiatrist. Perhaps he misunderstood you and this could explain why he did not provide you with a satisfactory response. It might have been a simple miscommunication. A detailed list would give him the opportunity to fully analyze your symptoms and come to a conclusion about what your diagnosis might be.

If you do try to speak to your psychiatrist and still feel as though he is not addressing your symptoms, you can always seek a second opinion or even a third. Search for a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or who has experience treating individuals with this disorder.

Some clinicians never see a case of DID during their entire careers. This could explain why some mental health professionals are not fully convinced that DID exists, although it is a recognized disorder in the DSM-IV.

Though you might have DID, it’s also important to realize that you may not. It’s best not to assume that you have the disorder. At this time, I think it’s important that you are properly evaluated by a mental health professional. It is imperative that you do this sooner than later especially because of your fear that you may harm someone. It would also be helpful if you had a trusted friend or family member who could be with you and monitor your behavior. This person could objectively verify whether or not you are engaging in a particular type of behavior. He or she could also speak to your psychiatrist and corroborate your behavior and symptoms. This might help your doctor to understand more of what you’re going through.

I hope you’re able to find the help that you need. If you believe that you may be a danger to yourself or others, please do not hesitate to go to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. The emergency room can provide you with immediate help. Please take care. I wish you well.

August 15, 2023 0 comments

Could I Be Mildly Schizophrenic?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 21, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My grandmother was schizophrenic. Sometimes I wonder if I could be mildly schizophrenic. When I was 13, after receiving a OUIJA board, I became convinced, for about a year, that I could use the OUIJA board just by imagining it. Then I thought the spirit was communicating with me by making me spell things out in sign language, or write things. I became very frightened about this, to the point of having nightmares and feeling sick, and I would pray for the “spirit” to leave my body. Strangely, it eventually went away and I forgot about it. For many years I believed this really did happen. When I grew up I realized it could not have been true.

Sometimes, usually when I am very tired, I start thinking that it could be happening again. The other night while I was in bed, I had a slight tremor in my hand (probably a result of my carpal tunnel) and I started thinking the spirit was back. I became paranoid that the spirit was taking over my mind. I started thinking, “Am I really thinking this or is the spirit making me think this?” So every thought that came to my mind, I thought the spirit was making me think. I started praying for the spirit to get away from me. I listened to music and fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I remembered it, and thought I was totally crazy to have thought all that!

Also, I sometimes hear people’s voices in my head. For instance I will think I hear my friend’s voice, in my head, saying a regular sentence like, “We need to buy milk” or “I’m going to bed. I know it is not the person’s real voice, but I used to sometimes wonder if I was psychic. Sometimes I would ask the person, the next day, if they had said that.

Except for the huge thing with the spirit when I was a kid, these things have been very manageable for me. But sometimes I wonder, could I be like my grandmother? I am very nervous about this. I work with children, and I am afraid if my mental health declines, I will lose everything. Plus, my family members all hated my grandmother, and I’m afraid they will hate me too.

Though I cannot know with certainty, your symptoms do not seem indicative of schizophrenia. Many people who own a Ouija board believe that they are interacting with spirits through the Ouija board. That is especially true among children and adolescents.

The other symptoms that you are concerned about occur when you are on the verge of sleep. Many people report having unusual sensory experiences during that time. Your experiences are more likely related to your drowsiness than being symptoms of schizophrenia.

It is important to know that because your grandmother had schizophrenia, it does not mean that you will develop the condition. The fact that your grandmother had schizophrenia increases the likelihood that someone in your family will develop it but that risk is relatively slight. Many scientists believe that schizophrenia has a strong genetic component but there is no known singular cause of schizophrenia. Many complex factors may be involved.

If you continue to be concerned about having schizophrenia, it may bring you peace of mind to be evaluated by a mental health professional. The advantage of meeting with a mental health professional is that he or she can review your concerns, gather a detailed psychosocial history and make a determination, with relative certainty, whether or not you have schizophrenia. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 21, 2021 0 comments

I Disappoint My Family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 5, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 15 years old and the youngest of five kids. Growing up all I ever wanted was for my sisters to like me but they forever criticise. They comment on my weight. On my love life and about how I look. They tell me to get the salad when we go out for tea and that breaking up with my ex-boyfriend was a bad idea because he was good looking, they didn’t care that he wasn’t nice to me. Then I was sexually abused by some boy and when I confided in them they told me I brought it on myself. They tell me they don’t like my friends and that I’m not very popular. My parents think they’re all perfect and call me the ‘disappointment child.’ I broke down the other day because when at church we were singing a hymn and my sister leaned in and told me I had to stop because it was awful. I study music and my voice is my instrument. Voices in my head constantly remind me that no-one likes me and that I am ugly I can usually make them say nice stuff but they’re getting worse. I cry all the time and they don’t care! They talk about me behind my back instead and I just don’t know what to do anymore!

Your parents and siblings are huge disappointments! No kid should be the target for criticism and harassment in her own home. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves for tolerating the way your sisters treat you and for joining in the bullying. I don’t really have enough information to analyze your family. My only guess is that your siblings are jealous of you. Unable to match your gifts, they put you down to feel better about themselves. Sometimes parents try to even out their kids’ abilities by putting a gifted kid down. They think they are preventing the other kids from feeling bad. As I said, I don’t have enough information to understand what’s going on so those are only guesses.

I do know this: Not every kid gets the family they deserve. Not every kid is loved, protected, nurtured and supported by their family as they should be. It’s sad and frustrating but it’s the truth. Some kids just don’t get a fair deal. But that doesn’t have to determine what happens in your life. You have a gift. Don’t let anyone take your voice away from you. It’s probably your ticket to a good college and to a different life. Work hard on your music. Write songs to help yourself with the pain. Get yourself involved with a chorus or choir or musical theatre or a band. Such groups will put you in contact with people who share your interests and who support each other is making beautiful sounds in the world. You may meet older people who can mentor you and help you on your way.

In 3 short years, you’ll be able to leave home to go to college. Work hard in school and in activities that support your music so you can apply for a music scholarship. The quality of your life doesn’t have to be determined by your family. You can set your own path and make a future that is filled with supportive people who love you for who you are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 5, 2021 0 comments

Fear of Being Schizophrenic

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 18, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

First of all I want to apologize if my English is bad. I developed extensive fear of having/being on the onset of schizophrenia (and psychosis in general) after I read medical articles on the internet about symptoms of schizophrenia. I noticed that I sometimes hear “voices” in my head, more precisely in my mind, usually when I’m lying in the bed and waiting to fall asleep. Now I know of hypnagogic states and hallucinations and visions in half-sleep state, but my “voices” (which I do not actually hear, as if someone talk to me, but like inner speech in my mind) and closed-eye visualizations of vivid images sometimes occur when I’m aware that I’m still awake, sometimes even during the day, usually but not exclusively when I’m tired. I can describe my “voices” as thoughts of random (often nonsensical) short sentences or words that are usually non-related to the topic I think of at that moment. They come unexpectedly, I feel like I’m not choosing what is going to be “said”, but I know they are just thoughts and that they are produced by certain processes in my brain, even if I don’t understand how and why, and is having this condition sign of loss of mental health. I don’t believe that someone is controlling my mind, or that someone is putting those thoughts in my mind, or that I’m reading other people’s minds etc. I do not talk to these voices because I do not consider them to be entities which you can talk to. One of other problems I consider potential symptom of psychosis is that I often have very random and nonsensical inner speech, which I stop as soon I realize I’m having it. I am also occasionally paranoid, more precisely I get very anxious if there is any possibilities for something bad to happen to me, and I just can’t put those catastrophic thoughts out of my head, even being aware that they have low chances of happening. I have lot of irrational thoughts which I recognize as irrational. I was diagnosed OCD several years ago after I was being frightened for a months of possibility that I am bisexual (I could not explain to myself whether certain emotions I feel toward men were homosexual impulses or not, or whether I like these feelings and impulses or not). Now other therapist agrees that I have OCD but says that I also have borderline personality disorder. I occasionally doubt in my diagnosis and seek reassurance. I also sometimes doubt that maybe I did not exposed my problem to therapist on appropriate way, or that my therapist do not want to tell me my accurate diagnosis because I could be frightened of the fact I’m having/developing psychosis. The problem and anxiety is bigger if I more often think about “developing schizophrenia” ad vice-versa. I can feel ok for long periods of time, but suddenly one of those “voices” just appear in my head and I get really upset and I get anxious for days.

I know that there are lot of differences in between “my case” and typical schizophrenic/psychotic case, and I’m aware of my history of (predominantly obsessive) OCD, but I just can’t help myself to overcome this problem and live without these unusual worries. My therapist has prescribed me Rissar – 2mg; Rivotril – 2mg; and Cipralex – 10mg for dialy use .Thanks in advance.

You have been thoroughly evaluated by mental health professionals who believe that your symptoms are characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Though I do not have all of the details of your case, it seems that their diagnosis of OCD, rather than schizophrenia, is accurate.

Individuals with certain types of OCD are overly concerned with the possibility that they have a serious health or mental health disorder. Individuals with that type of OCD often focus on what they consider to be the “worst” health or mental health disorders. Schizophrenia would fall into that category.

If you have not done so already, I would recommend speaking to your therapist about your fear of developing schizophrenia. In all likelihood, it’s a symptom of OCD. It is important that your therapist knows about how strongly you fear developing schizophrenia.

OCD tricks the mind into believing things that are not true. In that way, it can be an insidious disorder because it significantly disrupts one’s ability to see reality clearly. Thankfully you are participating in treatment. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

March 18, 2021 0 comments

Schizophrenia At My Age?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 16, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I realize that around my age and older is when symptoms of schizophrenia begin to show. I am extremely concerned that I may have it. I hear voices and see things all the time. The voices in my head introduce themselves to me, and sometimes speak in different languages. I have a friend that has Schizophrenia and she said it is usually obvious, and that it looks as if I am showing early signs. I feel as if I can read other people’s minds. The voices in my head tell me things. Sometimes good, more often bad. It’s affecting my school work because they will shout things at me in Italian. I have done extensive research on schizophrenia, and I have many of the symptoms. Such as delusions and disorganized speech. So far I’ve counted 29 voices in my head. Do I need to check in to a mental hospital? Or do I not even have Schizophrenia. Please help.

I do not believe that you have to “check in” to a psychiatric hospital at this point but you should have a psychiatric evaluation. You can do this several ways. One way is to go to the hospital and request a psychiatric evaluation. Generally, an individual would utilize this option if he or she is experiencing significant or severe distress or there is an emergency. Typically, an individual would be admitted to the hospital if the evaluators suspect that they are a danger to themselves or to others.

Another way to have a psychiatric evaluation is to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. You would choose this option if there was no immediate psychiatric emergency. Your parents can call the local community mental health center and schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. Your parents can also speak to your primary care physician who may be able to recommend a psychiatrist. Another option, if you have health insurance, is to call the telephone number on the back of your insurance card. The insurance company typically has a list of mental health professionals they recommend and who are “in network.”

As I mentioned above, it is imperative that you are evaluated as soon as possible. Auditory hallucinations are not a common occurrence. It is a symptom that should be investigated very thoroughly. Hallucinations, both visual and auditory, are associated with schizophrenia but they can also be brought on by drug use, fever, organic brain disorders, dementia, and on rare occasions, parasitic infection.

Please speak with your parents immediately about having a psychiatric evaluation. It is best not to assume that you have schizophrenia or any other condition. You will not know what, if any, disorder you have until you have been thoroughly screened by medical and mental health professionals. In the meantime, it is important to remain calm. To the best of your ability, try to engage in activities that are stress-free and that you find relaxing. If the voices are worse during certain times, for instance when you are alone, try to distract yourself either by watching television, listening to music or by being in the presence of others. Other stress reducing activities include physical exercise, deep breathing, meditation, and yoga. I am not suggesting that you engage in these activities as a way to treat a possible diagnosis of schizophrenia. I am simply recommending that you reduce your stress levels as much as possible because increased levels of stress might exacerbate your symptoms.

The next step for you is to speak your parents and to be evaluated. I know it may be difficult but please try not to worry. Worrying increases stress and at this point, you want to focus on stress reduction. Effective treatments exist for virtually every mental health condition. Please do not hesitate to write again if you have any additional questions. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

January 16, 2011 0 comments