From a man in India: I’m 62 and in grip of an infeasible love (limerent?) relationship with someone who was hitherto committed elsewhere This has spilled over into other areas of my life. I made an approach to LO and got snubbed therefor. Uncalled for humiliation caused hurt. Instead of a polite decline, she complained to authorities who curtail my movements and keep watch over me. I have no direct, clear evidence of this – but I do feel that this has happened. Moreover, I also feel LO is keeping tabs on me without showing herself or committing anything or even talking. I cannot approach her again due pride and the fact that she has complained to authorities.
She has enough reason to be apprehensive as she’s worried about her daughter’s security and cannot commit until she’s sure of me. Besides, she may still be undergoing the pains of separation from the earlier relationship. But, though this person knew me earlier, she has not bothered to even say “Hello”. I don’t know if I’m still in denial and unable to accept her decision or it is my mind playing games or if I am becoming paranoid. Or am I losing touch with reality?
I am confused and unable to understand what she has in mind – whether she’s just not interested or whether she is interested and just checking me out. Should I wean myself and move on? If I wait, it causes great psychological distress which may lead to depression. If I move on, I have to live with this wound for the rest of my days. I do not want to walk away from this relationship unless I get a very direct, clear-cut “NO”, since the person is quite special to me. So, I’m in a catch 22 situation whereby I stand to lose either way! Request professional advice on dealing with this relationship issue.
I’m very sorry this situation is so painful for you. However, it does look to me like you are not taking “no” for an answer. She may not have given you a direct “no,” but she has definitely signaled that she isn’t interested in a relationship with you and may even be fearful of getting closer.
The other possibility is that you are indeed in some kind of medical/psychological trouble. You are at an age where physical changes can result in what looks like paranoia and perseveration. I strongly urge you to stop focusing on this woman, and instead start focusing on your own health. Make an appointment with your physician for a complete medical exam. Share what you told me here. Ask the same questions.
If you are medically fine, then please do yourself the great service of seeing a mental health counselor. A “no” of any kind is a “no”. If you can’t move past that and think you will sink into a depression, then you need and deserve the support and guidance of a counselor. Romantic disappointments hurt. Often people who have been rejected find it very difficult to accept. You are not alone in that. A counselor can help you grieve this relationship and gather the strength and optimism to search for love with someone who can return it.
You are 62. You may have decades of life to go. I think you deserve to take care of yourself and move on so that you can find someone who can love you and cherish you for years to come.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
