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Words Of Wisdom

Forgive Him or Get Him Out of My Life?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 11th, 2019

I am 21 and am dating a 29 year old who used to be a addicted to cocaine before he started dating me. he’s done pretty well with not doing drugs with me with him knowing I do not, and will absolutely not tolerate drug use around me or in my life. we started dating 6 months ago and from the beginning I told him one thing I never wanted him to do. lie to me about it. I caught him in a lie last saturday while he was trying to get it. I am in complete denial with the situation. He has usually been very honest with me if I ask him a question. I don’t want this to effect my trust with him towards other things, like woman but i’m scared that it might.

maybe I just need some words of wisdom to help me forgive him? there is nothing that hurts worse to not be forgiven when the person really is ready to change or if i’m in complete denial and should get him out of my life asap.

I do not think you are in “complete denial.” You are expressing appropriate concern about his lying behavior. You are asking if you should “get him out of your life asap.” That is a difficult question to answer. Below I will provide my opinion but only you can determine whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

He had a serious drug problem before the two of you met. He says that he has stopped. I can’t be certain of this because of limited information but it seems as though he did so without any professional help. Quitting drugs “cold turkey” is often very difficult. The success rate is very low. It is a very difficult way to deal with the problem of addiction.

When you and he began dating you explicitly told him not to lie, especially about drug use. You recently caught him lying about trying to get drugs. Your hope is that it was a one-time only event. That may or may not be true but given the high relapse rate associated with the “cold turkey” approach it is likely not the first time he has lied about attempting to get or use drugs. If he was trying to score drugs, then in all likelihood he was planning to consume them. I would not recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that you should indiscriminately end the relationship but further investigation is necessary. You need to determine whether or not he is using drugs. This information can help you decide about the direction of the relationship.

Make him aware of your concerns. Have an open and honest conversation. You may want to consider asking him if he would agree to regular drug screenings (home testing kits are available in drugstores). Unfortunately, he is in the position where he has to prove that he is trustworthy. Lack of honesty and trust will destroy a relationship; so will drug use.

How you will handle this situation depends in large part on what you value and how invested you are in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of relationships. His infraction may have been a one-time mistake but it is a red flag. Ignoring it would have been an unwise decision on your part. Thankfully that did not happen.

I hope this answer provides some insight about how to proceed. If you need further guidance you may want to consult a therapist. You may not need a therapist for more than a few sessions. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

May 26, 2011 0 comment

Job Burnout and My Employment

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 5th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m an Air Force veteran… separated from service in ’95 honorably. Since ’95,I’ve been through 14 jobs all told (9 welding, 1 maintenance and 4 odd jobs for cash). I liked the Air Force(welding/machinist) job and a mining machinery job the best… I’ve been released from probation during the maintenance job and fired from a welding job two years ago over a dispute with the boss about timeliness/quality of my work(which he was becoming more critical about). Most jobs I’ve been laid off from; however three weeks ago I was laid off from my last job after an anger episode I displayed after a project I was working on needed rework when I made a mistake due to not understanding what was to be done.

My last boss and most of my supervisors agreed that I do good work overall (I hold a welding certificate from the state of Illinois and Missouri), but I’m feeling increasingly resentful towards my career field due to lack of work, layoffs,minimal pay/benefits when I’m working, ill equipped shops, a**hole type coworkers/supers at some jobs,etc. My wife is going through stressful times trying to help/care for her mother,who has some form of dementia and is uncooperative and combative in some instances… And our 16 year old son is having trouble in/with school.

All of this adds up to some hard times emotionally/mentally for me and all of us. I myself have noticed I’m getting a “shorter fuse” so to speak with my job issues.. and I don’t like it. I’m afraid I may already be unemployable since I’ve sent out over two dozen resumes/applications earlier this year and have attended six interviews with no results. Any and all words of wisdom,advice,recommendations,etc. will be much appreciated. Thanks for your help.

Yeah. Times are really hard for the trades. I do sympathize with how frustrating the job situation is. It also sounds like your house is becoming an emotional pressure-cooker. You’re angry. Your wife is stressed. Your son is having some troubles of his own. As tempting as it is to want to sink into a depression, it certainly won’t help. In fact, you’ll end up feeling even worse because then you’ll be depressed as well as jobless.

I have to tell you: 2 dozen resumes and 6 interviews is barely scratching the surface when it comes to serious job hunting. The rule of thumb is that unless you are making 2 contacts a day, you aren’t really looking. Finding a job is your job right now. That means dedicating at least 40 hours a week to the project by searching the job market, making personal contacts, arranging for informational interviews, and perhaps searching farther afield than you have been.

Or — maybe it’s time to retool. At only 45 years old, you have a whole career span (20+ years) available to you. If you go back to school to learn an additional skill set, you may make yourself more employable. If we were talking in my office, we would also start to brainstorm other job possibilities for you. Some jobs might be related to what you already do but I’d also encourage you to think about other options that you maybe never allowed yourself to think about before. If you’re on unemployment, there might be funding available for you to retool. As a vet, you may also have educational benefits coming to you. Do check with your local VA to see if they have career counseling or job placement counselors available.

We’re not done yet: I also hear you when you say that your “burnout” plus the home situation is resulting in a short fuse. It might be that you have more of a chip on your shoulder than you realize. People are surprisingly sensitive to when there is a powder keg in the room. It doesn’t make for good relationships with co-workers and bosses. An anger management group or a course in conflict resolution might give you some better tools for handling your frustration so you can be effective, not just angry. This would be helpful on the home front as well as on any job. Again, check with your local VA. They might be able to tell you where to get that kind of help.

I’m impressed that you wrote to us for suggestions. You are doing your best to take responsibility and to take charge of yourself. That takes some of the burden off your wife and it is a positive role model for your son.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 5, 2011 0 comment

Job burnout

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 30th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m an Air Force veteran…separated from service in ’95 honorably. Since ’95,I’ve been through 14 jobs all told(9 welding,1 maintenance and 4 odd jobs for cash).I liked the Air Force(welding/machinist)job and a Mining Machinery job the best…I’ve been released from probation during the maintenance job and fired from a welding job two years ago over a dispute with the boss about timliness/quality of my work(which he was becoming more critical about). Most jobs I’ve been laid off from;however three weeks ago I was laid off from my last job after an anger episode I displayed after a project I was working on needed rework when I made a mistake due to not understanding what was to be done.

My last boss and most of my supervisors agreed that I do good work overall(I hold a welding certificate from the state of Illinois and Missouri),but I’ feeling increasingly resentful towards my career field due to lack of work,layoffs,minimal pay/benefits when I’m working,ill equipped shops,a**hole type coworkers/supers at some jobs,etc.

My wife is going through stressful times trying to help/care for her mother,who has some form of dementia and is incooperative and combative in some instances….and our 16 year old son is having trouble in/with school. All of this adds up to some hard times emotionally/mentally for me and all of us. I myself have noticed I’m getting a “shorter fuse” so to speak with my job issues..and I don’t like it.I’m afraid I may already be unemployable since I’ve sent out over two dozen resumes/applications earlier this year and have attended six interviews with no results. Any and all words of wisdom,advice,recommendations,etc. will be much appreciated.Thanks for your help.

Sometimes life truly is very unfair. You’ve had a lot heaped on your plate at once. The economy stinks. You wife is probably less able to be supportive right now because she is also trying to care for her mother. And you must both be very worried about how best to help your son.

Part of the problem with jobs may well be the economy. But you also have the integrity to see that you have issues that are contributing to your unsteady employment. I certainly respect that kind of honesty. You can hardly be blamed for being frustrated. But as you well know, how you handle that frustration can either help or hinder your employability.

You enjoy your work. You’re good at it. It’s a testament to your abilities in your trade and your positive social skills that you’ve been hired by so many places. That’s an amazing track record during these hard times. It says to me that you will find more work if you keep at it. You will keep the work if you also do what you need to do now to learn to manage your frustration and retool so you stay competitive.

I wonder if you are taking full advantage of the help available from the VA. You may qualify for educational benefits so that you can add some specialized skills to your resume. Do also check out www.vetjobs.com/ if you haven’t already. Meanwhile, look into whether there is a counseling center (either through the VA or a community clinic) near you where you could get some coaching on how to handle your frustration more productively.

Meeting with your son’s teachers and the school guidance department may give you some direction for how to help your son. Most important of all is to stay involved with your son’s life — both by supporting him in his schoolwork and by making it a point to spend time doing things with him. That lets him know you are in his corner. It might be helpful for you and your son to be more involved in his grandmother’s care. If the family works as a team, no one will feel like their needs are always taking second place to grandmother’s illness and your wife won’t feel like it’s all on her. Finally, many local senior centers have support groups for those who are caregivers of people suffering from dementia. Helping the helper is key to preventing burn out.

As daunting as this whole situation may be, your best bet is to stay active. You have several fronts to manage at once. Take a big step back and make a list of the things you need to do to keep yourself and your family in balance during this difficult time. A plan of action will focus your efforts. Use the period that you’re on unemployment to hone your skills or get some additional training. Show your son that when the going gets tough, the tough get going by using every resource they can find.

I do wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 16, 2011 0 comment