I am a straight teenage female with a completely normal childhood, although I have had depression for the past couple of years. I started having urges to murder a very specific subset of people around the same time it started. Males, between 14 and about 45, about the age range for conventional attractiveness, all of whom I like/respect. I wouldn’t want to kill anyone else, though I feel I’d be able to if necessary. I fantasize about murdering people who fit this criteria, and have been for a couple years. One time, I was behind one of my male friends in a crowded car. I saw his neck and immediately had the urge to cut it (although I really did like this friend and wouldn’t actually have wanted him dead). I did have my knife in my pocket and actually pulled it out, however, I considered the consequences and decided not to. Do you know what might have happened to me? Is this some sort of screwed-up sexual thing? It doesn’t feel like it, but I can’t think of any other reason I would have urges to kill people of such a specific subset. I do not feel as if I have ever been severely wronged by the opposite sex. Please note I have no plans or intentions to carry out anything of the sort at the moment. That incident with my friend was the only time I almost acted on my fantasies, and I have control over it.
As you noted, there doesn’t seem to be anything sexual about your fantasy. During the time you pulled out your knife, nothing sexual was occurring. If you had pulled out your knife during a sex act, then sexuality may have been part of your fantasy but that’s not what happened.
It’s difficult to know why you have this fantasy. It might help to think about when you first noticed this fantasy. How did you realize you had this fantasy? Did you pick up the idea from popular media, a book, a movie, or some other source? Were you angry or upset or frustrated or depressed when you first noticed this fantasy?
You might try documenting when it occurs and how you are feeling when it happens. You might notice a pattern and realize that it occurs at very specific times.
The fact that you carry a bladed weapon and have fantasies of slashing people’s throats is concerning. It’s also very concerning that you actually pulled out a knife and seriously contemplated slashing a man’s throat. It is an unusual occurrence in the sense that most people have never taken concrete steps toward committing a murder. Thankfully, you weighed the consequences and decided against it but you can’t be certain that you will always have that level of control.
I would recommend counseling to help you determine the origins of your fantasy. You stated that you have no plans or intentions of carrying out your fantasy but we can’t ignore that fact that you pulled out your knife while having the urge to cut a man’s throat. For safety reasons, you should strongly reconsider carrying a bladed weapon until you no longer have fantasies about cutting the throats of men. You need to be absolutely certain nothing like that never happens again. Counseling can help you maintain and strengthen your self-control. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
