Tag:

Young Man

Son Unsupportive of Dad’s Cohabiting

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 1st, 2022

My beau and I are both in our late 50s, with two children each. Mine are adults living on their own. He has an adult daughter who lives with her mom ( but sees her dad frequently) and a son still at home, who goes to college. His son does not get along with his mother and he moved in with his father two years ago. The problem: my beau has told his son that we are in love and plan to be married, but circumstances require that I move in before we wed. Three of the four children are OK with this and are supportive. The son, who is really the only child left at home, refuses to consider this. He says he will move out if I move in. He is angry about it. (the other three are girls, if that matters). He has been supportive of the romance, saying that his dad is “nicer” to him and “doesn’t yell as much” because he is happy with me. (My beau is a quiet, kind introvert who doesn’t yell.)This young man is 20. We want to move ahead with our plans but also want the son to be comfortable with everything and NOT move out. We both want him to remain in the home with us. Any advice would be very welcome. Thank you.

I have to admit I’m confused. Why is it so important for this young man to be comfortable with your choices and to continue to live with you? He’s 20! He’s in college. He’s grown up. It’s a good idea for him to get uncomfortable living at home. Otherwise, why would he ever leave?

I suspect he doesn’t like your plans because it will disrupt his life some. He’s got a good thing going in his all-male household. Forgive the stereotyping, but women generally like a neater environment. If that is true of you, he’s going to have to mind his manners, pick up his socks, and be generally more considerate if you’re around on a daily basis. Furthermore, the last time he lived with a mom, it didn’t work out so well for him. (I’d be curious about why he left his mom’s house. It’s at least possible that she was making reasonable demands on him that he didn’t like. You might want to hear her out at some point.)

I don’t think it is at all wise for you and your beau to let this overgrown kid hold your life hostage to his demands. It gives him far too much say in his father’s life and yours. You two are in your 50s. You are lucky to find each other. Don’t waste time dickering with the boy. Next time he “threatens” to leave, just say something like, “Well – that would be too bad but of course at your age that’s your choice to make,” and help him pack.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 1, 2022 0 comment

Lost My Youth to Eating Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 15th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a male, 23 years old, and I suffered from anorexia nervosa for over 6 years. I recovered at 21 years old without any professional or family help and it wasn’t until i was 22 that i told family and friends that i once had the disorder. They were both angry and not surprised.

I’m terrified of what my life turned into during that stage in life. I became so completely consumed with by the disorder, enveloping myself with these figments of imaginary fat on my body while I completely forgot to grow up, to be responsible, to be social. I’m only now graduating college. I went part time through much of my college career due to health issues or cancellation of courses by the university.

I feel like a huge part of me froze, the part that was to develop into this young man. Instead, after recovering, i see how stunted I am. Physically I look 18, emotionally I am not ready for any kind of relationship, I just recently learned to drive, and have yet to begin my career. I feel like anorexia took a huge chunk of my life that i can’t even remember.

I work, have a large circle of friends, currently finishing up my final semester at the university, doing multiple internships, and trying so hard not to feel hatred for what I’ve become. I have this intense need to play “catch up” with my life, to be the perfect whatever, to make up for lost time. And to always remember not to overdo it with the dieting.

I’ve been taking initiative these past 2 years but…at 23 years old I already feel like I lost my youth.

It is an insightful observation that your emotional and psychological growth may have been stunted by your eating disorder. The unfortunate results of that observation, however, are your feelings of self-hatred. Those are difficult feelings to live with. Because of your unhappiness, I would recommend counseling.

Many people enter counseling when they are unhappy with their lives. To find the best therapist, begin the process by calling at least five to 10. Be detailed about what specifically you would like help with. Ask them about the type of treatment they would offer. You may feel a connection to one or several of therapists on the phone. Choose several promising therapists and visit them in person. Continue this process until you find a therapist with whom you feel the most comfortable. That process should help you find your best match.

Once you begin therapy, you should quickly begin to feel progress, though it may be slight. You should feel a little better after each session. Each session should leave you with something to think about. Therapy is not always an easy process but it is worth the effort.

I also want to congratulate you on overcoming a very serious mental health condition. I’m sure that was not easy and your story is an inspiration to others. You should be proud of your major life achievement. It would be a mistake to minimize that successful aspect of your life. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 15, 2021 0 comment

I’m Confused About my Relationship Status

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 29th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi. Before I start, I’d like to give some background. I’m 21, my “boyfriend” is 24, and I am/was in a long distance relationship. I met a young man through a cousin in January of 2010, and we kept in contact off and on until we saw each other again in July. After going on dates for about a month he asked me to be his girlfriend. It had been 5 years since he last had a girlfriend. At the end of August I went home. I only heard from him about five times after coming home, and in October communication stopped completely. My cousin told me that his phone was broke, which was true, but I didn’t see that as an excuse. My “boyfriend” and my brother were friends on a social internet site and I figured he could have emailed me or used my cousin’s phone.

In December, I sent him an email explaining to him how I was disappointed with the relationship since he didn’t communicate. I mentioned his last breakup in which he went to college, said he called his girlfriend one day, she told him she was at the movies with her boyfriend, and the relationship ended. I said from my interpretation the relationship ended because he wasn’t communicating with her, and I asked why was he allowing this to happen to him again. I never said “it’s over” or anything that said I was breaking up with him, but it was clear I wasn’t happy. He never responded.

Now it’s January 2011, and I’m still confused. I’ve learned recently that he has a new phone according to my cousin, but he still hasn’t contacted me since October. I also know that he hasn’t been seeing anyone. He’s been working and playing video games like he’s always done.

Just this past Monday, my brother sent him an email asking for advice on girls. I thought it was a short email, but the advice my “boyfriend” gave my brother was quite detailed. This bothered me because I figured he would respond out of respect, but it upset me to see them having a lengthy conversation and he not having the respect to respond to me. I can understand him talking to my cousin because they were friends before we dated, but him communicating with my brother really hurt me, especially since they barely know each other. They’ve only met twice, the second time being in passing, and the email my brother sent was only the third time he has contacted my “boyfriend” since September. The first email was a short “hi” and “bye”, the second email didn’t get a response, and the third email is the one I mentioned above.

I recently have tried talking to someone new, but I find it hard to move on when I don’t have closure on my last relationship. It’s especially hard because I would still like to be with him. If he would just communicate then he’d be perfect for me. I’m always confused because I honestly don’t know if I’m in a relationship or not. I ask friends and family, and some say “yes” while most say “no.” I’ve been saying “no” just because he hasn’t talked to me, but when things like my brother talking to him happens I wonder if we are still in a “relationship.” I want to contact him again to get a conversation started, but I’m afraid he’ll just not respond. I feel like if I keep waiting on him, contact will never happen. I wish he would officially break up with me because this relationship limbo is way worse than any end, yet I don’t want to be the one to break it off since I want to make it work.

I wish to know am I still in a relationship, why he is not talking to me, and how can I get him to talk to me?

I openly welcome all advice, and I look forward to hearing your valued opinion. Thank you,
Kasey

Dear Kasey, I appreciate your very detailed letter. The more information I have about an individual’s particular situation the better able I am to provide an informed response.

A relationship can only continue if both parties want it to. This means that each day both people have to say “yes” to continue the relationship. It only takes one person to say “no” and the relationship will end. Your partner has the ability to contact you and he doesn’t. I see this as his way of saying “no.” In your mind, you are not ready to end the relationship until you literally hear him say the word “no” but I believe the relationship is already over. You are delaying the inevitable. When you tried to discuss your concerns with him he had virtually no response. I see this as closure. In this case, actions speak louder than words.

I believe you and he are officially “broken up.” It is time to move on. You don’t need to hear it from him to know that it’s true. He has had the ability to contact you at any given day or time but he doesn’t and he hasn’t. What he doesn’t say or do speaks volumes. I understand that it might be difficult to move on but it is important to come to terms with the truth. It may be difficult now but the sooner you can see the reality of the situation, the better you will be. In addition, the sooner you can move on, the sooner you can find a better match for you. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 4, 2011 0 comment