Inside of this fleshy prison live the three of us: Harry, George, and me. Normally, we get along perfectly, each respecting one another’s problems, such as George’s ‘depression’ and Harry’s ‘schizophrenia’ (both of which have not been diagnosed or discussed with a professional). Unlike the other two, I seemingly lack a few emotions, such as grief, remorse, and empathy. Normally, this is more of a strength than a weakness, but as of late, it has been rather difficult to deal with.
It’s perfectly normal for me to experience urges to kill living creatures or to break inanimate objects, and these urges are understood by Harry and George. However, with each passing day these urges seem to grow stronger, and Harry and George seem to grow more…’on edge’. When we discuss the subject, the others seem to react with more fear, or aggression, than they used to, and they don’t seem to understand my situation as well as they used to.
Previously, I could control my urges perfectly. I fidget a lot, which used to calm the urges, and I can also be quite destructive if I want something (I chewed through a television remote so that I could play with the rubber buttons inside), which also helped. Leaving windows open and then killing the insects that entered the house was another good way to calm myself. However, none of these methods seem to do much good anymore. I want something more, something bigger. Hunting is out of the question for me – there isn’t anywhere to go in my local area and if I ask an adult it will arouse suspicion (they all believe that Harry, George, and myself are a singular, ‘normal’ entity).
With each day these urges growing stronger, I also grow more impatient and frustrated with tiny details. Things – and people – are bothering me more and more, and this is encouraging my fantasies of killing them. There’s only two people I would never be able to kill, and they’re not a part of my family, which means I have to control myself greatly each day around the people I’m supposed to ‘love’.
With all of that said, it brings me onto my questions. What can I do to calm my desire to kill? And, lastly, is calming my urges that only way to make Harry and George feel comfortable with me again? Thanks.
You state that these urges are becoming increasingly difficult to control. They are signs that you should seek professional help. Don’t ignore these important warning signs.
I receive many questions from people with similar problems. As I’ve mentioned in my response to each of those writers, I have studied the biographies of many people who kill. They have often described feeling increasingly out of control leading up to their crimes. I’m thoroughly convinced that had they sought professional help, many of those people would have never killed.
Right now, you’re spending a great deal of time indulging your fantasies and interacting with Harry and George. Avoid this. You need to find other ways to expend your energy that are nonviolent in nature. There are many activities that could occupy your time. Here are a few ideas: hiking, running, sail boating, learning to play the guitar, drawing, sewing, cooking, podcasting, making a documentary, writing, photography, meditation, and so forth. The idea is to redirect your energy towards positive thoughts and behaviors. Choose healthy activities over unhealthy activities.
Of course, hobbies are not a cure for homicidal ideation, but distraction can be powerful. Ideally, you should consult a mental health professional who can address this problem in a meaningful way. That would be the most responsible course of action.
Finally, contact the authorities if you feel that you are at risk of losing control. They can protect you from doing something that you would later regret. Depending on the nature of the violent act, you could be sent to prison for life or be executed for your crimes. Should you go to prison you will regret the actions or inactions that got you there. Prisons are very violent places. They are designed for punishment. Get help if you need it. It is not an exaggeration to say that mental health treatment has the potential to save lives. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
