My 13yo (now 15) announced on social media she was Bi. She has kissed girls who don’t identify as being bi whilst they were all drunk at a party. (Yes she got grounded for the alcohol consumption). She doesn’t date girls or look at them with desire. Friends have tried to set her up with girls she declines, in fact she physically recoils at the suggestion. If a male asks her out on a date she will accept most of the time — this weekend she went on 3 dates, previous weekend 2 dates. None of her friends believe her and they have challenged her revelation on many an occasion including the girls she has kissed. Her own therapist does not believe she is bi sexual and has challenged her on it in the past but now doesn’t tells us she wont give the bi sexual statement any attention. She has been targeted by males who have the idea she will have a 3 way — which I suspect she has encouraged. How can I help her regain some respect for herself and from others. She has BPD traits.
I just KNOW my child and she is making herself the laughing stock of our community. She has made up stories in the past and swore black and blue they were true — until enough time had passed and enough proof to the contrary came to light to show she was lying. She has many of the regular boundaries of other teens: she can’t be alone with boys, go to parties where we don’t know the parents. She has to tell us where she is going, who she is going with, if parents are going to be home, and how they will get from place to place. She has a curfew, and we ground her if she does not meet the behavioral and academic expectations we have all agreed upon as a family.
She is a compliant child. She is very intelligent, manipulative and insecure. (age41, from Australia)
I wouldn’t worry so much at this point whether or not your daughter is truly bisexual. Adolescence is the time in life in which you develop your identity, which by it’s very nature requires some experimentation, both in theory and through behavior.
I would be more concerned about the Borderline Personality Disorder traits that you mentioned, the lying and attention-seeking behaviors. However, again, this may just be part of her trying to figure out who she is and test limits. If the patterns continue and she begins using social media to hurt others, then it’s obviously a more serious issue.
It sounds like you are good parents who set appropriate boundaries with your teen. Have faith that these parenting skills will pay off and she will emerge from this stage of development with a strong sense of who she is in the world, but be willing to let her test her wings in the meantime. In the end, if she really does identify as bisexual, I hope that you can accept this and love your daughter unconditionally.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
