I wish to seek your advice about a fetish which is beginning to upset me.
For a number of years when masturbating I have only been aroused by larger/obese women (BBW = big beautiful women). I find it difficult to become aroused or have any satisfaction if I fantasize about ‘attractive girls’.
No disrespect intended, I have no rational desire to be in a relationship with a larger girl it seems to be purely on a sexual level. Upon climaxing my sexual desire for them very quickly disappears and I always feel ashamed of myself and am repulsed by what I have just done.I have only had one sexual partner, who was of an average build. During our encounters I found it difficult to become aroused by her, making it very frustrating for me to have sex, and made me very nervous whenever the situation arises.
I have recently started a new relationship with a girl whom I have a strong affection for and dream to have a long term relationship with her. She is also of a petite build, I am worried I am going to encounter the same problems as before. I almost feel like I am cheating on her each time I masturbate or at the very least being terribly dishonest to her.
Because of this I have tried almost weekly to ‘give up’ and try to be interested in ‘normal girls’ I can successfully masturbate with these thoughts but it almost seems like a chore and because I am not being satisfied — I have none-stop cravings and I always give in.
Deep down my gut feeling is that I don’t want to have these feelings and wish to lead a ‘normal’ sexual life. It is beginning to affect my everyday life which is very distressing for me.
I would just appreciate an honest opinion on what I should do and whether I can change my desires to match my feelings. Thank You very much.
I would need to know more to know how to guide you but I can make one guess. See if it fits: I have a guess that when you were younger, you developed a “rule” that you can have sexual satisfaction but without intimacy, or love without sex. Maybe it was a way to satisfy your sexual drive without somehow contaminating your idea of the ideal woman you would love someday. You have been masturbating since you were a teen, using fantasies of women you know you won’t want to love. Orgasm is a very powerful reinforcer. Now your body responds most strongly when you think of large women even though you aren’t rationally interested.
Sexual attraction and love can be separate experiences, and it’s not necessarily unhealthy to separate them. People can experience sexual attraction to someone without being in love with them, just as they can experience love without feeling sexual attraction.
It’s important to recognize that everyone has their own unique experiences when it comes to sexual attraction and love, and there’s no one right way to feel or experience these things. What matters most is that people feel comfortable and happy with their own experiences and relationships.
However, for some people, sex and love may be intertwined, and that’s also perfectly valid. Some people may find that sexual attraction is an important component of their romantic relationships, while others may prioritize emotional intimacy and connection over sexual attraction. Ultimately, what’s most important is that individuals are able to navigate their own experiences and preferences in a way that feels healthy and fulfilling to them, while also respecting the feelings and boundaries of others involved in their relationships.
To solve your problem, you may find it beneficial to bring love and sex back together. You could call the San Francisco Sex Information hotline (415-989-7374) to find out how to start. Or you could seek out a local therapist who specializes in sexual issues.
I hope this helps.
Dr. Marie
