If you are a new dad, guess what research shows is one of the best things you can do to bond with your new baby and make your marriage stronger?
Change his diaper.
Yep… Becoming a new father can be a daunting task, but there are ten things to keep in mind that will help you, your new baby, and your marriage.
1. Time and tolerance.
The most important thing you can do is simply spend time with your newborn. Serious research about fatherhood is only a scant 30 years old, and what we know is that the more time fathers spend with their infants the better. Researchers in the early years of father-infant bonding couldn’t find fathers spending enough time with their infants to study them. In other words, dads weren’t spending an adequate amount of time with their baby to even start measuring the impact. What we know now is that the time you can just be with your infant is valuable.
Along with time, you will need to have some tolerance for you and your new creation to get to know one another. This is your first time being a father and your son or daughter’s first time being a human being. Be kind and gentle with yourselves. Allow for some learning, experimentation and mutual tolerance. Give yourself time to learn and grow into the role.
2. Eye contact.
We have known for a long time that infants are drawn to the human face, but with computer-enhanced research we were able to realize what they look at: the eyes. Babies have a preference for the human face in general, and eye contact in particular. The one thing to remember about this is that they can only see clearly about a foot in front of them, so remember to smile, stay close, and look ‘em in the eye.
3. Repetitive sounds.
Particularly something called the bilabials; Pa-pa, Ma-ma, Ba-ba are the first and most common sounds infants can make. They are simple because the two lips are pressed together with a puff of air pushed through them. That is why most first utterances around the globe for mother, father and bottle use these sounds. They are easy to make and the infant can get some quick language control and feedback from their environment in this way. (Trust me, the first time your little one says Pa-Pa to you will be a peak experience.) To strengthen the connection, when you hear them making the sound, make it back. Eventually the two of you can start your own bilabial chorus.
4. Infants are fans of motion.
They love it and crave it, and need it. They love to be held, jostled, bounced and jiggled. There is good reason for this. Movement helps infants develop everything from their brains to their sense of balance. When you hold your baby, give them a feeling of security, but not too tight or too loose. Don’t be afraid to hold and sway and bounce and cuddle. Learn what he or she likes and cultivate that motion. You want to be the one with that magic touch when baby needs a motion magician.
5. Change that diaper!
Researchers early on found out that the fathers who helped diapering their baby had stronger, better, and more long-lasting marriages. So if you want to score points with mom and with your baby — learn the art of diapering and treat it as a shared duty with mom.  If you don’t want the feces to hit the oscillator in your relationship, learn to deal with it at the source.
6. Make a play date with baby.
Maybe Tuesday is girls night out, or you don’t start work until noon on Thursday, but whatever the schedule can permit, have planned time to be the one and only caregiver for your baby. One-on-one bonding is important. When mom is in the room there is typically a preference by the infant for her to be the one in charge. Take time to figure out what your relationship is with your newborn — just the two of you. This is important. You need to be able to manage this baby thing solo, and there is no other way to get this experience.
7. Teamwork.
The above point having been said, you also need to realize you are part of a team. You and mom are a tag-team. This may be a different set of skills than when you are one-on-one. As an example, when mom was out and I was joyfully bottlefeeding my daughter with breast milk we had pumped for her, everything was wonderful. But the moment mom came home from her classes, my daughter wasn’t in the mood for Mr. second-best. She could hear and, through the magic of pheromones, smell mom and wanted to be with her. This was the transition time. Recognize that the three of you function like a mobile hanging from the ceiling and are in balance with one another. As the infant’s needs change, the balance of mom and dad will need to change along with it.
8. Keep your promises.
As your child grows and as you develop as a family, remember that dads have to be absolutely certain to do one thing: keep their promises. If you promise your spouse you are going to be home at 6:30 p.m., make that the priority in your life that day. As your child grows, these promises to him or her become the backbone of your relationship. Deliver on what you promise and the ease and security of the relationship will evolve. Renege on these consistently and an insecure bonding, something you definitely do not want, can happen. I encourage parents I work with to only make commitments and promises they can keep. I’d rather them keep one promise than make three and only keep two.
9. Be responsive.
A reach, a look, a cry, anything your little one does to make a connection with you should be honored. Remember — they are just learning how to be in the world. Let them know you appreciate their effort. Studies have shown that parents who are responsive to their infant’s cries and needs help them develop better communication and language skills. It makes sense. If you know you are being responded to, you look to make that process more efficient.
10. Love, love, and then some more love.
Mammalian love is a complex interaction of biochemistry and behavior. Mammals are unique in this regard because we are predisposed to care for each other. This isn’t true of all species. Consider the reptiles–they eat their young. But as mammals we are hardwired to love and care for each other. No one would argue against the fact that mothers have more of this than fathers, but what dads may not have instinctually they can easily develop. The neuroscientists have shown some interesting data that suggests that when parents and children interact, their limbic systems, the emotional part of the brain, actually resonate and adjust to each other. This means that after a while both you and your baby become attuned to the presence of the other.
And that is the kind of harmony that can last a lifetime.
10 comments
“Researchers early on found out that the fathers who helped diapering their baby had stronger, better, and more long-lasting marriages.†That is of course unless she is suffering from some form of delayed PTSS caused by an aborted pregnancy, repressed by a catholic (or like) family philosophy, had a cold father who didn’t have much involvement in child rearing, all uncorked by a GP who decided she was suffering from post partum and scripts her for an AD. THEN what happens is she feels inadequate as a mother and becomes fearful and jealous of the bond you and the baby share. She is not used to seeing a man, the daddy, care for a child with equal zeal as women. The family will criticize her for even letting it happen. She feels angry and jealous of the baby because the child has a great and attentive father that the mother never had. The antidepressants then work to suppress the Super Ego and allow for Id driven behavior the industry doesn’t like to talk about known as “maniaâ€. After an unexplained episode of drunken, violent, irrational behavior that you had never seen before in the years (in some cases decade) prior, you find yourself in divorce court with a judge taking that kid you had built this wonderful bond with away from you all but 8 nights a month because… well because you are the man and women (even as this article would insinuate) make the better and more attentive parent.
I guess I sound a little bitter. You should add one more piece of advice for new dads. Don’t let your “baby mama†take antidepressants. At best they do nothing.
dude LOL,
Either that’s ingenious comedic timing at its best. or just sad.. hilarious, but still, sad. Keep up the good work though either way in ur being a stand-up father, or comedic jewel to the interwebs or both.
As stated, be there for the child, and talk to them as you would anyone, with a little more levity and energy.
but no “baby talk,” ok? they’ll learn to speak properly that much faster. Pick the best parts of your own father and do that, and add some original things you’ve picked up from life, the TV dads, and maybe a parenting mag or two.
and remember, you’re preparing that child to leave you and join the world, so don’t over-emphasize the fear factor. Make the world a real place, but not an exceptionally scary one…
Hey Pauly, thank you for the straight forward analysis of becoming a father and what it takes to develop your child for the world. Great post!
Finally something useful!
After all the disgruntled moms (whose stories either indicate they are stupid to have stayed with the guy for that long or I can’t blame the guy for leaving), the disgruntled moms posing as psychologists and the disgruntled dads it is an immense relief to read something that doesn’t operate under the assumption all men are evil or incompetent or both.
Any advice for dealing with anxiety caused by my master plan being thrown upside-down?
When we begin to respect the natural man and natural women, we will have excellent parenting. Face it, most men have large hands, large bodies, and when our society let’s them be natural, have a very natural instinct to protect and provide. Their size and instinct are counter to caring for a child. Women, usually are more delicate and when society let’s them be natural, nurture and give care to their offspring and those that protect and provide for them.
After watching familial interactions for over six decades, it is clear that the first tens years a child is devoted to the mother. Separated from mother the child becomes anxious….natural….no not separation anxiety to be overcome….natural…Little ones count being kept safe and the mother is the holder while the father is the protector… Whether we like it or not, we are hardwired this way. Around the age of ten, the child is all about the father and the mother becomes second choice – allowing the parents are not abusive……Each parent plays an extremely important roll at the appropriate time. Not simultaneously. Therefore, let’s ease up on those men out there…..they will have their day in about 10 years after birth. They need to be developing their skills to be ready for the second decade. They are too masculine for the first and women are too feminine for the second. Women by their nature institute care and love. Men by their nature institute life long skills of survival.
I don’t agree with #9 whatsoever. The more you react to a perceived need the more dependent the baby will become. You CANNOT react to every single noise, cry or movement. That is just stupid. Unless you want to create a child that feels they need to be given everything and waited on hand and foot there MUST be a compromise. Sorry, I just don’t buy that BS.
Parenthood is not about assuming the easy task. It is about taking charge for what’s considered as one of the most important jobs in the world. Becoming a parent is to willingly accept such a heavy role of giving, guiding, providing, and sacrificing everything in order for the family to grow and flourish.
A parent is someone who can make mistakes, failed at times, and knows how to nurse some wounds. But, most importantly, he or she could rise from a fall, correct mistakes, and heals his or her own self and that of other people as well. There are, of course, lots of stumbling blocks along the way and many a storm to weather at on a daily basis.
Raising kids is a way for you to learn to understand and appreciate more of God’s love for you. It is through such a wonderful process that you’re taught to become humble, tactful, considerate, and teachable. Such a role should further make you become a loving, faithful, trustworthy friend, and man to your dear wife.
Thanks Dan for the tips for a new Dad, soon to be. Reading up a little on the current emphasis that Dads play an important role in caring for a baby as opposed to primarily economic provider. Just look at what Finland is doing with parental leave policy. They are so advanced in this field compared to North America we should really just copy them. I like your comment on partnership with the mom, dad and child. Although I would argue that moms are not all hard wired to care more than a father. It all depends on the individual and the specific scenario. Fathers will quickly adapt to primary caregiver and do what ever is best for their child. Simple evolutionary principles to protect the bloodline. The same reason that lions eat lion cubs . Survival
A parent is someone who can make mistakes, failed at times, and knows how to nurse some wounds.
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