From Germany: I hope you can assist me with my problem. Two years ago I’ve married my wife, and already before the wedding my parents have tried to destroy this relationship. My sister, whom my wife loved, has joined my parents too.
My wife was extremely hurt by them and blocked them ever since. The family did try a couple of times to apologize, yet it didn’t seem to come out of honesty.
Now my sister is getting married and, for some reason, I still wish to go to her wedding, despite the bad treatment my wife and I have received from them. The peak of this problem was reached when my wife said that if I’ll ever have contact with my parents, she will leave me. She said that after I told her that I’ll never stop hoping that they’ll change.
I will also mention here that my wife is an extremely difficult person to be with. She explodes with anger daily, she hit me very often and she always have to be right. In addition, in the past 2 years she refuse working and she rarely leave the apartment. I do admit that I’m a normal guy with normal guy issues, but a loving and supportive husband as well.
I am lost, I do not want to miss my sister’s wedding (even though she has been cold and extremely egoist and childish with me), but I also don’t want to lose my wife.
Can you please help me?
What a difficult situation! Your family and your wife have put you in a terrible position. No one should have to choose between the people they love. As difficult as they all are, you do love your family members and your wife. Why should either be threatened by the other? Even if your parents are correct that you are not with the right partner, that is something you need to discover for yourself.
It looks to me that you have several problems all at once. You want to stay connected to your family. Your wife has significant personal problems. Your relationship with your wife isn’t what it should be. The wedding is about more than attending a family event. It is also bringing all of the issues forward at the same time.
From what you shared, it looks to me like your wife needs treatment. She may be depressed. She may have agoraphobia. Or it may be something else. It is not normal for someone to never leave her home. It is not normal for someone who has only been married for two years to be angry and abusive to someone who loves her.
Your relationship is also in trouble. There is no reason for you to tolerate being hit. It is not healthy for you to be always worried about setting off your wife’s anger. If you could fix this on your own, you would have done so already. I encourage you to insist that the two of you go for couples therapy to figure out why two people who love each other aren’t living together in a loving way.
And — I do think you need to do what you can to stay connected to the family. They have tried to apologize. They invited you to the wedding. Go. Toast the bride. Enjoy the party. Stay out of conversations about your wife. Focus on the present and let the family know that you are working on making things better with your marriage. That shows them that you want to be part of the family and that you will not choose one side over the other. If your wife objects and threatens, tell her you are very sorry she feels that way but that you love your family and you won’t be forced to choose. Express the hope that she will join you in therapy when you get back.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
