I always hate hearing people state that they are “broken” because it always seems pointlessly melodramatic. So I won’t say it.
I will say, however, that there is something really wrong with my head. Because that’s true. And I really do wish I had more than 400 words to tell you.
I don’t think I’m mentally ill.
I don’t really know how to put it.
Nothing is real, actually. This is my new, involuntary outlook…
And I’m feeling very overwhelmed, by everything I can’t do.
My daily life is altered, in that, I can’t do anything anymore. Nothing at all. Sometimes, I just sit, and stare at a wall, for several hours. It’s really hard to feel anything anymore.
I currently see a therapist. She says that I’m fine. And I’ve seen several therapists for other, minor issues. But I only ever feel worse after sessions, even though I’m always honest.
My grades are especially important to me. At least, they once were. Now, I’m not so sure. Suffice to say, I’m not getting good ones. Because I don’t do anything. If I suddenly gained the ability back to partake in the world, the first thing I’d do was make up all the work I’ve missed.
Although that would be difficult, as I’ve been/felt like this for much longer than just this school year.
I think it’s been exactly one year since it all started.
Everything feels very false.
And if I could cry, I would. But I can’t even do that. I forgot how.
I’m sorry, I know this is extremely vague, but I’m not really sure what to say. I hope I don’t come off as abrasive, what with all the spaces. It’s just how I talk.
If there are more details you’d like to know, you can ask me any clarifying questions you have, and I’ll do my best to answer.
Time is moderately of the essence, seeing as if I don’t fix this soon, I might stop my life and future from lack of academic achievement.
Gee, I sound very dramatic! Who let me on this website… I know I don’t give much reason to be taken seriously, but I implore you to do so, regardless. I really do need some assistance.
Thank you very much for reading this.
I found your letter to be particularly articulate and insightful. You described feeling that things are false or not real. If I were your therapist, I would want to know more about what you meant by those expressions. Are there things that you used to believe in but no longer believe in? Or is it that you think that nothing is real? Or perhaps both?
Your description reminds me of nihilism. Nihilism is the belief that nothing is real and therefore nothing matters. Depressed people often feel this way. They often feel like their life is meaningless.
Another noteworthy element of your letter, is your ever-increasing inability to feel. Both believing in nothing and emotional numbness, are suggestive of depression. The fact that you find it difficult to participate in academics is also worrisome. Things that once were important to you, no longer are. That too, is characteristic of depression.
I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a short letter. Your therapist would be in the best position to know what’s wrong. It’s good that you’re in counseling, but it’s concerning that you feel worse after each session. That should not be the case.
You should continue treatment, but if you’re not improving consider changing therapists. Not all therapists are the same and you might need to change. Keep trying until you find someone who can help you. There are many good therapists, but sometimes it takes time to find the best match. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle